The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Backwardsman]

Hey all,

Just a little story which happened recently, regarding NC.....

went out with a girl for a year, she still lived with her ex, after countless times of me asking her to sort it, kept distant during the relationship because of this, didnt give her 100%.

Finished her in feb, went NC - She text me 4 weeks ago, asking how i was etc, called me up a few times, and eventually i met up with her 4 times over the 4 weeks.

Banged her twice, then finished it again last night, although she had moved out and went to live back at her dads, things were the same, didnt get the vibe, what im saying is, if you have broke up with your ex, it wont be the same again, best to move forward and not backward... I only went back as i was completely over her and just wanted a bang pretty much....

Below is a copy of what i posted back in january, hopefully it will help a few of the new people here

A few pointers i have learned over the years -

Your relationship ended because it was meant to, If it wasn't, you would still be together.

A breakup should be viewed positively, learn from it, better yourself for the next one. Think of it as a lesson for yourself.

Most, if not all relationships these days are some form of emotional attachment to someone, like a drug, when the drug (girlfriend) is available you are happy etc, when the drug is removed (dumped etc) you want it more and are unhappy - Is this love? i dont think so......

further to my point above, NC is like going into rehab, getting clean from the emotional attachment you had with this person, and is the best way to heal and make you stronger - Be the man and walk away!

Better yourself, become active, go out with friends, staying in waiting by your phone for a text/call is wasting your life, put your self first, not an ex.

Always look forward, never backwards, you will have plenty more relationships in your life time, trust me.

A quick story before i go.

My first proper girlfriend, went out for over a year, did loads together etc thought she was the one (naive). She ended it, and i was all over the place, texting, showing up at her house, when she went out to clubs i would be there - What do you think this looks like ? loser right.... i cringe looking back at my actions, but in a way gave me lessons on how not to behave after a breakup....

Fast forward to now, my last ex i actually finished 4 weeks ago, going out a year, but she still lived with her ex and no matter how much i asked her to sort it, nothing got done, so i simply ended it, deleted her out of my life and walked away, best thing i have ever done and i feel empowered doing it - She texts from time to time, but i simply ignore, delete and get on with my life.

In a nutshell, Your relationship ended, not your life....... Hope you all get on ok, any questions please ask

 

[xavier1]

****, i just checked her photos on facebook :kick: :kick:

 

[Cerwin Vega]

Day 68

Another weird dream.

Dreamed about her coming to my house, we're having fun and trying to have sex but we can't lock the ****ing door, felt like **** waking up to the reality.

Also, that same friend from before (who I stopped contact with because he kept mentioning her) told me that my that ex has re-initiated contact with her ex (she cheated on him with me), even though she has a boyfriend.
Wow, b!thces are SO predictable and pathetic.
*I'm sensing that I'm starting to care again* ~ Alright fellas, I'm off to work out.

 

[finickywake]

Day whatever NC:

Went to a free yoga class yesterday. Still hitting the gym. Got 3 numbers in the last 3 days. Generally things are going well. Making music, getting out there again. Neato

 

[Cerwin Vega]

As some of you know, we have rocket barrages here in Israel.

Whenever a siren rises, I start thinking of how my ex used to call me and make sure I'm safe during a rocket barrage...

I'm about to break fellas. I really want to call her and ask her if she's OK.
It's really counter intuitive to ignore her during these harsh times...I just want to show her I care about her, but I guess it would be pathetic since she already has a new boyfriend...but she really tried to contact me for a whole week post breakup so maybe she just gave up the chase?

I think I'm just waiting for her to contact me first, but as I said, she most likely felt I'm not worth the chase.

I can't have a relationship with her.
- She emotionally (maybe even more than just emotionally) cheated on me, but it was my own god damn fault.
- She has a few BPD traits.
- I didn't enjoy our relationship 70% of the time. I only felt good when she was in a good mood.
- There's a 99% chance she slept with him (and others). I just cannot accept her after this. Pathetic insecurities? maybe, at least I'm honest.
- I'm not her fvcking doormat.

But...I miss:
- The phone calls. She used to call me throughout the day and ask me how I'm doing, sometimes it was a big nagging but I really miss it now.
- The sex.
- The "pillow talk". Anyone who's been in an LTR knows what I'm talking about. You can call me gay but I have no problem hugging after sex, having her head rest on my shoulder - best feeling in the world.

