Throwing in the towel: a journal

[Black.Magic]

Age 0-11: Plenty of female friends, living in a good neighbourhood with friends along the whole street. Good friends from daycare still keep in contact. In 6th grade, my friends start getting "girlfriends" and the problems start:cheer:

Age 12: Taken from good public school, enrolled in better private school, far from home where I know one person. Single sex, nearest girl's school a 20 minute walk away. No contact with girls for next 6 years.:woo:

Age 13: Social isolation, hating the school, average marks, no life outside school. No contact with girls for next 5 years.

Age 14: Discovered my weird fetish for a certain object unrelated to sex. Same **** at school, hating it, start jerking off daily - not to pictures of girls though...:nervous:

 

[Black.Magic]

Age 15: Start to actually make one friend at new school. Still hating it, poor student, generally disliked by everyone. All my friends are at a public school in the next suburb, rarely get to see them.

Age 16: Joined a band with out-of-school friend. Female drummer. Have first contact with female in over 4 years. Band lasts 2 months, she quits then I quit. Asked out a girl for the first time: she says "I'll let you know". Spend the afternoon lying on the bathroom floor. In June my family and I move to a rich neighbourhood, into an original house from the '30s that is Approximately the size of a shoebox. No kids on our new street, neighbours give you the cold shoulder, parents have gigantic new mortgage.

Age 17: Still hating school, except now I spend every waking hour studying so I can get into university. Literally do nothing but study and attend school. halfway through the year I burn out and don't study at all, preferring to sit on the computer wasting time. I still get a good score and get into great university to do a prestigious degree

 

[Black.Magic]

Keep reading, it will cheer you up!

Age 18: Start smoking weed every day, 2-3 times a day. Attempt university, do no study, instead smoke weed outside class. Drop out after 8 weeks. Spend the rest of the year with shaky employment, generally having no more than $200 in my bank account at one time. Still next to no contact with girls, except for the ones whom I pester and then get rejected by.

Age 19: In January, I become fully psychotic, stop sleeping, start having delusions. Get sent to mental hospital for 10 days. Stay psychotic for the next 10 months, without actually realising there's anything wrong with me. Doctors put me on medication that makes me gain 30kg (70lbs) of pure fat. Medication makes me hallucinate, nobody can tell me what the fvck is going on because you're supposed to play along with psychotic people's delusions. Start working as a labourer 40 hours a week (basically picking up rubble and putting it in a dumpster, by hand, for 8 hours a day). Family friend employs me as personal favour to my mother, because obviously nobody else will employ a crazy person. Stop smoking weed from Feb - April, then my job pisses me off and I start up again, only this time I have really bad highs where I get anxiety attacks. This doesn't stop me, I just keep having endless bad trips. Around November I slowly start to get better, no thanks to any f*cking doctor or the headf*cking meds they put me on. Now I'm overweight, no qualifications, out of school two years with no savings in the bank. Oh and the psychosis could come back at any point.

Just form an orderly queue, please, ladies.

 

[Black.Magic]

Feeling amused yet?

Age 20:
I attempt university again. Lasts 10 weeks this time, then I start smoking every day by myself, having bad trips. I talk to maybe 3 girls this whole year. Why bother playing a game you have no chance at winning? Become psychotic again (this being the third time).
After having seen 11 tybillion shrinks and doctors, some bright spark puts two&two together and diagnoses me with Bipolar Disorder. It's actually a huge relief to know I'm not a schizophrenic/psychotic/crazy person. His excuse for the other doctors failing to notice and putting me on the wrong f*cking meds is, "oh, Bipolar is easy to confuse with other conditions". Thanks a mill, doc. I then start new, appropriate meds, lose most of the fat I put on, gain a little muscle, make friends with some Italian girl (yes, she LJBF'd me and I stuck around because it's better than nothing). Starting to feel normal, despite being unemployed, no qualifications, fired from multiple jobs due to "being slow" (thank you, anti-psychotic meds), :yawn: dopey, incompetent and perpetually late to work. Maybe $20 in my name at any one time. In August, I decide I won't go to university, I'll become a mechanic! Since I love cars, I can work my way up and be like that dude from West Coast Customs! :rock: Yahoo. Start as an apprentice at a heavy machinery place. Not exactly working on sports cars. Spend 8-10 hours a day getting sprayed with diesel, oil and smoke. Start hating my job. Hey, for the first time in two years I'm not smoking weed, at all!:rockon: Start looking for any excuse to get out of this job and just live in a cave for the rest of my life. But I stick with it and now 2012 rolls around...:box:

 

[Black.Magic]

