In life, there are actions. Then we have beliefs about those actions. Then those beliefs cause us to have a feelings toward the action. Action + Belief = Cause of emotions.
Most people believe that an action causes their feelings. I continuously hear people say the following:
She hurt me.
She doesn't make me happy.
In this mentality, action causes emotions. With this type of irrational thinking, the belief has been left out of the equation. An action cannot cause a feeling of emotion without a belief (personal interpretation) of the action.
Then we come to the "Pain Gap". This is where your belief about a situation is different from reality and a void has been introduced. The void is the "Pain Gap". This is what you perceive should be and ought to be, but it isn't what is happening in the situation.
There are ways to react the "Pain Gap". These are negative ways to cope, and they are reactive. There is fight or flight. You stand up and fight or tuck your tail and run.
Examples of reactive:
Arguing
Become verbally abusive.
Controlling
Pouting and using silent treatment
(These actions are caused by variations of "should have" thoughts, and no one has to do anything. These are selfish and reactive emotions.)
The best way to handle the "Pain Gap" is to be proactive. Have healthy thoughts before the "Pain Gap" is introduced. Take the situation for what it is and respond respectfully towards yourself and others. Don't fight it and don't run away from it. Accept it. Think positive and overcome the "Pain Gap". Be civil in all matters. By not having "should have" thoughts, the "Pain Gap" becomes less of a gap and less of a pain. Once you stop thinking the things should be or must be the way you want them to be, the "Pain Gap" closes.
Most people believe that an action causes their feelings. I continuously hear people say the following:
She hurt me.
She doesn't make me happy.
In this mentality, action causes emotions. With this type of irrational thinking, the belief has been left out of the equation. An action cannot cause a feeling of emotion without a belief (personal interpretation) of the action.
Then we come to the "Pain Gap". This is where your belief about a situation is different from reality and a void has been introduced. The void is the "Pain Gap". This is what you perceive should be and ought to be, but it isn't what is happening in the situation.
There are ways to react the "Pain Gap". These are negative ways to cope, and they are reactive. There is fight or flight. You stand up and fight or tuck your tail and run.
Examples of reactive:
Arguing
Become verbally abusive.
Controlling
Pouting and using silent treatment
(These actions are caused by variations of "should have" thoughts, and no one has to do anything. These are selfish and reactive emotions.)
The best way to handle the "Pain Gap" is to be proactive. Have healthy thoughts before the "Pain Gap" is introduced. Take the situation for what it is and respond respectfully towards yourself and others. Don't fight it and don't run away from it. Accept it. Think positive and overcome the "Pain Gap". Be civil in all matters. By not having "should have" thoughts, the "Pain Gap" becomes less of a gap and less of a pain. Once you stop thinking the things should be or must be the way you want them to be, the "Pain Gap" closes.
