Sticking Point - Getting a girl, but losing her

[Phrost]

It's been a long while since I first discovered this world of seduction. If not for the wealth of knowledge and advice from the DJ community, I would have tragically lived as an AFC and attempted to win girls over by laying down and inviting them to walk over me.

Fortunately, I understood and adopted the core concepts of "improving myself on all fronts", "being of value", "confidence-fun(ny)", "kino/physical escalation" etc., and had varying levels of success and a number of mid-term relationships.

Hence, I'm not a PUA or even a DJ in the strictest sense. Simply a man working on himself, enjoying female companionships and seeking to maintain one for the long-term.

However, an inability to keep my girl through a very similar scenario/crisis has become a pattern through the years. Let me first preface that I understand the "game" never ends, and it is my duty to always remain interesting etc. Additionally, I also grant my girlfriends reasonable "space" and avoid displaying signs of jealousy. So, here's the setup:

- Attractive (looks or personality) guy who has no qualms about hitting on a publicly attached girl shows up in our lives.

- My girlfriend entertains his interest

- I notice, appear unfazed, but tighten my game (improving whatever I can on MYSELF and garner new female attention to keep my value up)

- Most times, my girlfriend ends the flirting at this point and returns firmly back to our relationship. No harm done, I understand the dating world is about seeking the best mate.

- Tragically, sometimes it does not end here and eventually leads to our break-up. Here's how:

- Flirting (emotional cheating?) in various form continues, and one day a situation that I feel has crossed the line occurs. Since me and my girlfriend are in a mutually agreed exclusive relationship, I expect her to respect us, me and herself. Therefore I call her on it, and her response is either denial or apology.

- Either case, it doesn't matter. I will always step back for awhile (a week or 2), because from my perspective, she has to understand consequences follows if she doesn't know how to respect and behave.

- On reflection, I realised this step might be my undoing. I might appear to be "sulking" (thin line, but AFC behaviour) and worse of all, opening up more opportunities for the other guy.

- One of two things happen then. 1.) We get back together, and our relationship improves through time, until the next guy appears and the scenario repeats. 2.) Our relationship plateaus, we break off and she either gets on with, or more commonly, not with the other guy.

- I know that a "cold war" or break-up doesn't end the "game", at this point I would usually engage myself in a new pursuit and/or girls, and this would eventually reach her through friends or photos. So yes, sometimes the girlfriend realises her loss and attemps to reconcile, but by then, the memories of our relationship has already been tarnished, and my pride forbids me to return. I don't feel she's worth it or that there would be any future.

 

[Phrost]

This might not be all that bad. With time, a new attractive girl would come along, I would date her, win her and eventually enter a new relationship. Great, except that I never (so far) get to keep her.

This has happened with my past 3 relationships, and there's definitely I can improve on. But what? I've re-read the DJBible and also searched through some threads here, and one revelation that stood out was "You became beta at one point, and the concept of losing you is no longer deterrant enough to not entertain the attention of the new alpha".

I admit that is true and I don't have the tightest game around, but I'm reasonably good-looking person, dress well (complimented on that), have a good future, kind (not an ahole), and balance our relationship with time on her but also time on myself/life. However in a LTR, I can't be perpetually "mysterious" or C&F you know what I mean, although I do spring some surprises, push-pull abit and keep the zest in our relationship.

Sometimes this leads me to think that the girls I game through DJ approaches (funny, push-pull, be of value and make her win me) are simply wired to be constantly requiring such behaviours, and there will always be someone else out there. He doesn't even need to have superior game, just be fun enough to distract her for a moment from the familiar me (however "fun" I am, I'm still someone she's been with for months/years).

Another advice is from a DJ newsletter I remembered, that says to get *her* to invest in our relationship. I always do: money, time, family and even her virginity. Hence, there are genuine (lasting) displays of loss a long time after we break-up, but my point is, since we've broken up, usually on a bitter note, the damage is done.

I am trying to prevent the issue from spiralling to that end in the first place, but have struggled through 3 such failures. The third and latest one, is recent, and we've broken up. She's been initiating contact but I only respond sporadically. From my understanding, she's not going out with "the other guy" but their flirting continues to my knowledge as well.

Yes, she's testing if I'll tolerate the current situation and still get back with her, but I've shown clearly it's a no. Women don't make sense, she knows why I left her, but isn't stopping her mistake and concetrate on getting me back, but is neither getting on with that guy as well.

Could you fellow DJs offer your advice and external perspective? I'm guessing there are probably elusive obvious mistakes and/or solutions that I am missing because of my own emotional attachments. Thank you.

