Should I tell her

[kdnash82]

Here is the background. Summer 2007, I got back with an ex. Fall 2007 we were living together. Jan 2008 we got married. March 2008 we were seperated and I had moved out. May 2008 I found out she was pregnant. 2 weeks later she miscarried. September 2008 I filed for divorce. April 15, 2009 everything is final.

Now this whole time I've been playing the field. Meeting a lot of new women and overall enjoying life. Enjoying life A LOT! April 2009, I meet this girl, and we immediately hit it off. I found myself always wanting to be around her and even though we've never told each other, I can tell she feels the same way. We'll see each other after a few days and she'll make a comment like "It feels like I haven't seen you in forever!" We both decided to take our time with the whole sex thing because things were going so well and we'd hate to ruin it with sex. My idea, she concurred. For those who don't know, sex leads to complications. That lasted a good week and a half at best.

Anyway, things are good. I like her friends, and she likes mine. We haven't even known each other for a month, and she's invited me to come with her to her friends wedding in Hawaii next month. I told her depending on my schedule I would. 4 days together in one of the most romantic vacation spots.

Things seem to be moving a little fast, but I'm cool with that because she definately has her priorities straight and I don't have to worry about her asking to move in anytime soon because we're both looking for houses to buy. Heard through the grapevine (aka my female roommate) that she's focused on her career which is wonderful because she won't be relying on me for her fun in life.

So my question is, should I tell her that I'm divorced and that technically I was still married when we met? If yes, then when should I tell her, and how? If things get serious between us, then eventually I think it should come out.

 

[Warrior74]

Here is the background. Summer 2007, I got back with an ex. Fall 2007 we were living together. Jan 2008 we got married. March 2008 we were seperated and I had moved out. May 2008 I found out she was pregnant. 2 weeks later she miscarried. September 2008 I filed for divorce. April 15, 2009 everything is final.

Now this whole time I've been playing the field. Meeting a lot of new women and overall enjoying life. Enjoying life A LOT! April 2009, I meet this girl, and we immediately hit it off. I found myself always wanting to be around her and even though we've never told each other, I can tell she feels the same way. We'll see each other after a few days and she'll make a comment like "It feels like I haven't seen you in forever!" We both decided to take our time with the whole sex thing because things were going so well and we'd hate to ruin it with sex. My idea, she concurred. For those who don't know, sex leads to complications. That lasted a good week and a half at best.

Anyway, things are good. I like her friends, and she likes mine. We haven't even known each other for a month, and she's invited me to come with her to her friends wedding in Hawaii next month. I told her depending on my schedule I would. 4 days together in one of the most romantic vacation spots.

Things seem to be moving a little fast, but I'm cool with that because she definately has her priorities straight and I don't have to worry about her asking to move in anytime soon because we're both looking for houses to buy. Heard through the grapevine (aka my female roommate) that she's focused on her career which is wonderful because she won't be relying on me for her fun in life.

So my question is, should I tell her that I'm divorced and that technically I was still married when we met? If yes, then when should I tell her, and how? If things get serious between us, then eventually I think it should come out.

You have got to be kidding me. How is that any of her business? SHM (shaking my head). Why do you think it should come out? What purpose does it serve? How does it help? If she's into you, it doesn't matter, if she's not into you its just another reason to stay away from you, so shut your trap woman! (cause you sound like one, sex complicates things...such a womany phrase).

 

[kdnash82]

You have got to be kidding me. How is that any of her business? SHM (shaking my head). Why do you think it should come out? What purpose does it serve? How does it help? If she's into you, it doesn't matter, if she's not into you its just another reason to stay away from you, so shut your trap woman! (cause you sound like one, sex complicates things...such a womany phrase).

Gentlemen... this is just another reason why having the title Master Don on this site means absolutely nothing. Regardless of what their title says, be careful about what advice you decide to take. If it's anything like Warrior's, you're just gonna have more complications with your girl and in life.

Now for Warrior, "The Leader From Caveman's Past"... Your reply was a joke right? I'm mean seriously? How is any of that her business? Maybe you didn't understand where I was coming from. Maybe you read everyother word from my original post. Cavemen tend to do that sometimes so I'll keep this one Barney Style for ya. I actually like this girl. If things become serious between us, then me being divorced should be something she should have known from the beginning. If this was just another hop in the sack, then you're right, it would be none of her business. I seriously doubt that this is the case though, so NEXT!!!

