View on Popular Relationship Books

[Bitcoindna]

Hello everyone,

I'm curious about the redpill perspective on popular relationship books and wonder what Rollo Tomassi might say about them. These books often talk about concepts like the high need for women to be reassured of love and the perpetual presence of their partner. Here are some notable authors and their works:

1. **Willard F. Harley:** Author of "His Needs, Her Needs," emphasizing the importance of understanding and meeting each other's individual needs in a relationship.

2. **Emerson Eggerichs:** Focuses on the idea that women need to feel loved and men need to feel respected, crucial for successful marriages.

3. **John Gray:** Known for "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus," advocating for understanding and respecting gender differences to improve communication.

4. **Gary Chapman:** Famous for "The 5 Love Languages," encouraging identifying and understanding your partner's primary love language.

5. **John Gottman:** Concentrates on healthy communication methods, effective conflict resolution, and creating positive experiences together.

6. **Alain de Botton:** Promotes a philosophical approach, urging realism and emotional intelligence, understanding the gap between romantic expectations and real-life challenges.

7. **Shaunti Feldhahn:** Examines relationship dynamics, offering advice in “For Women Only” and “For Men Only,” focusing on understanding and valuing psychological aspects for better communication.

8. **David Deida:** Stresses the importance of polarity between masculine and feminine energies in a relationship, necessary for maintaining passion and attraction.

9. **Harville Hendrix:** Creator of Imago Therapy, known for “Getting the Love You Want,” focusing on how childhood experiences affect adult relationships, promoting empathetic communication.

10. **Warren Farrell:** Author of books like "The Myth of Male Power," exploring men's roles and challenges in society, emphasizing communication and misunderstandings between genders.

11. **Helen Fisher:** A biological anthropologist exploring the biology of love and its effect on behavior and decision-making in romantic relationships.

12. **Sue Johnson:** Known for Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), uses attachment theory to understand and improve communication and emotional connections.

These authors provide various insights, but I'm interested in a redpill analysis of these perspectives. How might these ideas align or conflict with redpill philosophy, especially regarding the dynamics between men and women in long term romantic relationships?

Looking forward to your thoughts!

 

[Bitcoindna]

Here’s an even more politically correct list of books and authors. Are any of these good for those of us with red-pilled lenses?



1. **Dr. John Gottman:** Founder of The Gottman Institute, known for his research on couple relationships and the development of 'The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.'



2. **Dr. Sue Johnson:** Creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), an approach to couples therapy focusing on building and strengthening emotional connections. Recommended books: 'Hold Me Tight' and 'Love Sense.'



3. **Dr. Gary Chapman:** Author of 'The 5 Love Languages,' a book that explores different ways individuals express and perceive love, and how understanding these can strengthen relationships.



4. **Esther Perel:** Therapist and author known for her insights on modern marriage and intimacy, including the books 'Mating in Captivity' and 'The State of Affairs.'



5. **Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt:** Creators of Imago Relationship Therapy, a therapeutic approach focusing on understanding and empathy between partners. Recommended books: 'Getting the Love You Want' and 'Making Marriage Simple.'



6. **Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman:** Co-founder of The Gottman Institute and a pioneer in research on relationships and marital stability. Recommended books: 'The Man's Guide to Women' and 'The Marriage Clinic.'



7. **Dr. Stan Tatkin:** Author of 'Wired for Love' and founder of the PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy), a method that combines psychology, neuroscience, and attachment theory.



8. **Dr. David Schnarch:** Clinical psychologist known for his book 'Passionate Marriage,' which focuses on individual development as the key to a satisfying relationship.



9. **Dr. Dan Wile:** Creator of Collaborative Couple Therapy, promoting a dialogue-based approach to resolving conflicts and improving communication in relationships. Recommended book: 'After the Honeymoon.'



10. **Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott:** Authors and speakers focusing on Christian perspectives in marriage and relationships, including 'Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.'



11. **Dr. Patricia Love:** Expert in relationship therapy, known for her books such as 'The Truth About Love' and 'Hot Monogamy.'



12. **Dr. Eli Finkel:** Social psychologist and author of 'The All-or-Nothing Marriage,' which explores how marriages have evolved and offers strategies for improving couple relationships.



13. **Dr. Terry Real:** Therapist and author of 'The New Rules of Marriage,' discussing realistic approaches to modern relationships.



14. **Brené Brown:** Researcher and author known for her work on vulnerability, shame, and courage, including how these impact relationships.



15. **Dr. Neil Clark Warren:** Psychologist and founder of eHarmony, a dating service based on scientific principles for matching compatible partners.



