The Rules for guys continued
1. Don't call her after sex.
Make her wait a few days. Girls do this stare at the phone thing, makes them all anticipatory. Don't give them what they want. Call her in a couple of days or if you get horny again. Also, after sex, just roll over and go to sleep, even if she hasn't had an orgasm yet. You did a lot of work and you're tired, and you have important work to do tomorrow.
2. Always end phone calls first.
Especially if she's read the Girl's Rules that tell her to do this, you won't have to worry about long phone calls. I mean girls can yak so long on the phone.
3. Tell her what she wants to hear (ie. Lie.)
You like long walks on the beach. You love kids. You like to cook. You're looking to settle down in a country home with that one special girl. You love horses, paris, chick movies, sushi and Meryl Streep. You support her goals. Tell her you're rich, famous, whatever. She'll figure out the more ridiculous ones eventually but if you play this right you'll get laid first and have her captured. Don't be scared to eventually talk to her about "the relationship" -- girls go for this. Just be sure not to believe it yourself.
4. Stop dating her if she doesn't put out by the second date.
Pretend like you're not super eager to get laid but drop the hint with gentle physical contact. It is nice to date easy chicks and all and get laid on the first date, but some of the hottest ones like to wait a date. However, if she doesn't at least give you a ******* by date #2, #3 at the latest, there are better investments out there. On date #3, remind her of the "third date rule."
5. No more than casual sex on the first, or 100th date.
Definitely don't get too involved, as she might ask to be monogamous or something. Make sure that you never let yourself get tied down.
6. Tell her what to do.
Hey, in the end they all want to be dominated. So make all the decisions and see how she goes for it. If so, you can probably get this to continue in the bedroom. No girl is perfect, but most of them like to please a man so you can change the one(s) you have to fit your needs.
7. Be the bad boy.
Girls love the "bad boy." They hope they can "reform" him, or they're a case of point #11 above. Either way, you can be as bad as you like. Treat her like she doesn't exist. Be mysterious. Dangerous. Wear cuffs and a leather motorcycle jacket, even if you drive a Hyundai. (Park the Hyundai somewhere else and walk to where you meet her, though.) Remember, nice guys don't get laid.
8. Don't let her know anything she can pin on you.
Girls like to get close to their guy, and "communicate." But later, if you break up, she might try and get back at you so for crissake don't let her know anything she could use or spread to others. Invent deep intimate stuff you can tell her in bed, she'll go for it. If you can't think up your own, buy one of those books with Fabio (the guy from the "I can't believe it's not butter" commercials) on the cover and be one of those guys. (God, this guy can't tell butter from margarine and chicks swoon over him? Something strange going on here.)
9. Don't tell her you're married!
For some reason they get really upset. When you take off your ring, get some tanning lotion or put your hand under a sunlamp to make sure it's not visible where you took it off. Or tell your wife you just don't want to wear a ring; invent some sort of bizarre hand disease or rice picker accident. Anyway even the ones who haven't read the Girl's Rules don't want to date married guys so don't let her (or your wife) know.
10. Be a pain to live with.
Well, this isn't a thing to so much try to do as a reminder to be yourself. If you shack up, don't alter your own life just to make it easier for her. One exception, which is admittedly a royal pain, but worth it -- put the toilet seat down after you take a wizz. She sees that and she'll think she's found god's gift to girls, and she'll give you better sex than a $300 hooker. Compare -- 5 seconds of your time each day to put down the seat vs. $300 *******. No brainer!
11. Don't get caught staring at her tits or other girls'.
For some reason girls don't like it when we stare at their tits when we talk to them. And they don't like us staring at other girls' either. As if we have a choice! Anyway, they're watching for this so don't get caught. Check their eyes, then do your looking.
12. Don't let her leave your things in your apartment.
Or give her a key, until you're sure you can count on her for very regular nookie. Otherwise they might try to insinuate themselves into your life before you are sure of this.
13. Even if you're engaged or married, you still can play around.
I mean, do they own you or something? This rule is the most fun.
14. Do The Rules even when your friends or parents think you're nuts!
Truth is, you're getting laid, and they are just jealous.
15. Don't give her the ring, but make her think you will -- or give her a fake ring.
Drop hints and pretend like some day you want to be married to her, but don't actually do it. You can even get engaged if you want to lock in some regular *****. There's no law that says you actually have to follow through with the ceremony. Plus, it takes an expert to tell cubic zirconia from a diamond, and if she takes her ring to an expert she clearly doesn't trust you and is a lost cause anyway. You can get one of these rings for about $100 and trust me you'll get a **** worth far more than that out of it.
16. Double check the birth control.
There's a trade off here. On one hand you don't want to use condoms, so get her on the pill ASAP. On the other hand if she runs the birth control she might blindside you with something annoying like a kid just to hook you. You decide. If she gets pregnant, take the new "morning-after" pill for guys. (It alters your blood type.)
17. Don't discuss The Rules for Guys with girls.
Like I need to explain this one to you? Do they explain their rules to us? Thought not.
18. Sometimes ya gotta break The Rules.
Hey, Burger King said it best. And it's a great place for a cheap date (use $4 from the $300 she "lent" you.) But in this case I mean you gotta break the Girl's Rules.
19. Do The Rules For Guys and you'll get laid.
Don't forget this. You may be tempted to break them, to be "nice" or "sensitive" or even listen to her. But everybody knows that nice guys don't get laid. You want to be nice or in the sack? I thought so.
