The crying shoulder

[Omen]

I was at work last night, and this girl was there who was new, and she was in and out of moods. I guess her bf and her are having problems. Anyway, this one guy I was talking too, who is 18, will flirt with her, but last night he made a HUGE AFC mistake.

This girl who left came back in, and said... So and so wanted me to give you her number. So while your thinking... Ok, this guy got this girls number, he got it because he said he would be the crying shoulder.

He told me... I told her that if she ever needed anything, that I would be here for her.

I was like... Uh oh, and after that, his phone starts blowing up with text messages, and I said...bro, you just ended up being the crying shoulder.

She told me last night... Your a jerk, and I said... I know, that's my goal in life, to make every woman I meet call me a jerk.

When she left work, she smiled, said by and said she'd bring me my snacks (I have her feeding me) Monday. She goes... You know, I cant feed you everyday. I was like.. that's your problem

It's funny when you see yourself on the opposite end, and see how you were that one kid many many years ago. You realize from here, that being the crying shoulder does NOT get you anywhere. Whether it be a date, kiss, or laid. Now this kid seems to possibly think by being there for her, she'll see him as the nice caring guy. Yep, she will, and he wont get it.

He did say... Well, I hope i'm not the crying shoulder for every girl out there I meet. I told him...then dont do it. He said... Well, i'm just the nice guy. And this is where he has to decide whether he wants to be her friend, or not.

All I can say is that she'll be crying to him, and complaining to him, while to me, she feeds. lol

It's just an eye opener when you actually see things being done you are NOT supposed to do as a male. Some of us hear other stories about people doing them, or you doing them yourself, but very rarely do we see someone else exhibiting that behavior.

When I saw it first hand last night, I felt sorry for the kid cause he didnt know any better. I told him what I thought, then left it at that. I figure he needs to learn some on his own, and WHY it didnt work, and why being there for her didnt make her want to go after him.

 

[DrD77]

that WOULD have been me before i found this site. not anymore.

 

[Igetit!]

This is a good thread,Omen. I know exactly what you're talking about. I used to do that a long time ago. A girl would be crying or very upset about something or some situation,and I'd swoop in like Superman trying to save the day because I thought it would make her like me. Boy,was I wrong. I was so naive back then,it's embarrasses me now even as I think about it. It's just a combination of lack of experience and misunderstanding about attraction for women. The crazy thing was that I'd be dong everythung I koew possible to make things better for that girl,that after all that,she'd go right back to the guy or the situation that cause her the pain,and she'd be happy to go back to it! However,now that I undestand more about attraction,I realize what was going on.

 

[Omen]

DrD77... That's good that it isn't you. I know that it happens to people of all ages, and I was there at one point too. I was even like that I think at 24 with this one girl. Man was I wrong. After that experience, never again will I do any of that. Now if I know a girl who just has problems and wants to chat, I have no problem with that. I tried helping this one girl once cause she asked. She wasn't anything I ever would have gone after, and she liked my advice, so I helped her.

But if it is a woman I am attracted too, and she has guy problems, I will stay clear by all means.

This girl has dated this guy I hear a month, and he got her a puppy last week (what a chump) and now things aren't going well. She was happy about that dog, but the dog doesn't mean everything is fine. My guess is that it is his first or second girlfriend (high school kids) and he is doing what he can to keep her.

Dude, i'll never buy a puppy unless i'm engaged or married. That's just me.

But anyway, this guy at work ended up trying to flirt with her AND help her, and now he is surely in the friend zone. I told him, you cant do both dude.

The first time this kid has been kissed was at a party just cause some girl was told to kiss him, and I think he has only had maybe one girlfriend, or maybe not even. So he is just the type that needs help. I see him staying single for a long time if he keeps doing what he is doing.

He pulls off flirting in an ok way, but then he just ends up being TOO NICE. I mean at least push and pull, but he never does anything on the opposite end of the spectrum.

