Sticky situation - need some advice

[Myrrdin]

Girl goes out with deeply friendzoned male who will NEVER get to **** her
Boyfriend leaves her

Oh dear. Over-reacting much?

It's not about the guy. It's about her and her attitude. This is the first time, but don't worry, more will follow. If she would have gotten away with it she would have continued to go on dates with other men in the future.

 

[Noodles]

Girl goes out with deeply friendzoned male who will NEVER get to **** her
Boyfriend leaves her

Oh dear. Over-reacting much?

Says the guy that's begging some girl to get out of a relationship so he can have her. If you could have...you would have.

For the last time. Girls have two kinds of male friends. Those they won't sleep with. And those they will or have. If you don't know which you come under then you're in the latter category.

No woman I've ever met goes out with guy friend she doesn't want to sleep with (or hasn't previously and is hoping for a repeat) unless it's with her boyfriend, or other friends. One on one? Really?

Seriously MurdocNiccals...you can't be that dumb...

Now...with me...I don't like to get into 'exclusive relationships' - they cause too many problem and I've got too many issues. In a non 'exclusive relationship' I wouldn't care about this. In an 'exclusive' one it would be over.

Only reason anyone puts up with stuff like that (man or woman) is they're afraid they won't find anyone else. Which mean's they're a p*ssy and they're in in for fear. Nice.

 

[Pierce]

Cudos for you actually doing the right thing. Believe me it is for the best. I wish I had the balls to listen to some of these guys advice when I was in a painful situation.

 

[MurdocNiccals]

No woman I've ever met goes out with guy friend she doesn't want to sleep with (or hasn't previously and is hoping for a repeat) unless it's with her boyfriend, or other friends. One on one? Really?

Actually it happens a lot in the real world. Really. It's not even uncommon, it happens quite often.

Girls do have two kinds of male friends, but it's not quite how you think. There are actually girls who do not have sex outside relationships too. It's not very common to be honest, but there are definitely girls like that.

If you are thinking of the typical club slut/hot cheerleader, well of course, that does not apply, and most girls DO have sex outside relationships.

Going by the OP's post it seems as though the guy is the typical niceguy who's obviously friendzoned. She even told OP about it. She was not going to do anything with the guy. It was bad of her to do it when OP clearly was upset by it, but it was an overreaction to fret over some friendzoned beta.

 

[betheman]

"Girls do have two kinds of male friends, but it's not quite how you think. There are actually girls who do not have sex outside relationships too. It's not very common to be honest, but there are definitely girls like that."

and this girl isnt one of them!
she admits she made a mistake, why?guilt? for what? she may not have had sex with him, but she put herself ina position that made that possible, she put herself in direct fire of temptation and told her BF about it and wouldnt back down!
he has doen the right thing, if she got away with this, what next?

 

[cordoncordon]

Actually it happens a lot in the real world. Really. It's not even uncommon, it happens quite often.

Girls do have two kinds of male friends, but it's not quite how you think. There are actually girls who do not have sex outside relationships too. It's not very common to be honest, but there are definitely girls like that.

If you are thinking of the typical club slut/hot cheerleader, well of course, that does not apply, and most girls DO have sex outside relationships.

Going by the OP's post it seems as though the guy is the typical niceguy who's obviously friendzoned. She even told OP about it. She was not going to do anything with the guy. It was bad of her to do it when OP clearly was upset by it, but it was an overreaction to fret over some friendzoned beta.

You obviously didn't read my story I told in this thread about what happened to me 10 years ago. For a girl to still go out with a guy, even after the bf has told her he doesn't want her too, trust me the only reason a girl would still go out with him is if she thought of the new guy in a romantic light.

What really gets me is she still went out with this guy, after you told her not to, and she wasn't even the guys first girl to take! Wasn't the OP's girl a fill in? I mean wtf???? Either she has lost all interest in the OP and just didn't care, or she has had the hots for this guy all along. But yeah wow, what a low life, to risk a relationship when you aren't even the guys first choice to take.

Now, as far as the OP. If, and I say IF you decide to forgive this girl at some point and try to make it work again sometime down the line, and if she is actually still interested in trying things, this is your shot to get total power/hand, and dominate her like she has never been dominated. I can't recommend going back with her, but you could have some fun, and how knows, maybe this really will teach her a lesson. First, make sure she didn't F the guy. Then, go at least a few days, if not a few weeks, of NC. I can promise you she'll be blowing up your phone, email, coming over, etc. Then when you do talk to her, act nonchalant. Act like you are just fine, and that taking her back is a take it or leave it situation for you. Make her beg. Make her degrade herself. Make her realize just how badly she fvcked up.

