Ok guys, I'm still at the crossroads here and for those of you who didn't read my first post, its on this board titled Trouble with wife. One thing has been solved and that she has admitted that she has been bad with money and is going to destroy her cards when they are paid. The other issues are still up in the air and there is a new drama now. I actually do not know what to do about this: She is taking a second job as a waitress at a jazz bar. She came right out and said she wasn't going to wear her wedding ring when working there. Most of you should know the reason for that: It conveys availability= better tips. And she is attractive. What I'm REALLY pis*ed off about is that there was no discussion about it- she's just going to do it. My feeling is that I'm being dissed here- badly. Now this may sound immature and insecure although I'm really not worried about her cheating although anything is possible of course. I've been pis*ed off all fu*king day long and have been thinking about beginning a no contest filing, not just because of this, (although this definitely does not make me feel good about where things are heading)but all the other stuff that I've posted. Also, I just got through reading the 'Misconception of marriage' thread and I can relate alot to some of the posts. Anyway, My question is: Am I overreacting or not? One side says I have a good reason to be mad, other side says I'm immature. What do you guys think?
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Trouble with wife 2
- Thread starter danny62
- Start date
I've waitressed a lot before...and it is true that if you are attractive and guys think you are single they will tip you a lot more. It's stupid, but a lot of guys who go to bars will tip married waitresses like crap because when they are drinking they seem to think if they tip well it will impress the pretty single waitress. Most of the time they don't even try to hit on the waitress, but it's just one of those drunk male things some guys do. Although she certainly should have discussed it with you first, I completely understand her reasoning behind it...especially in a bar waitressing job. If it were just a restaurant it would be entirely different. Not appearing married can mean double the money for a waitress...and if she's trying to get money to pay off debts then maybe you want to give her a little bit on slack on this one. Based on what you posted it sounds like her only reason for wanting this job is to make as much money as possible so she can pay off the credit cards. If she didn't have a good reason to want to take the job then there would be more reason for concern. I'd tell her it bothered you that she made this decision on her own because you are married and things like this really need to be discussed as a team if your marriage is going to last. Going on only what you've posted it really sounds like she's just determined to get the debts paid and is convinced that this choice will best help her do that.
If you feel she's doing this in a disrespectful manner, tell her your not going to wear your wedding ring at work either. She doesnt wear hers, you dont wear yours. Period. This is nonnegotiable. She wont want you running around not wearing your ring. Throw the crap right back at her.
If shes doing it to pay off her credit card bills, tough. Wear the ring and accept smaller tips. The guy tipping her didnt get her in debt, she did. She's just trying to use other AFC's money to fix her own financial screw ups.
Whats good for her is good for you. If its no big deal for her not to wear hers, it should be no problem for you not wear yours. She will understand.
This may seem a little gruff, but i'm sick of women and their BS right now. A very close person to me has a wife trying to rake him over the coals for her financial ignorance.
If shes doing it to pay off her credit card bills, tough. Wear the ring and accept smaller tips. The guy tipping her didnt get her in debt, she did. She's just trying to use other AFC's money to fix her own financial screw ups.
Whats good for her is good for you. If its no big deal for her not to wear hers, it should be no problem for you not wear yours. She will understand.
This may seem a little gruff, but i'm sick of women and their BS right now. A very close person to me has a wife trying to rake him over the coals for her financial ignorance.
WaterTiger
Master Don Juan
Hmmmm....I don't like the idea of her leaving her rings at home, especially if YOU don't like it. She screwed up badly and now SHE has to show YOU a little more than the usual respect. Even if it does cost her a few bucks in tips.
Tell her to wear her ring....period.
Tell her to wear her ring....period.
LOL.
This woman is vindictive.
She is making you "pay" for you being right. It is the "Hmmmm...do I need to get a second job? Okay, I will do it in such a fashion that he is not going to like it".
She is trying to disrespect you. And she is doing this...to create a FIGHT.
Her desire outcome is this:
That's what she is trying to do.
She is trying to act vindictive.
This woman is vindictive.
She is making you "pay" for you being right. It is the "Hmmmm...do I need to get a second job? Okay, I will do it in such a fashion that he is not going to like it".
She is trying to disrespect you. And she is doing this...to create a FIGHT.
Her desire outcome is this:
- You don't like this ring issue (and rightfully so).
- This lead to a fight.
- This lead to her telling you that she is trying to get a second job, but you are "against it".
- This lead to YOU getting the second job.