I'm not planning on jumping into a relationship anytime soon. It would just be a rebound and I'll end up hurting myself and the other party.
Having meaningless sex is okay but after you ejaculate you're back to square 1.

Any opinions guys?

 

[Shaka]

Listen,

I think you're feeling that way because you're alone and you're more prone to that sort of feelings. Fortunately, you won't break NC it seems.

I also think the "don't want to date" thing is an excuse.
Who care if it's a rebound or not. You won't be back to square 1. You will probably enjoy the company, even if your ex is popping back in your head.
You might get laid or not, get rejected or not etc..

But the important thing is, to keep living your life. And you know what ? this is when you'll realize that you didn't think about your ex as much.
Sure, she will still appear in your head, even when you're with another girl. But it will be less and less.

Right now, it seems to me that you stopped living and that is keeping you back. So get out there, talk to girls and friends, be outcome independant, embrace rejection with a smile if you have to.

Don't dwell and think about it too much

 

[Cerwin Vega]

Shaka,

Thank you for the reinforcement brother. Luckily, I now have 90% of my days free, I'm spending them resting at home (skin condition), working out, watching my favorite shows, going out to bars, talking to girls here and there, getting a phone # (which I delete afterwards because there was no real connection made, I only wanted to push myself a bit out of my comfort zone).

I am now in my the best shape yet: a 6 pack is starting to pop out, lots of muscle definition, face is getting slimmer - I'm slowly gaining weight but losing body fat so I guess I'm packing up on the muscles This makes me very happy.
I began reading the MM book from 2005, although I know a lot about the material, there's so much more than I don't know yet, and I need a step by step system for interactions so there.

Started to take things less seriously. I noticed people trying to push me over the edge and test me during interactions (people I know); Instead of getting angry or reacting - I'm staying non-reactive. It's so fun and funny!

 

[Shaka]

Good !

In time you'll be healed.
To tell you the truth, I must be at something like 70 days NC ? And I think about her everyday... It's not painful as it was. But she is still lingering in my head. Sometimes, it's a nostalgic thought, and sometime an angry thought. And sometime I think I'm entirely over her.
The things is, when I look back, I realize where I started from and I can clearly see the progress made. I think that it helps a lot for people like you and me. It keeps us strong and positive.

But I have reach a point, not so long ago, where I think I'm good and will be happy. Even if I think about my ex AT LEAST ONCE A DAY (6-7 years together, so it's no small wounds). So I think I'm ok beside the fact that I still think about her. It's probably a good and a natural reaction. It just means we cared. And I'm looking for the day when I can forgive her in my head and be completely at peace. I know that time will come.

For the time being, Let us keep busy, like you are. Invest in yourself, meet some new girls. It helps us keep the ex out of our mind until reaching a point when we are completely healed.
I check this board and this topic everyday. It was a immense help. Let's keep a it !

Best of luck brother

 

[Dtsm3]

Good !

In time you'll be healed.
To tell you the truth, I must be at something like 70 days NC ? And I think about her everyday... It's not painful as it was. But she is still lingering in my head. Sometimes, it's a nostalgic thought, and sometime an angry thought. And sometime I think I'm entirely over her.
The things is, when I look back, I realize where I started from and I can clearly see the progress made. I think that it helps a lot for people like you and me. It keeps us strong and positive.

But I have reach a point, not so long ago, where I think I'm good and will be happy. Even if I think about my ex AT LEAST ONCE A DAY (6-7 years together, so it's no small wounds). So I think I'm ok beside the fact that I still think about her. It's probably a good and a natural reaction. It just means we cared. And I'm looking for the day when I can forgive her in my head and be completely at peace. I know that time will come.

For the time being, Let us keep busy, like you are. Invest in yourself, meet some new girls. It helps us keep the ex out of our mind until reaching a point when we are completely healed.
I check this board and this topic everyday. It was a immense help. Let's keep a it !

Best of luck brother

Day 47

Id like to expand, and add to some of your comments if I may?

I think how you get over someone is different for each person. Its about how that person impacted you, how it ended, how you felt about them. There is no defined time to get over a person.