And then see how your feelings are about everything. You are going to miss her badly these next few weeks. Like a death in the family. But realize you did the one thing I didn't in my similar situation. I stayed with my ex, giving her the power. You proactively struck and ended things, so right now, she has no one, and she is thinking "damn, my ex really is a bad ass, hmmm, I kinda like that".

 

[Zunder]

The girl I had oneitis with throughout 2010 came to my place for new years 09/10 for a barbeque/cookout.
I remember her saying "don't know if I should as I have a bf" (he was out of town for the holidays.
I told her "don't over react we are just friends".
So she came.
A few weeks later I fvucked her (as I intended to do all along).
She was a cvnt. So was I - but it was me who ended up with the oneitis.

A male "friend" of your GF (if he isn't gay) ALWAYS wants to fvck your GF - never ever ever ever doubt it.

Youd did the right thing by dumping her..... but I feel your pain.

 

[epic_barrels]

hey guys, thanks for the support here. i am going to use this thread to vent when I need.
i read some posts about overreation on my part. I honestly feel this had to be done. what was my other option?? i dont feel like playing stupid games and messing around with other girls to get back at her.

what if this girl goes through the hoops to try to get me back? i think she is going to as she has already been blowing up my phone crying..etc say she made the biggest mistake in her life etc..
but i also know it is coming out of pure emotion as she realizes i had to balls to leave her a.ss.
im just really fn confused right now and hurting pretty badly. i guess i have to take things day by day..

 

[theunflushables]

You didn't overreact. You did the right thing.

Remember in a majority of opposite sex friendships one of them is secretly attracted to the other. I'm not saying your girl was necessarily attracted to this guy, but if she is decently good looking you sure as hell know he is. And why allow yourself to be put into a situation like that?

 

[Atom Smasher]

hey guys, thanks for the support here. i am going to use this thread to vent when I need.
i read some posts about overreation on my part. I honestly feel this had to be done. what was my other option?? i dont feel like playing stupid games and messing around with other girls to get back at her.

what if this girl goes through the hoops to try to get me back? i think she is going to as she has already been blowing up my phone crying..etc say she made the biggest mistake in her life etc..
but i also know it is coming out of pure emotion as she realizes i had to balls to leave her a.ss.
im just really fn confused right now and hurting pretty badly. i guess i have to take things day by day..

Epic, trust me, you're not going through this alone. Most of us have been through this before and we know that you are not just words on a page, but rather that there is a real man behind these words who did a hard (but very right) thing and is now suffering. We definitely relate and empathize.

You need to stay strong and keep her where she is right now, because you made a very astute observation - She will say anything in the emotion of the moment, and you need to see how she acts when the emotion dies down and she starts to come to terms with the consequences of her actions. In other words, when she stops feeling and starts thinking.

One thing is for sure... she didn't respect you before, but she respects your ass now. If you cave right now because of her begging, crying, and all the other feminine wiles a girl unleashes in order to soften our hearts, that newfound respect will go in the toilet.

Hang tough right now. We're here to help you through it. It's going to be tough, but you have no idea yet of the personal growth and SELF-RESPECT that you are going to reap as a result of this. You've already earned the respect of many of us on this forum.

 

[Die Hard]

what if this girl goes through the hoops to try to get me back? i think she is going to as she has already been blowing up my phone crying..etc say she made the biggest mistake in her life etc..
but i also know it is coming out of pure emotion as she realizes i had to balls to leave her a.ss.
im just really fn confused right now and hurting pretty badly. i guess i have to take things day by day..

Like I said, your emotions will cloud your judgement. Your head knows what is right, what is true. It shows in your observation that she's just acting out of pure emotion, blowing up your phone... Only, your feelings and desire wanna stay oblivious to these observations, they'll try to overrule your head and it's rational observations.

With all due respect to other people here, like cordoncordon, do not play with the thought of giving her another shot in the future. Cordon's advice is misplaced, you are not going to be able to play the game he hinted at, coz this girl has gotten to your feelings too much. If your idea of her was that she's just a piece of azz you want to ride and dump afterwards, you'd have the appropriate attitude to play that game. But you don't...and you will get hurt even more if you decide to give this girl another chance.

Seriously, there is only one reason why I'd ever recommend you to give this girl another chance. That reason being, you would get yourself into more trouble and hurt and it will teach you a harsh lesson which will prevent you from making this mistake ever again. But that would be a shame, coz many other guys (myself included) have learned this lesson the hard way already. You can benefit from our experience and don't need to go through the same mistake...

