unchartered territory

[MacAvoy]

Need some advice. I'm meeting the g/f's mom for the first time tomorrow. The parent's don't even know about me yet. They are seriously overprotective of their high maintenance princess. Her mom calls her and tells her to come home before dark if it is raining cuz its too dangerous to drive in the rain at night or if it is a long weekend so she doesn't get bumped by drunk drivers.

The father is the classic over protective father. She is 25 and only lived the first year of university in dorm, then lived the last 5 years at home while finishing school. She'll graduate a Medical Radiation Technologist this year debt free.

I moved here 4 months ago to be with her. She's been too scared to tell her parents about us. I think mainly because of my employment status. I haven't been able to find any work in my field and have been stuck working at a call centre for the past 3 months. It is a somewhat depressed economy on the east coast of Canada.

That being said, she is telling her mom about me in the morning on the drive into town. She is going to bring her mom over to our new apartment that she is moving into on Sunday. We'll likely go out for lunch/supper.

Any advice on how I can impress the mother. I was thinking that since I won't be meeting the father till Sunday, I should use some DJ skills to charm the mother. However, how do you come across as being aloof / bad guy and still impress the mother?

I have not had a good history with parents so this is new for me. On one hand, I don't really care because I know if her parents are d1cks about it, it will only push her closer to me, on the other I'm confident there going to be my in-laws in a couple years so I don't want to be an azz.

The point of tomorrow is to win over the mother so she can tell the father that she's met me and I'm a decent guy yadda yadda.... I don't know the right approach though, don't want my DJ mindset to come across the wrong way and have her think I'm hitting on her.

 

[penkitten]

i suggest saying "its easy to see where she gets her good looks from"
as an opener.
mention you heard lots of good things about her and her husband.


recently an older friend of mine, whos an over protective mother, met her daughters boyfriend (right before they moved in together and then got engaged shortly after) he won her over by saying " you have such a wonderful daughter and when i am with her i will treat her as careful as a petal on a rose because she is special to me."( he even used his hand gestures to demonstrate a petal on a rose....)
he was welcomed into the family with open arms and her mother is planning the wedding.

 

[RecoveringAFC]

I've always found being polite and respectful wins the parents over.

Knowing a little something about her parents and/or showing an interest in things they do helps also. Have a conversation with them. Don't try to be ****y, or play any other game.

Polite and respectful wins out every time.

 

[MacAvoy]

The new dilemna. Met the mother today, everything went ok, nothing really, didn't really knock her socks off but didn't do anything to not like me. Very blaze meeting overall. However both the mother and g/f don't think we should let the father know that we are living together.

I am not up for telling any white lies. As a man, I would not respect it if the suppose man who's fvcking my daughter has to lie about it. As a man, I want him to be straight forward and honest with me, especially if he's going to be my future son in law.

What are your thoughts? Think I'm right or do you think I should go along with the 2 women that know him?

 

[Maximus]

Hey MacAvoy

Interesting situation… here is my two cents. Take it for what it is worth… advice given simply on first impression and total third party and unbiased opinion. Excuse the lack of sophistication in my reply with respect to technology... I am not on these forums that much and kind of a ludite.

"The parent's don't even know about me yet."

Red flag. I just finished dating a girl who told me on the second date she had a boyfriend... that she has not told her parents about. I met her parents right away and she talks about me ALL THE TIME to them.. but I am just a friend. Her mom likes me... but she is in a phase (and I told her) where I think she is going to date ANY man her mother hates because she has issues with her MOM that she should not have. In short, I think your g/f has major issues with her father... that is only my guess and do you want a part of a relationship where a daughter can not communicate with her father on such an important topic as the man she is going to marry?

"They are seriously overprotective of their high maintenance princess."

These are your words... not mine. I thought high maintenance was something a Don Juan did not pursue? SERIOUSLY overprotective... not just a little, or normal, or understandable... but SERIOUSLY. My prayer is that this woman is not as hign maintenance as you say, and her parents are not as neurotic as you already seem to think they are... and I can only go by what I assume she has told you about them.

Red flag ... lots of them... I hope not but not looking to good.

"She's been too scared to tell her parents about us. I think mainly because of my employment status"

Understandable... but you ARE employed. That is all that should matter... unless her parents are "professional" class and feel you would be "beneath" her to be her partner in life. Remember dude... long term... where is this going... keep your eyes open.

"On one hand, I don't really care because I know if her parents are d1cks about it, it will only push her closer to me,"

This is a good thing? You want inlaws that treat you like a ****? My hope is that this girl is the OPPOSITE of her parents insecure relationship and that she is strong enough to see her parents as simply adults that raised her... not omnipotent figures. If she can do that, you might find a girl that will set her parents straigt and STICK to you on principle, not out of fear. Fear is the worst emotion to build a long term relationship on.

" on the other I'm confident there going to be my in-laws in a couple years so I don't want to be an azz."

Again... I pray things are not as bad as I am reading here... but please, keep your eyes open and remember you will have to deal with these people EVERY YEAR at least once, if not more, if not A LOT when you have KIDS (no control issues their I imagine)... and if this girl is not prepared to be by your side and walk from your parents behaviour.... YOU my friend will be the "ass" at every family occasion whether you try to be one or not.

"Polite and respectful wins out every time."

And if you do not get it in return... keep your eyes open and think long term. No matter how great the girl is... her family will always take precedent over yours... do you want these people in your life?

"However both the mother and g/f don't think we should let the father know that we are living together."

Please... please tell me I do not have to throw a red flag on this one for you.