 

[kdnash82]

Alright... went to my good friend and he brought me back to reality.

Even though things are going good, we aren't in a committed relationship. Once things become committed, then I'll spill the beans, until then, I'll keep my mouth closed.

So essentially what Warrior had to say, but not in the same context or even for the same reasons.

 

[NewMan]

At some point your going to talk about past BF's/GF's.

If the question is asked - then obviously you don't lie.

My question to you is:

Why is this such a big deal to you? It really doesn't matter - your not carrying any baggage from it (crazy ex wife or kids???)...

And secondly,

you've not known her for a month yet. That in my book is just dating. She doesn't get to know your social security number or your intimate history. And your certainly noy going to divulge it like a girl.

Bottom line - no need to bring it up. The opportunity will come - and you'll know it when it does.

 

[Warrior74]

Pretty much regurgitated advise I've read before, apologies to whoever I stole this off:

If she doesn't ask, she doesn't get. Deflect when asked until you get drilled for it. Even then, give no reasons for the breakup. If she wants the reasons, she can find your ex-wife.

This.


And don't come up in here with this lame crap.

Alright... went to my good friend and he brought me back to reality.

Even though things are going good, we aren't in a committed relationship. Once things become committed, then I'll spill the beans, until then, I'll keep my mouth closed.

So essentially what Warrior had to say, but not in the same context or even for the same reasons.

You know the drill. You want to pour out your heart like an afc. Then you got butt hurt cause I wasn't gentle with you and wanted to insult my advice. You know the truth buddy. We all do.

if she asks you tell.

 

[cordoncordon]

We both decided to take our time with the whole sex thing because things were going so well and we'd hate to ruin it with sex. My idea, she concurred. For those who don't know, sex leads to complications. That lasted a good week and a half at best.

I dont even know how to respond to this. Were you raised by a single mom? Wow are you feminzed. Grow some ballzzz my man.

 

[kdnash82]

This.


And don't come up in here with this lame crap.



You know the drill. You want to pour out your heart like an afc. Then you got butt hurt cause I wasn't gentle with you and wanted to insult my advice. You know the truth buddy. We all do.

if she asks you tell.

I'm far from AFC.... Unlike others on here, maybe including yourself, snatch comes to me on a regular. Finally finding a girl that I didn't just wanna run through is a new thrill for me. Something I haven't found in a while.

I did admit that your advice to not tell her was good, but your reason to not tell her was lame. Eventually it's gonna have to come out. Personally, it's something I would want to know.

 

[kdnash82]

I dont even know how to respond to this. Were you raised by a single mom? Wow are you feminzed. Grow some ballzzz my man.

Have you ever met a girl that you actually liked? Of course you wanna get her in bed. That's a given from the minute you said hello. That's the whole point right? Not always.

Ever had things going good between you two. No stress or worries of the world, but you end up rushing things and after sex things get all weird and complicated? So you drop her and you're sitting there wondering where things went wrong. Or for some, you haven't had sex in a long time and stick with all the drama and bs but you're still wondering what went wrong.

Then while sitting on the toilet taking a dump and reading an article from Maxim you have a revelation. You tried to rush a relationship based on good sex or for some on here, just ok sex that you haven't had in a long time.

Well, since I have no problem in the department of poon, why not take my time and see if I actually like this girl, or if I want to just get in her pants. I actually like her and I'm happy, which is something I haven't felt in a long time.

So for those who think I'm whipped, think again. For those who think, I'm a woman, I'm far from it. The funny thing is that I thought I would be getting this type of flack from the guys in the general discussion forum. Didn't think I'd see this in the Mature Man forum. Go figure!

To each their own though. I don't come around as much as I use to, but people from here have met me and seen me in action. Read a forum because I've been confirmed gentleman. Not only at being able to pick up women, but I seem to throw pretty good parties where the ratio is always in favor of the man.

 

[Warrior74]

Just admit it. You came with some weak ass lame afc type question and if you are so great, you should already know the answer right? So why are you even asking this in the first place. You get plenty of poon, so how have you handled this in the past? Be a man and take your lumps man. Stop letting your ego run you trying to justify things. Accept it for what it is and move forward.