This girl has gotten ahold of your feelings, I know exactly how you feel right now, been there a million times. I also know that in this situation, even playing with the thought of giving her another chance in the future, is a big mistake. You won't be able to get though this and keep your back straight, you will cave in and respond to her attempts to get you back, you will come back from your decision... That is, unless you don't allow yourself to play with the thought of giving her another chance and other thoughts like that. You're in the danger zone of coming back at your decision, as long as you stay in this "I feel hurt...I need her..." mood. It's lke a drug addict going thorugh the phase of withdrawal, feeling huge anxiety, sweating, headaches, nausea etc. This is the danger zone, where he's constantly tempted to come back at his decision of quitting the drug. Only after he makes it through this phase, while resisting the temptation, will he be in safe waters. If he allows himself thoughts like: "Maybe I can take a shot again after I got rid of this addiction..." he will sabotage himself.Soon enough he'll think "I can take a shot after I got rid of my addiction. But I will get rid of my addiciton anyway, I promised myself and I know I will!! So I might as well take that shot now, I already made it 2 days without the drug so I'll just continue that after I take the shot." Etc. etc. your mind will play tricks on you and before you know it you'll be in an emotional texting conversation with this girl again, wondering what happened to your "resolve". Really, the urge creeps up on you without you even knowing it, you just suddenly find yourself back in communications with her, as if someone else took control of your hands and picked up the phone to call/text her.

No thoughts of giving her another chance, no thoughts of getting back with her after you've dissattached yourself from her enough, no thoughts of getting back with her after she proves that she got the message. NO SUCH THOUGHTS AT ALL!

You'll know when your approaching safe waters when your "I feel hurt...I need her..." mood makes place for anger. Right now your response to her actions is "Boohoo, why did you go through with it? I'm so sad now..." but if all things go well, your response will become "You bitch! You thought you could fvck me over like this?! Drown in your own sorrow, you deserve it... GO **** YOURSELF!!"

Really, the sooner your anger takes over, the better. You'll be okay after that.

 

[cordoncordon]

I'm curious as to what she said about all this.

What has she said they did on the date?

Why did she go on the date even though you told her not a good idea?

Did the guy try and make a move on her?

Are there other things that have happened that led up to this? What is their relationship at work?

What is she saying now as for what she wants to do to make it up to you?

What did she say when you broke up with her?

 

[SamoJednom]

I'm curious as to what she said about all this.

What has she said they did on the date?

Why did she go on the date even though you told her not a good idea?

Did the guy try and make a move on her?

Are there other things that have happened that led up to this? What is their relationship at work?

What is she saying now as for what she wants to do to make it up to you?

What did she say when you broke up with her?

I am fairly curious about this as well, but don't ask her until much later if you already have not during the break up.

Epic_Barrels:

We know you are hurting friend, many of us have gone through the same issue as you have, but you have to be strong and stick with what you have decided. Spend time with your friends and have fun with them, go out and have fun.

Right now you have two options for moving forward:

1). You forget this girl totally and start hitting up the other girls that are interested in you

or

2). If you actually maybe want to ever work things out with this girl, then follow what cordoncordon said a few posts up as to how to gain control/power/respect in the relationship.

The last thing you want to do right now is take her back/forgive her. She made the mistake, not you. Take your time, initiate NC, be aloof/indifferent about her and after things calm down next few days/a week, so how her emotions/feelings change and then act.

 

[epic_barrels]

I'm curious as to what she said about all this.

What has she said they did on the date?

Why did she go on the date even though you told her not a good idea?

Did the guy try and make a move on her?

Are there other things that have happened that led up to this? What is their relationship at work?

What is she saying now as for what she wants to do to make it up to you?

What did she say when you broke up with her?

They went to a play. She texted me once and called me once when they were out. I ignored both. She also said she knew she should've been there the minute she sat down in that theater..

After breaking down crying, she said she went because she felt "controlled" and used to be in a relationship where she was pushed around a lot. She said she told herself she would never be like that again. I told her I was in no way trying to control her and she agreed and said it was a stupid reason.

but I don't buy it this whole story. I look at it like this.
She should've wanted to be with me on saturday night to begin with. If this was the case, she would've been and this whole stupid thing would've never happened. She keeps claiming this dude is nothing more than just a friend.

im telling you, the sh!t came out of left field. she has been absolutely crazy about me and has made being with her the easiest situation I have ever had due to her interest level. Now this.

Women are pure f'd up creatures.
day 2 of NC for me..it's brutal.

thanks again guys

 

[cordoncordon]

They went to a play. She texted me once and called me once when they were out. I ignored both. She also said she knew she should've been there the minute she sat down in that theater..

