Taking The Next Step....

[321 I'm The Bomb]

Alright guys I need some help here. I've been seeing a girl for quite a few months now amongst a couple of others but this one just seems to be right for me and I'd like to take thigs further. I am pretty sure she feels the same but she seems a little wary of getting into a relationship. I am not sure if this is becasue I said early on that I wasn't looking for a relationship and like being single (I was putting on a bit of bravado!). She is quite strong and independant and I am worried if I tell her I'd like to take things further that she might back right away. How should I handle this, should I be upfront and tell her I'd like to try taking things a step further or should I keep trying to work on her and make her fall for me and let her do the asking? I don't know if this will work as I doubt her pride will let her ask me. I'd really appreciate any help and will be willing to fill you in on any more details if you think it will help you help me.
Thanks.

 

[SexPDX]

Without asking you to explain the situation more, the best I can do is to suggest that she doesn't know that you are into her. Usually when someone says "Right now, I am not looking for a relationship" it means they're not into you so it's not unreasonable for her to be managing her own expectations of the relationship.

Now that you ARE into her and it has been a period of months since you have been seeing each other it is time to let her know you are into her. Whether that means TELLING her or doing something else to let her know, I'll leave that up to you.

-PDX

 

[DJ_Dork]

It's been a couple months already and you two seem to be cool with each other. Go ahead and spill your feelings, if she's into you by this point she might not turn around and think you're desperate. If anything it might increase her security with you.

However, people who use falsely use "I'm not looking for a girl/boyfriend" or "not a relationship, etc" can get bitten back for their deception if it was intended.

 

[321 I'm The Bomb]

Thanks for the advice guys. I certainly didn't use the "I'm not looking for a relationship" line to decieve as at the time I'd just come out of a 3yr relationship and wanted some time to be single and get back to my old self. I think I'll take the plunge and tell her I'd like to take things further. Any other advice?

 

[Barbillus]

I would advise against telling her you wan't to take it to the next level.
Unless the girl is extremely shy and passive I would suggest not telling her you want to go to the next level. Let her bring it up first and this usually happens after you ahve been banging this chick for a while because whether or not you have ahd sex plays a big key in this. The vast majority of women do not become emotionally attached to a man until they have had sex with him. Once they do this, they usually bring up the concept going exclusive first. At least that is what I have seen first hand and read about on this forum.

Hope this helps.

 

[321 I'm The Bomb]

Hmm, thanks for the advice there Barbillus. I like your thinking. She isn't shy and passive at all so I probably do need to see if she is interested in having sex with me again and often. When we first met we slept together a few times but the past few months we haven't, mianly due to both of us being busy or struck down with illness. I don't like her to think I am only interested in her for sex as well so I sometimes don't make a move on her. Is this right or wrong?

 

[Skweints]

I'd have to say it's wrong. You shouldn't worry about not making her think you're after her just for sex. Why should it matter? If you're game is up, then she'll always look foward to the sex, because you keep her in that mood. Most of the time women start to think "Oh, he just wants me for the sex." is because they're used to dealing with "Jerks" who use them for nothing but sex. They'll take 'em out cause they think that's what they're supposed to do, show them a somewhat decent time (maybe), and go back home and insist on sex. If you still take her out and show her a GOOD time (where she grins from ear to ear at least a FEW times), then you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

So my question to you is, how do you plan about trying to "see" if she's interested in having sex with you and often?

And do NOT tell her your feelings. You're the man. You have to lead her to you. She's smart enough to figure out where to go from there.

 

[321 I'm The Bomb]

Originally posted by Skweints
So my question to you is, how do you plan about trying to "see" if she's interested in having sex with you and often?

That is the hard one! I have no idea at this stage. I need to have a sit down and think about this. Thanks to everyone for their input so far, keep it coming.

 

[DeepBlue]

Originally posted by SexPDX
Usually when someone says "Right now, I am not looking for a relationship" it means they're not into you.

But remember that women are careful creatures and a woman will sometimes tell a guy that she "isn't looking for a relationship right now" simply because she is convinced that most ment are commitment phobes and LTR-phobes, and so she thinks that this comment will reassure him by letting him know that she isn't going to try to rope him into anything. At the same time she figures that if he does want a relationship then her comment serves as a bit of a challenge, and women expect that guys will be drawn to challenges. Of course your interpretation is perfectly valid too, I just wanted to point out the two other possibilities.

DeepBlue

 

[penkitten]

girl says, "lets take the next step" = "i want a relationship"

 

[SexPDX]

Originally posted by DeepBlue
But remember that women are careful creatures and a woman will sometimes tell a guy that she "isn't looking for a relationship right now" simply because she is convinced that most ment are commitment phobes and LTR-phobes, and so she thinks that this comment will reassure him by letting him know that she isn't going to try to rope him into anything.

Thanks or pointing this out, definitely worth mentioning.

As I think you mentioned on the phone earlier today, my interpretation doesn't cover all cases of expressing the "not looking for a relationship right now" position. However, I think it does cover the case of 3,2,1's situation. Women expressing this in the hopes of not alarming LTR/commitment-phobic men is more likely to be the case if it is said to someone they just met rather than someone they have been seeing for some time.

-PDX