You mean you've never been on a date since your divorce and the topic of ex's has NEVER come up? I don't even understand why this is a question for you to ask. It's because you are overthinking this one chic because you like her and have feelings for her. You are so concerned about her reaction to this stuff. And overthinking is a hallmark of AFC behavior. Your game is already slipping bro. You have to treat her like all the rest until you know she deserves better. You dole out 'better' at your pace, what you don't do is worry about this stuff that is completely unimportant.

If she's with you, she's gonna be with you and not much you tell her is gonna change that. If she doesn't want to be with you, everything you have ever said will be evidence against being with you.

Aight. I got some work to do. Later gents. To the OP. Good luck man. I wish you all the best. Just don't let your self slip and start overthinking it. Just have fun and go with the flow. It will all happen naturally if you let it.

 

[speed dawg]

Sounds to me like kdnash82 came in here looking to start an argument. That's just from an outsider looking in. Why ask for advice if you don't really want it?

but you end up rushing things and after sex things get all weird and complicated?

Dude, you're already rushing things in this particular relationship and you haven't even had sex yet. So how are the two related?

Then you say this:

That (sex with this chick) lasted a good week and a half at best.

So why are you defending this no sex idea when you couldn't even follow through with it yourself?

Then, you top it all off by insulting some of the regulars here who only trying to help your weak AFC self. Go ahead and spill your guts to this broad with all your heavy drama. Sounds to me like her IL in you has already peaked and will soon start the downturn. Especially when you accelerate the newness wearing off. You obviously learned nothing from your past experience. Pathetic, pal.

Just because you've been coming to this site for awhile doesn't mean you know what the h3ll you're talking about. I noticed your double post over in the DJDiscussion. Some schmuck told you to go ahead and tell her, didn't he? Of course, that's "solid" advice because it's what you're wanting to hear.

I don't think you're in any position to judge what's solid advice and what isn't.

 

[mikeraw]

There's nothing worst on this board than an AFC in denial, with delusions of grandeur, and a sense of self-importance that tries to justify his feminine mindset by arguing... especially with respected regulars...

I've been a member of this board for longer than you, kdnash82, and as you can see, I have posted WAY less than you... Why? Cuz I'm here to LEARN, NOT ARGUE. True, I give advice to those that need it, but that only works one way... from more experienced to less experienced... from more respected to unknown...

Dude, don't you get it? You fell in love and idealized this chick in LESS THAN A MONTH!

Wow.

Your best defense at this point is to remain silent.

That or ask Damascus for help! LOL

 

[KontrollerX]

"Dude, don't you get it? You fell in love and idealized this chick in LESS THAN A MONTH!"

Well said sir.

Very well said!

And indeed Warrior gave you great, outstanding, incredible advice KD as did everyone else.

If you refuse to follow it then it shall be at your own peril. :yes:

 

[samspade]

I wasn't going to say anything at first, because it wasn't central to the OP's question, but everything about his post screams AFC.

First of all, the background on your marriage and divorce is immaterial to the question, but since you shared it....I hope you learned at least one lesson from getting back with an ex, moving in right away, getting married in rapid fashion, finding out she's pregnant after you separate, etc., etc.

Second, it's your prerogative when to push the sexual envelope, but the way in which you are talking about this girl IS AFC if you have only been dating a month. To wit:

I found myself always wanting to be around her and even though we've never told each other, I can tell she feels the same way. We'll see each other after a few days and she'll make a comment like "It feels like I haven't seen you in forever!"

OMG! It's like your soul mates!

Let's see, what else....You're already talking about moving in, you're worried what she'll think about you if you tell her you're divorced, you're pumping her roommate for interest level info you should be able to glean on your own, and now you're attacking people who give you advice you don't like.

To top it all off, you equate the simple feat of getting laid on a regular basis with being a DJ, which shows how much you really know about it. There are dogs that hump every day - that doesn't make them DJs.

For those who don't know, sex leads to complications.

If by complications you mean unwanted marriages, mortgages, and pregnancies, again you are wrong. How you behave may lead to complications, so listen to what the good people here tell you, and maybe you'll avoid another divorce.