After breaking down crying, she said she went because she felt "controlled" and used to be in a relationship where she was pushed around a lot. She said she told herself she would never be like that again. I told her I was in no way trying to control her and she agreed and said it was a stupid reason.

but I don't buy it this whole story. I look at it like this.
She should've wanted to be with me on saturday night to begin with. If this was the case, she would've been and this whole stupid thing would've never happened. She keeps claiming this dude is nothing more than just a friend.

im telling you, the sh!t came out of left field. she has been absolutely crazy about me and has made being with her the easiest situation I have ever had due to her interest level. Now this.

Women are pure f'd up creatures.
day 2 of NC for me..it's brutal.

thanks again guys

Keep being strong. Yeah to me it sounds like a mixture of her probably having "something" for this guy, no matter how small, her being mad at you for whatever reason, and her own fvcked up woman emotions. Even my own gf, who is about as sane and rationale as I have met for a woman, can have a time, usually about every 2 months for a day or so, where you just KNOW she is looking to create some kind of drama, just to feel that rush that women need emotionally. I have asked her about this, and she really can offer no rationale explanation. They just do it.

Obviously she knew it was wrong to do. So for her to still go ever after she had so much time to reevaluate beforehand and listen to your feelings, that portends of a deeper issue going on, whatever that is. Either some issue she has with you, or she has a thing for this guy.

Keep going NC, wait until she totally breaks down, and she will, and then see how you feel then.

 

[Die Hard]

After breaking down crying, she said she went because she felt "controlled" and used to be in a relationship where she was pushed around a lot.

And so a red flag appears... What a surprise...

Actually, I consider the very image you've given us about her and your relationship with her, as a red flag. The girl shows too much IL, you've had to do too little maintenance on her and this relationship, things appear almost too good to be true.

And that (things appearing too good to be true) is a classic red flag, which is tied to BPD's and other cluster B nutcases...

I feel there are maaaaany more red flags to this girl which you haven't mentioned in this thread yet. Perhaps you haven't mentioned them because you simply haven't noticed them yourself yet... Like I said before, you focuss on each and every behavior of her that confirms that she is what you want/need her to be, not on anything that confirms the opposite, coz it would burst your bubble.

Keep telling us about her, slowly but surely you'll come to realize just how much your view of her differs from what she really is...

 

[Jitterbug]

After breaking down crying, she said she went because she felt "controlled" and used to be in a relationship where she was pushed around a lot.

Where have I heard this before?

Oh yeah, from women who are used to get the jerk treatment and are surprised & impatient that you haven't treated them the way they're so used to. She was trying to make you "control" her. Red Flag.

You did the right thing, mate. Now stay strong, stay NC.

 

[epic_barrels]

man, i am really having a hard night. we are having a blizzard here in the northeast and i am stuck here all alone..i've been jamming on my guitar non stop to keep sane.

i haven't heard from her. I am wondering if she is trying to respect my wishes of not talking to her. I know there will be a meltdown soon though and she will contact me. I am mentally preparing myself for it.

The weak part of me who misses the hell out of hell says she just made one stupid decision bla bla bla..Do I really need to throw everything away for that if she is truly remorseful?

The other part of me is very angry and want to say f the whole thing and start moving on.

I know I did the right thing..I'm just riding the wave of pain and confusion to peace in my mind..

 

[epic_barrels]

man, i am really having a hard night. we are having a blizzard here in the northeast and i am stuck here all alone..i've been jamming on my guitar non stop to keep sane.

i haven't heard from her. I am wondering if she is trying to respect my wishes of not talking to her. I know there will be a meltdown soon though and she will contact me. I am mentally preparing myself for it.

The weak part of me who misses the hell out of hell says she just made one stupid decision bla bla bla..Do I really need to throw everything away for that if she is truly remorseful?

The other part of me is very angry and want to say f the whole thing and start moving on.

I know I did the right thing..I'm just riding the wave of pain and confusion to peace in my mind..

 

[cordoncordon]

man, i am really having a hard night. we are having a blizzard here in the northeast and i am stuck here all alone..i've been jamming on my guitar non stop to keep sane.

i haven't heard from her. I am wondering if she is trying to respect my wishes of not talking to her. I know there will be a meltdown soon though and she will contact me. I am mentally preparing myself for it.

The weak part of me who misses the hell out of hell says she just made one stupid decision bla bla bla..Do I really need to throw everything away for that if she is truly remorseful?

The other part of me is very angry and want to say f the whole thing and start moving on.

I know I did the right thing..I'm just riding the wave of pain and confusion to peace in my mind..

Be strong. Everytime you start to feel weak, just remember how angry you were when she went ahead on the "date" even though you told her not to. Total disrespect.