Harry Wilmington
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2012
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Hey all:
So, I'm doing a podcast about this topic later in the month, but it was in my head now and I felt the need to type it out.
I've had this thought for years actually, and I see it time and time again in movies and television shows and have come to realize that what I'm about to tell you about is, by far, the #1 way men get trained into screwing up their chances at having a successful dating life. So, let's start with a more recent example of this phenomenon...
For my birthday I got the complete DVD series set of "How I Met Your Mother," by far one of my favorite shows. For those of you who watched it, you're familiar with Barney, the stand-out character on the show played by Neil Patrick Harris. Now, this dude is, for the most part, a full-on playboy who finds inventive ways to get women to sleep with him. Once he beds them, he kicks them to the curve, never trying to sleep with the same woman twice.
Then, in season 3, he sleeps with Robin, one of the girls in the core group of 5 main characters on the show. At some point this was to be expected since they're both single (despite Robin being the ex of Ted, the character who's search for love is the main through-line of the show). After their hook up they go back to being friends for a while, but then, in season 4, his other friend Lily can tell that Barney has developed actual feelings for Robin.
And this, my friends, is where the trouble begins...
You see, there would have been no problem if he had a crush on her of some kind and simply wanted to explore those feelings with Robin via a dating/casual sex relationship. But instead, what does the show do? The show has Lily get Barney to admit that (a) he LOVES Robin, and (b) the best thing for him to do would be to tell her that in order for them to have a real relationship.
As much as I love this show... I really wanted to smack the writers in the head with my television. Can you spot the problem I'm talking about? Hint: It's the same thing that happens on show after show, and movie after movie. Give up? Here it is:
The PROBLEM is that television and movies portray the notion that if you have a crush on a girl, it must automatically mean you love her.
Now, how does this mess up the dating lives of men? Let's start with a young teenage boy, age 13. He meets a girl he likes and starts having all these feelings for her, and has NO idea what they mean. Were he to get the proper guidance, he would know that, based on what his body mechanics are telling him he finds attractive, those feelings he's having are his body saying "I would like to have sex with this girl in some capacity, and possibly see if she and I could possibly become more."
And that's it. Were a guy taught to think about women this way, the way in which they went about getting into a relationship would be completely different - they would go after women knowing full well that the goal was sex, and that in order for it to go beyond that SHE would be the one to have to prove WHY she deserved more. Then, while proving herself overtime, he could then start to realize that he, too, cares for her beyond just sex, to the point where he may actually feel a strong enough connection to only want to be with her - i.e. having feelings of LOVE for her.
But what happens instead?
Well, by the time a young boy is 13, he's seen countless hours of TV sitcoms and movies. And what happens in the majority of these entertainment forms as it pertains to men and women falling in love?
Simple: the man sees a girl he likes... and is automatically in LOVE with her.
And it's frustrating to watch because love doesn't typically work like that. When you first meet a girl, you see her boobs, face, butt, and curves and get an impression that you like the way she looks (i.e. you'd bang her), but when it comes to falling in love with someone, there's a whole lot you have to actually do with the person before having that be a fair conclusion. You have to spend time with them, talk to them, hear about their lifestyle, what kinds of things they're interested in, how they see themselves living in the future... you have to find out if you're compatible sexually, if you have the same freakness level, if you're both willing to try new things in and out of the bedroom...
The point is, that first feeling you have about someone when you first meet them isn't love - it's your brain and your body reacting positively to attractive stimuli, which is normal, but it's not yet at the "love" stage. And yet, TV and movies have men believing that anytime they meet a girl and have feelings for her, it's automatically love. And it ends up screwing guys up because the way in which they end up approaching the girl automatically puts them in "BETA" mode.
Think about it: love is a pretty strong emotion, right? So, if a guy assumes his feelings for a new girl are of love, him going in with guns blazing trying to attract her is going to be met with disastrous results. He's either going to try and hit on her by over-supplementing (i.e. flowers, cards, candies, etc.) or by giving her the "I think I love you, we should go out" speech... despite the fact that the girl in question doesn't feel the same way because she hasn't been given time to really get to know this guy who just KNOWS he loves her. Why? Because love - especially for women - takes TIME to develop.
And a lot of guys don't get this. They think if they tell a woman he loves her and she rejects him, it's because she didn't love him back and never would have. Far from it, though: the reason she's not in love with him is because him saying "I love you" as an opening line is (a) too intense, and (b) a lie - you don't really "love" her as much as you are in love with the IDEA of being in love with her. Meanwhile, in her head she's thinking "How can he love me? I've barely spoken to him and he's already too smitten!" But again - movies and TV would have you thinking that as soon as you tell your crush you love them, that they will automatically want to feel the same way and go out with you.
So... in closing: don't believe all these movies and TV shows where a guy, upon realizing he has a crush on a lady, automatically goes into "I must love her" mode. I wish these media forms portrayed more realistic versions of how men and women SHOULD fall in love... but since the majority of it caters to women's fantasies (despite them not being realistic), one has to be aware that how they're seeing the development of "love" portrayed isn't how it actually works. And, while I'm sure the people on these boards are either smart enough to know that or are in the process of learning it, you have to remember just how impressionable these types of images are to young boys/teens as they go through puberty and their first years of dating to fully grasp the harm and challenges it can cause.