That's what she is trying to do.
She is trying to act vindictive.
It amazes me how bad of an advice you give on this particular issue.Wyldfire said:
Are you kidding me? Men don't try to approach waitressess???? LOL. You forgot that almost everybody in here is a MAN?
If she provides a good service...she will get a tip. If she is good looking she will get tip EVEN if she has a ring as men don't care about that. Especially DRUNK men.
After the tip...men might try to approach her and her response should be (showing the ring)..."Sorry, but I'm already married".
He has to take charge of this marriage. If a RING is an important thing to him...then she should wear it as respect for him. Same, the other way around.
You are missing the point...the woman knows she was wrong. But she is now acting vindictive. And she will either do things in a way he won't like...or say "I'm not making enough money because of the constraints you have put".
So...her goal is to either
1- Make him miserable (if she has to get a second job)
OR
2- to make him get the second job
Very good point.Mind_Body_Soul
Senior Don Juan
I think you are dead on here. It sounds like she´s throwing a tantrum, e.g. "If I have to get a job I´m going to do everything I can to make you suffer as well"Latinoman said:
If you really want to salvage your relationship, you have to take control of this b1tch and remind her who´s the man.
I'm really disappointed in the men responding here so far - everyone one of you should have just entitled your response "I'm insecure".
Danny62, Wyldfire gave you the right thought process. To not wear the wedding ring under the proposed circumstances makes complete sense. But what I hope you realize (and what everyone else should realize too), is that if she's not trustworthy with respect to cheating, that's its own problem that has nothing to do with something as mundane as her deciding not to wear a wedding ring to make more tip money (which it clearly will allow for). The fact that she let you know beforehand instead of simply doing it anyway (not wearing the ring), was actually a show of respect for you.
Now i dont have the advantage of context in which her declaration was delivered. You said she did it immediately. But what you didn't say was how she said it, such as a "well... if i have to do this, then i'm not wearing the ring", vs. "Danny62, I think the waitressing thing is a good idea. However, I think it would also make good sense if i didn't wear my wedding ring while doing it since I would make far more tip money" delivered with an even-kil voice. If it was the former, then yeah i'll agree there are some problems there - but not because of her decision to not wear the ring, per se.
To answer your question though, you sound just as insecure as all of the men responding so far; degree being "very". Being visually reactive to something like this also demonstrates you have less power than her per the DJ Bible.
Danny62, Wyldfire gave you the right thought process. To not wear the wedding ring under the proposed circumstances makes complete sense. But what I hope you realize (and what everyone else should realize too), is that if she's not trustworthy with respect to cheating, that's its own problem that has nothing to do with something as mundane as her deciding not to wear a wedding ring to make more tip money (which it clearly will allow for). The fact that she let you know beforehand instead of simply doing it anyway (not wearing the ring), was actually a show of respect for you.
Now i dont have the advantage of context in which her declaration was delivered. You said she did it immediately. But what you didn't say was how she said it, such as a "well... if i have to do this, then i'm not wearing the ring", vs. "Danny62, I think the waitressing thing is a good idea. However, I think it would also make good sense if i didn't wear my wedding ring while doing it since I would make far more tip money" delivered with an even-kil voice. If it was the former, then yeah i'll agree there are some problems there - but not because of her decision to not wear the ring, per se.
To answer your question though, you sound just as insecure as all of the men responding so far; degree being "very". Being visually reactive to something like this also demonstrates you have less power than her per the DJ Bible.
JustDoItAlways
Master Don Juan
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Talk to a lawyer and start protecting yourself financially.
I see you having to cover $100,000 in credit card bills in the divorce (while she continues living the high life with some rich guy she met innocently and just clicked with at the Jazz bar.)
I see you having to cover $100,000 in credit card bills in the divorce (while she continues living the high life with some rich guy she met innocently and just clicked with at the Jazz bar.)
SHE doesnt really matter in all this.
the real question is why are you with her? you dont seem happy with how she lives her life or the decisions she makes.
why are you staying with someone that you obviously aren't compatible with.
i'll tell you why. like always you either perceive that you have no other options or that she is the PRIZE and you are lucky to have her.
and because you think this way now your worried that she's going to come across some dude while waitressing with a bunch of money who will let her spend like a spendthrift in exchange for f*cking her up the *ss. THAT is your real fear about the ring - that you are going to lose her.
