The Sperminator
Senior Don Juan
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2007
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I posted this on the archive too but I thought it was funny enough to have its own thread. Ok I wasn't going to tell this story but I am to make everyone on this whole thread feel better about themselves. It's kind of long but trust me it's worth a read. This might sound too bad to be true but it is. Trust me it is. I have improved by a million times since then but it's still funny to look back on it and laugh. This is the most afc move ever. Yes you heard me. After reading this you will also agree. I will make everyone on this page look like the biggest djs ever.
Ok so here is the story. There was this girl about a 9 that I really liked in high school. I liked her a lot actually. I became friends with her. I bought her stuff, helped her with school work, complemented her all the time, did little things for her, but I never told her how I felt. Yeah I was the biggest afc. She always told me I was funny and sweet and so on. I thought she might like me but I was being used but didn’t know it because I was too stupid to realize it. I actually thought I had a shot. Just like the movies.
One day after school she tells me that she might be pregnant and no not from me because we were just friends. From some other guy. Hold your laughter it gets better. Anyways she tells me she isn’t sure and needs a birth test and she asks me to steal her one from the store. So I'm like sure I'll get you one. I wanted to look cool so I was like yeah no problem I'll steal you one. Thinking to myself that she would like me more if I did this favor for her.
So anyways I go inside the store and find the birth test. Cheapest one was like 15 bucks, what a ****ing rip off. I looked in my wallet and I only had like 8 bucks. I would have actually bought it but didn't have enough money. So I'm all sweating bullets and I'm nervous as hell because I have never stole anything before. I’m not sure if I should or shouldn’t. For some reason I feel like someone is watching me. So I grab the box and move down to another aisle. I look around and nobody is there. Then I see a guy looking at me. Like literally staring. I thought he was a gay or something and didn't think about it anymore. Then he leaves and then I see a ****ing mirror. He put his arm out and put a mirror in the middle of the row. For some odd reason I didn't think anything of this. Hahahaha I'm a ****ing idiot. I wasn't thinking right because of how nervous I was. Then I preceed on what I was going to do.
So anyways I open it and put it in my pocket. I go and buy some junk food to make it look like I'm buying something. I go and buy my stuff and right when I'm about to walk out of the store the same guy who was staring at me earlier walks in front of me and pulls out his badge and says, “police please step back”. I'm thinking to myself I am ****ed. I don't know what to do and for some reason I decide that I'm going to try and run. Bad idea. SoI try and sprint but he grabs me. I fight with him for about 10 seconds while he tells an employee to call the cops. I get out of his grip and sprint out the door. I'm a pretty fast guy but I was wearing those ****ing loose ass skater shoes. So what do you know I fall and eat it. I get up from the floor and then BAM I get tackled hard from behind. I get up again but he is holding me. He pulls me up and slams me against a nearby car. The girl who I stole the test for is screaming. She yells, “Let him go let him go”. But obviously the cop didn’t, I have no idea why, I would have let me go…. So I'm pinned up against the car and he is yelling, "You are going to jail buddy you are going to jail". I was like **** you and I threw him off of me and onto the ground. I was a wrestler so I knew a lot of moves. So I throw him down and run as fast as I can possibly run. I am dead tired. I hear sirens everywhere. I'm thinking to myself I am going to jail I am going to jail I’m scared ****less. I live down the street though. So I kept on telling myself that I was almost there. I was out of breath and I seriously wanted to rest but I couldn't because I could hear cop cars everywhere. I climb over a fence into a ditch. Where it had some nasty ass green slime in it and I had to run through it and it got all in my shoe. So now not only am I dead tired I have to run with nasty ass green slime inside my shoe. I climb over the fence again and run as fast as I can to my street. I was so dead tired. I literally was going to pass out but I didn’t stop. I could hear multipule sirens. At least 3 or 4 cop cars. Right when I get on my street a cop car passes on the street behind me but didn’t see me. I made it by like 5 seconds. I run into my backyard and just sit down breathing hard. This was the most tired I have ever been besides that one time when I had that porn marathon. All of a sudden I see a cop car driving down the street by my house really slowly. I could see it by looking in the cracks of my fence door. You can tell he was scanning the street. He passes by my house and then I hear a ****ing helicopter. Yes you heard me a ****ing helicopter. Are you serious??? At first I didn’t think it was for me but then I see it circling so then I’m like oh **** it is for me and run into my house. I was thinking to myself what the ****. I just stole a ****ing birth test is this really necessary? I get inside my house and my dad is sitting on the couch. I say hi like normal and walk into the restroom to clean this huge scrape on my leg. I get out and he’s like you did something didn’t you. I was like what. He knew though. I denied it for like 10 mins straight but then finally I told the truth and he wasn’t that mad for some reason. Funny thing too is he is a cop. Haha well anyways he lets me decide if I want to turn myself in. I said I don’t know yet.