 

[Brighty]

However in a LTR, I can't be perpetually "mysterious" or C&F you know what I mean, although I do spring some surprises, push-pull abit and keep the zest in our relationship.

Sometimes this leads me to think that the girls I game through DJ approaches (funny, push-pull, be of value and make her win me) are simply wired to be constantly requiring such behaviours, and there will always be someone else out there. He doesn't even need to have superior game, just be fun enough to distract her for a moment from the familiar me (however "fun" I am, I'm still someone she's been with for months/years).

That's a bingo!

This is the reason why I don't date girls that I feel like I have to "game" to win over (much in the same way I avoid getting into relationships with girls I meet at bars/clubs). These girls are simple-minded pleasure seekers with the "do what feels good and then try to justify it later" attitude. Rather, I choose girls that I really feel I vibe with that gets me at a deeper level than most. Forget the negging, forget the C&F/mysteriousness, forget the "tricks", drop the bull**** and find a human being you really connect with that likes you for you.

Think about it - you show up in her life, demonstrate value, all the other bull**** we learn, and sweep her off her feet. She thinks you're the ****, and okay that's all well and good. You can keep up the alpha attitude and all that for a while but over the course of the relationship, especially the longer it lasts, it becomes impossible to remain completely congruent to that. She's going to eventually see you when you're vulnerable, when you're down and you have a moment of weakness. And you know what? That's life, it happens to everyone. The difference is how she responds to it, if you found someone who really and genuinely cares about you she will be understanding and help you through it because that's what a relationship is about. A **** girl will subconsciously think less of you for it, despite if you may have helped her with something similar in the past. So along comes some other guy and sweeps her off her feet - because when compared to you he seems like he's perfect and unmovable (ironically she just hasn't known him long enough) and the vicious cycle continues until she's 40 years old, washed up, and settling for some chode.

Also, in the future, if that ever happens again, you need to take that guy aside in private and just lay it out for him "Look, man-to-man, that's my girl and I'd appreciate it if you backed off". If he doesn't, beat the piss out of him. Don't tolerate that ****. And try not to miss her too much, you may miss the relationship and the comfort of having a girlfriend, but in all fairness you did yourself a huge favor in the long run.

 

[Energy25]

That's a bingo!

This is the reason why I don't date girls that I feel like I have to "game" to win over (much in the same way I avoid getting into relationships with girls I meet at bars/clubs). These girls are simple-minded pleasure seekers with the "do what feels good and then try to justify it later" attitude. Rather, I choose girls that I really feel I vibe with that gets me at a deeper level than most. Forget the negging, forget the C&F/mysteriousness, forget the "tricks", drop the bull**** and find a human being you really connect with that likes you for you.

Think about it - you show up in her life, demonstrate value, all the other bull**** we learn, and sweep her off her feet. She thinks you're the ****, and okay that's all well and good. You can keep up the alpha attitude and all that for a while but over the course of the relationship, especially the longer it lasts, it becomes impossible to remain completely congruent to that. She's going to eventually see you when you're vulnerable, when you're down and you have a moment of weakness. And you know what? That's life, it happens to everyone. The difference is how she responds to it, if you found someone who really and genuinely cares about you she will be understanding and help you through it because that's what a relationship is about. A **** girl will subconsciously think less of you for it, despite if you may have helped her with something similar in the past. So along comes some other guy and sweeps her off her feet - because when compared to you he seems like he's perfect and unmovable (ironically she just hasn't known him long enough) and the vicious cycle continues until she's 40 years old, washed up, and settling for some chode.

Also, in the future, if that ever happens again, you need to take that guy aside in private and just lay it out for him "Look, man-to-man, that's my girl and I'd appreciate it if you backed off". If he doesn't, beat the piss out of him. Don't tolerate that ****. And try not to miss her too much, you may miss the relationship and the comfort of having a girlfriend, but in all fairness you did yourself a huge favor in the long run.

Best post I've ever read on this site by far. Far too many people here seem to be focused on superficial bull****.

 

[bitteorca]

That's a bingo!

This is the reason why I don't date girls that I feel like I have to "game" to win over (much in the same way I avoid getting into relationships with girls I meet at bars/clubs). These girls are simple-minded pleasure seekers with the "do what feels good and then try to justify it later" attitude. Rather, I choose girls that I really feel I vibe with that gets me at a deeper level than most. Forget the negging, forget the C&F/mysteriousness, forget the "tricks", drop the bull**** and find a human being you really connect with that likes you for you.

