The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Jrbak7]

Life is a mirror gentlemen. Everything we see in others, is a direct reflection on ourselves. It's all making sense to me now, why she would have thought that I was a narcissist, etc. I suggest devoting a solid amount of time to understanding human psychology. I keep uncovering disorders, and each one shares some classification to my ex. Today I discovered HPD. I'm nearly positive that she is that, and not BPD or narcissist. Im probably a slight bit narcissist. But I think really the problem in our relationship stemmed from her codependency issues.

She had to have me around. Or it was a nightmare. Even when I tried to break up with her she would come by my place, force herself into contact with me, etc. now that she's moved on, I'm able to really reflect. I think I have a bit of white knight syndrome. I put my relationship ahead of me. And when she moved away, her HPD requires her to find an immediate rebound. Self validate guys, and keep reading! Be prepared for the next woman, because she will appreciate that.

 

[DrivingBackwards]

Guys,

You all need to start working on being more concise in your posts.

Equally if you just want to chat to one another use PM

There is far too much on here. Only intro posts should be this long.

This isn't a daily update thread- it's for advice and for posting when you are feeling weak.

I agree that some posters could be more concise with their writing. I don't, however, think it is right for you to admonish those who are posting on here frequently. This thread is, in my opinion, a place for personal growth and camaraderie.

How are we supposed to generate rapport with each other if we never post or offer words of encouragement to fellow guys going through NC? As men, at least in the States, are conditioned to never be vulnerable or talk about our feelings and this thread is a healthy outlet. I enjoy reading about JrBak's progress and I feel a bit more personally invested in his journey because he's been open to share what he has learned over the last few weeks. This gives me encouragement to keep going on my own journey of self improvement. And, wouldn't you know it, most of JrBak's posts are pretty informative and written in a way to help others.

So, I'm going to disagree with your statement that there is too much on here. You're not a moderator either, so what gives you the right to govern the content in this thread? Sorry if this is harsh but this isn't the first time you've tried to shut down dialogue on here.

 

[dustmuffin]

I think it is a thread to vent. Let them vent. I too am in no contact. I don't want her back. It has been about two weeks and yes it is hard. But, I think she did me a favor.

When I was trying to win her back she revealed to me that she has general anxiety disorder. She wants to get married. She will lure some poor sap into marriage and not disclose this. We were together a year and that was the first I had heard of it. She was very good at hiding her crazy until the end when it came out full force.

I know I made mistakes in the break-up, but I have learned a lot and won't make them twice.

 

[sabata]

1st day

Finally it's over. My struggle with this Oneitis started back in March, right after I had broken up with my GF of 7 years. From the beginning there were red flags all over - she was needy but not willing to sacrifice her own time for me, partied a lot, was already 30 years old and single for a long time, her previous LTR started with both of them cheating on their soon-to-be-exes... And many, many more.

But I was hooked. This girl was like a drug to me, and I fell HARD and FAST. Spent all my free time with her, didn't sleep enough, the usual. And of course the sex was great. But from the beginning, we argued. I was a sad little beta, always apologizing for my actions, explaining and showing my emotions, not being affirmative and so on. And most of all, I was NEEDY.

Now it's all over. I wish I could say that it was all me, but in the end it was her decision. We haven't been dating for about a month now, but we've been in contact almost daily. I've had some plates spinning for a while, but probably for the wrong reasons. I guess I've been looking for a validation from these girls since I didn't get it from this one.

The plan now is to go NC for at least 60 days, keep on working on myself, especially the mental side. I'm already fit, well dressed and groomed so it should be fairly easy to get some more plates spinning as soon as I feel like I'm ready for that. Few days ago I also wrote down my career and other goals down for the next two years and now I'll start accomplishing them with confidence.

I know I feel like **** at least for the two weeks, but it'll get better.

 

[Solvents]

Day 5 of NC.

My ex generally contacts me after 5-7 have passed throughout the past 2 1/2 months we've been broken up, but this time I'm not picking up.

So far things still feel the same as they always do after about a week has gone by. I'll be comforted the first couple of days knowing that I'm still in her thoughts due to her calling me, but after about 4-5 go by, I start to worry again that she has stopped caring.

This time the NC will stay possibly indefinite, and I hate not knowing if Ill cave to my instincts and pick up the phone this time or not.

Her voice changes from sincere one call to indifferent the next, and that's whats causing the constant push/pull feelings that I'm getting.

Today I'm going over to a friends for a while, then going to exercise for an hour or so, then maybe even go out be social in public. Even after the constant weekly calls and my relapses of emotions, I'm starting to feel further away from her as time goes on. My best regards to everyone, and I hope youre all doing your best to hang in there.

 

[Shootin4Dreams]

Day 5
I saw a therapist today and he made a great point and really helped me see the main core of problems with relationships and women and life.

When you think of yourself as negative, or think people perceive you as negative.... YOU WILL THINK NEGATIVELY AND YOU BECOME NEGATIVE and have LOW SELF ESTEEM.

