The Lone Wolf Lifestyle

[Matt Rogers]

Ever since being a kid I always used to prefer my own company: reading, playing piano, writing stories etc. At school and college it was pretty much impossible to avoid some degree of social contact so I had plenty of acquaintances and that made up for not having any close friends.

Since college and since ive become more focused on my career, less free time etc. I avoid parties etc because im terrible at small talk and still have a degree of social anxiety left over from childhood. Most of my womanising is focused on meeting girls during the day, on the internet etc. And increasingly ive been using a stream of women to fill my need for companionship which is becoming harder to deny. But although that is giving me physical companionship it is not really addressing the root cause which is some part of me which is unable to connect with others and form close friendships/relationships.

Even with the friends I have I get bored within a few hours and we run out of things to say to each other and it feels we are paying lip service to staying in touch.

I socialise as much as I can but for whatever reason im just not clicking with people and its all too much work.

On a few occasions in my life ive just met people and clicked and conversation, spending time together has been so effortless. But that hasn't happened in so long.

Any thoughts?

 

[SoylentGreen]

Ever since being a kid I always used to prefer my own company: reading, playing piano, writing stories etc. At school and college it was pretty much impossible to avoid some degree of social contact so I had plenty of acquaintances and that made up for not having any close friends.

Since college and since ive become more focused on my career, less free time etc. I avoid parties etc because im terrible at small talk and still have a degree of social anxiety left over from childhood. Most of my womanising is focused on meeting girls during the day, on the internet etc. And increasingly ive been using a stream of women to fill my need for companionship which is becoming harder to deny. But although that is giving me physical companionship it is not really addressing the root cause which is some part of me which is unable to connect with others and form close friendships/relationships.

Even with the friends I have I get bored within a few hours and we run out of things to say to each other and it feels we are paying lip service to staying in touch.

I socialise as much as I can but for whatever reason im just not clicking with people and its all too much work.

On a few occasions in my life ive just met people and clicked and conversation, spending time together has been so effortless. But that hasn't happened in so long.

Any thoughts?

My thought is that you are alot like me. I hate parties. I hate large groups of people. I would much rather play guitar, or watch a movie than go out. I am not interested in the same things as others. I am only recently starting to hang out more because women tend to want to meet/stay with guys who have a fun/active social calendar. Most women don't want the lone wolf. Being that I am like you, a loner, this is a problem for me.

I get invited to parties all the time and I never go. I have already (and I'm not exaggerating) passed up eight parties just this June. Everytime they BEGGED me to go and every day after it was over I caught hell for not going.
I always wondered about this. I feel that if I go to these social gatherings I would be bored to death, but the fact that they practically beg me to go has me scratching my head as to what they see in me and why they want me there.

I am working on expanding my social circle and perhaps, if you are tired of being by yourself, you should do the same. Just find friends with common interests such as music, piano, etc. and filter through everyone until you find someone cool that you can align with. I know its hard when you are socially awkward, as you say you are, but how awkward can one be? If you can speak and express yourself and your feelings/opinions and have some wit and humour there is no reason to feel awkward. I used to be really quiet during group conversations, now I just basically change the topics to things I like talking about, such as guitar, or lately, health.

Or if you prefer to be alone, then master the skill of daygame. Its almost better to be alone when picking up in the streets. This is where my energy is going these days.

Not much in the way of advice here, but thought I'd let you know that you are not "alone", lol, so to speak...

 

[piranha45]

I get invited to parties all the time and I never go. I have already (and I'm not exaggerating) passed up eight parties just this June. Everytime they BEGGED me to go and every day after it was over I caught hell for not going.
I always wondered about this. I feel that if I go to these social gatherings I would be bored to death, but the fact that they practically beg me to go has me scratching my head as to what they see in me and why they want me there.

It's something to do with those hyper-extroverts... I've had to deal with it countless times, myself. Check this out, a firsthand glimpse into the process at work:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=161908

 

[Luthor Rex]

Since college and since ive become more focused on my career, less free time etc. I avoid parties etc because im terrible at small talk and still have a degree of social anxiety left over from childhood.

Are you bad at small talk or do you just find it boring? If you find it boring then you should take the lead and 'small talk' about things you don't find boring.

Honestly if I was with a group of people and they were all talking about reality TV, I would just tune out. If they talked about living in other parts of the world I would tune in and ask questions. To stay in the conversation, try to steer the topics to something you know and enjoy.

 

[Luthor Rex]

My thought is that you are alot like me. I hate parties. I hate large groups of people. I would much rather play guitar, or watch a movie than go out. I am not interested in the same things as others. I am only recently starting to hang out more because women tend to want to meet/stay with guys who have a fun/active social calendar. Most women don't want the lone wolf. Being that I am like you, a loner, this is a problem for me.

I get invited to parties all the time and I never go. I have already (and I'm not exaggerating) passed up eight parties just this June. Everytime they BEGGED me to go and every day after it was over I caught hell for not going.
I always wondered about this. I feel that if I go to these social gatherings I would be bored to death, but the fact that they practically beg me to go has me scratching my head as to what they see in me and why they want me there.

Agree to go, but only if they let you play your guitar.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear lone Wolfs,
I find you interesting Guys and so will many women,you seem to have a bit of a cringe about your life style,don't! I bet you are very knowledgable blokes and probably work out...another mistake many Men make is to assume that the life and soul of the Party bangs like a Shvit house door in a Hurricane,not necessarily so,whilst many introverted girls can be very surprising in the cot.

 

[SoylentGreen]

Agree to go, but only if they let you play your guitar.

Thats a good idea, but even then they'll ask me to play all these corny songs that I'm going to hate...

I was thinking about this thread a lot this week and I realise that I am the one with the problem and it is simply that I am impatient and stuck in my ways. I have had my head up my a$$. I have to let go of expectations and my pre-conceived notion of what these parties will entail and just go have fun.

Where I work there are a TON of hotties there and every week I am invited to a party but I always refuse because our lifestyles are different. I am not into their music, their beer games, their narrow viewpoints and their attitudes. I work with a bunch of people from VERY rich homes and I simply can't relate; I was poor all my life so I was brought up differently.

What I can relate to, however, is the women that are at these parties. I have decided to swallow my pride and go to the next one I'm invited to. I know I can go and I know that everyone is going to be happy to see me and I know there are girls there that will be into me.

I am just going to have to suck it up and listen to the dense conversations and lame music. By doing so, I might get laid...

Matt Rogers...

You and I are similar in prefering our own company to that of others and here's a possible solution:

Suck it up and go hang out with people, go to parties and get-togethers, go to clubs and patios. Do it for a month or two, perhaps, then get some phone numbers or dates and go back home and call the girls. See what pans out. If nothing comes out of all the numbers and girls you meet, then go back out for another month or two. Pretty soon, you will find some cool introverted girl that wants nothing more than to hang out with you and you alone. Then you can revert back to NOT going to parties or hanging out with others but you'll have found someone. In short, it might be worthwhile to just put up with everyones bull$hit for awhile until you meet a nice girl (or two). Thats what I'm doing anyway.

I have posted before on how I don't have many friends or anyone to pickup with but it's all my own fault because I always pre-judge people based on their appearance and their friends and then I decline invitations. I have come to the realisation that I could have a huge social circle if I wanted and I could also be "the man" within that circle if I chose to.

Its all about making that first step. Leave your house. And leave the social anxiety at home too, don't overthink everything...you will have more fun when you just "let go"...don't over-concentrate on what "could happen" etc...I used to have panic attacks and I destroyed the line of thinking that was causing them, WITHOUT medication by just overriding those thoughts with better ones. Don't think: "this party is going to suck". Think: "this party MIGHT suck but lets go find out"...Reframe your thoughts.

"Lead the small talk" like Luthor Rex suggested

 

[MisterMcGee]

If you don't like these people, don't settle for them. Once you admit you've got standards and you're standing by them, you'll become stronger. Stop thinking "what's wrong with me?" Nothing's wrong with you. You simply don't like hanging out with people unless they're interesting to you.
Of course, your careless attitude may prevent you from clicking with new people, but since you don't require other people to feel alive and happy, you'll be fine. The reason why people go to parties and such is because it's their idea of fun - they like people, being around people, and so forth. If you don't need that to feel happy, and can rely on yourself for your own happiness, you are lucky.

 

[Warrior74]

just go to the damn parties. you never know what could happen. make it an adventure and just go.