Told her I love her, now what?

[decentguy]

About me:
- Late bloomer, had one LTR from ages 22 to 25, dated a few other girls but nothing serious.
- The girl I'm referring to in this message is my 2nd girlfriend.
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I told her I love her.

We've been in a relationship for 3 months. She has all the qualities I've ever wanted in a girl and her actions show me that she loves me.

2 weeks ago, she told me that her ex (who was a player and a complete ******* with her) tried to contact her but that she did not contact him back. He has stalked her in the past. She wanted to tell me this because she thought it was the right thing to do and doesn't want to hide anything from me. She also said she didn't want to do anything that could possibly jeopardize our relationship and made a point of stating that I don't realize how important I am to her. In the 3 months that we have been together, she has been nothing but giving with me.

I started the relationship off on the right foot: by being a challenge. I tease her regularly, dominate her physically (I slap her ass often) and the sex is wild. In fact, she initiates it most of the time. This girl has a heart of gold, is mature and feminine. The funniest part is that she thought I was a player when we first started dating. A few weeks ago she told me that she felt like she was always after me (which is true, I always let her initiate contact more than I do with her) and asked if I was getting sick of her.

A couple of days ago, we were laying in bed talking and I told her I love her. It was a spur of the moment thing. Her response was "really?" with a surprised look on her face. She then said "I love you too" and apologized for being such a dork in the moment. She admitted that she knew she was in love with me when her ex tried to contact her and she didn't care about him, whereas in the past, she would have contacted him back. She said she didn't want to say she loved me at first because she didn't want to scare me off. This is when I realized that I f***d up majorly by saying it.

And then a few days later, I f***d up again. I told her I felt like I was being compared to her exes all the time because she mentions them, and also told her that her reaction to my "I love you" made me question whether I said it too early. We talked it out and she explained to me that she was surprised I said it because she thought I would say it within maybe a year. She also said that I'm not even in the same category as her exes (1 was a player, 1 was super possessive and some were average guys), and that she's never had such an easy, effortless relationship (i.e. no fighting or passive/aggressive crap). She says I have the qualities she's always wished she could all find in one man. She genuinely enjoys being with me and often tries to get me to stay 5 more minutes when I'm about to leave her apartment.

So far things have still remained great but I've noticed very subtle changes:
- she teases me more in a playful way (just as I do), she calls me a "geek" and an "old man" a lot.
- I was trying choosing an item at the drugstore and was hesitating between different brands and she then said "God, you're worse than a girl."
- I wanted to avoid walking into some snow on the street to not get my shoes dirty and she said "Who's the man in this relationship?"

These are all said in a playful/joking way but my instinct tells me that without her even realizing, her interest level has dropped slightly. She still does tons of things which show me she's still very much into me though. Aside from these incidents, there have been no other changes that I can detect.

What specifically can I do to regain the initial attraction (before I told her I loved her)?
Can this be saved or is it all downhill from here?

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After reading some comments about how the relationship is all downhill because of this I should add an important fact: a couple of days before I told her I love her she let out that we were meant for each other in a conversation. Even after I told her I love her, she also let out in an indirect way that she wanted to get married to me. I think she realized what she said and immediately changed the subject, because she's afraid of scaring me off with stuff like that.

 

[runner83]

Never tell a girl you love her before she says it. Learn from this.

In my also jaded opinion, I suspect it's all downhill from here, especially if she is still mentioning exes to you.

The only unknown is how far down the slope she'll drag your self respect before it all ends. How far will depend on you.

Go back to doing what was working.

The funniest part is that she thought I was a player when we first started dating

She says she doesn't like players, and yet she has been with them in the past, and she started dating you because she thought you were one as well.

Doesn't matter at all what she says or thinks she knows. It only matters what she does. Focus on actions as they are all that matter when judging women, not words.

 

[Onlyliveonce]

Create competition immediately with this woman if you want this to continue. Major screw-up by telling her you love her. Let her know she is not the only show in town. She has started toying with your emotions and confidence, simply because she thinks you have no other options and will put up with her games. Get out there now and get another woman! If you have the energy get more than one to counteract her perception of having control of the relationship.
Better yet go no contact and get another woman.

 

[Lucifero]

As far as this relationship goes, you offed yourself when you dropped the "L-Bomb" in only 3 Months. lol I got a plan for you though (because I'm so awesome, nice and benevolent): Next time you see her bring up the whole "I love you" situation. Say something along the lines of: "You know, when I told you I loved you, I was just seeing how you would react, right? You did a good job, I thought I'd test you to see if you'd become a stalker like this one girl..." and MAKE UP A STORY ABOUT AN EX WHO YOU TOLD HER THAT YOU LOVED HER AND SHE WENT CRAZY OVER YOU. Tell her you didnt want to repeat that experience and she passed your "test". And also chime in "because we both know its too early to say something as serious as that" jokingly. Then change the subject. This will work if you said you loved her within the past few days, otherwise it wont. Anyway, if you make this mistake again you are on your own...