Present day... awwww

Age 21:
Thank the lord christ I applied for university again. Got a place, the same degree and college as before, only this time I'm not a raving madman addicted to pot. A few weeks in, I slowly realise that 90% of the people at uni actually live on campus. And I don't. And these people teleport back to their dorms after class, never to be seen again, until next week. This goes beyond 'being insular/exclusive'. I feel like I'm 60 years old, surrounded by kids fresh out of school. :wave: Still, at least I have a job and can study. But something plagues me. Yes, it's that I am a 21-year-old virgin. The two occasions I have been with girls who were DTF, I got ED because of my fetish. I couldn't exactly get up, go to the bathroom and look fetish porn, get hard and come back out, could I? Besides, I'd lose my erection within seconds, as my wing wing would be like, "what the hell am I supposed to do here?"
So I reckon, fvck it, I've got to fvck someone, so I start internet dating. A genuine, witty profile gets me nowhere. So I make a fake one, pretending to be a dimwitted jock, and I get about 7 numbers within a week. I meet up with 5 of them, and 5/5 are more than a little overweight (hey, I might as well lower my standards, right?). I'm completely clueless on the dates, just being platonic, trying to be entertaining. Even if I had a clue on how to make a move, I can't because I'm simply not attracted to overweight people. They're all vapid and ditzy, so it's not as if their personalities compensate for it... Man I sound like a horrible person. Still, I get the platonic hug at the end of the 5 dates, and I try to set up a second date. 5/5 are all "busy". So I start losing my sh!t. How? What? Why? Are obese chicks suddenly in demand? You know, with an HB9 you can tell yourself "she's out of my league" and it eases the pain a bit. But when an UG1 skips the whole LJBF speech and gives you the blunt "I'm busy" speech, it hurts. When it happens four more times, you start to go a little crazy.:yes:

So there, I'm giving up. Throwing in the towel. Becoming a priest. At least that way, nobody will judge me (much) for always being single and asexual. The Game was meant for people who have some skills base to build on. Who have actually grabbed a tit before. Who have talked to a woman for more than 5 minutes before being blown out of set by the AMOG (who is an ugly little f*cker and you wonder what he's got that you don't). Yep, the Game is meant for normal people. Not people who have been seriously mentally ill for the last three years. Not for people who live in a large town where everybody knows who you are(n't). Not for the quiet people who have serious social anxiety. Not for the funny looking people. Not for the freakishly tall/short.:crackup:

If you're still reading this depressing malarky and getting ready to flame me, just know that I felt like disclosing my past to somebody, anybody, who would read it. Hell, if nobody is reading to this point and nobody wants to reply, I don't want your f*cking sympathy. Just know that there are some people out there who have serious emotional baggage and that it's not a fun game if you constantly fail.

Thank you and good night.:cheer:

 

[TRD_celica]

Chill up soldier! Life isnt always easy... I know its alot easier said than done, but try 2 work on sorting out ur own **** first b4 u start lookin into finding a potential date

 

[Single4Life]

There's girls out there that are also awkward, have no game, are dorky and nerdy, and would like you. Gave up too fast

1) Internet dating websites are garbage. DO NOT go there and use that as a symbol of how hopeless your love life is. Fact is, men chase women. So women naturally just sit back and get to choose. On the internet, this is magnified. Just throw that experience out of your brain.


2) Overweight and with a bad job? So the F what. Join a gym. I'm serious. Go find a gym in your area (look online if you have to) and sign up. You will quickly find out that exercise feels REALLY good (endorphins released into body because of exercise) and you will get back into shape. Being in shape is a huge part of the game...

3) Join a church or start volunteering or do SOMETHING to get out and hang out with people/women. Join a blood charity drive, or help animals, I don't know. Pick something you like and start going out there regularly to meetings and events. You -will- make friends and you will find a girl that likes you, Trust me.


as for the job issues. There are broke, no job dudes who have girls. There are dudes who are married to a nice chick and have kids yet have a crappy job. That means nothing.

as for the psychiatric issues....Keep seeing your therapist and work on it. Stop panicking.


Trust me when I say this, there are girls out there for EVERYONE. Just don't expect to be Mr Don Juan when you don't have all of your **** together. Lower your expectations, work on YOURSELF #1 (go hit the gym, I'm serious.. you will feel better emotionally and physically... once your body is in better shape, you will be amazed at how much better you feel about yourself and how women will change a bit with you)

 

[zekko]

Dude, if I read this right you're only 21 years old. And you've just come out of years of isolation and mental illness. You're just starting out. There are guys on here who didn't get their sh!t together until they were in their 30s.