Guess what - if you're afraid your woman is going to leave you its probably already a done deal, the only question is when and where.
your situation ain't going to get better until you stand up for yourself and know what you want in life and know whether that is truly her.
because i can tell you this. lets say someone gives you the perfect advice on this ring sh*t, guess what, next week its going to be something else. and after that something else. the "tell me what to do guys" scenario is NEVER going to end.
the real question is why are you with her? you dont seem happy with how she lives her life or the decisions she makes.
why are you staying with someone that you obviously aren't compatible with.
i'll tell you why. like always you either perceive that you have no other options or that she is the PRIZE and you are lucky to have her.
and because you think this way now your worried that she's going to come across some dude while waitressing with a bunch of money who will let her spend like a spendthrift in exchange for f*cking her up the *ss. THAT is your real fear about the ring - that you are going to lose her.
Guess what - if you're afraid your woman is going to leave you its probably already a done deal, the only question is when and where.
your situation ain't going to get better until you stand up for yourself and know what you want in life and know whether that is truly her.
because i can tell you this. lets say someone gives you the perfect advice on this ring sh*t, guess what, next week its going to be something else. and after that something else. the "tell me what to do guys" scenario is NEVER going to end.
Yeah, and dont get me wrong, from what i recall from your first post, Danny, I believe even i advised moving on based on what you told us. My comments above pertain only to this specific issue, treated in an isolated fashion.JustDoItAlways said:
But overall, maybe your best move is to move on.
KarmaSutra
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Poll said:
This brother is fvcking on target! Precisely what I would do.
He put her in her place by telling her about having to take financial responsibilities. By telling her that he won’t be taking a second job. In a nutshell, she did not have an intention to work. Her intention was for HIM to work and support her spending addiction.azanon said:
Once he planted his foot down…she decided to give up. However, of all the possible jobs out there…what did she choose as a second job?
She chose a waitress job in a Jazz Nightclub without the Wedding Ring. Heck, she came right up and said that!!! No debate…no discussion. She simply put it out there. LOL. It is so blatantly obvious. Heck, I have done it myself!!! It is just that I’m more cover about it! LOL.
Now…nothing wrong with the waitress job in that place. But she is obviously trying to be vindictive.
Maybe he fears that she might leave him for another man. If that is the case, then he should start getting ready just in case as there must be a reason for that mistrust. Or maybe he senses that she is disrespecting me. If that is the case, then he should not compromise respect as respect is never for compromise. I don’t know his reasons…all I know is that he is Unhappy.
Vulpine
Master Don Juan
KarmaSutra said:
I'd pawn it to pay down the credit card bills. Interest is a M'F'er.
Talk about a "gesture", don't discuss it with her, just find it laying around and put it to some use.
"Honey, where's my ring?"
"It got a second job to pay off the credit card bills."
It'd bother him only because he is AFC. Personally, I wouldnt give a s***. There's a minimum insecurity threshold level that just wouldnt be passed for me with something like that. Now that we're talking about wedding rings, maybe I should actually bother to look at my wife's hand on occasion just to make sure she wears hers. I say that because its definitely something I dont dwell on.Latinoman said:
Ive already said there might be a bigger problem than the wedding ring. My only point is the wedding ring thing in and of itself is only an issue for your AFC. She has a perfectly good reason to not wear it. Hel*, i wouldnt want her to in that instance.
And there you have it.... she does that because it gets a rise out of him because he's inherently insecure. A woman wouldnt even try that with me for that reason, because why would someone do something that is definitely going to have no effect. It'd be a waste of time.Latinoman said:
Sure i might use a powerplay like that on a weak person too...... The the quesiton becomes, whats the problem; the person doing the powerplay or the insecure person reacting like an insecure person?
You have to look at the history of their drama and apply your advice based on what has beeing going on. And what would happen if things don't get better and he end up wasting 4 or 5 more years of his life. Then you have to add the "likelihood" approach based on how "likely" a certain type of woman (age, past, etc.) would behave.azanon said:
You cannot apply your advice based on YOUR situation. Heck, if I applied my advice based on mine, we would have a series of rakes in here or men dating older women or getting in situations that only a VERY low number of men can get away with as luck might play part of the risks.
It comes down to this: This woman has some serious issues. One is manipulation. Another is misbehaving when things don't go her way. He needs to regain control of the relationship...as she is out of control and sadly, not the type of woman in which you should trust the path of the relationship (perfect scenario, a couple have "equal" or near equal control of the path of the relationship...but not in this case).