Understanding "the message is in the medium"

[Duet]

I read with great interest an article from Rollo Tomassi called “the message is in the medium”. It was about how a girl feels is really displayed by her actions and not what she says. I agreed with it and think its true of most things in life. I always use this as a barometer to test a chick’s interest and don’t bother too much with what they actually say. But what happens when the messages or the way they behave doesn’t reveal how they feel? I guess nothing is a sure thing in life, but man do I feel thrown and cheated by things a little now. If this barometer of looking at their actions rather than words is wrong or inaccurate, I cant help but feel a bit confused with how to tell if she’s interested? Well maybe that’s an extreme thing to say, but I guess I’m feeling that maybe I cant trust my intuition anymore with this. Maybe I’m just venting and keen to hear your opinions. I'm not an expert with chicks, but truly come here to learn from you guys!

In this case a girl contacted me on a dating site and after chatting for a bit, she asked me if I wanted to meet her. She wasn’t that hot, actually a bit overweight, but for some reason I really enjoyed hanging out with her and found her hysterically funny on our first meet. She was from Ireland and working in my city for the last 2 years. I felt a problem on the first daytime meet - the conversation was fun but I couldn’t find an opportunity to escalate and after a couple of hours she said she had to go. I figured the meetup didn’t go well, however just for the sake of it I sent a text later that eve saying “lets meet up again” but I expected her not to respond. She sent a response back twenty minutes later saying she’d like to but unfortunately she was working nights and wouldn’t be free for another 10 days. I took this to confirm her disinterest and I dropped the idea of her and gave it no more thought.

About 5 days later she texts me out of the blue asking when our next date was on, and then for the next 5 days after that she would send some me about 10 texts per day which I figured was pretty uncommon. We had a date, and from the minute we met there was a lot of drinking, flirting and kissing. She was pretty wild and the night was fun. At the end of the night I went back to her place and she wouldn’t let me have sex with her but we spent the night fooling around in her bed.

From that point, and over the next 2 months there was some constant intensity of either 20 txts per day, lots of sex talk and flirting, and we would meet once or twice a week and talk everyday . Sex however was very sporadic. She was either totally obsessed with it and we would have long sessions of it, or we’d meet and have a lot of kissing and making out but then she’d decide she wanted to go home. She contact me everyday and lots of times per day, but whenever I wanted to see her she didn't want to. The message or medium constantly threw me. This is the bit that I dont understand or realise i need help understanding. If I followed her actions to determine her interest, I would have thought she was interested, almost obsessed.

Whenever I decided her pulling away was a sign for me to forget her and look for other plates, she’d be all intense again and the late night texts would start from her again. I truly didn’t get it. What's worse is that my other plates just were never much fun as her either which only made me probably more blinded. As a background she also told me she didn't have other guys interested in her. She was a bit wacky and a little overweight so I believe this, albeit that for some reason I found myself really attracted to her. With her constantly contacting me and then being cold, I tried pulling away because frankly I respected myself more than to be on this push/pull wagon and I decided to move on. Everytime I cut contact, after a day shed be calling telling me how much she liked having sex with me and how good in bed I was and how she loved spending time with me. If we had sex, often because she’d ask for it, she’d be totally into it all night and then the next day she’d be cold and indifferent. I'd pretend I didn't care and then a couple of hours later her sex texts would start all over again. It wasn't all just sex either. She'd tell me all about her life, share all her thoughts and experiences and open up with everything.

I had enough of this and just decided I wasn’t going to play along and it was cutting into my time to meet other chicks. I confronted her and said I was out and going to move on. She said she was sorry and that she really wanted to like me romantically and enjoyed our time but she just didn’t feel it.

Now here’s the issue. I get if chicks just don’t feel it. It happens and we all move on. I am happy to move on to other plates. But why the contacting me every ten minutes, why all the sex talk and why the sexual intimacy if she wasn’t feeling anything? I could get it if she told me things but then acted differently, but her actions truly dictated that it was her making all the moves on me and not the other way round. According to the “message is in the medium” theory, if she wasn’t interested I would have realized she just wasn’t calling back or was too busy. Given my age and I've been with probably 30 women in my life, I'm really disappointed in myself that I have to ask for such guidance from you guys here. I guess it's important to admit you're crap at things and need to learn.

So this was a bad situation to be in and I can put it behind me, but I worry about other chicks and whether I may misread the signs again. Im sure you guys are much more experienced than me with this. I'd like to learn from you guys how to develop the skills to not get myself into this situation again.

