She's in a relationship but she likes me

[Jack-Torrance]

Yeah, how many times do you hear that one? *sigh*

Well I'm in this situation now.

I began feeling attracted to one of my female friends. No need to worry I don't tend to ever become "just friends" with girls. Anyway, I asked her out...

She spoke to me about things for a while, but the kicker is she's in a relationship. She admitted to me that she is attracted to me, though she said she felt bad for telling me as she thinks it will make it harder for me to get through things.

She's a nice kind of girl I definitely don't see her cheating.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

So instead of working this friend, I would go play with other girls.

This dubious "friendship" of yours will now be based upon her assumption that you are sitting around chumping for a chance to get with her, hence her "trying to go easy on you". PUHHHHLEAAAAAZE, she didn't know she was dealing with a SoSuave man, but she will soon enough, and maybe too late (for her).

Let her see you juggling other women in a cool and nonchalant manner, and you will undoubtedly "flip the script" on this little thing.

 

[Jack-Torrance]

Hahaha that's probably the best post I've ever read...

Jack will definitely be playing with other girls but she is indeed telling me the truth. I guess it all comes down to how long her relationship lasts.

 

[Igetit!]

I began feeling attracted to one of my female friends. No need to worry I don't tend to ever become "just friends" with girls. Anyway, I asked her out...

She spoke to me about things for a while,but the kicker is she's in a relationship.

Hmm. Did you know she was in a relationship when you asked her out?

She admitted to me that she is attracted to me,

Something about this makes my spider sense tingle.

Why in the hell would she say that? I've seen all types of responses girls give when being asked out by a guy,but something about this statement is just....off.


I bet you a 100 bucks she wouldn't have said that if she were single.



The only reason I can see of why she'd say that is to let you down easy,to cushion the blow of turning you down.



And this statement of hers here....

she said she felt bad for telling me as she thinks it will make it harder for me to get through things

...supports that theory.



I don't know if I'd believe her or not. She seems to be on a bit of a high horse here. She said she felt bad for telling you she's attracted to you as well because "it will make it harder for you to get through things".

So in her mind,she thinks she ALREADY has you won over. She thinks you're ALREADY EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED to her,which will boost her ego and make her go AW on you.



You may not realize it,but that "make it harder for you to get through things" statement was condescending.

I guess it all comes down to how long her relationship lasts.

If your plan is to just hang out,play and joke around with this girl from time to time until her relationship ends,then go in for the "kill",you can forget about that.

I GUARANTEE YOU it won't work.

Let her see you juggling other women in a cool and nonchalant manner, and you will undoubtedly "flip the script" on this little thing.

This,PLUS A LITTLE NC is the best thing you can do here.

 

[Jack-Torrance]

Haha nahhh, what's with the hardcore cynicism?

It's just that she's not the kind of girl to leave her guy when someone else comes along, and if she is I would definitely have reconsidered whether I really want a relationship with a girl who does that!

This exact same thing has happened between me and her best friend who I am 10000000000% sure is attracted to me (absolutely definite, we were ****-buddies before she got in a relationship and she was pushing me constantly to become exclusive with her, she kept crying and stuff, not sure why, I was ****ing her after all).

I dunno what to do though. I can continue having casual sex with other girls but it doesn't really make me feel any better.

It doesn't matter if I go NC on her or flip the script or w.e. she's with someone else, I can't change that (I can't even change it with her friend who was super-obsessed with me).

 

[DropZone3]

This is a win/win situation for her. As for you.........no good will come out of it.
Even if things turn out well, do you really want to be with someone who shops around while in a relationship?

 

[Jariel]

Last year I was in the situation with around 8 different girls. I started seeing two of them while they were in a relationship, but they backed off and it all fell through. The others weren't ready to leave their boyfriends for me and weren't willing to cheat. I basically got nothing from them...at that time.

I cut contact and moved on, started seeing other women and getting on with my life. Some time after I'd get the odd catch up text from a few of them. I'd reply in a friendly way, we'd swap a few texts, then I'd stop and cut contact again.

Now, I have 5 of these women chasing me. They've split with their boyfriends, taken the time they need to get over them and they're trying to recapture the spark that was between us. What's more, I'm the one who has the control now.

Just have patience, move on and build more prospects, and one day she may end up coming back. Either way, you'll be helping yourself by getting over her and you'll be having fun with other women.

 

[Jack-Torrance]

Thanks that's a great post.

I think she'll come back. She's arguing with her boyfriend basically every day so I don't think it will last very long.

 

[Igetit!]

I think she'll come back.

This statement tells more about you than it does about her.

To me,this makes it seem as if you're standing outside looking in through a window at the two of them,hoping and waiting for their relationship to fail/end.


And while you're standing there watching them,countless numbers of other women and opportunities are passing you by.



But it's your decision though. If you want to set there and watch.then watch on brother.

She's arguing with her boyfriend basically every day

Do you have her place bugged? Have secret cameras in there or something?


You say that they argue everyday. How do you know that? Who told you this?


If that info is true,and it came DIRECTLY from her to you,you're UNKNOWINGLY shooting yourself in the foot.


Women are not logical,they're emotional. So if she does have ANY romantic or sexual feeling for you,she'd be showing them to you NOW. Even if she attempted to control herself from making her feeling 100% clear to you,somewhere along the way,from time to time,they'd leak out every so often.



They're not logical. A woman won't be like,"Ok,I like so and so,but I'm already in a relationship. So I'll bottle up my feelings until I'm single again,then I'll start showing him my interest".



