Understanding what happened

[Rationale]

Hey guys,

Long time lurker, first time poster.

Me and my partner broke up yesterday after about 9 months. The main reasons essentially were:

- That she felt that I didn't take enough interest in her studies and aspirations
- I wouldn't open myself up to her entirely (which is partially true)
- Because for whatever reasons which I still don't understand, her parents will never accept me (which actually I was already aware of, but didn't know why)

A bit about me,

- I'm 23
- About to finish my Masters degree
- I come from a good family (financially secure, hell some would probably say wealthy, but I know the value of money and I don't waste or flash it. We're also a very close family and very down to earth)
- I used to be a major part of a university society which is how I met her
- Physically, I'm pretty fit and without being ****y, I think (and have been told) I'm a pretty decent looking guy

Onto the story,

We broke up in a pretty mature manner. We met up and discussed (she talked, I just sat and listened) how things had gotten to this stage. Long story short, she cried a lot and ended with something to the effect of "I love you, but we can't keep arguing and doing this to each other. You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you from my life". At this point she started trying to hug me and hold my hand, but by this stage I decided to just take a colder approach and just brushed her off.

I told her that I'd be taking the NC (No Contact) approach and to not contact me and at this point she got even more emotional. I got up and prepared to walk away, but she wanted to escort me back to my car (I just walked her to her car). The entire walk she was crying and for whatever reason (emotional by the looks of it) she couldn't remember where she parked and started breaking down. Eventually we got to her car and she drove me back to mine. The whole drive she was just crying hysterically.

Once I got back to my car, I wished her the best of luck in life and her studies and never looked back.

Since then I've essentially purged everything of her. Phone numbers, photos, teddy bears, gifts and social media.

I don't really know what to get at, whether it was just a whole ploy or whether she genuinely ended it so we could at least be friends at the very end.

Did I act appropriately, or is there anything I should have done?

 

[Changing13]

Rationale,

I will admit that while it is extremely hard to comment on your experience without knowing you or your girlfriend, I will say that you did everything perfectly.

You did not break or show any weakness. If you plan on her coming back or whatever, you played your hand perfectly.

I stand on the side of the fence that I would never take someone back that didn't want to be with me. The way I look at it, is if she did why would she leave in the first place?

Again, it is hard to look at your situation without knowing her situation and quite frankly it is none of my business. It is yours. She may be having a tough time in life, or whatever.

I guess your best bet is to proceed forward and don't give up your dignity. You sound like a guy who has his sh*t together. You did not break down and show any weakness.

If she comes back then you have the option of doing what you want to do. Her hand has been played. She cannot change that. She has to live with it. I guess what I am saying is to just don't contact her or show any weakness. I've read it before you can't say anything to bring her back, you can only say things to push her away.

Trust me, you are a thousand steps ahead of how most people would of handled it. Time will tell, but, atleast now you have options. Remember that no matter how much she cries or what she says, actions always speak louder than words.

Good Luck dude, we have all been there. A door closing is just another way of looking at another fresh and exciting opportunity.

 

[Changing13]

Rationale,

Also, don't be friends. That never works. Don't give her the satisfaction of having her cake and eating it too. You obviously still have feelings for her, so how will it feel when she finds someone else? Just my two cents, you can't have it your way, so don't have it anyway. Unless of course, you can value a "friendship" with her with no emotional attachment. Without knowing you I will bet that you cannot at this time have that. If she truly wants you in her life at some point, it all can wait till you are healed. Don't let her put you through anymore pain than you already are. She will be there if she means it. Again, best of luck man.

 

[ezio]

I agree with the posters above, don't give her the satisfaction of breaking up with you and still having you around in her life to play the role of a part-time boyfriend. you deserve better than that. anyways props on handling the entire break up drama like a boss

 

[wait_out]

"Arguing and doing this to each other?" Care to elaborate a little?

I'm pretty sure you are dancing around the heart of the story.

 

[Rationale]

Thanks for the replies thus far.

@wait_out

The arguing stemmed from the points I mentioned in my initial point.

She'd be.. I guess overbearing.

I'm not the sort of person to basically open myself right up. I believe everyone has the right to keep a part of themselves, to themselves. Evidently she didn't feel the same way, which led to her feeling like I didn't trust her (when I did trust her).

Similarly, she'd get upset that on occasions where I didn't ask about her studies or get upset because I asked how one of her friends were, instead of asking about her. During most phone conversations, she'd exhaustively explain to me about things from her classes, which I had no understanding about. That or she'd use me as an emotional punching bag when things were hard. In those times, I'd try to help, give advice and help her through it, but at the same time, let her know that she shouldn't be taking her problems out on me.

I'll admit I wasn't the most interested in her studies, especially given I'm still studying myself and that this is my penultimate year; I had a lot of other things to balance as well, but I was always there for her when things would go pear shaped.

These above issues were a catalyst for arguments which lead to where I am now.

It's quite hard to explain in words, but at times I felt that no matter what I'd be doing there was always a way she could spin it into a negative.