I was with someone for 13 years! and very very rarely think about that person, not even after the split. Why? Because in my head, I was over that person before it ended. Because I was sooo unhappy for so long, that when it eneded it was a Relief not a pain. I still think about her and our life together, but I feel very little.

Yet a person that I knew for only 2 months, is in my head every day! Why?? Because that person taught me more in two months about the person I want to be and the life that I want to lead then the person I was with for 13 years. She taught me about who I am! and despite our time being short I will always think fondly of her.

So for me its about how my life has been impacted. We are all different, and each situation is different. There is nothing wrong with how we deal with loss, but we will all get there in the end.

 

[Rave18]

Met two nice girls [a bit less than HB7] and was thinking about moving ahead with them, but then I remembered Pook plus my mistakes and realised that I haven't really applied any of the things I've learnt. Am not really "free as a bird"

So I messaged them, that I'm not looking for anything right now and deleted their numbers.

Will try to stick to my decision [even though my d1ck is strongly disagreeing] and work on myself first

 

[mrpatriot]

Day 1 -- my ex dumped me after a 4 year relationship last saturday after we had an argument about her lying to me. A few days went by with NC but I cave in and talked to her but she said she needed space and time to find herself and her future and felt a lot of pressure about nursing school. Upset initially I tried to get back with her by giving her gifts stupidly, but need to move on. Time to accept the NC challenge. Hopefully she comes back passionately, if not I've started P90x and am ready to get fit!

 

[Shaka]

Day 47

Id like to expand, and add to some of your comments if I may?

I think how you get over someone is different for each person. Its about how that person impacted you, how it ended, how you felt about them. There is no defined time to get over a person.

I was with someone for 13 years! and very very rarely think about that person, not even after the split. Why? Because in my head, I was over that person before it ended. Because I was sooo unhappy for so long, that when it eneded it was a Relief not a pain. I still think about her and our life together, but I feel very little.

Yet a person that I knew for only 2 months, is in my head every day! Why?? Because that person taught me more in two months about the person I want to be and the life that I want to lead then the person I was with for 13 years. She taught me about who I am! and despite our time being short I will always think fondly of her.

So for me its about how my life has been impacted. We are all different, and each situation is different. There is nothing wrong with how we deal with loss, but we will all get there in the end.

I totally agree with you.
But I will add something (and I think it's therapeutic) : Everyone has a different story. But I think in the end, we all feel a similar pain. Is it a 2 years wound ? a 7 years or 13 years one ? Did we protect our spirit and heart the same way ? What did we invest in there ?
Depending of the answers, we might see a difference, maybe establish some kind of "pain ladder ".
But you know what ? I like to say that my 7 years old wound is the same as the next guy "1 week relationship" break up. I believe, the thing that helped me a lot is to realize everyone here were kinda on the same boat, given the different circumstances.
And seeing people getting better, starting from the first page of this thread, gave me comfort and support. I'm not completely there yet, but I'm good now and I want the other people here to feel at ease too. It gets better, I promise

So yeah we all have different stories, but there is only one path


@CerwinVegaFan
Your private msg inbox is full bro !

 

[Dtsm3]

I totally agree with you.
But I will add something (and I think it's therapeutic) : Everyone has a different story. But I think in the end, we all feel a similar pain. Is it a 2 years wound ? a 7 years or 13 years one ? Did we protect our spirit and heart the same way ? What did we invest in there ?
Depending of the answers, we might see a difference, maybe establish some kind of "pain ladder ".
But you know what ? I like to say that my 7 years old wound is the same as the next guy "1 week relationship" break up. I believe, the thing that helped me a lot is to realize everyone here were kinda on the same boat, given the different circumstances.
And seeing people getting better, starting from the first page of this thread, gave me comfort and support. I'm not completely there yet, but I'm good now and I want the other people here to feel at ease too. It gets better, I promise

So yeah we all have different stories, but there is only one path


@CerwinVegaFan
Your private msg inbox is full bro !

Definately my good Friend! You are speaking words wise beyond your years!

There is no doubt that time is a good healer, and as time goes by we usually remember the good bits the most. Smile when we remember! But we smile more when we remember what we have achieved since!

 

[goldengoose]

Day 67

Having some weird dreams lately. Going to hit the bars tonight, still not ready to date though, I'm only sharpening my skills.