For instance, the girl asked me if I wanted some animal crackers 2 weeks ago, and I said no. She ate them, and then I was like... Oh man, I wanted some after all. I said so how about you bring me some. She said... OK. 3 days later she brought them.

She said she'd bring some Monday, and I told the kid i'm talking about in this post, and he said... Bet you $5 she doesn't. I said bet you $5 she will.

The difference in me and him, is that I dont have to like her, talk to her, etc etc. I want her to want me. Sometimes I like to do this stuff to just study women. I'll do all sorts of things to see what happens when you change things around. I test it on younger girls and older ones as well.

With this girl, I already have her trained. Was it by being nice? No, not a nice guy, but I say hi to her, say what's up, and all of that jazz, but I dont do things for her. I've never brought her anything. Now granted when I bring some food she tries to eat it, but sometimes I tell her "what makes you think you can eat my food?"

I've analyzed this one pretty good and can tell you that she WANTS attention. What's nice is that I can see this, so I have her in the palm of my hands. Now I just need her to bring me lunch. Nothing makes me happier than when a woman feeds me. I know she told me she cant feed me all the time, but that's ok. Even once a week is quite alright.

Oh well, i'll keep doing what i'm doing, and the other guy at work will be doing what he's doing. I'll be getting the attention, the food, and he'll be getting the text messages when she is emotional. lol

 

[Interceptor]

A male CAN be 'a crying shoulder' IF he knows who he is and has the resources to GIVE a person this valueable resource.

Being caring and compassionate ARE things we as HUMANS can, and should be doing. It has NOTHING to do with Male or Female.
The PROBLEM is when a person USES this as a PLOY to get closer to and get intimacy from a person who may not be attracted to them.The 'crying shoulder' is NOT an 'Attraction' technique.

Many AFCs somehow believe this because they think it shows they are compassionate, and being compassionate is a GOOD thing...BUT...they dont really CARE about her 'feelings' that much , and are using this as a method to demonstrate a certain Value and Trait they dont REALLY possess, but they want intimacy and attraction from her.


Thus, completely bypassing a healthy, mature, and sexual manner of relating to the opposite sex.

Men who do these things are denying their sexuality, and not acknowledging it in themselves and the women they are attracted to.

It is a huge MISCALIBRATION, and a lack of social adjustment to be OVERLY available as a crying shoulder to anyone who is a stranger.
There IS a certain threshold that one should be respecting for oneself.

However, it is all about RESOURCES.

If I personally HAVE the resources to be attentive and listening to someone who needs me, I can. However, once the threshold is reached , then I must act appropriately. And since I am not needy and desperate, I dont gravitate to this false 'tactic' in order to get female attention.

It is about Boundaries. And being able to handle another person's need for support. To turn one's back on someone TRULY in NEED, is not a masculine thing to do, it is not a HUMANE thing to do.

If a man CANNOT set and assert his BOUNDARIES, then of course, he shouldnt be doing things that will strain his very limited resources to begin with.

In a situation where someone who is not in 'need' and wants a crying shoulder out of Egoism, and AWing, then a MAN NEEDS to assert his BOUNDARIES with the other person.
Because this other person is not truly in need , and certainly NOT respecting another person's Resources.

When you SEE and FEEL , and REALIZE someone is NOT Respecting and Appreciating you, and your resources, THEN you make a decision to ASSERT yourself and your boundaries.
You are under no obligation to spend your resources on someone who wont appreciate them.

