Staying friends with your ex

[Credos]

Guys, I know I'm walking on thin ice with this subject, but I'm gonna try it anyway.

A bit of background: I work on a boat, I work 8 weeks in a South America and then I'm 4 weeks home (europe). My ex gf (since last week) lives in a different country than me and it cost me/her about 200$ - 300$ to visit each other. Anyhow I earn enough because I'm doing this job, so to me it's all doable. I had no issues with the 8-4 system, as we see each other about 3 weeks of those 4, then I'm back to work and my mind is just contantly busy with my job (12 hours/day, 6 out 7). That being said, she's a uni-student and so her mind isn't constantly busy. She couldn't deal with me being away for 9 weeks and only seeing me 3 weeks which is quite understandable. So I did expect this to happen before we even started, however she knew I did this job before we started our relationship, but we wanted to give it a shot because we liked each other so much.

When she broke up with me I was quite sad about it, but we both have our own ambitions and I won't quit this job unless I'm ready to do so, which I'm not at the moment (I'm still learning too much). I told her I need some time on my own and that I need to break contact with her for a while, but I was thinking: She didn't do much wrong to me and I completly understand that this is too hard on her to hold out on (she didn't cheat or anything like that). That's why I was thinking maybe we could still be friend in the future (like next year or whenever I'm over her), but then my brain tells me: don't be an idiot, you'll see her, you'll want her, you won't be allowed to and you'll feel like sh*t again. What do you guys think about this? Any of you still friends with ex girlfriends?

PS: she begged me to stay in contact because she knows how easily I let people go (I have to with this job) and she was still in love with me, she just can't deal with this, being unhappy for 9 weeks outta 12.

 

[sodbuster]

SHE has to deal with the FACTS of your job. If she can't,she's GONE. Since you just broke up and it wasn't bitter, keep her on a back burner. IF she should grow up in the future, maybe you can date. Don't need to visit or call her all the time,maybe 3-4 times a year.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I am still on decent terms with all my exes. I think it's immature to refuse to ever talk to your ex again; it says that you are not in control of your emotions, and instead your emotions are controlling you. Once you care about someone, it never fully goes away. Still caring about a woman is not the same as still wanting to be in a relationship with her, though.

 

[scrouds]

Sounds like she might have needed more confort then you were willing to provide her, all things considered.

If you so choose to go this route, keep in contact, roll into town every now and then and tear it up

 

[SecondHalf]

Bible_Belt has it right.

If however, you're having difficulties with controlling your emotions with her ... for now ... just don't do it until you have a different woman on the side. You won't have to deal with loneliness if you choose to see her as a friend later.

SH

 

[The Duke]

You never get past someone if you are still trying to keep one foot in. As sad as it is sometimes, its best for both of you to go on down the road.

I had an ltr ex girlfriend that I broke it off with and when I did it hurt her tremendously.

A few months later I contacted her and we soon turned into friends with benefits. As much as she wanted more she knew she wasn't getting more from me. The friends with benefits relationship was like a wound that would never heal for her. I even found myself second guessing my past actions. Eventually she said no more and we cut it off.

Counselors will tell you to cut ties as well if its weighing you down too much.

Maybe at another point in life when the situation is different, you will meet again.

 

[PeakIV]

sorry don't agree, they should be dead to you.

As someone once said " You can't fight and Fvck and be friends afterwards"

 

[PlayHer Man]

There is no benefit to being friends with an Ex unless you become f*ck buddies. If you don't see that happening.. why waste your precious precious time? There are 3.5 billion women on earth.

Men need to stop being so willing to do everything on a woman's terms. Your feeling are just as legit as hers. But most men act as if the wants/needs of women trump their own.

You can still be on good terms.. but don't put any energy into the maintenance of the relationship. That energy should be spend meeting new women.

Men need to learn to let things go when they have run their course. Clinging to the past is pointless and a massive waste of time.

There are two ways to remove a band-aid: SLOW and painful or FAST and painful. I prefer fast.

 

[Warrior74]

I stay cordial with my ex because of child support. I'm thinking of seducing her to get off of it, but that could be more trouble than it's worth.