I'm starting to remove harmful people from my life. this includes those who constantly update me about my ex. It hurts to know about her, but it hurts even more that they continue doing so even after I told them to never mention her again.
Remove those people who call me only when they're bored/need something. I hate them deeply anyway.
Remove those people who whine and are total losers in life, every time I'm having and interaction with them I feel like I'm becoming a sludge.
Remove negative people, those who dump all their troubles on me - I'm yet to think of somebody, but I bet there is someone like this in my life.

Removing them = No contact. I shouldn't be resentful, as if I meet them in person I'll just smile, shake their hand and continue walking. No point on being angry with those people.

I like what you're doing to remove the harmful people out of your life. No need for deadbeats or people who give you trouble to ruin your progress. 67 days and you're still counting? Forget about that sh1t, start living your life and not counting the days. If you count days you're going to think of your ex all the damn time. That goes for the rest of you guys too.

 

[MattTheW]

I was with someone for 13 years! and very very rarely think about that person, not even after the split. Why? Because in my head, I was over that person before it ended. Because I was sooo unhappy for so long, that when it eneded it was a Relief not a pain. I still think about her and our life together, but I feel very little.

Yet a person that I knew for only 2 months, is in my head every day! Why?? Because that person taught me more in two months about the person I want to be and the life that I want to lead then the person I was with for 13 years. She taught me about who I am! and despite our time being short I will always think fondly of her.

I'm in exactly the same situation. Came out of a 7 year relationship. At best I think of her as a friend. Hardly any contact and not even a thought of going back there......

Met a girl a few months back, and I cant get her out of my head - for exactly the same reasons as you.........

Just don't know if I want to go NC yet lol

 

[Dtsm3]

I'm in exactly the same situation. Came out of a 7 year relationship. At best I think of her as a friend. Hardly any contact and not even a thought of going back there......

Met a girl a few months back, and I cant get her out of my head - for exactly the same reasons as you.........

Just don't know if I want to go NC yet lol

I think for me I wanted to leave the 13 year relationship, So I got what I wanted, there was nothing left there.

The girl I was seeing for a few months, I didnt want it to end, but I forced it to end as I could tell she didnt feel the same way as me. Thats life, and I dont blame her for that, and dont feel anger towards her. But I wasnt ready to be friends, So we had to part ways. I do know we will run into each other again one day, but it will be a long time in the future. And not my doing. So Why did I go NC? Id hate to think we never speak again, If I had hounded her we would never be able to speak again, by not talking I have been able to get on with my life, I'm dating and having loads of fun. One day when I feel nothing towards my ex and we run into each other, we will be able to talk.

I hope that helps.

 

[mrpatriot]

Day 2

Today is still as rough as yesterday. Working out definitely helps my mood temporarily. Gonna play softball on Wednesday and hopefully it helps clear my head.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

Working out is awesome indeed!

@goldengoose - Thank you for your advice.

 

[mrpatriot]

Day 3

Can't find the energy to do much of anything. Hopefully the softball game later will give me some life.

 

[finickywake]

Day 3

Not a big believer in No Contact myself, but more a journal of healing. Having said that, it is in fact Day 3 of NC. I initiated it and then balked, so she finished the job for me haha. Lump in throat is still there so I need to be more realistic that this will take a while.

Anyway,

Day 1 was a total panic, no other word for it. The breakup occures out of nowhere and could have been delayee to a more opportune time had I kept my cool, but I didnt. I was in the middle of an insane work schedule. I reconnected with an ex so there might be a lay in the immediate future, already got teh pix haha.

Day 2 i got a few lumps in my throat during the day but felt a lot better. The bigger issue is trying to get clarity about what happened. Ultimately, we should have been done a long time ago but I probably cause the breakup this time via weak willpower due to high stress in life. I am forced to read lots of sosuave, go to the gym every day immediately after work until Im tired and can sleep, and make sure to eat alot of food and drink coffee so that my mind stays focused and off of her. I need to fix so many things in my life before I can date again though, beginning with cleaning my car bare minimum. Right now I am undatable. I actually planned to be single for the past year because I had to pass the bar exam and focus on my career but my ex made things so easy.

Hang in there bro