 

[Burroughs]

Bpd : Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.

These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships.

 

[Duet]

Yeah perhaps she had some strange condition, but man do I have a lot to learn from you guys!

 

[Desdinova]

Whenever I decided her pulling away was a sign for me to forget her and look for other plates, she’d be all intense again and the late night texts would start from her again. I truly didn’t get it.

That's the way it works. You need to keep your interest lower than hers - or at least visibly lower than hers. Mystery described it as the cat-string theory. If you tease the cat by letting it have the string just within it's reach and then pull it away, the cat remains interested. Once you let the cat have the entire string, it loses interest.

The best thing to do is keep your non-personal contact minimal, but keep the personal contact fun and interesting. That way, when you 'pull the string away' after ending the date, she's going to want more.

It also works the same with sex. If you start kissing her down her body, moving down her stomach and near her pvssy, you just brush your lips on her pvssy and go for her legs. Women fvcking love it. They want the suspense, the excitement, and the question of whether you're ever going to stick your tongue inside (or take her out on another fun and exciting date).

It's the way women work, and it's a balancing scale. You need to learn how to balance the attention you give her to keep her interested. Once you practice it enough, you'll be able to maintain a woman's interest for a very long period of time.

But why the contacting me every ten minutes, why all the sex talk and why the sexual intimacy if she wasn’t feeling anything?

She told you she wasn't feeling anything when she wasn't feeling anything at the moment she told you. Women thrive on their emotions, but they usually thrive on what they're feeling in the moment. She was certainly feeling something when she was fvcking you. When you catch her in a moment where her emotions are like still waters (as opposed to the thrashing emotional waves during sex) then she's just not going to feel anything. If you would have got her excited before you searched for that answer, then you would have recieved a much different response.

The way to get a woman to 'feel it' almost constantly is to get yourself stuck in her brain. To do this, create fun, exciting dates for the both of you to go on (and that includes fun and excitement during sex), and then pull back when you're not together. Let her 'miss' the time she spent with you and crave your attention. She certainly was craving your attention when you pulled back, wasn't she?

You have to learn to use the woman's quirks to your advantage in order to keep them interested. If you just keep writing women off for their quirks (which EVERY woman has), you're not going to get anywhere with them.

 

[Duet]

The best thing to do is keep your non-personal contact minimal, but keep the personal contact fun and interesting. That way, when you 'pull the string away' after ending the date, she's going to want more.

I

Thanks this is a really interesting response Desdinova. As for the quote above, maybe I'm just a bit dumb, but can you explain this part more. I kind of get what you say but would love to get more wisdom from you about how to do it.

thanks

 

[DonJuanabe]

...

 

[The Karate Kid]

I think what he is saying is that you must keep the non-personal contact minimal ex. (texting, phone calls, social networking). Use it to set up the meeting or date and when you finally get her on the date it becomes more personal. Make it fun and interesting. When you cut out the non-personal crap u keep your contact with her mostly personal (face to face). You get a better understanding if she is into you or just pulling your d!ck. Plus when you give her no attention via text phone and what not she will be more apt to want to see you if she is into you. I use this strategy and it works. It keeps her wondering.

^Fact.
Its ok to shoot a text every once in a while, but never ever everrrrrr just send "hey" or "whats up." always send something interesting and funny. The last chick I dated(solid 9), the first text i ever shot her was "man, there are some real crazy people that hangout at barnes & noble." just a quick random funny convo and I set a meetup.

Always have the mindset "If they're here, cool. If not, cool." I actually tell chicks thats how i think, and they love it

 

[Buddha_Mind]

I don't know if you'll ever find any person, male or female, with whom their words perfectly match their actions. This sh~t could be said about men too. There are plenty of times I say things...I have lots of ideas...but only so many fruit into anything real.

There is truth in some things however...if she's not responding..ignoring you...it doesn't matter what the dialogue is...unless she is swamped or busy, even then, you should be important enough...I do agree if she's fvcking hot and cold and active then retreats..it's just not going to "click" as you wish...the coming and going will likely continue...it sucks...it really really does...

But there is times when we become side-tracked...sometimes we misperceive...I think people should be given another chance...if you're too cold, someday the same treatment could come back--or you could push out a lot of people. Things take time....give sh!t time...things find a solution of their own eventually.