The Onion Nails It

[samspade]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/but-if-we-started-dating-it-would-ruin-our-friends,11473/

From a girl to a guy (in column format):

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me ***** about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other ******* guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

Best friends. Friends forever.

 

[DMSR76]

This is hilarious!

 

[Colossus]

LOL, classic. And every word of it true.

 

[zekko]

Yeah, I've seen this before. Notice the date, it's a little old.
It is funny, but really, it's too over the top to take seriously.

Only the most naive guy would put himself in that position and stay there.

 

[samspade]

Oops, didn't realize it was a rerun. And let me tell you, I read the Onion religiously.

Only the most naive guy would put himself in that position and stay there.

I've seen a lot of guys in that position - but eventually they do get out of it. Usually by professing their love and ruining the friendship...heheh. But it's an all too common trap many AFCs remain in.

 

[MatureDJ]

I've never really been in a "friends" situation with a woman I wanted

so I'm not sure what it feels like. I was in somewhat of a friends situation with an ex (we had broken up because of mutual agreed upon preferences in core attitudes about life - i.e., she was very religious and I am agnostic at best) who had gained some weight (and therefore I was not interested.) She wanted to hang out - maybe she wanted back in, I don't know - and it was kind of nice, because she actually helped me go after other women when out. The bottom line is that I had no interest in her romantically at the time, and if I had nothing better planned and she wanted to go out, we would go somewhere (all dutch, although I drove), so it was a good situation for me.

 

[backbreaker]

lol that woman describes the girl that brought me here to the letter. it's almost scary.

i was in hell because like, every time a girl would show real interest in me she would kick up the flirting and then when i thought some **** was going to happen she would act all clueless like she did not know what she was doing.

i remember one night i had a date with this broad i met at a club, not bad looking at all a solid 7, and i metnioned it to her and she had told me that when i am done call her back becuase she wanted to talk about where our relationship was going. needless to say i got a boner like x15 so i cut the date short like a dumbass and i call her back all ready to get this thing going and of course she is like oh i just wanted to tell you how great of a friend i think you are and **** like that i was like you have to be kidding me. this went on for years

 

[Burroughs]

If men removed themselves as emotional tampons it would go a long way towards bending female attitudes towards humility.

Women are playing alpha against beta...they fvck the alpha and gossip with beta. of course we all know where we want to be

Men are simply too available.

WHite knighting has become a cultural norm. Preached in movies, tv, music, and books.

Men are somehow under the impression that being 'friends' with a girl is a way to her heart...its not. Unless your goal is to be seen as an asexual eunuch....thing is for 99% of men they are firmly enmeshed in this lie.

 

[scrouds]

This is because women are raising boys. Not men.