You can't expect success to come right out of the box, you have to work for it. Nobody succeeds without failing first. When you fail, you learn. I remember failing and suffering miserably for it, but looking back, I learned more from those failures than from any of my successes. Read Backbreaker's "Embrace Failure" thread here:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=192656

 

[Bible_Belt]

The way you said that you studied all the time for a while, but later lost interest and quit, that's bipolar disorder. In the mania state, you're a workaholic, but after you flip over to the depressed side everything seems pointless. It's like you are two different people, depending upon the moment.

But delusions and hallucinations are schizophrenia, which is an additional condition. If you hear voices, or if you think everyone is plotting against you, that's schizophrenia. People who are prone to it typically self-medicate with pot, which works for a while. But then when they eventually go to a doctor, he will blame it all on the pot and give you pills that don't work and have bad side effects.

I'm guessing the quality of your weed sucks. If you lived in California, a local dispensary could let you try different types of quality stuff, with different THC/CBD profiles. One of them would probably work, you'd stick with that one, and then you'd be mentally well for the rest of your days...or until a SWAT team kicked in the door of the dispensary and arrested them for the crime of taking business from the pharma, insurance, and healthcare companies.

There's no real treatment for schizophrenia, or at least none that are not very disabling. I think you would be best served to view the schizophrenia as a result of environmental stress and all of your other anxieties. When you are otherwise happier, the schizophrenia will go away. And that's good news. Even though it's untreatable, it's caused by your depression and anxieties, and those are very treatable.

I see a lot of people's dissatisfaction in life relating to not having things that they think they need. Typically, it's money and women. Those are the common ones, because a lot of guys go through life without them. It's easy to say, "I'd be happy if I just had that." But if you listen to anyone who has achieved those goals, it's not like eternal happiness just drops out of the sky. The old problems just get replaced with new ones, and you're still the same person. Rich or not, laid or not, you're still exactly the same person, because your value cannot be set by that which is external to you. Most people never learn that lesson.

 

[the_great_gaia]

I read this 2 and 3 times, so I could further image myself in the OPs situation, and I believe going to that private school has affected him, and began this "domino effect".. I couldn't imagine going to a school without females. I think the OP needs to forget about the women for now, and work on his confidence. Without confidence, you're not gonna get anywhere in life. Women and even 'LIFE' itself can detect a person that lacks confidence. You'll become different altogether with confidence. I was a virgin all the way up until I was 19, then I found this website, and I followed it closely, like my grandmother does the Holy Bible, and I learned.

-I learned that I have to be confident
-I learned to never set myself up to regret anything, 'YOLO' you only live once
-I learned that REJECTION is a very important part of SUCCESS! Scared to approach women? Why? The worst she can do to you is say "no", slap the sh*t out of you, kick you in the n*ts, or laugh... and it doesn't kill you. Go to her just so you can get that REJECTION.. look forward to the REJECTION, play a GAME with REJECTION; it's so fun. Once you do this, you'll notice that you're so calm and natural with approaches to women, almost to the point where you could care less. I used to do this ALL THE TIME.. then they stopped rejecting me.
-I learned to NEVER place women on a pedestal or bow down to them and kiss their ass.. be the way most guys AREN'T.
-I learned to stand my own ground
-I learned that I can walk away from any woman
-I learned self-control
-I learned to rid myself of 'desperation' and 'needy' emotions; I have my heart in check..
-I learned that I have to truly be all about improving myself FOR myself, and not to because I want some girl to let me f*ck her.
-I learned to enjoy being alone, and knowing the difference between being "alone" and being "lonely". When you get married, and you can't get rid of that nagging wife who's always getting on your damn nerves, you'll KILL to be "alone", so you can go do whatever it is that you want to do..

I learned so much from field experience, and not online interactions. I started having girlfriends; i even fell in love once, and got my heart obliterated, which also made me feel like sh*t, but I learned from the experience.. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger..". I survived, became even more confident, stopped being the nice guy, did things on my own without feeling a need for female accomodation or approval, and I became HAPPY with my life.

When you finally experience the state of TRUE HAPPINESS, thats when your confidence explodes and magnifies by 1,000! I used to be like the OP, until I found confidence. Now I am 27 (28 in a week), no kids, females harass me all the ****ing time, and I'm still on a lifetime journey of self-improvement.. and the best time about it all, I love giving back to this place and to anyone that needs advice.

If I can do it, you can do it too!

 

[Black.Magic]

Getting back on the horse

Ok first off I'd like to apologize for the extremely depressing tone of my previous posts. Then Id like to thank all the respondents for reading it and being constructive. Thank you all

Now, some clearing up. I definitely don't have schizophrenia. I had what is called "manic psychosis", which is delusions resulting from temporary insomnia, anxiety and unmediated bipolar. I have been well for a good 18 months.