Now there is nothing wrong with taking criticism to improve yourself and get to where you want to get.... But, you should not let people downgrade you or tell you are worthless because you know you are not unless you let people tell them. So, you people on this topic should let people vent their frustrations and emotions out so they can go out in the real world and live to their best abilities. #1 he told me and I am taking that to heart. STOP thinking negative thoughts about yourself and do not portray that on other people.

I know this is true. You cannot think negative or have negative thoughts or tell people that they are inferior and put people down. If you think you are inferior to people or anything else, then YES you will feel that. But, if you know you are the top dawg and the best ever and start thinking that, it will become you. You people should listen and just let others live their life to the fullest.

 

[Shootin4Dreams]

Here is my dilemma though, if you know you are going to be the best and you starting thinking it, how do you change other peoples perception of you if they think already you are not attractive? Example the last girl I dated she said what she said... Well I am not going to believe her and I am going to be my best, how in the world can she see that in me and feel that in her lions so she doesn't have this perception of me as a weak dependent male?

 

[DrivingBackwards]

Here is my dilemma though, if you know you are going to be the best and you starting thinking it, how do you change other peoples perception of you if they think already you are not attractive? Example the last girl I dated she said what she said... Well I am not going to believe her and I am going to be my best, how in the world can she see that in me and feel that in her lions so she doesn't have this perception of me as a weak dependent male?

First, kudos to you for seeing a therapist. I think that shows you are really serious about becoming a better man. I agree that we can choose to react to our situations either negatively or positively. Some seem to be able to do this better than others but it's still a good realization.

I'm not sure if you should be focusing on changing in order to appear more attractive to your ex. You should be doing this for you. Forget your ex for now.

 

[DrivingBackwards]

Day ??

Honestly, I'm not even sure what day I am on. A day behind JrBak, but what day is he on?

I don't really give a **** about my ex being in my life anymore, so I don't really feel the need to contact her anymore. I'm sticking around till day 60 to try to give back a bit to others here doing NC.

Posting here definitely helped me at the beginning.

 

[Shootin4Dreams]

I was thinking about giving her a proposition at 30 days. Say i can help you to get that guy you want. But, have her give me sex when i want it will that work?

 

[DrivingBackwards]

I was thinking about giving her a proposition at 30 days. Say i can help you to get that guy you want. But, have her give me sex when i want it will that work?

Okay, dude, this is so damn pathetic and a terrible plan. You're obviously not taking in any advice given on here nor are you willing to work on bettering yourself for the right reasons.

Keep seeing your therapist.

 

[Shootin4Dreams]

I just would of liked to use her for sex, but yeah i don't know why I keep going back and forth in my head trying to move on. I am going back next week

 

[dustmuffin]

I was thinking about giving her a proposition at 30 days. Say i can help you to get that guy you want. But, have her give me sex when i want it will that work?

Just move on. I am in the same boat as you. Find someone else to have sex with or just better yourself. I am working to better myself. I had three dates after my break-up. One ONS.....and two flakes. That is it for me. I am going to concentrate on me.

 

[bfalcao]

Day 1 until 2nd November (more or less lol).

We broke up yesterday and this morning she still gave me hell saying "you don't want to be friends? I will suffer so much with that" ...

... hell with her

Cheers guys!

 

[aim22]

day 16

A little backstory
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=228122

An unavoidable meeting that broke NC
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=228272

What actually happened during that meeting? surprise surprise, I screwed up... I have a couple of very close female friends who know the whole story and their advice was that I should try to find out what happened for the sake of my sanity, I decided to listen to them since I thought: I'm not interested in ever being with her again, who cares if she thinks if I'm being "needy" or insecure. I just wanted to know! So I pressed, I told her that "I'm not in a position to have a relationship" is just vague and not a real reason. She did not change her story, I pressed 1 or 2 more times, eventually got frustated and said, let's drop it.

I ended up worse than I was, I still don't know what motivated her actions, and on top of that, I just felt that she was hurting me for no reason... I still can't comprehend why would someone do this, why do they think hiding and being such cowards is ok?

It gets worse. I had bought her a present for her birthday, it was driving me insane looking at it or even knowing it was in my apartment (I had given her back all the things she left there and thrown away a couple of presents she had given me) I didn't want to throw it away either, it meant something to me at some point, in a way it still does... So I decided to send it to her by mail with a note where I told her that everything I did until that point was so I could move on. A couple days later, when she got it, she sent a text: "I like it a lot, thank you very much, take care..." Exactly what I was expecting, so that's good. I didn't answer (tough guy huh).

For what it's worth, in all of the mistakes I've made handling this, not once did I make it seem like I was interested in her or a future together. I just wanted an explanation, some peace of mind...

NC day 16 now, I won't let myself speak to her ever again. We don't have friends in common, the only way I would see her is bumping into her randomly in the street, a bar, etc. But then I'll just smile from afar, turn around and walk away.