Now, to answer your question: Tell her if/when she asks.

 

[jophil28]

Your fear of revealing your divorce suggests that you have little confidence in your ability to hold a relationship together and keep it rolling.
I know that your ego will not allow you to accept this idea, but if it is NOT true, why else do you believe that admitting you are divorced could snap your connection in two ?
Deep down, you might be holding the belief that your relationships are so fragile that one unflattering piece of information from your past will most likely be a dealbreaker for her. You certainly are HIGHLY anxious about revealing this fact or you would not be posting here.
I would guess that you have weak inner game and even weaker self regard.
Just because you can get a lot of PUA action if you want it means little in this current context.
A man in your situation who has his SELF confidence intact would not even be having your thoughts, fears and doubts. He would be having the time of his life with a woman who is also having the time of her life with him.
He would be convinced that there is little that he could say that would drive her away.

You need to go to work on your inner fears and beliefs because those are what motivated you to post here.

 

[decades]

you don't even know this chick yet and you are in LUUVVVV!!! Dude, when you "fall" for chicks this quick, it's DANGER man. It's counterintuitive. It's when you have to be the Most careful! Slow down man!

 

[Mr. Me]

Instead of lashing out at Warrior, you oughtta take in what he says humbly. You're not the first guy to post a tale like yours where the rest of us plainly see the AFC mind set, and you're not the first guy who gets all defensive and snarky when some guy deals advice to him bluntly. Get over it. Your post sounds like a story from Oprah. If you really had the balls you tried to show to Warrior then wondering whether or not you ought to tell your chickie that you weren't really technically divorced when you first met wouldn't be any issue you'd think to post about. For all you know, when you two first met, she was screwing a f#ckbuddy unbeknownst to you that she happened to never mention.

Now that I got that out of my system, about your question: That shouldn't be the question. Reading your post, the real question is: "This is going too fast, and I really shouldn't be cool with that, right?" and "I shouldn't go away with her and her friends at this time, should I?"

Anyway, the technical legality of dissolving the marriage aka "the divorce decree" FOLLOWS and usually LAGS behind the actual divorce of the couple. IOW, the decision to divorce is made first, the courts have the paperwork to do to set it in stone. But for all intents and purposes, the marriage is over way before any indefinite yet unknown date that everything's worked out by the legal system and some arbitrary judge somewhere in the jurisdiction gets in the course of time to putting his stamp on the papers, true?

You've recently just met this woman, apparently the chemistry is great. Problem is, you don't know her, despite you're crediting of her. You're giving her props because YOU like her a lot, not because she's actually EARNED them - she has her best foot forward right now, and will continue like that for a while. It takes TIME before the guard comes down and you get to see what she's really like when that best foot forward is no longer there.

>> I don't have to worry about her asking to move in anytime soon because we're both looking for houses to buy >>

Wait until she hits you with the "I have an idea! Instead of BOTH of us buying a house, why don't we pool our resources together and buy one together? We'll each save half the money, hunny!"

>> "she's focused on her career which is wonderful because she won't be relying on me for her fun in life." >>

I think you have much to learn about women!

 

[Jitterbug]

Don't worry about rushing into sex as you've already rushed into a relationship and LUUUUV. You seem to make it a habit though, from that short marriage.

 

[sodbuster]

Why would you tell her now? In 3 months-IF she's still around,you can tell her. By then, she will have made an investment in you that she won't throw away so fast. NOW she hasn't spent any time or money on you and can ditch you with no feeling of loss.Don't volunteer your faults,let her find them on her own. I don't walk up to women and say"If you sleep with me you'll find out I snore" I let her find out on her own. I don't hide it,but I don't run out volunteering it either.

 

[horaholic]

Jophil hit the nail on the head. Ask yourself why you havent told her yet. I think you should probably just get it out of the way as soon as possible. Then, she's gonna ask why you hadnt told her, and you better have your answer planned. I would say something like "Well, this is my first divorce, and I wasnt sure what the rules of disclosure are. Does it matter or something?" Or, "I figured there was no reason to disclose that information until we got to know each other better, and now we have, so yeah. Im divorced. You dont have a problem with that, do you?"

Whatever you do, dont say you held back cuz you like her soooooo much, and didnt want to disappoint her.