16. **Dr. Helen Fisher:** Anthropologist and researcher known for her work on love, attraction, and human sexuality.



17. **Sherry Turkle:** Social psychologist exploring the impact of technology on human relationships, including in the book 'Alone Together.'



18. **Dr. Barry McCarthy:** Therapist and author, known for his work on sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships.



19. **Dr. Pepper Schwartz:** Sociologist and sexologist known for her research and counseling on romantic and sexual relationships. Recommended books: 'The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples' and 'American Couples.'



20. **Alain de Botton:** Author and philosopher who explores themes of love, romance, and relationships in the modern world, including in his book "The Course of Love."



21. **Dr. Robert Epstein:** Researcher and author known for his work on love and attachment. Recommended book: "Making Love: How People Learn to Love and How You Can Too."



22. **Dr. Scott Stanley:** Researcher and co-author of “Fighting for Your Marriage,” presenting practical tools and insights for strengthening relationships.



23. **Dr. Michelle Weiner-Davis:** Therapist and author of “Divorce Busting,” a method for saving and strengthening marriages.



24. **Dr. John M. Gottman and Nan Silver:** Co-authors of “What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal,” exploring the dynamics of trust and betrayal in relationships.



25. **Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller:** Authors of “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love,” explaining adult attachment theory and its impact on relationships.



26. **Dr. Diana Kirschner:** Psychologist and author of “Love in 90 Days,” providing strategies for finding and maintaining love.



27. **Dr. Helen E. Fisher:** Anthropologist and author of “Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love,” exploring the biology behind love and attraction.



28. **Michele Weiner-Davis:** Therapist and author of “The Sex-Starved Marriage,” focusing on how couples can revitalize their sexual relationship.



29. **Dr. Gary D. Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell:** Co-authors of “The 5 Love Languages of Children,” extending the concept of love languages to parent-child relationships.



30. **Dr. Gary Smalley:** Author and therapist known for his books on marriage and family life, including “The Language of Love” and “Making Love Last Forever.”

 

[Bitcoindna]

31. **Dr. John Gray:** Author of “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus,” a popular book that explores the differences between genders and how understanding these can improve relationships.



32. **Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein:** Known for her long-term study of marriage and divorce, and author of “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts.”



33. **Dr. Thomas Moore:** Author of “Soul Mates: Honoring the Mysteries of Love and Relationship,” exploring the depth and complexity in romantic relationships.



34. **Dr. Harriet Lerner:** Psychologist and author of “The Dance of Anger,” focusing on women’s experiences in relationships and how they can express anger in a healthy way.



35. **Dr. Sara NasserZadeh:** Therapist and co-author of “The Orgasm Answer Guide,” providing insights into sexual health and well-being in relationships.



36. **Dr. Shirley P. Glass:** Author of “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal,” addressing infidelity and how to rebuild trust.



37. **Dr. Emily Nagoski:** Author of “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life,” exploring women's sexuality and well-being.



38. **Dr. Laura Berman:** Therapist and author of several books, including “The Book of Love,” offering advice on love, sex, and relationships.



39. **Dr. Sue Johnson:** Author of “Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships,” exploring the science behind loving relationships.



40. **Dr. Patricia Allen:** Author of “Getting to ‘I Do’: The Secret to Doing Relationships Right!” offering strategies for finding and maintaining a successful relationship.



41. **Dr. Ty Tashiro:** Psychologist and author of “The Science of Happily Ever After,” exploring the science behind choosing a life partner and long-term relationships.



42. **Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon:** Author of “Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want,” a book focusing on self-understanding as the key to healthy relationships.



43. **Dr. Sue Carter:** A pioneer in research on oxytocin and its role in pair bonding, known for her work on the neurochemistry of love relationships.



44. **Dr. Arthur Aron:** Psychologist known for his work on interpersonal attraction and the development of “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love.”



45. **Dr. Mona Fishbane:** Author of “Loving with the Brain in Mind: Neurobiology and Couple Therapy,” exploring how understanding the brain can improve romantic relationships.



46. **Dr. Gary Lewandowski:** Psychologist and author of “Stronger Than You Think: The 10 Blind Spots That Undermine Your Relationship…and How to See Past Them,” focusing on the myths and misconceptions that often hinder relationship success.



47. **Dr. Mark Manson:** Author of "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" and "Love Is Not Enough," offering a direct and unconventional approach to love and relationships.



48. **Dr. Kristen Mark:** Researcher and sexologist, known for her work on sexual desire and satisfaction in long-term relationships.



