The madness of a future Ex-wife

[romangod]

Part of my routine lately has been going to basketball practises with my friend and his son. He’s the coach of a group of 12 year olds including his son and runs the practise. I sit with one of the fathers whom I’ve developed a close friendship with and have a good time.

My friend would pick me up with his son since my Driver’s Licence is suspended due to a recent medical problem and we’d go together.


He’s recently separated and his wife moved out on him. Still, she sticks her nose in everything and makes his life a living hell and tries to control everything and anything in his life and threatens him with her madness. My friend fears her and tries appeasement whenever he can.

The punch line:

She took a fit about him picking me up and me going to practises with them. In her madness she finds something wrong with him helping a friend through some hard times. Being the spineless AFC, he bowed to her wishes and I am no longer going to attend the practises.

Any thoughts on how I should deal with this? Is he a true friend by not standing up to her?

 

[jophil28]

This is a pvssy whipped guy who is not even getting pvssy!
What a lame duck !

She is socially isolated him by telling him not to take you to the game.
This is 'perpetrator" behavior which is part of the constellation of behaviors used by psych and emotional abusers.

This guy is downtrodden,crushed under her combat boots and basically f**ked.
There is little that you can do -It is his job to find the nuts to stand up to this monster.
Curiously, if you criticise her behavior it MAY result in him defending her. Weird stuff.

 

[romangod]

This is a pvssy whipped guy who is not even getting pvssy!
What a lame duck !

Weird stuff.

Yes, jophil28. I'm having a hard time dealing with his lack of kahunas. He's scared of her but somehow he justifies his reactions by saying he'll win in the end. I have a hard time believing that in my present state.


How should I treat him?

 

[Luveno]

Call him on it. Be firm.

 

[romangod]

Call him on it. Be firm.

I did call him on it and it didn't do any good. He's convinced his method of appeasement will win in the long run and that's what he'll do. I don't want to push him away because he has many good qualities. Still, it makes me wonder.

 

[KarmaSutra]

Unfortunately you will not change his mind by bludgeoning him on the head with: "YOU'RE A PVSSY WHIPPED LITTLE B!TCH!"

This won't work. You will need to confront him with actualization. Let me explain, You have to appease his ego by reasoning with him. Calling him names or telling him what a complete fvcktard he is will only push him closer to his thinking she is his only ally. He'll close up and move inward.

For this brother, you're going to have to SHOW him rather than TELL him. Explain to him what a new lease on life he has not being wrapped around her finger by being the impetus. Go out with him. Just you two. Go out to a club or a cozy bar. Make his life uncomfortable and take him out of his element to show him his life won't end without her, as a matter of fact, it's just beginning. Would his son think his Father a man or a mouse by succumbing to her every whim?

 

[romangod]

Unfortunately you will not change his mind by bludgeoning him on the head with: "YOU'RE A PVSSY WHIPPED LITTLE B!TCH!"

This won't work. You will need to confront him with actualization. Let me explain, You have to appease his ego by reasoning with him. Calling him names or telling him what a complete fvcktard he is will only push him closer to his thinking she is his only ally. He'll close up and move inward.

For this brother, you're going to have to SHOW him rather than TELL him. Explain to him what a new lease on life he has not being wrapped around her finger by being the impetus. Go out with him. Just you two. Go out to a club or a cozy bar. Make his life uncomfortable and take him out of his element to show him his life won't end without her, as a matter of fact, it's just beginning. Would his son think his Father a man or a mouse by succumbing to her every whim?

I agree, KarmaSutra. I didn't bludgeon him but just let him know that I was hurt and left it at that.

We have discussed how he has a new lease on life and is better off without her and I think he realizes it. He's more concerned about the financial punishment she can inflict on him and the effects of the split on his son.


His son is a good kid but he tries to be too much of a buddy with him and not enough of a father figure. Hence, the kid sees what kind of power he has over his father and I believe it will have negative effect in the long run. I can already see the signs of a big Ego emerging which will have to be dealt with when real life comes calling.

 

[Mr. Me]

I went through a divorce where a female driver, not looking, came out of a driveway and rammed into my rear passenger door as I was (obviously) passing by on the main road. Her insurance company called me saying it's evident she was entirely at fault and they paid for the damages totally.

But my then wife told her attorney that I was a dangerous driver and should not be permitted to have my children in my car.

This is the bulls!t men have to deal with when going through a divorce. I also had to suffer the common routine where the soon-to-be-ex alleges that the husband is abusing the children, needs a restraining order, blah, blah. All to create an emotional breakdown on the guy's part where he's willing to sign off everything just to get it over with.

That's what your pal is probably going through. His lawyer is probably also advising him to watch his Ps and Qs and drive like his grandmother. The guys that become defiant just find that the legal fees keep piling up.