Think about it - you show up in her life, demonstrate value, all the other bull**** we learn, and sweep her off her feet. She thinks you're the ****, and okay that's all well and good. You can keep up the alpha attitude and all that for a while but over the course of the relationship, especially the longer it lasts, it becomes impossible to remain completely congruent to that. She's going to eventually see you when you're vulnerable, when you're down and you have a moment of weakness. And you know what? That's life, it happens to everyone. The difference is how she responds to it, if you found someone who really and genuinely cares about you she will be understanding and help you through it because that's what a relationship is about. A **** girl will subconsciously think less of you for it, despite if you may have helped her with something similar in the past. So along comes some other guy and sweeps her off her feet - because when compared to you he seems like he's perfect and unmovable (ironically she just hasn't known him long enough) and the vicious cycle continues until she's 40 years old, washed up, and settling for some chode.

Also, in the future, if that ever happens again, you need to take that guy aside in private and just lay it out for him "Look, man-to-man, that's my girl and I'd appreciate it if you backed off". If he doesn't, beat the piss out of him. Don't tolerate that ****. And try not to miss her too much, you may miss the relationship and the comfort of having a girlfriend, but in all fairness you did yourself a huge favor in the long run.

I agree with this post. Why would you want a LTR where you basically have to be someone you're not? Why would you even want to be someone you're not? Gaming techniques, at least IMO, probably work for getting laid, but you can't pretend to be someone you're not in a LTR. And if you have to, why are you even with her?! I was in a LTR and I showed signs of weakness of course, due to me being human. I was overall confident and led the show, but that was just me, I didn't try to do this, it just happened. She didn't want to leave me in the moments of weakness, because she loved me for who I was.

I think in conclusion - be yourself, who wouldn't want to?! If looking for casual sex, use game to pick up. Just my thoughts anyway

 

[Phrost]

Thanks Brighty and bitteorca for your inputs.

I fully agree, which is why I've called my girlfriends on their disrepect and dumped them in the past 3 relationships.

However, the core question that bugs me after repeated experiences is:

As a DJ in an exclusive relationship, when your girlfriend entertains an AMOG attention, and eventually crosses the line (i.e. public flirting etc. NOT sex), is the best available option simply to call her on it, step back and eventually break-up if she doesn't correct her behaviour?

This what I've done, because I believe in the core DJ principle: respect myself, someone else will come along etc., but from another perspective, it's almost like giving my girlfriend up on a platter.

Yes I know, if she's not a part-(w)hore, she wouldn't continue entertaining the attention after I clearly expressed my displeasure.

However, as the exclusive boyfriend, should I be re-gaming her to her a certain extent? I've been avoiding that because I feel it's a sign of desperation, since we're already couple and she's disrepecting our relationship by emotionally straying.

But, am I taking it to the other extreme by simply uping the ante, going round other girls and ignoring her and the issue?

 

[bitteorca]

Thanks Brighty and bitteorca for your inputs.

I fully agree, which is why I've called my girlfriends on their disrepect and dumped them in the past 3 relationships.

However, the core question that bugs me after repeated experiences is:

As a DJ in an exclusive relationship, when your girlfriend entertains an AMOG attention, and eventually crosses the line (i.e. public flirting etc. NOT sex), is the best available option simply to call her on it, step back and eventually break-up if she doesn't correct her behaviour?

This what I've done, because I believe in the core DJ principle: respect myself, someone else will come along etc., but from another perspective, it's almost like giving my girlfriend up on a platter.

Yes I know, if she's not a part-(w)hore, she wouldn't continue entertaining the attention after I clearly expressed my displeasure.

However, as the exclusive boyfriend, should I be re-gaming her to her a certain extent? I've been avoiding that because I feel it's a sign of desperation, since we're already couple and she's disrepecting our relationship by emotionally straying.

But, am I taking it to the other extreme by simply uping the ante, going round other girls and ignoring her and the issue?

I would say do what you think best suits yourself. If you pretend to be a non-jealous type this one time, you might succeed, but what about next time? Ask yourself do you really want to be with someone who publicly flirts?! it probably means nothing, but I personally don't go for girls like this, makes them feel less special/less exclusive.

It is a tough one: if you don't call her up on it, are you being a p*ssy and letting her do what she wants?! If you do, are you being a jealous p*ssy?! I don't really know the answer, maybe you would know better since you know yourself better and know your girlfriend better than an anonymous on the internet. I'd just say be confident enough to go with your own decision about it. If it was the wrong choice and she bails, it wasn't meant to be anyway, screw it...next!