 

[Axcell]

A male CAN be 'a crying shoulder' IF he knows who he is and has the reosurces to GIVE a person this valueable reosurce.
Being caring and compassionate ARE things we as HUMANS can, and should be doing. It has NOTHING to do with Male or Female.
The PROBLEM is when a person USES this as a PLOY to get closer and get intimacy from a person who may not be attracted to them.
The 'crying shoulder' is NOT an 'Attraction' technique.
Many AFC somehow believe this because they think it shows they are compassionate, and being compassionate is a GOOD thing...BUT...they dont really CARE about her 'feelings' that much , and are using this asa method do demonstrate a certain Value and TRait they dont REALLY possess, and want intimacy and attraction from her. Completely bypassing a healthy, mature, and sexual manner of relating to the opposite sex. Men who do these things are denying their sexuality, and not acknowledging in themselves and the women they are attracted to.
It is a huge MISCALIBRATION, and a lack of social adjustment to be OVERLY available as a crying shoulder to anyone who is a stranger.
There IS a certain threshold that one should be respecting for oneself.

However, it is all about RESOURCES.

If I personally HAVE the resources to be attentive and listening to someone who needs me, I can. However, once the threshold is reached , then I act appropriately. And since I am not needy and desperate, I dont gravitate to this false 'tactic' in order to get female attention.

It is about Boundaries. And being able to handle another person's need for support. To turn one's back on someone TRULY in NEED, is not a masculine thing to do, it is not a HUMANE thing to do.

If a man CANNOT set and assert his BOUNDARIES, then of course, he shouldnt be doing things that will strain his very limited resources to begin with.

In a situation where someone who is not in 'need' and wants a crying shoulder out of Egoism, and AWing, then a MAN NEEDS to assert his BOUNDARIES with the other person.
Because this other person is not truly in need , and certainly NOT respecting another person's Resources.

When you SEE and FEEL , and REALIZE someone is NOT Respecting and Appreciating you, and your resources, THEN you make a decision to ASSERT yourself and your boundaries.
You are under no obligation to spend your resources on someone who wont appreciate them.

+1. Solid advice - by far the best on this thread.

 

[I'm Charming]

I had a few girls that I got into friendzone with, used to abuse me as a crying shoulder, after I found this site and left school I cut contact for a good few months and never spoke to them at all.

However, I do occasionally speak to them now and one thing that has became clear is that they're always trying to use me as a crying shoulder or re-place me in friendzone, when they attempt crying shoulder on me - I'm not very empathetic with all this "Blah blah blah I hate that b*tch" "my life's ****" crap so I always - without fail, completely don't register anything about it at all about it and change the subject back to the way I want it - I flip the script and ask them about something else - something positive - and that lets me get sexual undertone in again.

What I've found is that they're usually surprised I don't play along with the conversation as they want it and immediately become more open to me teasing them and being sexual because I don't want to find out about all their girl gossip or be their 'girlfriend', this means that they have no connection with me as a 'girlfriend' so are instead more open to my new sexual self.

The results of this have been good - they laugh when I tease them and become more sexual themselves.

One of my biggest mistakes I made was employing this make-believe caring, there is nothing you can do when a person is sad or annoyed by being the crying shoulder, but if you make them laugh then you are immediately different - if you get caught in this sadness then you are associated with the venting of negative emotion, but if you make them laugh and are happy then you will be the one they want to be around.

 

[daygameguy]

A male CAN be 'a crying shoulder' IF he knows who he is and has the reosurces to GIVE a person this valueable reosurce.
Being caring and compassionate ARE things we as HUMANS can, and should be doing. It has NOTHING to do with Male or Female.
The PROBLEM is when a person USES this as a PLOY to get closer and get intimacy from a person who may not be attracted to them.
The 'crying shoulder' is NOT an 'Attraction' technique.
Many AFC somehow believe this because they think it shows they are compassionate, and being compassionate is a GOOD thing...BUT...they dont really CARE about her 'feelings' that much , and are using this asa method do demonstrate a certain Value and TRait they dont REALLY possess, and want intimacy and attraction from her. Completely bypassing a healthy, mature, and sexual manner of relating to the opposite sex. Men who do these things are denying their sexuality, and not acknowledging in themselves and the women they are attracted to.
It is a huge MISCALIBRATION, and a lack of social adjustment to be OVERLY available as a crying shoulder to anyone who is a stranger.
There IS a certain threshold that one should be respecting for oneself.