 

[Colossus]

Continuing contact can sometimes prolong the healing. In a benign split like this I think it's best to be friendly but not make regular contact. You'll never get over her. And understand she's only going to want to keep contact with you until she has a new man. A soft branch swing, if you will.

 

[MikeOck]

It really depends on the circumstances of the relationship and breakup. Some of my exes I am friendly with and some of them I never speak to, some I'm even friendly with but still we never talk.

That being said I have no problem cutting people out of my life who have shown a lack of regard for my well-being. It is more mature to accept when a relationship, sexual or friendly, is more destructive than positive and to remove it from your life than it is to carry on with it for fear of being seen as immature.

In the end, it is totally up to you whether you want to be friends with her or not. There is no rule that says you can't, but it is almost always a good idea to take some space after the breakup to move on as it is much more difficult to accept the end while you are still in contact.

 

[origin138]

Why not let her go? She's already decided you're not worth the time. She's already decided the distance/time apart is a problem. She keeps clinging to you because she hasn't found a replacement yet. She will have your replacement in short order though, at which point it's unlikely you'll hear from her again, unless she needs something from you be it financial or emotional.

 

[Don_Dom]

The several times I've attempted it, remaining in contact with ex'es, much less friends, has xaused nothing but problems. YEARS LATER, as in many many girlfriends and a relationship or two later, it MAY be possible to have an actual healthy friendship, but short of that you are only holding yourself back, stunting your growth, or worse, while simply serving any number of the psycotic needs or agenda items women use being friends with exes for.

Others have given details above, but suffice it to say that being friends with exes is one of those things that women file under "being mature"......with big quotes around that. By my view, anything that falls under the heading of quote-unquote "maturity" as defined by women generally has something to do with either manipulating men to do things on their terms, a massive rationalization for unethical or even dispicable behavior or thought on their part, or all of the above. Basicly, women like to be friends with their exes so they don't feel as bad about whatever they did to derail the relationship to begin with...since, now its clear that you were "really meant to be friends" so no harm no foul....that "need" they felt to play around with your trust and commitment is now validated. And guys go for it because they think there may be a chance to get back with them. Trust me from experience, there isn't. Not in any healthy way, at least.

As painful as you may find it to be, one its done it's done. Get her out of yoir head and gut ASAP and move on ASAP.

 

[visions]

one thing is for sure: having more female friends makes you more desireable to women since it's a sign of demonstrated value, and they feel a need to compete for you.

take that as you want

 

[Mr_Stinky]

You don't make friends in a breakup. There are too many girls out there for you to waste your time with this one. Be cordial. But nothing more

 

[samspade]

It only works if you are both 100% over each other and okay with being 100% platonic. That is a rare state to be in and takes a long time. That's why No Contact is the best route. Eventually you may be friends, or you may decide you don't need her in your life (or she you).

 

[Delly2000]

I agree with Bible Belt.

Nothing wrong with being in contact with her if you are over her and you just want to be platonic etc. Realising that the romantic thing didnt work for you two. If it is recent then it maybe a little too soon for you both as the feelings and emotions are still raw. But everyone is different.

I think it shows a level of maturity when you can see an ex and be cordial, have a couple of laughs and wish them well with no intentions of getting back with them and understanding that they were a part of ur life at some point and u both have grown and moved on.

Took me awhile to realize but that "I will never talk to an ex...she is dead to me" talk just seems like a bruised ego. Like someone not progressing over the 5 stages of grief. Lol. when u dont take em personal...u win (easier said then done)

 

[Valentino14]

The distance shouldn't be problem with you two. If she really loved you then it wouldn't matter to her. You could work it out. The only thing you guys will have is being f*ck buddies. Wait a year to get over her? She will be with another guy by then. You won't get over her going back to her. Why waste your time when you can have other chicks for that? You shouldn't have to f*ck an ex to get sex. What happens when she gets in a relationship with another guy and freezes you out? You lose. That will upset you and will ruined your time to heal. You will feel even worse. What's done is done. Get over her and f*ck other chicks. She isn't the only one one the planet.

 

[expos]

Took me awhile to realize but that "I will never talk to an ex...she is dead to me" talk just seems like a bruised ego. Like someone not progressing over the 5 stages of grief. Lol. when u dont take em personal...u win (easier said then done)

Brilliant. Props.