49. **Dr. Meg-John Barker:** Author of "Rewriting the Rules: An Integrative Guide to Love, Sex, and Relationships," challenging traditional notions of relationships.



50. **Dr. Eli J. Finkel:** Author of "The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work," exploring how marriages have evolved over time and providing insights into what makes a marriage successful.



51. **Esther Perel:** Focuses on exploring sexual desire and intimacy in relationships, encouraging couples to maintain passion by cultivating excitement and mystery.



52. **Allison Armstrong:** Explores the differences between men and women in her books and workshops, aiming to help individuals understand and appreciate these differences. Her approach focuses on strengthening communication and empathy in relationships, offering specific advice tailored to each gender to build stronger, more harmonious partnerships.



53. **Camille Paglia:** A critic of modern feminism, Paglia offers an alternative view on gender dynamics and relationships, with a strong focus on the biological and historical aspects of gender and sexuality. She challenges conventional feminist perceptions and highlights the importance of understanding the biological roots of gender differences. In "Free Women, Free Men: Sex, Gender, Feminism," Paglia explores these themes through a collection of essays that critically assess modern feminist theories, with a particular look at nature's role in gender-related behavior.



54. **Mona Charen:** Best known for her book "Sex Matters: How Modern Feminism Lost Touch with Science, Love, and Common Sense." Her work critiques aspects of modern feminism, especially focusing on family policy and gender roles, and argues for the importance of traditional family values and gender roles.



55. **Laura Doyle:** An author and relationship counselor, noted for her book "The Surrendered Wife," where she promotes ideas of strengthening marriages and relationships by encouraging traditional gender roles. Doyle argues that women can improve their romantic relationships by relinquishing control and showing trust to their partners. She emphasizes that women can find harmony and happiness in their relationships by embracing these principles. Doyle's approach has been lauded for offering practical solutions for creating deeper understanding and connection in partnerships.



56. **Harriet Lerner:** Author of "The Dance of Anger," offers insights into conflict and communication dynamics, particularly in relation to women's experiences. Her work focuses on understanding and managing anger in a healthy way, and how this can lead to positive changes in both personal and professional relationships. Lerner is recognized for her ability to combine psychological theory with practical advice.



57. **Byron Katie:** Creator of "The Work," a method of self-reflection, and author of "Loving What Is." Katie focuses on challenging and restructuring harmful thoughts and belief systems, which can contribute to better mental health and interpersonal relationships.



58. **Terry Real:** A therapist and author of "The New Rules of Marriage," Real works with couples therapy and focuses on practical solutions for dealing with challenges in modern marriages and relationships.

 

[Thebestthereeveris]

Jesus Christ if I had to read all those books and people to get laid I would rather die a virgin.

 

[Bitcoindna]

In a long-term relationship, her greatest need is his love, as all these books suggest giving abundantly, should he then provide that to the same extent that she meets his significant needs? However, my red pill perspective casts doubt on this approach.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Your Red pill perspective is seriously fcked, so consider dropping it.

You mention some wonderful people, like Byron Katie, Sue Johnson, Alain, and Gottman. I'd look their way.

I'd also seriously consider a deep dive into the topic of love, if this is something that interests you.

I have many books that I've found useful, depending on your desires and orientation and situation.

I recommend Bell Hook's All About Love.
I recommend Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving
A popular relationship book in these parts is The Way of The Superior Man.
A book on attachment styles such as Attached, or Polysecure, should that be your orientation.

If you want to learn about love, I have an ocean to show you. Just be ready to cast away everything you hold onto.

 

[handle]

Obviously I can't comment on all these books, but Gottman's work is quite good for LTRs. The marketing for his books is cheesy but at the core of it he is pretty free of ideology and he bases his conclusions on real studies into relationship dynamics.

I'm not sure what you hope to gain from hearing a "red pill" generalization applied to 50+ titles (some of which I'm sure are good, and some of which I'm sure are bad).

 

[The Duke]

@Bitcoindna you own a book store? Haha. All you need to know can be found right here on SoSuave.

But I did read Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Let me save someone from reading that schitt....here goes....Women are crazy, don't make rational sense half the time...the man needs to try and understand them and cater to their deficiencies. The END.

 

[Rainman4707]

David deidas book is very enlightning. Very good book on relationships. He teached me that women are like the ocean, I knew that they ACT on their FEELINGS.