However, it is all about RESOURCES.

If I personally HAVE the resources to be attentive and listening to someone who needs me, I can. However, once the threshold is reached , then I act appropriately. And since I am not needy and desperate, I dont gravitate to this false 'tactic' in order to get female attention.

It is about Boundaries. And being able to handle another person's need for support. To turn one's back on someone TRULY in NEED, is not a masculine thing to do, it is not a HUMANE thing to do.

If a man CANNOT set and assert his BOUNDARIES, then of course, he shouldnt be doing things that will strain his very limited resources to begin with.

In a situation where someone who is not in 'need' and wants a crying shoulder out of Egoism, and AWing, then a MAN NEEDS to assert his BOUNDARIES with the other person.
Because this other person is not truly in need , and certainly NOT respecting another person's Resources.

When you SEE and FEEL , and REALIZE someone is NOT Respecting and Appreciating you, and your resources, THEN you make a decision to ASSERT yourself and your boundaries.
You are under no obligation to spend your resources on someone who wont appreciate them.

I was actually thinking about it too.
There is a difference between being a "nice" guy and a "good" aplha guy.

 

[Alle_Gory]

She told me last night... Your a jerk, and I said... I know, that's my goal in life, to make every woman I meet call me a jerk.

When she left work, she smiled, said by and said she'd bring me my snacks (I have her feeding me) Monday. She goes... You know, I cant feed you everyday. I was like.. that's your problem

So how did you get her to bring you tasty treats?

 

[Omen]

A male CAN be 'a crying shoulder' IF he knows who he is and has the reosurces to GIVE a person this valueable reosurce.
Being caring and compassionate ARE things we as HUMANS can, and should be doing. It has NOTHING to do with Male or Female.
The PROBLEM is when a person USES this as a PLOY to get closer and get intimacy from a person who may not be attracted to them.
The 'crying shoulder' is NOT an 'Attraction' technique.
Many AFC somehow believe this because they think it shows they are compassionate, and being compassionate is a GOOD thing...BUT...they dont really CARE about her 'feelings' that much , and are using this asa method do demonstrate a certain Value and TRait they dont REALLY possess, and want intimacy and attraction from her. Completely bypassing a healthy, mature, and sexual manner of relating to the opposite sex. Men who do these things are denying their sexuality, and not acknowledging in themselves and the women they are attracted to.
It is a huge MISCALIBRATION, and a lack of social adjustment to be OVERLY available as a crying shoulder to anyone who is a stranger.
There IS a certain threshold that one should be respecting for oneself.

However, it is all about RESOURCES.

If I personally HAVE the resources to be attentive and listening to someone who needs me, I can. However, once the threshold is reached , then I act appropriately. And since I am not needy and desperate, I dont gravitate to this false 'tactic' in order to get female attention.

It is about Boundaries. And being able to handle another person's need for support. To turn one's back on someone TRULY in NEED, is not a masculine thing to do, it is not a HUMANE thing to do.

If a man CANNOT set and assert his BOUNDARIES, then of course, he shouldnt be doing things that will strain his very limited resources to begin with.

In a situation where someone who is not in 'need' and wants a crying shoulder out of Egoism, and AWing, then a MAN NEEDS to assert his BOUNDARIES with the other person.
Because this other person is not truly in need , and certainly NOT respecting another person's Resources.

When you SEE and FEEL , and REALIZE someone is NOT Respecting and Appreciating you, and your resources, THEN you make a decision to ASSERT yourself and your boundaries.
You are under no obligation to spend your resources on someone who wont appreciate them.

I think the boundaries are important and how we use our resources. If a woman comes to me cause she REALLY needs my help, support, etc, I will give it.

What I wont do, is try to listen to a females problems just to do it, to pretend I care, so I can spark something with her.