Well for that whole night I didn’t sleep one bit. My dad comes in early morning and is like you are turning yourself in. He tells me that he looked me up on his computer at work and finds out I’m facing arm robbery charges which is a felony. I was like wtf. I mean yeah my arms are like guns but geez that’s going a little too far isn’t it lol. No but really it was considered arm robbery because I assaulted an officer. He tells me that they won’t stop looking for me and that I face serious charges. He tells me if I turn myself in I could get off with a lesser charge. So I turn myself in at the station. I get interrogated and ****. I go to jail until my court date. I had to stay in jail because bail was 50,000 dollars. I had to be there for 5 days. Worst 5 days of my life. Food taste like ****. . I seriously think they purposely try to make it take like crap. But I was lucky it was just district jail and not county. My lips are way too big for county jail. I would be passed around like a basketball in there. I was scared that I would become someone’s wife. Well I do pay for taxes for jail might as well use it every now and then I guess….So anyways I go to court and I’m scared to death because I’m facing up to 6 years. Because I assaulted a cop. But my dad told me that the most I would get would be 1 year. Oh great that’s sooooo much better….not. But I would only be there for a couple of months because of over crowding. Anyways the judge lets me go because I turned myself in and because it was my first offense plus my dads boss was friends with the detective so they helped me out. I got 200 hours of community service though. I didn’t care though as long as I didn’t go to jail.
The next day of school come and she was like oh I was so worried about you blah blah blah. I didn’t tell her I went to jail though, I just said my parents found out and kept me at home. I was thinking to myself for all of that I at least deserve a *******. Too bad I didn’t get one. Ok here is the best part. I go and tell her my true feelings about her. She pauses for a long time and says I don’t see you like that sorry, but we can still be friends. Hahahaha. :cuss:
P.S. She found out that she wasn’t pregnant either…..:crackup:
Ok so here is the story. There was this girl about a 9 that I really liked in high school. I liked her a lot actually. I became friends with her. I bought her stuff, helped her with school work, complemented her all the time, did little things for her, but I never told her how I felt. Yeah I was the biggest afc. She always told me I was funny and sweet and so on. I thought she might like me but I was being used but didn’t know it because I was too stupid to realize it. I actually thought I had a shot. Just like the movies.
One day after school she tells me that she might be pregnant and no not from me because we were just friends. From some other guy. Hold your laughter it gets better. Anyways she tells me she isn’t sure and needs a birth test and she asks me to steal her one from the store. So I'm like sure I'll get you one. I wanted to look cool so I was like yeah no problem I'll steal you one. Thinking to myself that she would like me more if I did this favor for her.
So anyways I go inside the store and find the birth test. Cheapest one was like 15 bucks, what a ****ing rip off. I looked in my wallet and I only had like 8 bucks. I would have actually bought it but didn't have enough money. So I'm all sweating bullets and I'm nervous as hell because I have never stole anything before. I’m not sure if I should or shouldn’t. For some reason I feel like someone is watching me. So I grab the box and move down to another aisle. I look around and nobody is there. Then I see a guy looking at me. Like literally staring. I thought he was a gay or something and didn't think about it anymore. Then he leaves and then I see a ****ing mirror. He put his arm out and put a mirror in the middle of the row. For some odd reason I didn't think anything of this. Hahahaha I'm a ****ing idiot. I wasn't thinking right because of how nervous I was. Then I preceed on what I was going to do.