I'd say be supportive of your friend. He may be a wuss, and maybe that's one reason she's through with him, but given the special circumstances of navigating through a divorce, I wouldn't call him on it. He needs a real friend.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

One more guy to scratch off your potential wingman list.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Divorces don't take forever. Is the guy trying to get the b!tch back? As soon as the divorce is final, she should have no power over him.

 

[romangod]

I'd say be supportive of your friend. He may be a wuss, and maybe that's one reason she's through with him, but given the special circumstances of navigating through a divorce, I wouldn't call him on it. He needs a real friend.

I am supportive of my friend and know that I'm the one guy that he can depend on when he needs me. She has isolated him over the years and he has alienated many of our mutual friends.

I'm not in his situation so I don't know how I'd deal with it but to me he needs to get clear of her as soon as possible if he wants the hope of any happiness. Get it done, see how much it'll cost him, accept it and move on. This slow, painful torture is not benefiting anyone.

 

[romangod]

Divorces don't take forever. Is the guy trying to get the b!tch back? As soon as the divorce is final, she should have no power over him.

He says he's not trying to get her back but I have my doubts. Still, I'll take him at his word.

He does some strange stuff. Her voice is still on his answering machine and he still wears his wedding ring. He says he doesn't want to do anything that'll provoke her. It's like he plugs one hole in the dike and ten more open up. She's a madwoman but he thinks he can still manage her madness and wait her out. I have my doubts.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Her voice is still on his answering machine and he still wears his wedding ring.


oh, that's sad. Trying to love the woman who is divorcing you is a lost cause. I have been there and done that. Of all the women in the world, he is in love with the worst one for him.

I bet that he does not even have a lawyer, does he? He wants to wallow in this state of limbo to cling to his denial of getting divorced.

Divorce is hard. It fvcks with your head. After you are with one woman for a long time, you tend to lose your game and have to start all over. You friend needs to meet new women. Sex would be great, but just meeting new women to learn that there are lots of them would help him a lot. If he is about 50, like you, now would be a great time for him to start dating women 15-20 years younger than him. The ex-wife would love that.

 

[romangod]

Her voice is still on his answering machine and he still wears his wedding ring.


oh, that's sad. Trying to love the woman who is divorcing you is a lost cause. I have been there and done that. Of all the women in the world, he is in love with the worst one for him.

I bet that he does not even have a lawyer, does he? He wants to wallow in this state of limbo to cling to his denial of getting divorced.

Divorce is hard. It fvcks with your head. After you are with one woman for a long time, you tend to lose your game and have to start all over. You friend needs to meet new women. Sex would be great, but just meeting new women to learn that there are lots of them would help him a lot. If he is about 50, like you, now would be a great time for him to start dating women 15-20 years younger than him. The ex-wife would love that.

No doubt she's the worst possible woman for him. She comes from a family of 13 and they all seem to be spun according to him.

He says he has a lawyer but I don't know.

He is my age and still looks good and can be very charming but seems to not want anything to do with women at the moment. He also has 2 daughters in there 20's who resent him and are under the mother's spell.

 

[romangod]

He was over last night to hang with me and another friend who I respect very much. I realized how messed up his life really is and a catastrophic crash is imminent. By not having any principles and tempting fate regularly he's left himself defenseless.

I can only be a friend when he needs me and leave him to his own devices. He's his own worst enemy.

 

[jophil28]

"He is his own worst enemy "
There is no point in trying to "help" someone who fights your best efforts every step of the way. There are people out the whom I call "wheelbarrow people" . These are folks who are passive, underdeveloped and dependent. They dump all their shyte in your sandpit and they expect you to either solve their problems for them or give them endless sympathy while they do zip to help themselves. Occasionally you get drawn into actively "helping" them and before you know it they are sitting in a wheelbarrow and you are pushing it slowly up a steep hill and making very slow progess (if any at all ) .
The end result is that YOU become exhausted and frustrated, and they still have their problem intact.

 

[romangod]

"He is his own worst enemy "
There is no point in trying to "help" someone who fights your best efforts every step of the way. There are people out the whom I call "wheelbarrow people" . These are folks who are passive, underdeveloped and dependent. They dump all their shyte in your sandpit and they expect you to either solve their problems for them or give them endless sympathy while they do zip to help themselves. Occasionally you get drawn into actively "helping" them and before you know it they are sitting in a wheelbarrow and you are pushing it slowly up a steep hill and making very slow progess (if any at all ) .
The end result is that YOU become exhausted and frustrated, and they still have their problem intact.

Jophil............... You are right on the money. I like the wheelbarrow analogy. On a side note: I would have been at the practise at this moment but now I am just waiting eagerly for Jeopardy to start. :crackup: