Harry Wilmington
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2012
- Messages
- 1,201
- Reaction score
- 204
Here's a concept that may be new to some of you:
One of the reasons you may be having a hard time in your dating life is because humans are their own self-preservation machines. Indeed, every action or thought we have seeks to (a) keep us alive, and (b) keep our brains in the disillusion that we are good people, and that everything we do is justified.
Notice I didn't say it makes us think everything we do is RIGHT? I said "justified" for a reason.
Because we are the ones who make the decisions for ourselves, we typically views the things we do as "fair" or "just" depending on the situation. For example: we all know that stealing is wrong, correct? So then, if we consciously know that, why does a person that's low on money go into a store and try to sneak bread under their coat? More importantly, why would a person do this action even if they know that stealing is unacceptable?
In this example, the person in question would rationalize his actions as "noble." They're trying to feed their family but don't have the money to buy food... but they can't let their family starve because that would be more wrong, right? So, they steal the bread with the thought in their mind that the action is just, and therefore okay for them to do in the moment.
This, my friends, is what I call the act of being "The Hero In Your Life Story."
As the main character in your life, YOU make yourself out to be the protagonist. And, as the protagonist, you are always going to try and justify the ways in which you try to run your life, both to others and - more importantly - to yourself.
For purposes of this site, the question then becomes: how is being the hero in your life story damaging to your dating life?
Before I answer that, you'd be wise to check out a few recent posts on this website to get into the mind frame of what I'm talking about:
Guy gets mad at girl after she doesn't respond to text, gets pissed and sends inflammatory text
Girl breaks up with guy, guy decides to start no contact because...?
Guy asks girl how many she'd been with & bails when he hears the high number
So, here's how viewing yourself as the hero completely f--ks up your dating life:
1. YOU NEVER ADMIT TO YOURSELF THAT YOUR DATING ISSUES ARE YOUR FAULT.
As the hero, if a girl doesn't go out with you, it's ALWAYS because of the woman. Either she's crazy, or unavailable, or has an ex, or was just using you for attention, or her own ego, or money, etc. You never stop to think that maybe - just maaaaaaaybe - it's because YOU are sabotaging your results in some way. And because of this, you're not willing to take a look at your life and see places where you may be f--king up. Why?
2. YOU'RE ALWAYS ABLE TO JUSTIFY THE THINGS YOU DO.
I can't begin to count how many guys come on this board saying that they know the thing they're doing isn't helping - "I know, I shouldn't have texted her so much" - but then try to justify why it should have worked - "But she was texting ME all the time, so I thought it was okay to do so because she liked me!"
3. YOU IGNORE INDICATORS OF LOW INTEREST.
Sure, that girl flaked on 5 dates, or wouldn't touch you or let her kiss you on that date. But you're the hero, and all girls must like YOU, right? Because of this style of thinking, red flags don't exist to you. Your assumption becomes "If she said 'yes' to a date, it must mean she likes me!" No, the "yes" means she's giving you a shot - but she can still decide not to like you in that way during the date, and you'd be wise to recognize this.
4. YOU IGNORE RED FLAGS.
Another sad plot twist to being the hero: when you see the woman throwing out red flags that indicate what a lousy catch she'd be, you ignore them! Why? Because, as the hero, you just KNOW you can either fix the behavior, or that she'll change for you because... well, you're you!
5. YOU DON'T HAVE A REALISTIC VIEW OF HOW WOMEN ACTUALLY ARE.
You think the woman you're going after is so innocent, virginal, and wouldn't do not nice things - especially if YOU'RE chasing after her, because the hero only pics out the good girls, right? Or rather, the girls he views as BEING what his definition of "good" is. Therefore, they get baffled and hurt when they hear stories from her that are outside the viewpoint they had of her. A hero would think: "This girl is so sweet - I'll bet she's only been with 1 or 2 other guys besides me." So, when she comes back to him saying she's had 30 or 40 dudes, his brain takes it as an ego gut punch, like "how could she BE with anyone other than ME?? And with SO MANY!!"
6. YOU HAVE A REALLY, REALLY HARD TIME GETTING OVER A GIRL WHEN YOU FINALLY REALIZE SHE REALLY DOESN'T LIKE YOU.
Because now it's a blow to your ego - your head is thinking: "What? She doesn't like me? But.. but i'm me! I'm the hero! She HAS to like me! There must be something wrong with her - that b!tch!" At which point, you start trying to find ways to hurt her (like sending angry messages/text, calling her a slvt, etc.) - and you're able to do this without feeling bad because... well, see reason #1. The cycle just starts itself all over again!
The point is this: as the hero of your own story, it becomes very, very hard to be objective about things, especially since they revolve around YOU, and the idea that you may not always be doing things a hero would actually do. If you try to dance with a girl at the club and she turns you down, you may feel justified in calling her a name... but again: that's you being the "hero" to justify the action. The reality is, there are women out there that will like you, and a lot more that have their own idea about who fits their life story. Just because you don't get to ride off in the sunset with her as her hero doesn't mean she's the enemy.
However, it CAN be the eye-opener you need to delve deep into yourself and analyze what things you - yes, YOU - may actually be doing to prevent the results you want, with the girls you want. And to do that, you can't be stuck constantly seeing yourself as the hero that everyone ends up rejecting or stepping on. That doesn't make you the hero - that makes you the HEEL. The only true way to be the hero in your story is to constantly be analyzing and doing all you can to self-improve, even if that means admitting to yourself that you haven't always been the best version of yourself and/or could be doing things more helpful to your situation.
One of the reasons you may be having a hard time in your dating life is because humans are their own self-preservation machines. Indeed, every action or thought we have seeks to (a) keep us alive, and (b) keep our brains in the disillusion that we are good people, and that everything we do is justified.
Notice I didn't say it makes us think everything we do is RIGHT? I said "justified" for a reason.
Because we are the ones who make the decisions for ourselves, we typically views the things we do as "fair" or "just" depending on the situation. For example: we all know that stealing is wrong, correct? So then, if we consciously know that, why does a person that's low on money go into a store and try to sneak bread under their coat? More importantly, why would a person do this action even if they know that stealing is unacceptable?
In this example, the person in question would rationalize his actions as "noble." They're trying to feed their family but don't have the money to buy food... but they can't let their family starve because that would be more wrong, right? So, they steal the bread with the thought in their mind that the action is just, and therefore okay for them to do in the moment.
This, my friends, is what I call the act of being "The Hero In Your Life Story."
As the main character in your life, YOU make yourself out to be the protagonist. And, as the protagonist, you are always going to try and justify the ways in which you try to run your life, both to others and - more importantly - to yourself.
For purposes of this site, the question then becomes: how is being the hero in your life story damaging to your dating life?
Before I answer that, you'd be wise to check out a few recent posts on this website to get into the mind frame of what I'm talking about:
Guy gets mad at girl after she doesn't respond to text, gets pissed and sends inflammatory text
Girl breaks up with guy, guy decides to start no contact because...?
Guy asks girl how many she'd been with & bails when he hears the high number
So, here's how viewing yourself as the hero completely f--ks up your dating life:
1. YOU NEVER ADMIT TO YOURSELF THAT YOUR DATING ISSUES ARE YOUR FAULT.
As the hero, if a girl doesn't go out with you, it's ALWAYS because of the woman. Either she's crazy, or unavailable, or has an ex, or was just using you for attention, or her own ego, or money, etc. You never stop to think that maybe - just maaaaaaaybe - it's because YOU are sabotaging your results in some way. And because of this, you're not willing to take a look at your life and see places where you may be f--king up. Why?
2. YOU'RE ALWAYS ABLE TO JUSTIFY THE THINGS YOU DO.
I can't begin to count how many guys come on this board saying that they know the thing they're doing isn't helping - "I know, I shouldn't have texted her so much" - but then try to justify why it should have worked - "But she was texting ME all the time, so I thought it was okay to do so because she liked me!"
3. YOU IGNORE INDICATORS OF LOW INTEREST.
Sure, that girl flaked on 5 dates, or wouldn't touch you or let her kiss you on that date. But you're the hero, and all girls must like YOU, right? Because of this style of thinking, red flags don't exist to you. Your assumption becomes "If she said 'yes' to a date, it must mean she likes me!" No, the "yes" means she's giving you a shot - but she can still decide not to like you in that way during the date, and you'd be wise to recognize this.
4. YOU IGNORE RED FLAGS.
Another sad plot twist to being the hero: when you see the woman throwing out red flags that indicate what a lousy catch she'd be, you ignore them! Why? Because, as the hero, you just KNOW you can either fix the behavior, or that she'll change for you because... well, you're you!
5. YOU DON'T HAVE A REALISTIC VIEW OF HOW WOMEN ACTUALLY ARE.
You think the woman you're going after is so innocent, virginal, and wouldn't do not nice things - especially if YOU'RE chasing after her, because the hero only pics out the good girls, right? Or rather, the girls he views as BEING what his definition of "good" is. Therefore, they get baffled and hurt when they hear stories from her that are outside the viewpoint they had of her. A hero would think: "This girl is so sweet - I'll bet she's only been with 1 or 2 other guys besides me." So, when she comes back to him saying she's had 30 or 40 dudes, his brain takes it as an ego gut punch, like "how could she BE with anyone other than ME?? And with SO MANY!!"
6. YOU HAVE A REALLY, REALLY HARD TIME GETTING OVER A GIRL WHEN YOU FINALLY REALIZE SHE REALLY DOESN'T LIKE YOU.
Because now it's a blow to your ego - your head is thinking: "What? She doesn't like me? But.. but i'm me! I'm the hero! She HAS to like me! There must be something wrong with her - that b!tch!" At which point, you start trying to find ways to hurt her (like sending angry messages/text, calling her a slvt, etc.) - and you're able to do this without feeling bad because... well, see reason #1. The cycle just starts itself all over again!
The point is this: as the hero of your own story, it becomes very, very hard to be objective about things, especially since they revolve around YOU, and the idea that you may not always be doing things a hero would actually do. If you try to dance with a girl at the club and she turns you down, you may feel justified in calling her a name... but again: that's you being the "hero" to justify the action. The reality is, there are women out there that will like you, and a lot more that have their own idea about who fits their life story. Just because you don't get to ride off in the sunset with her as her hero doesn't mean she's the enemy.
However, it CAN be the eye-opener you need to delve deep into yourself and analyze what things you - yes, YOU - may actually be doing to prevent the results you want, with the girls you want. And to do that, you can't be stuck constantly seeing yourself as the hero that everyone ends up rejecting or stepping on. That doesn't make you the hero - that makes you the HEEL. The only true way to be the hero in your story is to constantly be analyzing and doing all you can to self-improve, even if that means admitting to yourself that you haven't always been the best version of yourself and/or could be doing things more helpful to your situation.