So anyways I open it and put it in my pocket. I go and buy some junk food to make it look like I'm buying something. I go and buy my stuff and right when I'm about to walk out of the store the same guy who was staring at me earlier walks in front of me and pulls out his badge and says, “police please step back”. I'm thinking to myself I am ****ed. I don't know what to do and for some reason I decide that I'm going to try and run. Bad idea. SoI try and sprint but he grabs me. I fight with him for about 10 seconds while he tells an employee to call the cops. I get out of his grip and sprint out the door. I'm a pretty fast guy but I was wearing those ****ing loose ass skater shoes. So what do you know I fall and eat it. I get up from the floor and then BAM I get tackled hard from behind. I get up again but he is holding me. He pulls me up and slams me against a nearby car. The girl who I stole the test for is screaming. She yells, “Let him go let him go”. But obviously the cop didn’t, I have no idea why, I would have let me go…. So I'm pinned up against the car and he is yelling, "You are going to jail buddy you are going to jail". I was like **** you and I threw him off of me and onto the ground. I was a wrestler so I knew a lot of moves. So I throw him down and run as fast as I can possibly run. I am dead tired. I hear sirens everywhere. I'm thinking to myself I am going to jail I am going to jail I’m scared ****less. I live down the street though. So I kept on telling myself that I was almost there. I was out of breath and I seriously wanted to rest but I couldn't because I could hear cop cars everywhere. I climb over a fence into a ditch. Where it had some nasty ass green slime in it and I had to run through it and it got all in my shoe. So now not only am I dead tired I have to run with nasty ass green slime inside my shoe. I climb over the fence again and run as fast as I can to my street. I was so dead tired. I literally was going to pass out but I didn’t stop. I could hear multipule sirens. At least 3 or 4 cop cars. Right when I get on my street a cop car passes on the street behind me but didn’t see me. I made it by like 5 seconds. I run into my backyard and just sit down breathing hard. This was the most tired I have ever been besides that one time when I had that porn marathon. All of a sudden I see a cop car driving down the street by my house really slowly. I could see it by looking in the cracks of my fence door. You can tell he was scanning the street. He passes by my house and then I hear a ****ing helicopter. Yes you heard me a ****ing helicopter. Are you serious??? At first I didn’t think it was for me but then I see it circling so then I’m like oh **** it is for me and run into my house. I was thinking to myself what the ****. I just stole a ****ing birth test is this really necessary? I get inside my house and my dad is sitting on the couch. I say hi like normal and walk into the restroom to clean this huge scrape on my leg. I get out and he’s like you did something didn’t you. I was like what. He knew though. I denied it for like 10 mins straight but then finally I told the truth and he wasn’t that mad for some reason. Funny thing too is he is a cop. Haha well anyways he lets me decide if I want to turn myself in. I said I don’t know yet.
Well for that whole night I didn’t sleep one bit. My dad comes in early morning and is like you are turning yourself in. He tells me that he looked me up on his computer at work and finds out I’m facing arm robbery charges which is a felony. I was like wtf. I mean yeah my arms are like guns but geez that’s going a little too far isn’t it lol. No but really it was considered arm robbery because I assaulted an officer. He tells me that they won’t stop looking for me and that I face serious charges. He tells me if I turn myself in I could get off with a lesser charge. So I turn myself in at the station. I get interrogated and ****. I go to jail until my court date. I had to stay in jail because bail was 50,000 dollars. I had to be there for 5 days. Worst 5 days of my life. Food taste like ****. . I seriously think they purposely try to make it take like crap. But I was lucky it was just district jail and not county. My lips are way too big for county jail. I would be passed around like a basketball in there. I was scared that I would become someone’s wife. Well I do pay for taxes for jail might as well use it every now and then I guess….So anyways I go to court and I’m scared to death because I’m facing up to 6 years. Because I assaulted a cop. But my dad told me that the most I would get would be 1 year. Oh great that’s sooooo much better….not. But I would only be there for a couple of months because of over crowding. Anyways the judge lets me go because I turned myself in and because it was my first offense plus my dads boss was friends with the detective so they helped me out. I got 200 hours of community service though. I didn’t care though as long as I didn’t go to jail.
The next day of school come and she was like oh I was so worried about you blah blah blah. I didn’t tell her I went to jail though, I just said my parents found out and kept me at home. I was thinking to myself for all of that I at least deserve a *******. Too bad I didn’t get one. Ok here is the best part. I go and tell her my true feelings about her. She pauses for a long time and says I don’t see you like that sorry, but we can still be friends. Hahahaha. :cuss:
P.S. She found out that she wasn’t pregnant either…..:crackup:
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....like......wow!!!