Hey all, been lurking for nearly a year (I've read most of the really good stuff, too - most of the Bible, Pook, nearly all of the stuff from Rollo and Krassus, and I've lately been reading a lot of Interceptor's really awesome posts) and I've decided to join up and contribute. What you guys have going on here is really special - there are ideas and thoughts being discussed around here not just about women, but about Life, that are very important and can't be found in many other places online.
For almost a year I've constantly struggled to implement a lot of the stuff I've read around here that resonates with me, with mixed success. The important thing, though, is that I haven’t given up and quit. Inner game, really, is the key to all of it, and that's where we get to the subject of my post - I think my workplace is rapidly becoming a toxic environment for me. And the funny thing is, I love the place, and really enjoy being around all the people I work with. That's the problem.
In about a year, I'll be done with college, and I took the job over the summer thinking it'd just be a summer job. I soon moved up, and decided to stay through school. Last semester was rough, but I came out just fine. A few weeks ago, I honestly thought I'd be at the job until I graduate college.
My job is only tangentially related to my dream career (film director), but in the small urban area that I live in, it's honestly probably the only job that's even vaguely related to film. However, I feel like I've been forgetting about the bigger things, and what I want out of Life. I've gotten really comfortable there, and I'm afraid if I stay too much longer, I'm going to start missing opportunities that could help me achieve my larger goals. I desperately want to do some long-term, round-the-world travel, and I also have a passion for film. But I've found myself getting into the mindset where I am forgetting these things, or pushing them off to the side. A few months ago, a family member told me that I "barely ever talk about film anymore," and with a shock I realized she was right. I almost felt ashamed.
I could easily pursue some really cool film-related internships this summer, but I had found myself thinking that I didn't think I could get the time off work, so I'd rather just stay at work instead of quit to go after the internships. I look back on that kind of thinking now, and it seems so backwards to me. Of course, it doesn't help at all that I work with my Oneitis.
I've fallen hard for her, and it happened pretty quickly as well. I could feel the Oneitis coming on, and having been on here and other DJ type sites, I knew exactly what it was, but at that point I really couldn't stop it (the AFC mindsets were still too entrenched, and in some ways, still are - At 21, I've never kissed a girl, and it honestly doesn't bother me that much, but there it is all the same). A few months ago, when we were still getting to know each other as friends, I probably even had somewhat of a shot with her. I had tossed around some really basic C+F type stuff, and she gave me that "shocked grin" look a couple of times, which I hadn't seen from her before, and haven't since. There were also a couple of occasions around the same time where she touched me or invited me to touch her. Nothing too big (she didn't sit down on my lap and ask me if I wanted to f*** or anything), but a little spark nonetheless.
However, I've blown all of that now, to the Friendzone Hell point of no recovery. I'm sure of that. The other day, I was hanging out with my friends/coworkers and ended up in a situation where I had to touch her in a vaguely sexual way as part of a game. And she smiled and everybody laughed and all of that, but I saw it in her eyes. Repulsion. I think I would have felt better if she'd just straight up kicked me in the balls.
For a while I thought that I would just get good at all this DJ stuff and find my right path, and then maybe I could go after her. That thinking, though, is deeply destructive and 100% counterintuitive. I'm not really in a position to GFTOW right now (and I'm not sure it can help me from falling right back into the oneitis trap - I see this girl a few times a week), so I've really only got two options for getting over my Oneitis:
1. Ask her out AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, and get rejected (I'm almost certain this would be the outcome). However, this would inevitably make things pretty awkward at work, especially among our group of mutual friends/coworkers.
2. Quit, and cut contact with her.
Obviously, the second choice is the one I am leaning towards, for more reasons than one.
I'm so close to crossing that threshhold and really getting on the right path, I can feel it. If I can just get motivated enough to take that first step, there'll be nothing that can stand in my way. I've been an AFC all my life, but there's a fire inside of me. I can feel it grow when I think about how I'm going to be once I get past my AFCness. I can feel it grow when I think about travelling and film. I can feel it grow when I read some of the better, more enlightening posts on this board. It's the Unquenchable Fire of Manhood. And I feel like if I stay at my job for too much longer, I'll just be throwing water and dirt all over it - even though I really like what I do (for now), and like the people I work with.
There's some part of me, though, that just can't help but feel that I'm wussing out. Quitting anything, on the face of it, just sounds wussy. I also wonder if asking the girl out and getting rejected would be a more correct way of going about solving my Oneitis crap.