 

[prairiedog24]

As far as this relationship goes, you offed yourself when you dropped the "L-Bomb" in only 3 Months. lol I got a plan for you though (because I'm so awesome, nice and benevolent): Next time you see her bring up the whole "I love you" situation. Say something along the lines of: "You know, when I told you I loved you, I was just seeing how you would react, right? You did a good job, I thought I'd test you to see if you'd become a stalker like this one girl..." and MAKE UP A STORY ABOUT AN EX WHO YOU TOLD HER THAT YOU LOVED HER AND SHE WENT CRAZY OVER YOU. Tell her you didnt want to repeat that experience and she passed your "test". And also chime in "because we both know its too early to say something as serious as that" jokingly. Then change the subject. This will work if you said you loved her within the past few days, otherwise it wont. Anyway, if you make this mistake again you are on your own...

Whatever you do, DON'T do this. I can't imagine Pook or IGETIT or anyone of that caliber playing such a silly game.

 

[Chickfight]

Look, it wasn't the best move to drop the L-word, but it's only a big deal if you make it a big deal, such as you are doing now.

You probably heard before that you should never say it first bla bla bla. Now you think you've ****ed up and you're wiring yourself to pick up on every little thing as evidence that you ****ed up. STOP NOW. If you keep doing this, it's over and done with.

Here's what you do: Act like you never said it and when you catch yourself thinking about it, think about something else. Be like you were before you said it.

She probably said those kinds of things before, but you didn't notice it because you were indifferent. Go back to this, THIS is attractive. The fact that you're noticing all these stupid little things now means it affected you and she can sense this which leads to her doing and saying MORE and much worse sh!t, which will affect you even more. Do you see this vicious cycle?

I repeat: go back to the old you and don't worry about it anymore.

 

[Pierce]

As far as this relationship goes, you offed yourself when you dropped the "L-Bomb" in only 3 Months. lol I got a plan for you though (because I'm so awesome, nice and benevolent): Next time you see her bring up the whole "I love you" situation. Say something along the lines of: "You know, when I told you I loved you, I was just seeing how you would react, right? You did a good job, I thought I'd test you to see if you'd become a stalker like this one girl..." and MAKE UP A STORY ABOUT AN EX WHO YOU TOLD HER THAT YOU LOVED HER AND SHE WENT CRAZY OVER YOU. Tell her you didnt want to repeat that experience and she passed your "test". And also chime in "because we both know its too early to say something as serious as that" jokingly. Then change the subject. This will work if you said you loved her within the past few days, otherwise it wont. Anyway, if you make this mistake again you are on your own...

That was the dumbest post I have EVER seen on this site. :crackup:

 

[Zunder]

OP: You say you dominate her but she initiates the sex most of the time???
Those two statements do not fit.

My unprofessioanl opinion is that this relationship is a done for.
You dropped that L thing first and too early. Whenever I have done this it has ended in disaster.

When she does dump u, don't get oneitis like I did the early part of this year.

Couple other things...I reckon she teases you more because she has lost a little bit of respect for you. IMO its the mans job to tease, and if you do it right, its the womens job to giggle "stop it" in a playful way. She is treating you as a friend by teasing your a$$.

And I agree with someone in an earlier reply that said she menitoned her ex because she cant stop thinking about him, still gets gina tingles for him, and then one day tells you she is leaving you to go back to him.

Call me a pessimist.

 

[Altair]

You're over analyzing, don't listen to the people who say your relationship is done for or that everything is going downhill from now. That's some grade a bullshvt right there. Listen to the guy below, he's right on the money:

Look, it wasn't the best move to drop the L-word, but it's only a big deal if you make it a big deal, such as you are doing now.

You probably heard before that you should never say it first bla bla bla. Now you think you've ****ed up and you're wiring yourself to pick up on every little thing as evidence that you ****ed up. STOP NOW. If you keep doing this, it's over and done with.

Here's what you do: Act like you never said it and when you catch yourself thinking about it, think about something else. Be like you were before you said it.

She probably said those kinds of things before, but you didn't notice it because you were indifferent. Go back to this, THIS is attractive. The fact that you're noticing all these stupid little things now means it affected you and she can sense this which leads to her doing and saying MORE and much worse sh!t, which will affect you even more. Do you see this vicious cycle?

I repeat: go back to the old you and don't worry about it anymore.

 

[DonJuan_DeRosco]

Be sure and keep us updated on how it goes though. Every story brings either new information or corroboration of previous findings.

Although, I have to agree with most of the guys here, you are maybe over analyzing slightly, however.....

I was trying choosing an item at the drugstore and was hesitating between different brands and she then said "God, you're worse than a girl."

This is the start

2 weeks ago, she told me that her ex (who was a player and a complete ******* with her) tried to contact her but that she did not contact him back

Funny, an ex of mine said the exact same thing.