Deida teaches that they are like the ocean, where as men are straight forward. Here is one nugget of wisdom from him:-


WOMEN ARE NOT LIARS -

“Keeping your word” is a masculine trait, in men or women. A person with a femimine essence may not keep her word, yet it is not exactly “lying” In the femimine reality, words and facts take a second place to emotions and the shifting moods of relationship. When she says she hates you or i'll never move to Texas or i dont want to go to the movies it is often more a reflection of a transient feeling- wave than a well considered stance with to respect to events and experience. On the other hand, the masculine means what it says. A man's word is his honor. The feminine says what it feels. A womans word is her true expression in the moment

 

[SW15]

@Bitcoindna you own a book store? Haha. All you need to know can be found right here on SoSuave.

But I did read Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Let me save someone from reading that schitt....here goes....Women are crazy, don't make rational sense half the time...the man needs to try and understand them and cater to their deficiencies. The END.

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" was published in 1992 and was a big time blue pill relationship book in the 1990s and early 2000s.

Women don't make rational sense. That's true for blue and red pill men. As for catering to them, it depends on what cater entails. A man needs to hold frame (IR Tomassi #1). Even in holding frame, there are some considerations for a woman's more emotional and less rational state.

 

[The Duke]

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" was published in 1992 and was a big time blue pill relationship book in the 1990s and early 2000s.

Women don't make rational sense. That's true for blue and red pill men. As for catering to them, it depends on what cater entails. A man needs to hold frame (IR Tomassi #1). Even in holding frame, there are some considerations for a woman's more emotional and less rational state.

After I read that book I walked away feeling that the author expects men to accept women for the way they are and it was men that need to understand them. Not the other way around. They should have just named the book Women are from Mars. Did you think that?
For such a popular book it was disappointing that the author expected men to do the heavy lifting and once again women aren't exoected to be accountable.

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

After I read that book I walked away feeling that the author expects men to accept women for the way they are and it was men that need to understand them. Not the other way around. They should have just named the book Women are from Mars. Did you think that?
For such a popular book it was disappointing that the author expected men to do the heavy lifting and once again women aren't exoected to be accountable.

Everything that happens in a relationship is a mans fault. If she cheats, the guy either stopped being attractive and stopped gaming her, or he chose poorly. Men have the burden of performance, it is what it is. You don't gain anything by making women accountable, you either are okay with her behavior or you're not, you either enforced your boundaries or you don't. Making her accountable does nothing.

 

[SW15]

After I read that book I walked away feeling that the author expects men to accept women for the way they are and it was men that need to understand them. Not the other way around. They should have just named the book Women are from Mars. Did you think that?
For such a popular book it was disappointing that the author expected men to do the heavy lifting and once again women aren't exoected to be accountable.

I never read that book but I remember hearing about it when I was in high school and college, which was the late 1990s/early 2000s.

It has been my experience over time that men do a lot of the heavy lifting in the earlier stages of interactions. As an interaction progresses into a relationship, the lifting might get a little bit more balanced. I do think it is a common expectation for men with bluer pill viewpoints to expect to do a lot of heavy lifting in relationships.

The lack of female accountability has gotten even worse since that book was published in 1992. I think the typical blue pill man of the 2010s-2020s holds women less accountable now than 1980s-early 1990s blue pill betas. If John Gray were writing that book now as compared to 1991-1992, I wonder what would have changed.

John Gray is a Boomer beta male with questionable credentials too.

John Gray looks back at 'Men Are From Mars'

'Men Are From Mars' dominated USA TODAY's best-seller list in the 1990s.

www.usatoday.com

John Gray (American author) - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

Female accountability has gotten even worse since that book was published in 1992. I think the typical blue pill man of the 2010s-2020s holds women less accountable now than 1980s-early 1990s blue pill betas.

Describe making her accountable and how that helps the guy in getting laid?

 

[SW15]

Everything that happens in a relationship is a mans fault. If she cheats, the guy either stopped being attractive and stopped gaming her, or he chose poorly. Men have the burden of performance, it is what it is. You don't gain anything by making women accountable, you either are okay with her behavior or you're not, you either enforced your boundaries or you don't. Making her accountable does nothing.

Describe making her accountable and how that helps the guy in getting laid?

Accountability is more likely to help in longer term relationships than with initially getting laid.

Boundary enforcement is related to Iron Rule of Tomassi #1 (Frame is Everything).

Enforcing a boundary can make a woman feel more attraction. I think that's a stronger play after the initial instance of sex. Prior to sex, the woman will often walk away. She won't walk away when she's very physically attracted.

I agree with men having the burden of performance.

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

Accountability is more likely to help in longer term

Accountability regarding what? Give an example. If she waste money in dumb $hit making her accountable won't do anything, she can "yeah sorry" and then do it again. Like I said, the only thing that matters is boundary enforcement.

To me "accountability" sounds more like fresh and fit, yelling on women for being 304.