However, there's an enormous difference between quitting something because you're a wuss and walking away because you know something will damage you. One is borne out of cowardice, and the other, courage.
I think I'm acting out of courage in this case.
Thoughts?
For almost a year I've constantly struggled to implement a lot of the stuff I've read around here that resonates with me, with mixed success. The important thing, though, is that I haven’t given up and quit. Inner game, really, is the key to all of it, and that's where we get to the subject of my post - I think my workplace is rapidly becoming a toxic environment for me. And the funny thing is, I love the place, and really enjoy being around all the people I work with. That's the problem.
In about a year, I'll be done with college, and I took the job over the summer thinking it'd just be a summer job. I soon moved up, and decided to stay through school. Last semester was rough, but I came out just fine. A few weeks ago, I honestly thought I'd be at the job until I graduate college.
My job is only tangentially related to my dream career (film director), but in the small urban area that I live in, it's honestly probably the only job that's even vaguely related to film. However, I feel like I've been forgetting about the bigger things, and what I want out of Life. I've gotten really comfortable there, and I'm afraid if I stay too much longer, I'm going to start missing opportunities that could help me achieve my larger goals. I desperately want to do some long-term, round-the-world travel, and I also have a passion for film. But I've found myself getting into the mindset where I am forgetting these things, or pushing them off to the side. A few months ago, a family member told me that I "barely ever talk about film anymore," and with a shock I realized she was right. I almost felt ashamed.
I could easily pursue some really cool film-related internships this summer, but I had found myself thinking that I didn't think I could get the time off work, so I'd rather just stay at work instead of quit to go after the internships. I look back on that kind of thinking now, and it seems so backwards to me. Of course, it doesn't help at all that I work with my Oneitis.
I've fallen hard for her, and it happened pretty quickly as well. I could feel the Oneitis coming on, and having been on here and other DJ type sites, I knew exactly what it was, but at that point I really couldn't stop it (the AFC mindsets were still too entrenched, and in some ways, still are - At 21, I've never kissed a girl, and it honestly doesn't bother me that much, but there it is all the same). A few months ago, when we were still getting to know each other as friends, I probably even had somewhat of a shot with her. I had tossed around some really basic C+F type stuff, and she gave me that "shocked grin" look a couple of times, which I hadn't seen from her before, and haven't since. There were also a couple of occasions around the same time where she touched me or invited me to touch her. Nothing too big (she didn't sit down on my lap and ask me if I wanted to f*** or anything), but a little spark nonetheless.
However, I've blown all of that now, to the Friendzone Hell point of no recovery. I'm sure of that. The other day, I was hanging out with my friends/coworkers and ended up in a situation where I had to touch her in a vaguely sexual way as part of a game. And she smiled and everybody laughed and all of that, but I saw it in her eyes. Repulsion. I think I would have felt better if she'd just straight up kicked me in the balls.
For a while I thought that I would just get good at all this DJ stuff and find my right path, and then maybe I could go after her. That thinking, though, is deeply destructive and 100% counterintuitive. I'm not really in a position to GFTOW right now (and I'm not sure it can help me from falling right back into the oneitis trap - I see this girl a few times a week), so I've really only got two options for getting over my Oneitis:
1. Ask her out AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, and get rejected (I'm almost certain this would be the outcome). However, this would inevitably make things pretty awkward at work, especially among our group of mutual friends/coworkers.
2. Quit, and cut contact with her.
Obviously, the second choice is the one I am leaning towards, for more reasons than one.
I'm so close to crossing that threshhold and really getting on the right path, I can feel it. If I can just get motivated enough to take that first step, there'll be nothing that can stand in my way. I've been an AFC all my life, but there's a fire inside of me. I can feel it grow when I think about how I'm going to be once I get past my AFCness. I can feel it grow when I think about travelling and film. I can feel it grow when I read some of the better, more enlightening posts on this board. It's the Unquenchable Fire of Manhood. And I feel like if I stay at my job for too much longer, I'll just be throwing water and dirt all over it - even though I really like what I do (for now), and like the people I work with.
There's some part of me, though, that just can't help but feel that I'm wussing out. Quitting anything, on the face of it, just sounds wussy. I also wonder if asking the girl out and getting rejected would be a more correct way of going about solving my Oneitis crap.
However, there's an enormous difference between quitting something because you're a wuss and walking away because you know something will damage you. One is borne out of cowardice, and the other, courage.
I think I'm acting out of courage in this case.
Thoughts?