- Harry Wilmington
So, I'm doing a podcast about this topic later in the month, but it was in my head now and I felt the need to type it out.
I've had this thought for years actually, and I see it time and time again in movies and television shows and have come to realize that what I'm about to tell you about is, by far, the #1 way men get trained into screwing up their chances at having a successful dating life. So, let's start with a more recent example of this phenomenon...
For my birthday I got the complete DVD series set of "How I Met Your Mother," by far one of my favorite shows. For those of you who watched it, you're familiar with Barney, the stand-out character on the show played by Neil Patrick Harris. Now, this dude is, for the most part, a full-on playboy who finds inventive ways to get women to sleep with him. Once he beds them, he kicks them to the curve, never trying to sleep with the same woman twice.
Then, in season 3, he sleeps with Robin, one of the girls in the core group of 5 main characters on the show. At some point this was to be expected since they're both single (despite Robin being the ex of Ted, the character who's search for love is the main through-line of the show). After their hook up they go back to being friends for a while, but then, in season 4, his other friend Lily can tell that Barney has developed actual feelings for Robin.
And this, my friends, is where the trouble begins...
You see, there would have been no problem if he had a crush on her of some kind and simply wanted to explore those feelings with Robin via a dating/casual sex relationship. But instead, what does the show do? The show has Lily get Barney to admit that (a) he LOVES Robin, and (b) the best thing for him to do would be to tell her that in order for them to have a real relationship.
As much as I love this show... I really wanted to smack the writers in the head with my television. Can you spot the problem I'm talking about? Hint: It's the same thing that happens on show after show, and movie after movie. Give up? Here it is:
The PROBLEM is that television and movies portray the notion that if you have a crush on a girl, it must automatically mean you love her.
Now, how does this mess up the dating lives of men? Let's start with a young teenage boy, age 13. He meets a girl he likes and starts having all these feelings for her, and has NO idea what they mean. Were he to get the proper guidance, he would know that, based on what his body mechanics are telling him he finds attractive, those feelings he's having are his body saying "I would like to have sex with this girl in some capacity, and possibly see if she and I could possibly become more."
And that's it. Were a guy taught to think about women this way, the way in which they went about getting into a relationship would be completely different - they would go after women knowing full well that the goal was sex, and that in order for it to go beyond that SHE would be the one to have to prove WHY she deserved more. Then, while proving herself overtime, he could then start to realize that he, too, cares for her beyond just sex, to the point where he may actually feel a strong enough connection to only want to be with her - i.e. having feelings of LOVE for her.
But what happens instead?
Well, by the time a young boy is 13, he's seen countless hours of TV sitcoms and movies. And what happens in the majority of these entertainment forms as it pertains to men and women falling in love?
Simple: the man sees a girl he likes... and is automatically in LOVE with her.
And it's frustrating to watch because love doesn't typically work like that. When you first meet a girl, you see her boobs, face, butt, and curves and get an impression that you like the way she looks (i.e. you'd bang her), but when it comes to falling in love with someone, there's a whole lot you have to actually do with the person before having that be a fair conclusion. You have to spend time with them, talk to them, hear about their lifestyle, what kinds of things they're interested in, how they see themselves living in the future... you have to find out if you're compatible sexually, if you have the same freakness level, if you're both willing to try new things in and out of the bedroom...
The point is, that first feeling you have about someone when you first meet them isn't love - it's your brain and your body reacting positively to attractive stimuli, which is normal, but it's not yet at the "love" stage. And yet, TV and movies have men believing that anytime they meet a girl and have feelings for her, it's automatically love. And it ends up screwing guys up because the way in which they end up approaching the girl automatically puts them in "BETA" mode.
Think about it: love is a pretty strong emotion, right? So, if a guy assumes his feelings for a new girl are of love, him going in with guns blazing trying to attract her is going to be met with disastrous results. He's either going to try and hit on her by over-supplementing (i.e. flowers, cards, candies, etc.) or by giving her the "I think I love you, we should go out" speech... despite the fact that the girl in question doesn't feel the same way because she hasn't been given time to really get to know this guy who just KNOWS he loves her. Why? Because love - especially for women - takes TIME to develop.
And a lot of guys don't get this. They think if they tell a woman he loves her and she rejects him, it's because she didn't love him back and never would have. Far from it, though: the reason she's not in love with him is because him saying "I love you" as an opening line is (a) too intense, and (b) a lie - you don't really "love" her as much as you are in love with the IDEA of being in love with her. Meanwhile, in her head she's thinking "How can he love me? I've barely spoken to him and he's already too smitten!" But again - movies and TV would have you thinking that as soon as you tell your crush you love them, that they will automatically want to feel the same way and go out with you.
So... in closing: don't believe all these movies and TV shows where a guy, upon realizing he has a crush on a lady, automatically goes into "I must love her" mode. I wish these media forms portrayed more realistic versions of how men and women SHOULD fall in love... but since the majority of it caters to women's fantasies (despite them not being realistic), one has to be aware that how they're seeing the development of "love" portrayed isn't how it actually works. And, while I'm sure the people on these boards are either smart enough to know that or are in the process of learning it, you have to remember just how impressionable these types of images are to young boys/teens as they go through puberty and their first years of dating to fully grasp the harm and challenges it can cause.
- Harry Wilmington