Doesn't work that way. If you don't sense any feelings or IOIs from her NOW when seeing and being around her often,there won't be any simply because her relationship ended.



If someone else told you about this girl and her boyfriend arguing everyday,then cool,but if SHE told you that,you're bordering on friendzone territory.


Like others have said,you need to date or at least be seen with other girls,AND have some NO CONTACT going on.



The fact that you seem to know so much about what's going on in her relationship itself means you are TOO CLOSE to her,and not the "good kind" of being close.

 

[runner83]

Dude,

Listen to IGetIt's advice.

He is spot on.

 

[Darth]

Yes, listen to Igetit.

You may not realize it,but that "make it harder for you to get through things" statement was condescending.

Yes! It is condescending. If that statement did not make you angry, something is wrong.

Are you sure you even want her after that?

She may be perfectly nice, but will you let her talk down to you in that way, like you're a little boy and she's patting you on the head.

 

[Jack-Torrance]

Ohh I got more posts I had no idea sorry guys!

So anyway, here's how things stand. She does like me. If she becomes single then she will say yes to me. It is the truth, but the thing is knowing what to do in this situation to take my mind off of her for the time being.

Thus far, seeing other girls hasn't helped, and no contact is very hard. We see each other at college a fair amount. She got upset because I was speaking to her less, I didn't explain why to her but maybe I should. It kinda sucks though because we do enjoy talking to each other.

The general idea we have is that one day we will be a couple (chances are both of us will be available for each other at some point) so I guess we have started speaking in that way... She's my "sort-of" valentine, not sure how that is meant to work though.

About IOIs, she is really reserved with showing her interest in a guy. However even so I definitely got a sense of her being attracted to me, hence why I asked her out. Also she "mirrors" me a lot, but I never thought that really meant anything?

But yeah. About temporarily forgeting. Tried other girls, nope. Tried no contact, finding it hard. Should I keep trying those things?

 

[TizZle]

you have "one'it'is". Fvck it. just straw man the boyfriend if you want. You need to get her to believe her boyfriend is a nice guy. instant attraction killer.

I, myself, would never use this but in your situation you seem dead set on this girl.

 

[Jack-Torrance]

you have "one'it'is". Fvck it. just straw man the boyfriend if you want. You need to get her to believe her boyfriend is a nice guy. instant attraction killer.

I, myself, would never use this but in your situation you seem dead set on this girl.

Haha thanks for the reply!

I've heard of that "nice guy" tactic before haha!

The only thing is that she isn't like normal girls and actually likes guys who are sweet and nice to her. So I'm not so sure it will work.

And you're right, I do have oneitis for her. I have tried GFTOW (well, three other women rather than ten, but the acronym still works! ) and stuff to get rid of it but gah! I mean I guess in a way I'm lucky because she does actually like me, but yeah, it's an uncertain and painful wait.

Because we do like each other and how we basically accept we will be a couple at some time, in a weird way it almost feels like watching your girlfriend cheat on you and not being able to do anything about it.

 

[Nikoli]

Wow...I think she's got you under her control and in my opinion it doesn't look good for you with this girl. She definitely holds the power in this relationship and you need to get some back if you ever think you have a chance to have a decent relationship.

First off you should never have to give her an explanation of why you're not seeing her enough. This will just further swing the power in her favour. Instead just assume that she knows you're a busy guy with lots of options. A man should never have to justify himself to a female friend whom he hasn't had sexual relations with. If you're giving all your time and attention to her now then why would she need to give anything more to you? She needs to earn that time, interest, and affection. Until then never treat her better then you would a good male friend.

The key to remember is that women operate differently then men when it comes to what they are seeking. Attention to women is the same as sex for men and it's what validates them. Yet most women find once they've been to bed with a man the attention starts to whane and that's why they seek out orbiters. I suggest you read up on this orbiter concept cause that's exactly what you are.

She's playing you for your attention and the validation you're providing. I'm not saying she won't ever break up with her bf but right now you're not giving her any reason to. Keep it light with her but reel in the attention you giving to her. Just remember that as soon as she's done with you she's texting this other guy and heading over to his place to get laid. It's a fact. If you keep this in your mind then you'll see you don't owe her anything.

One parting thought: Even if this girl did breakup with her bf for you would you really want to be with her? I'm sure it wouldn't take long for you to start wondering when she'll do it to you and for her start hanging out with other male "friends".

If other women aren't helping then just get busy living your life. Follow your passions and interests. Hit the gym often, go to a yoga class, volunteer on your campus, joins some sports co ed sports teams and you'll be amazed at how her importance begins to fade. And in the meantime, by doing all this you may have found a girl you like better who's actually open to starting something with you.

Best of luck.

N.

 

[Jack-Torrance]

I think for the most part you are right. Maybe I am in some way an "orbiter" or something, but she is legit attracted to me so I don't see it in the same way as if I was a friendzone-forever guy haha. I never really thought about the power balance but I get a feeling you are probably right, though I am naturally rather "alpha" *shudder... that word* when I am comfortable, and often act that sort of way when we are together in a group setting so I am unsure.

And by explanation for not seeing her, basically what I mean... We see each other at college on monday and tuesday (sometimes randomly other days), we have mutual friends and often talk to each other, I was trying to speak to her less. Apparently she noticed I was acting "distant" and she got a bit sad about it.

I have been in this same position with an ex-****buddy, once she got in a relationship, nope, wasn't gonna happen, and trust me what we had was inteeeense haha.

I'll try focusing on my hobbies more, that's an idea I haven't yet tried.