 

[drellum]

Rationale:

Just read your story and it is not too disimilar to mine.

My ex also thought that I didn't show enough interest, was selfish and didn't express my emotions (I Love You) enough. This frustrated her and essentially drove a wedge between us. We didn't argue too much and we left on good terms. I didn't chase or cry. I explained what I was doing...blocking her on FB etc.

I still love her and have been in NC for almost 3 weeks. I guess it's just a waiting game.

Good luck with your situation.

D

 

[Rationale]

@changing13

It's true I still have feelings for her, but yeah I agree that attempting to maintain any sort of friendship will come at a cost of my emotional well being.

It's funny how you mention "actions always speak louder than words".

On our first date, she actually told me she didn't want a boyfriend. Two weeks later we were an item, so it really goes to show how true that is.

@ezio

Thanks. I was actually in a full suit (looking like a boss) when it all happened because I was just coming from an interview.

@drellum

Yeah, that sounds very similar to mine. I dare say I loved the girl, but the way I see it, my own health and well being is numero uno.

I actually told my partner that when we first started going out. My 'rationale' behind that was the idea that 'if I can't look after myself, how am I meant to look after someone else'.

Looking to the present, that still holds true.

Thanks for the post, and best of luck in your situation as well.

Moving off on a different tangent..

I don't believe in predetermination or destiny, but rather that our futures are our own to shape and it's our actions, not our environment that determines what becomes of us. I'm not going to sit around and wallow in self-pity.

I posted on here to seek the opinion of others for the purpose of self-improvement, which I always look towards.

 

[st_99]

be glad you broke up, you're way too young to be with 1 girl for too long.

 

[wait_out]

"Understanding" these things is difficult (esp. after only 9 months). You're talking about 1) why she needs so much closeness and support, 2) why her problem-solving or self-protection methods (picking fights, "I don't want a boyfriend") are so immature, and 3) why she's bailing on this relationship despite quite possibly still loving you.

If it was destructive or abusive, it makes sense -- the head is winning out over the heart, and the heart does not enjoy losing. If not, it could be anything from the silly (it was a ploy you didn't go for) to the tragic (she couldn't believe you really had feelings for her because she can't process how your view of life and love is different). Everyone has their own narrative for events in their life, you are sharing yours with us but don't be surprised if hers is radically different. And to really understand what makes her tick, it's difficult to pierce through your version of events to know what hers is. Not your fault -- you are limited to the inside of your own body, with only optic and aural nerves to help otherwise.

I'm not assigning blame -- it's simply difficult balancing two humans who can very rarely know what the other truly feels, or why. And that's a dilemma you don't often see on this site, as we usually concern ourselves with the casual. Either way, it's not fun so I wish you both the best of luck recovering -- love does not conquer all, sadly, but we always learn and grow from it. Take these lessons to understand women more deeply and become a better man. If you were fundamentally incompatible, which doesn't preclude love being real, it's really not the fault of either of you -- it's just part of being human in an imperfect world.

 

[Trump]

You are ok with sleeping with her, but when she wants to talk about stuff thats important to her and needs some emotional support, you are not ok with it?

Never understand guys who tell girls they will go no contact. What's the point? If she's not going to phone you, she won't phone you. If she does phone you and you don't like her, be polite and say you don't have the time to talk, after two times, shell get the hint. But to tell a girl you will go no contact and not call her is silly. (hello Jenny, just wanted you to know I will not be calling you anymore...got it? Ok, just wanted to make you knew that. Never again...thanks, take care)

 

[Rationale]

@wait_out

Yeah that makes a lot of sense. It is though extremely hard to empathize when I guess there's that fundamental difference in expectation, so I've taken on board your last sentence.

It is a bit saddening, but I guess that's just how it goes.

@Trump

I'm all for criticism, but I think that's a bit overboard. Firstly, I can say with confidence that the sexual aspect of our relationship was not in anyway skewed purely for my enjoyment.

I did also mention that while I wasn't the most interested in her studies, I was 'always' there for her, even when she would be taking it out on me.

In regards to NC, I honestly can't say why I felt the need to tell her I would be doing it, but I guess from my perspective, it was purely so she knew I didn't want her to contact me (which I know she would otherwise).

 

[coochieman]

Truthfully, there's no use telling a girl you're going NC, if you're gonna do it, you're gonna do it. Would have made more sense to tell her to respect her decisions and seize contact... But either way, all this are little in the bigger picture.

Everything else you did was fine (to me).... What's important is you respect yourself now and help her respect her decision even if she doesn't.

Move on like a big boy would.

 

[Rationale]

@coochieman

Looking back, I think I said it (I'm doing NC) more so, because she said she didn't want to lose contact and wanted to keep talking, and for me, I didn't want her trying to come to my place or see me.

Onto moving on, I don't really think about her at all now. It's only been 4 days or so, yet I've almost forgotten her. Don't really know if that's a good or a bad thing.

Already started tee-ing a few things up and will see what happens. Not really that keen on another relationship right now.