Terrified of meeting with ex. Pls halp.

[R.C]

Riiight...sooo...ex girlfriends.

You know what sucks ? Sucks that I've always been able to give objective solid advice to anyone asking for it , but in some scenarios (this is one of them) I can't think out of the box regarding my own problems.

So this is the girl that ****ed up my world big time at the begining of 2013 after a 3 year relationship. I've never contacted her after the brakeup , she did a few times. We've had brief conversations every now and then. Nothing horrible happened. Nothing really bad even, I just didn't take it too well.


Whatever , not gonna get into that again. Point is , she'll be in town this weekend. She just told me and asked for a meetup. And I. Am. Terrified. No , you don't uderstand. I'm really scared. ****less. I automatically turn utter AFC in her presence. That effect has seemingly not worn off yet. Which it probably should have ? I don't know.


I don't wanna ***** out on this. We all know stepping out of our comfort zone is the best way towards progression , but I need help. I need tips , whatever you have for me. I don't have any goal for this meetup other than facing my own fear. I don't care about other outcomes.


Wat do ?


Feels like I should mention this. I'm 21, she's 19.

 

[GotED?]

Dude, you have to KNOW what you want out of your EX??

1. NOTHING (go NC and STAY NC - change your phone number, email address)

2. WANT HER BACK (this require some game, do you see signs she wants you more than just a friend? are you still having 'EX SEX'?? does she verbally say she misses you?)

3. WANT HER AS A FRIEND (this doesn't sound like something that would keep you out of the insane asylum at this point)

When you have figured it out, come back and re-post then ask us how to help you then.

Exodus

 

[R.C]

We can't be proper friends since we live 300 miles apart , but I don't want her back.


So yea, treat it as a friends thing. That's what Im doing.

 

[Atom Smasher]

I truly do not think that avoiding her is wimping out. I used to think that not listening to "our" songs, throwing stuff away, etc. was wimpy avoidance, but later learned that this is the way to handle business. You cut all ties and you move on.

She affects you this way because of the male hard-wiring and because of your youth. This phenomenon will diminish as you mature, but it will probably never completely go away.

Don't worry about your emotions. They're understandable and valid. Relationships with women drill down into our very core, and total cutoff is the only way to deal with these things.

I strongly recommend that you tell her you're not interested in meeting. No drama, no long, drawn out discussion. "I feel there is nothing to be gained by meeting. I've moved on. I wish you all the best". Cordial but to the point. A MANLY statement of how things are, because it's going to be the way YOU, the King of your kingdom, says it's going to be.

Don't use this as a facing your fear exercise. You are NOT avoiding facing your fear in this particular case. You are doing what a man needs to do to move on. Cut her out completely with no discussion, no drama and you will soon feel like a boss.

 

[JoeMarron]

Atom Smasher nailed it. You are in no condition to be friends with her. Meeting her isn't about stepping out of your comfort zone or facing your fears. It'll only result in more pain and drama on your end. If you want to progress and break your comfort zone then go find hotter women to fvck until you're completely over this chick.

 

[GotED?]

Best way to get over a woman is to get on top of another woman.

 

[R.C]

I've been on top of other women ED. It's been a year since I broke up with her.

I'm not affraid of getting hurt nor do I think my emotions will be ravaged in any way , my only fear is acting like a *****.
I'm over her emotionally , but there's this fear of meeting her that I want to get rid off. It's an irational fear. It has no logical basis. There's nothing she can do /say that will hurt me.

Maybe it's a placebo.

@Atom I believe there's a difference between what I'm saying , and between the "our song" explaination. I understand what you're saying , and so I can conclude that's not really my case.


I'm thinking I should just treat her as I treat my guy friends. Any thoughts on that ?

 

[Albatross953]

Atom smasher nailed it. There's no gain meeting her. Walk off....and don't look back.

