The paradox of women's wants and needs.

[jophil28]

Gentlemen, I hope that this thread explores this topic in detail and enlightens some of us who have been tormented by the idea that we can " please" women into being involved with us. I think that all good men want to act in ways that pleases the significant woman in our lives, BUT often times our campaign of doing 'nice' things for her results in her exploiting us,cheating on us or sticking us in the FZ.
Firstly, we are all aware that women are motivated by security, safety and the emotional protection that can flow from an LTR. "NIce" guys seek to supply these needs in abundance. Manytimes their attempts to do so are initially successful. THus the women 'FEELS' desired and pursued and therefor sexually attractive. Her sense of needing emotionally security are being met.
However,within weeks or a few months, a curious thing may happen.
She starts to pull away, be less affectionate, be unavailable or she turns into a flake or a bytche. Why? Have her primary needs suddenly changed ?

No !
There is another competing need which has gone unmet. That is the need for excitement, unpredictability, emotional turmoil, that gut churning anxiety of wondering about 'him'. Will he call ? Will be be faithful. Will he be always loyal.
Will he -won't he ? Does he want me, does love me. Is he seeing someone else ?? All these questions have been resolved by the attentions of the Nice Guy. There is little left for her to agonize about.

The need for DRAMATIC and anxiety fueled feeling and thinking is so strong in women, that they will risk perfectly good relationships for a few minutes of flirting with a "bad boy " stranger.

Women are IN LOVE with the FEELING of UNCERTAIN AFFECTION mixed in with the opposite feelings of a SECURE life. They want to FEEL emotions from polar opposite ends of the continuum. They want safety yet uncertainty . They seek stable men and seek to contol men into being a "reliable" partner BUT chase and fantasize about jerks who could care less about them
A Paradox ? Inconsistent and contradictory ? Inconguent behaviors ?Yes !

Men. Being in an LTR is often times confusing to our logical minds . WE usually are CLEAR about out wants and objectives ,and we project that same notion onto women. We expect them to be "thinking" people,and when drama breaks out we attempt to "discuss' it with them.
I have had MANY LTRs and I can say from experience that "talking" logically to women is pointless and a sheer waste of your valuable energy.
I do not know what the solution is. Maybe it is my mind which is deluded into thinking that there IS a solution. (I am a physical scientist)

Thoughts ?

 

[CF9]

I just don't understand how guys can become so "tormented" when it comes to women in general. I finally read through the DJ Bible the other night, mostly b/c I want to understand the terminology & basic tenets expressed on this forum. BUT, I admit there was also a lot to be reflected upon while I read it. One thing I can say is that worrying about women in general is a waste of time. I worry about me and my self-improvement, not how it reflects upon me when it comes to women.

I am physically attractive enough, and professionally successful enough to attract women. My attitude is (as expressed by people like Pook) that it is I who chooses, not the woman. Not since my teen years have I felt any angst about the opposite sex. Worry about improving yourself; stay true to who you are, and the women will follow.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Your premise is sound but I think it's just a tad off. Women's core insatiable need is a bit more intrinsic than security and safety but closer to emotional protection. They all want the constant feeling of acceptance and inclusion. Now, offering security and safety is one of the ways that men show women that they are accepted.

Think about everything that women do, the drama, the rollercoaster ride of emotions. Men call them attention wh0res but all they are looking for is to be accepted by whomever is around. Why do you think that they want to remain friends with ex boyfriends? Because at some level, losing the friendship takes away from their feeling that everyone accepts them.


When it comes down to it, LTRs are difficult for most men because the how they agree to abide by the outdated rules. Guys who go into relationships with open eyes and agreed upon, realistic objectives usually do pretty well. Someone said in another thread (backbreaker I believe) that too many AFCs are getting married; I believe this. They seldom think about what it really takes to sustain a relationship.

Any AFC can put food on the table and pay the mortgage. Hell, women have already proven that they can do that themselves among other things. So men, what exactly is your unique value that you plan on allowing a woman during a relationship?

And the feeling that women seem to be in love with that a man provides in a relationship is reaffirmed acceptance. They're checking with us about what they wear, how the look, what we do while we are together. It comes down to us making them feel accepted and just telling them isn't enough. This is why being a challenge seems to work so well. They need to know from us that we accept them and in being a challenge, we don't give them the things they seem to crave yet get easily from AFCs.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I just don't understand how guys can become so "tormented" when it comes to women in general. I finally read through the DJ Bible the other night, mostly b/c I want to understand the terminology & basic tenets expressed on this forum. BUT, I admit there was also a lot to be reflected upon while I read it. One thing I can say is that worrying about women in general is a waste of time. I worry about me and my self-improvement, not how it reflects upon me when it comes to women.

I am physically attractive enough, and professionally successful enough to attract women. My attitude is (as expressed by people like Pook) that it is I who chooses, not the woman. Not since my teen years have I felt any angst about the opposite sex. Worry about improving yourself; stay true to who you are, and the women will follow.

They'll get it once they can find purpose in their lives beyond just bedding women. It still may not be a given that women will come but at least their concern shouldn't be so pervasive.

 

[penkitten]

Why would you want to get someone back who deserted you for someone else?

amen brother max.

 

[KarmaSutra]

Thank you for this thread.
I just lost a LT GF to another guy. So I am reflective on your words. I would like to get her back.

The best revenge on a guy who "takes" your b!tch is to let him have her.

 

[Bonhomme]

LOL! Ahhh... Good one, Karma.