Like everyone, I am here for support and perhaps a well needed scolding from you bros.

Regards,

 

[Lozboss]

Day 1 until 2nd November (more or less lol).

We broke up yesterday and this morning she still gave me hell saying "you don't want to be friends? I will suffer so much with that" ...

... hell with her

Cheers guys!

Good man. Let her suffer.

 

[dustmuffin]

Here is my dilemma though, if you know you are going to be the best and you starting thinking it, how do you change other peoples perception of you if they think already you are not attractive? Example the last girl I dated she said what she said... Well I am not going to believe her and I am going to be my best, how in the world can she see that in me and feel that in her lions so she doesn't have this perception of me as a weak dependent male?

Forget about her. Her opinion doesn't count. Just work on yourself and find women that can see you have changed. Just next her and move on.

 

[Jrbak7]

Driving. I hoped your remembered the day so that I could add 1. Lol. I can do the math later. The point is this, focus on your win physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental health. If you get that in check, you'll attract the best females on this planet. Guaranteed.

As for my delayed responses, in here to support you now. Feel free to ask me my opinion directly if you want. I'm not out of the water, but I know I won't drown. When I was in the first couple weeks I wondered. I had my doubts if I would survive the pain. So if you need to hear from someone that's been there, then please reach out to me.

Aim22... Your post is incredibly relatable for me. I think my ex reached out right around that day mark. And honestly, I felt the same way you are. You'll realize this soon enough, but everyone on this planet is self serving. Some people take it to the extreme and let their needs negatively affect others. For those that don't know, my ex kept me around so that I would move her long distance and dropped me 2.5 weeks later when she met someone new. People are evil. ... But. We had problems before that. And I accept my share of the blame. I was insecure. I realize now that I have to be true to myself. And aim, you're doing good buddy. Keep up the solid work. In 3 weeks, if you keep studying and growing you'll know exactly what I mean about people being selfish.

Loz and bfalcao. Don't be bitter. Realize that you're just as to blame as they are. Don't beat yourself up or anything. But know that some piece of the end, was because of some insecurity you haven't faced yet. Obviously, loz, you've been far ahead of the bunch. But based on your more recent posts, you seem angry. You are definitely a brilliant dude, and I would hate to see you go through life being guarded or bitter because one woman didn't work out.

Shootin, that's tough **** bro. I don't think you really want to proposition this girl. She has you in a dark place. Go find something else if you're that hard up for some poon. I have been with 2 since my ex dropped the news, and both were better than her as far as skill. One is better than her at everything, except is too young for me to take seriously quite yet. She is a very mature girl for her age, but she's just getting out of college.

The first week guys, stay strong. Read the last 10 pages of this thread bc those are the guys that will help you out. When I was there lozboss (and a few others) were my supporter. Get used to our story, watch us grow in the past, and it'll provide direction and hope for your future.

Stay positive. Study yourself. Grow! You will eventually be happy that she left! I promise that if you are strong enough to put in the effort, you will be so happy oath the result!

 

[beatjunkie]

Update:

Moved back to get a visa to go to Japan and Thailand. We work together so we see each other. First time (before yesterday) she saw me, was surprised, kept convo to basics. She stopped by my office later to say hi again but thankfully another co-worker was there so convo ended quick. Second time (yesterday) she calls office phone and I go and say hi. Didn't talk about relationship kept it simple. Third time (today) I see her in the morning and say "Goodmorning" she replies back almost snarling "yea good morning).

Weekends here are Friday and Saturday so Today (thursday) is my friday. What I plan to do this weekend? Read, read, movies, gym and sleep.

 

[DrivingBackwards]

Hey, everyone. Posting here to share an experience of mine that I think illustrates that we can choose how we react to the outside world. Your reaction can either be negative or positive and which one is almost entirely up to you.

I was driving to the grocery store last night when I felt my phone vibrate. I checked my phone when I was in the parking lot and saw that it was from a plate of mine. I texted her earlier in the night about something random but then I promptly forgot about the text until she responded.

I felt absolutely no anxiety that she didn't respond right away. I didn't check my phone constantly thinking that maybe she responded but I missed my phone vibrating. I didn't go back and reread my text to over analyze if I worded it correctly. I simply did not care.

I was more or less dependent on my ex when I was dating on her. In the same situation, if you replace my plate with my ex, I would have totally freaked out. I would have done all those things that I didn't do above. My mood was more or less dependent on the quality of our interactions.

What are the differences between the two scenarios? Not much. This is the important point to realize. There is nothing special about the interactions with my ex that should make me freak out.

Obviously, this is more difficult when there is dependency involved. I think that this why there is so much advice given to guys on here about developing yourself and your hobbies. This way when a situation doesn't quite go right you're able to let it roll off easier.

I'm going to keep focusing on developing me as the best man possible. Then when a chick ignores me I can think to myself with complete honest that she is the one who is missing out.