Her mother AND her daughter(your g/f) think it is best the MAN who is going to WALK HER DOWN THE AISLE should not know you are living together? When IS the best time to tell him about you? (laughs)

Also... this shows you that her MOTHER is COOL with KEEPING THINGS from her father and your g/f agrees with her??? I can not see the field for the red flags.

"I am not up for telling any white lies. As a man, I would not respect it if the suppose man who's fvcking my daughter has to lie about it. As a man, I want him to be straight forward and honest with me, especially if he's going to be my future son in law."

You already know what to do You know this is wrong. You know you need to tell him and MEET him. You WANT to be the man he hands his daughter too. Are you going to do what is right?

"Think I'm right or do you think I should go along with the 2 women that know him?"

What does a Don Juan do when a woman asks him to do something he should not? He does what is right, not what she wants. What does an AFC that wants to please a woman and not cause conflict or problems do... despite knowing it will come to bite him in the ass later? He collapses his spine and lets two women tell him what is best because they clearly know better what to do than you do.

Do you want to meet her father on HER terms or yours? She is afraid to tell her parents about you. She tells her Mom and now they BOTH do not want the father to know you are living together. Maybe they will think it best if you pretend your are only just starting to date and she lives at home with them and only visits you at your apartment for awhile. Then, after some time with her father getting to know you as a "new guy" of only a few months, you can get more serious and announce you want to "move in" together.. or maybe these two women think it would be better that you get ENGAGED before announcing you are living together as that would make her father LESS angry???

Do you see where I am going with this?

Who is running this show?

I am single for a reason and it is because I have to much freaking spine. I would be very spooked about a girl I have been seeing long enough to consider marrying that has not told her parents about me at all. And I don't think I need to warn you about the perils of living together. If she is worth living with... she is worth being engaged to... you are not married if you are engaged.. but if you feel she is unsure about being angaged right now... why is she sure it is ok to live together and not tell her father about you?

Please.. do not misinterpret my intentions. I mean no disrespect. I just think you should step back and see things from a different perspective.

Love blinds us sometimes and that is a good thing. But going into marriage with blinders on will only come to bite you in the ass later, especially if no friend told you what they saw because they wanted to be supportive.

Good friends tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

I truly wish you good luck. If you have found a diamond, fight for her.

If you feel you are the best man for this man's daughter, then the sooner you TELL him and SHOW him, the sooner he will respect you and honour you with passing his trust of her care to you.

All the best and good luck.

Maximus

 

[MacAvoy]

Hey MacAvoy

In short, I think your g/f has major issues with her father... that is only my guess and do you want a part of a relationship where a daughter can not communicate with her father on such an important topic as the man she is going to marry?

"They are seriously overprotective of their high maintenance princess."

These are your words... not mine. I thought high maintenance was something a Don Juan did not pursue? SERIOUSLY overprotective... not just a little, or normal, or understandable... but SERIOUSLY. My prayer is that this woman is not as hign maintenance as you say, and her parents are not as neurotic as you already seem to think they are...

This is a good thing? You want inlaws that treat you like a ****?

" on the other I'm confident there going to be my in-laws in a couple years so I don't want to be an azz."

YOU my friend will be the "ass" at every family occasion whether you try to be one or not.

What does a Don Juan do when a woman asks him to do something he should not? He does what is right, not what she wants. What does an AFC that wants to please a woman and not cause conflict or problems do... despite knowing it will come to bite him in the ass later? He collapses his spine and lets two women tell him what is best because they clearly know better what to do than you do.

Do you see where I am going with this?

Who is running this show?
Maximus

I love the brutal in your face honesty in this place. Its too bad most AFC's take it the wrong way and think they're in a fight w/ their g/f and start rationalizing everything.

In here its like the alpha comes out and the boxers go right for the blood and attack the weak points. But a good boxer knows that he has to bolster his weak spots so the best thing for you is a strong opponent.

I was very vague as I didn't want to get into a novel but you did pick up on some good points, the points that were off base, I'll just ignore since I didn't give the whole story, no point in going into those.

You already know what to do You know this is wrong. You know you need to tell him and MEET him. You WANT to be the man he hands his daughter too. Are you going to do what is right?

I truly wish you good luck. If you have found a diamond, fight for her.
Maximus

You were right, right after I posted this I knew what I had to do. She called and I told her I would not lie. She ended up telling her father, it didn't go as bad as she thought.

I may have been somewhat misleading when I referred to them as future in laws. We are not engage nor are we near that stage. We do have a solid relationship that is based on open communication. Sometimes I subscribe to the Think Rich, Grow Rich / NLP mentality so if I can't see that as a possibility with this women, then I don't waste my time with her.

I've had my toys but when it comes to women that I get involved in relationships I tend to date above my social standard. Not so much as in class but in terms of skaniness. I'm a skank and the women that I get serious with tend to be angels.

 

[Maximus]

In your face brutal honesty. It is what I am good at. I am glad you took it the right way, as it was intended... just an opinion given on the facts you shared and no more.

I truly wish you good luck. It seems only complete strangers can accept and be ok with total honesty from another stranger. Friends, family, and girls... not so much. I know they appreciate it later... but being honest has never gotten me far in life so far. But I can sleep at night.

It's funny how we already know what we are going to do... sometimes I wonder why we look for advice or feedback at all. But I think only those who are truly closed minded never think to ask someone else of their opinion on a situation. Unfortunately, there are a lot of closed minded peopleout there.

Take care my friend.

 

[SoldMySoul]

You know what they say about first impressions. I am usually not so hot in this department. It will take more than meeting for them to form a real opinion of you. Be yourself would be in order if you are decent person. Talk to them and show a genuine interest. Of course there are some people you will never reach and hopefully in this case they aren't like that.