She also said that I'm not even in the same category as her exes (1 was a player, 1 was super possessive and some were average guys), and that she's never had such an easy, effortless relationship (i.e. no fighting or passive/aggressive crap). She says I have the qualities she's always wished she could all find in one man. She genuinely enjoys being with me and often tries to get me to stay 5 more minutes when I'm about to leave her apartment.

And this!

Didn't stop her setting up the next turkey did it.

Tread warily but most of all, remember the lessons this experience teaches you.

All the best.

 

[betheman]

ahhh, she brings up the exs? once? more often? why does she need to? do you bring your ex's up?
you are being compared, and in future, when you get dumped, you will be one of them!
are all her failed relationships as a result of 'the bad men'? heard it all before, she sounds like a victim. dont mention the L word again, put a bit of distance and mystery into the relationship, get some competition in.

 

[Lucifero]

That was the dumbest post I have EVER seen on this site. :crackup:

Okay lol. Now, do you actually have any advice for this guy or do you just want to comment on me? Loser.

 

[Lucifero]

Whatever you do, DON'T do this. I can't imagine Pook or IGETIT or anyone of that caliber playing such a silly game.

Hey, he's the one in "Love" with her and he obviously doesnt want to lose her. If he didnt care about losing her, he should just continue on like nothing happened, but he does care so he needs a strategy. People like the P man and IGETIT dont mind losing women, but this guy obviously does. Thats why he wanted advice on how to keep her.

I think dropping the L-Bomb was a very bad thing to do in this situation, so I gave my remedy: Play it off like it was a joke and move forward in the relationship. Simple and Effective, address the issue and leave it alone. You should never say such a serious statement like that early, and the only way to take down the seriousness of it is to downplay it. You can disagree all you want, it does not matter.

And I liked how you told him what he shouldnt do without giving him advice on what he should do, you chump. And dating IS a game, better play to win.

 

[mikeyb]

As far as this relationship goes, you offed yourself when you dropped the "L-Bomb" in only 3 Months. lol I got a plan for you though (because I'm so awesome, nice and benevolent): Next time you see her bring up the whole "I love you" situation. Say something along the lines of: "You know, when I told you I loved you, I was just seeing how you would react, right? You did a good job, I thought I'd test you to see if you'd become a stalker like this one girl..." and MAKE UP A STORY ABOUT AN EX WHO YOU TOLD HER THAT YOU LOVED HER AND SHE WENT CRAZY OVER YOU. Tell her you didnt want to repeat that experience and she passed your "test". And also chime in "because we both know its too early to say something as serious as that" jokingly. Then change the subject. This will work if you said you loved her within the past few days, otherwise it wont. Anyway, if you make this mistake again you are on your own...

You really think women can't see through this crap? This is some horrendous advice.

 

[terran2k]

I agree with runner83, she may say she doesn't like players, but she dated her exes and you because she thought you and them were players. Always pay attention to a woman's actions more than her words.
I also think, as mentioned before, that her exe's are on her mind, hence why she brought it up to you.
she is slowly starting to pick you apart.

 

[zekko]

Look, it wasn't the best move to drop the L-word, but it's only a big deal if you make it a big deal, such as you are doing now.

Yeah, it wasn't the best idea, but what's done is done. There's no taking it back now. It's not necessarily the kiss of death like they say on this forum - it's not a 100% guarantee of failure. At least she said she was in love with you also.

Just don't make a big deal out of it. Your insecurity over making this bungle is going to sink you faster than anything else will. Put it behind you, remember you're a man and act like one.

Remember you're the prize. I think you're overly threatened by these exes of hers. As long as she's not hanging out with them, forget them. Who cares?

You've only dated her three months. You don't know her that well. There's a fairly good chance she's not going to turn out to be the woman you want her to be. If she proves to be unfaithful, unworthy, or unsuitable to your needs, you can still cut her loose. Despite what you said, try not to get too attached to her. Make her prove herself.

 

[Lucifero]

You really think women can't see through this crap? This is some horrendous advice.

okay, now lets hear your advice, jackass.

 

[everywomanshero]

If you have to follow a set of rules, how are you the "alpha male" who "lives by his own rules"?

Basically, my philosophy is simple: Don't worry about the small stuff, because if you're truly happy with life then it will fall into place one way or another for you. Walking on egg shells is no way to live a life of happiness and it also makes one very unattractive lol

It;s natural to go overboard when you've not been with many women, just enjoy it while it lasts and have fun. It's not a contest and you don't need to do everything any certain way. Just go with the moment and enjoy it and make the most of each day.

 

[mikeyb]

okay, now lets hear your advice, jackass.

He goes back to what worked before. Backs off a little, gives more attention to other women, stops analyzing every word that comes out of her mouth. Builds attraction again. If he follows your advice it's like telling the chick "I'm afraid of you so I'm offering you my balls, please don't hurt me."

 

[Lucifero]

He goes back to what worked before. Backs off a little, gives more attention to other women, stops analyzing every word that comes out of her mouth. Builds attraction again. If he follows your advice it's like telling the chick "I'm afraid of you so I'm offering you my balls, please don't hurt me."