 

[LondonTowers]

Mate, do not meet her.. I broke up with my ex last year.. I thought I was emotionally over my ex and recently met her, thinking it would prove to myself how over her I was. The problem is your ex's are a part of your deep psyche and they can easily trigger something from it that you didn't expect. It could pull out some of your past AFC attributes and make you feel pretty rubbish for a while after the meeting. There is no good that will come from it. My ex started talking about her current boyfriend not going so well and how she is getting all this attention at work and how her boss is really nice, she even lightly flirted with me.. she pretty much stated she is shopping for a new boyfriend while still in a relationship. It threw me off as I trusted her a lot in our relationship but now I was seeing this other side of her and how disrespectful she is to her current boyfriend and how she was probably doing the same when I was with her. It brought out all the AFC things I did in our relationship and made my emotions regress. An ex can easily pull out some old parts of your character and that is very negative if you have worked hard to develop your character since the break up. I should never of met her and my inner voice was pretty much screaming at me to not meet her, but I didn't listen. Cut her out, keep improving and don't look back, it has been said time and time again that NC is the way especially if it was someone you have an AFC past with. Life is a transient journey, allow things to come into your life and know when to let them leave your life. Each experience changes you but don't get caught in an old loop.

 

[Atom Smasher]

@Atom I believe there's a difference between what I'm saying , and between the "our song" explaination. I understand what you're saying , and so I can conclude that's not really my case.

I'm thinking I should just treat her as I treat my guy friends. Any thoughts on that ?

Actually you're missing my point entirely and focusing on and misinterpreting a side comment.

You're a person who needs to learn it the hard way, and so you shall.

 

[Jaylan]

OP, I agree with Atom.

The best you can do right now is tell your ex that you think its best that you two keep distance and just move on with your lives. You dont seem emotionally ready to see her, and you shouldnt ever have to. Shes a part of the past and you should be allowed to move into the future without ever seeing her again.

Im the kind of guy that deletes numbers, throws out mementos, stops listening to certain music, and deletes all pictures after a breakup. Erasure of a woman is my way of moving on. I think that method may benefit you. Just have nothing to do with your ex in any way, shape, or form. And for a long time, I had to avoid listening to a particular bands music, because they were my ex's favorite group. I still dont much listen to them because they remind me of her, but it definitely doesnt bother me like it used to.

Best way to get over a woman is to get on top of another woman. [/COLOR]

I disagree with this. With young dudes like the OP, rushing to a rebound can make the emotional situation worse. Its obvious to me hes the kind of guy whos more susceptible to emotional ups and downs.

Rather than rushing to screw another woman, he should just focus on healing from a bad relationship. I think being with friends, taking time away from dating for a little, and just focusing on himself is the best way to go about it. He should get himself together first before getting involved with other women.

 

[VladPatton]

Why the fück would you give you 19 yr old ex the time of day after all of your horrific experiences with her? Seriously, this is such a non-issue that it's ridiculous. Pout yourself a bowl of Cheerios and forget you even made this post.

 

[R.C]

Hey,

Thanks for all the replies. Really appreciate the insight.
I really need to clarify this:


If this girl would've hurt me in blunt obvious ways (i.e: cheat on me , lie , etc) I wouldn't even take the time to read a message she'd send me , let alone reply.

However , I'm completely aware of both my fvck-ups (huge AFC moments) and her fvck-ups ( huge ***** moments ). Sometimes one was the result of the other , but objectively speaking we both hold somewhat equal blame for this relationship going to ****.

OK , now that we've established that my ex is not Satan:

@Vlad:
I haven't had any horrific experiences with her.If I did , ofcourse it would've been a non issue. But like I said , the brake-up was not bad , I simply couldn't handle it the way I should have.

@Atom:
I haven't made a decision yet , and what I've stated is that your comment seems based on an assertion that I am much more emotionally involved in this than I actually am.
Maybe you're right. You probably are , but saying : "I feel there is nothing to be gained by meeting. I've moved on. I wish you all the best" after more than a year suggests the opposite. It feels uncalled for and immature. Also a bit butthurt.
That's my opinion.