All that remains is a shattered ego and a fair amount of embarrassment and bad memories of what I went through. I see my doctor once a month and he is amazed by my progress. He says that people who have had psychosis more than once usually can't work ever again. I have held the same job for 10 months now, they love me at work and I love my job! I get to drive huge machinery and travel to interesting places to fix my employer's equipment

Now I'm ready to get back on the horse. Starting from zero. It's a good place to be at my young age! I'm thankful I'm still alive and well.

 

[Black.Magic]

Responses

I'd like to personally respond to all:

Single4Life: targeting nerdy quiet girls has actually never occurred to me so far. It's a pretty good idea, really. At college, since I do a fairly nerdy degree, I have seen some pretty awkward girls. Some of them are fairly pretty too I'll see how I go tomorrow at approaching one of them! And I agree about Internet dating: it's a cesspit for low value girls (at least in my experience, the ones who aren't dumb are just plain freaks). I'll save POF for when I turn 60 haha!
Funny you should mention, I have a gym membership that I haven't used for a month. I worked out today. I'm so fvking keen to change my ways. And today I joined the debating society, just for the Fcuk of it

Zekko: I intend on reading the embracing failure link in a few minutes. I intend on building on my past experiences. If bad experiences make us better people, then it's time I start learning from my follies.

Bible_belt: I'm definitely not schizo, nor was I ever. Doctors just thought I might have been because the possibility of bipolar never crossed their minds... They do work for the government though. My doctor, te one who fixed me, works in the Private sector as for bad weed in Australia, you're probably right. Unfortunately there are no medicinal marijuana outlets here. Anyway the weed in my own just made me go all introverted. When I'd smoke at parties, I'd just stop talking altogether, and disappear within myself. This is why I don't smoke anymore - for me it's a very antisocial drug. Different horses, different courses.

Gaia: gaining experience is what I do. It's learning from them that I need to work on.

Progress so far: today I chatted to the girl who sat next to me in class. Got her to laugh too! I'm a decent conversationalist, I reckon. It's just the lack of kino that lands me in the friend zone. That's my major hurdle.

More updates in a couple of days! Onwards and upwards.
Tomorrow I will approach two new women, simply saying, "hey you caught my eye so I had to come over and say hi"

 

[Black.Magic]

Good day at college today. Talked to HB8 at the book shop. Totally innocuous but still, we had a good chat about popular books.
Got my hair cut and styled today too.
It's my mission to talk to one new woman per day

 

[Single4Life]

Don't wait so long to ask a girl out on a date to someplace. If you have problems with escalating, then that's an easy way to make sure she knows you are interested in her romantically.

 

[Black.Magic]

Don't wait so long to ask a girl out on a date to someplace. If you have problems with escalating, then that's an easy way to make sure she knows you are interested in her romantically.

Good point sir! Oh yeah, and I figured out precisely what I've been doing wrong. It was lack of kino initiation. If you don't do it you WiLL get stuck in the LJBF zone. I need to communicate, non-verbally, my interest in a girl. Then pay attention to her response.

So I've just been reading all the material on kino that there is in the DJ bible. I'm going to try it out today

PS does anybody know how to delete posts? I'd like to get rid of the more embarrassing posts in this thread, but keep the rest and turn it into a journal?

 

[Black.Magic]

Ok so I was just at the gym, and every time I go I make a point of talking to the staff, in particular the two HBs who work the front desk. As I walk in this morning, one of them asks, "hey, did you get a haircut?" I said "No, I just put some pomade in it". She says, "Oooh, getting spruced up to go to the gym, hey?", then I said, "No, I'm going to the library afterwards to pick up chicks!"
HUGE laugh from both of them. What a good feeling! Oh and I wasn't entirely joking when I said that... haha.

Also a couple of months ago I read something called 'The Attractive Man' 'Ultimate Guide to Texting'. It has a section on revitalising old numbers. I gave two of the stock texts a try with two numbers I got last year, and it works like magic. Also, I send only one text each day, like people say to. The next one is going to be strictly about setting up a meeting. K.I.S.S. lol

I also read, just then, in the DJ archive, how to set up a journal. I've been inspired by Vice's journal, and I admire that he's kept it going for a while now. So I intend on being honest, not talking myself up, and following this journal through to the end (the end being when I'm a proficient DJ).

One more thing, at college yesterday I caught this girl looking at me three times. Pretty much every time I looked at her, she had been staring at me. So I talked to her, platonically. I would try to kino escalate and all that, but she REALLY annoys me, always hogging the limelight in class and asking annoying questions. I want to tell her to SHUT THE F*CK Up sometimes.... lol
But yeah, major ego boost to see that she was checking me out.