I think this is what this kid is doing. Oh hey...btw if you need anything, let me know and i'll be there for you. What is wrong with this, is that he's met her, and only really talked to her about 2 weeks. Given the days he doesn't see her, i'd say that this kid has worked with this girl about 5-8 times or so. So it's not like he knows her life or anything. All he knows is boyfriend and her aren't getting along, and he is going to try and save the day.

One of my biggest mistakes I made was employing this make-believe caring, there is nothing you can do when a person is sad or annoyed by being the crying shoulder, but if you make them laugh then you are immediately different - if you get caught in this sadness then you are associated with the venting of negative emotion, but if you make them laugh and are happy then you will be the one they want to be around.

I think that is also key. I've found by saying things like... Hey, why the sad face? You shouldn't be sad, cause you get to see me today for 4hrs. I do this a lot if I see a girl down. They soon perk up, smile and laugh.

So how did you get her to bring you tasty treats?

You know, I just told her to do it, and she did. She said she'd bring rice krispy treats later. She has to like me somewhat, or she wouldn't just do it. She'd say whatever, or get your own, and then find a way to NOT bring them. She wont bring anyone else anything. I told her one day... You know, I was hoping you'd forget, so I would have been able to say... I told you you'd never do it. She goes... I said I would didnt I? So I was really shocked she did. I think you just have to try something like that and see the outcome. If a girl starts doing that, she has a reason to do it. If she doesn't do things for you, it doesn't mean she doesn't like you, but I think some girls want your approval. And if they can keep at it, the more the merrier for them. You have to play hard to get, not give them attention, and try to get them to do things for YOU.

I didnt do anything special, but I did be blunt. Most guys aren't going to tell a woman to do something, but I did, and the outcome was ok this time around.

Maybe someone out there who wants to get into depth a little more will, as to WHY a woman would do this, and how I got her too. What was it that made her want to do things for me? At the same time too I give her a hard time. She calls me a jerk (not in a true mean way) and I say... Yep, I am, and that's my goal in life. To get every woman to call me a jerk. She then laughed.

 

[Desert Fox]

Damn this thread got me hungry. What did she feed you?

 

[Desert Fox]

On a more serious note so I can contribute to this thread:

Whenever a girl tells me to listen to her problems, I simply tell her I'm busy and maybe later. Then she says ok how about tonight? And I say, "sorry, tonight my favorite infomercial is going to be on TV."

Then they usually get the hint or call you a jerk, and PROBLEM SOLVED.

 

[Omen]

Damn this thread got me hungry. What did she feed you?

All she did was bring me animal crackers. I told her the day she had some, that I love those things, and that I usually have some, but I forgot them today. So she swore she'd bring some. Then she did.

I was seriously shocked when she brought them. I was really just pulling her chain. But then when she did, I was like... I think I have something going here.

But my question is still WHY does she do it? It's rare to see a girl want to do something like that, and keep doing it at that. Is she trying to get my approval, show me she's cooler then the other women around.... No doubt she's a flirt with me, but women usually dont seem to go AFC in a sense.

Not sure what I am looking for here, but it would be something a guy would do. Ok... I've gotta do something nice, so since i've seen her eat animal crackers, or drink Dr Pepper, or what ever, i'll bring her the same thing. Then you get into that whole nice guy doing things for women just to get their attention. So my guess is she wants MY attention, so she's gonna keep me happy so far by bringing me stuff. The funny thing is that we are so used to women using that on us guys, and then we as guys do it, hoping we get something in return. A date, sex, what ever. They sweet talk us, they tell us to do things, and we have done them. Now i'm not gonna do it just cause a woman tells me too, cause I want her to see i'm not a chump, or a wuss, but rare you see women acting like AFCs who would do whatever to show a woman he's worth her time.

Maybe some do, but I just dont see it much.

So honestly, i'm still trying to figure this one out, and I need a little more time since I only see her 2x maybe 3 per week.