@Midnight:
Nah , I don't want fvck her. She's not the oneitis of my life but I did care about her at one point , and banging exes I actually cared for to an above avarage extent seems like a terrible ideea to me.
You're completely right about not dwelling in the past , and refusing to go simply because of the past to me seems like doing just that. Dwelling there.


@Jaylan:
It wasn't a bad experience. I mentioned before , I didn't take the ending well at the time , but overall it was a slightly above average experience.

I of course deleted pictures and threw out any emotional **** like albums together and whatnot. As far as anything else goes , I really have no problems listening to any particular song , or wearing any particular piece of clothing even if it did come from her.


So yeah , please try to look at this scenario a little more like "not a horror story" and less like "the evil shedevil who tried to rip his heart out".

 

[Atom Smasher]

@Atom:
I haven't made a decision yet , and what I've stated is that your comment seems based on an assertion that I am much more emotionally involved in this than I actually am.
Maybe you're right. You probably are , but saying : "I feel there is nothing to be gained by meeting. I've moved on. I wish you all the best" after more than a year suggests the opposite. It feels uncalled for and immature. Also a bit butthurt.
That's my opinion.

So yeah , please try to look at this scenario a little more like "not a horror story" and less like "the evil shedevil who tried to rip his heart out".

Look at the title of your thread: "Terrified of Meeting With Ex. Pls Help"

You're emotionally involved enough to feel terrified, and to write a post about it here.

If it has been more than a year since you've talked to her, just go NC. Why are you even in a position to be worried about it. Like I said, you are making a mistake to use this as a way to face your fear.

It's so simple - Forget about her and move on.

 

[Cremasta]

Ok, so it looks like the consensus here is that you've got nothing to gain by meeting her, and I personally agree with it.

Maybe it's out of some sense of obligation that you seem to think you should still meet her... doesn't matter. Here's what you do:

1. Make sure the meet up is somewhere busy, either with lots of people around, or where you'll have to do something (yes, like an action date - if you can't enjoy who you're with, enjoy what you're doing).
2. Give her a time up front that you have to leave, and stick to it. Don't let the day drag out. Unless she's hitting you up for a booty call, it doesn't sound like this is going to be a lot of fun for you.

Good luck

 

[JoeMarron]

Here's what's going to happen; you're gonna meet her, re-catch feelings for her and all that sh!t that you went through during the breakup is going to come rushing back. You may even end up doing something stupid because you're so terrified of meeting her. Until you can look at the prospect of meeting her with little emotion then you aren't ready to meet her. Every single person including people older, wiser, and more experienced than you has told you not to meet her. The fact that you're still trying to rationalize why you should meet her is even more proof that you're not completely over her. Don't do it. Who gives a fvck if she thinks you're still bitter or butthurt.

 

[Cheeks]

Mate, do not meet her.. I broke up with my ex last year.. I thought I was emotionally over my ex and recently met her, thinking it would prove to myself how over her I was. The problem is your ex's are a part of your deep psyche and they can easily trigger something from it that you didn't expect. It could pull out some of your past AFC attributes and make you feel pretty rubbish for a while after the meeting. There is no good that will come from it. My ex started talking about her current boyfriend not going so well and how she is getting all this attention at work and how her boss is really nice, she even lightly flirted with me.. she pretty much stated she is shopping for a new boyfriend while still in a relationship. It threw me off as I trusted her a lot in our relationship but now I was seeing this other side of her and how disrespectful she is to her current boyfriend and how she was probably doing the same when I was with her. It brought out all the AFC things I did in our relationship and made my emotions regress. An ex can easily pull out some old parts of your character and that is very negative if you have worked hard to develop your character since the break up. I should never of met her and my inner voice was pretty much screaming at me to not meet her, but I didn't listen. Cut her out, keep improving and don't look back, it has been said time and time again that NC is the way especially if it was someone you have an AFC past with. Life is a transient journey, allow things to come into your life and know when to let them leave your life. Each experience changes you but don't get caught in an old loop.

I agree with this guy. Why even entertain the chance of screwing up your progress? You're not gonna gain anything from meeting her. She's not the same loving girl you knew, she's just a vicious ego now, remember that.