Sexless relationship/marriage

[FrostX87]

I know I'm not quite 25 yet, but I need help from men who are in the trenches so to speak.

First, a little backstory.

I'm 24, and my girlfriend is 25. We've known each other since we were 7 and had a little "playground relationship", she moved away for a while, and then came back. I asked her out again and we've been together for 6 years, now living together for 5, and have a 4 year old and an 8 month old together.

We are planning to get married, but there's a little hitch on my end: When she got pregnant with our first child, sex went out the window, and hasn't returned.

Now, I understand that a woman's hormones can change, and that she may lose the desire to have sex, but she's mentioned to me that she still masturbates, and this is after saying "We don't have sex because I don't like sex anymore." She's given me about 10 different excuses as to why, ranging from "I'm tired all the time," to "You need to show me more romance." I've tried showing more romance. If I beg, sure, I'll get sex, but she says "If you're not done in 5 minutes, that's it" and then she'll just lay there like a corpse. And THIS only occurs once a month, after I've promised to buy her something.

There also was a period of time, when she turned 21, that she went out and started partying, claiming that she wasn't ready to settle down and be a mother and a wife. During this time, she was hanging out with this guy, and almost slept with him, but due to my snooping through a left-open text message, I was able to put a stop to it (as far as I know, anyway...)

She clearly isn't interested anymore (I've gained weight since settling into Dad/Husband mode, and I'm currently unemployed), and that's the real problem, but she doesn't have the heart to tell me that because that means splitting up the family. So, here's my question.

Do I simply stop asking for sex? Do I cheat? Do I leave? If I can fix this, how do I do it? Thanks in advance, and sorry for the long post!

tl;dr: 24/m, 25/f, 6 year LTR, 2 kids, once per month sex after purchase. What do?

 

[backbreaker]

leave. now. seriously.

all the red flags are more than there. this isn't going to get better once you tie the knot

 

[Juan Don]

doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. you do have kids together though. if you want to try and work it out ...hit the gym dont beg anymore for sex. i am sure she will wonder why ur losing weight and not asking for sex anymore. i think by doing that she will want to.

 

[FrostX87]

doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. you do have kids together though. if you want to try and work it out ...hit the gym dont beg anymore for sex. i am sure she will wonder why ur losing weight and not asking for sex anymore. i think by doing that she will want to.

Yeah, this is my next move. I really do want to work it out, considering the children, and the history we have. Our fathers are good friends, my brother is her sister's best friend...like, there's so much tied up here, it'd be a shame to just let it all go. So I'll start improving myself vastly and stop asking so much. And if that doesn't work, then I just may have to wrap it up and get the hell out. I'm still young, and since we're not married, I don't have a divorce to worry about.

 

[Iceberg]

Yeah, this is my next move. I really do want to work it out, considering the children, and the history we have. Our fathers are good friends, my brother is her sister's best friend...like, there's so much tied up here, it'd be a shame to just let it all go. So I'll start improving myself vastly and stop asking so much. And if that doesn't work, then I just may have to wrap it up and get the hell out. I'm still young, and since we're not married, I don't have a divorce to worry about.

That's probably the smart thing to do.

Hit the gym, pick up some hobbies - start looking better, start feeling better. Stop begging for sex, stop playing the game that your wife is playing.

On one hand, it MIGHT make your wife more attracted to you. And if not, then you're preparing for your life as a single man.

One thing you cannot do, however, is negotiate attraction. Your wife either feels a certain way about you, or she doesn't. Counseling, heartfelt discussions....all that stuff will not make a woman wet.

 

[window]

yes read a lot of rollo's posts therationalmale blog...you need to maintain you posture in the relationship. You are leaning to much and begging is never a good thing. First thing is to get in shape. Hey you are not even working you should be an adonis. Everything will flow from there. Let your wife initiate sex more than you and if she doesnt then she gets nothing. I want to see you going to the gym 4 times a week. Your wife wont like it at first and may even try and get you to do something when you have gym planned. Just keep going.

 

[Viagra4Soul]

"You need to show me more romance."

Read: you're not doing it for me anymore, and I want to feel like you used to make me feel about you.

Agree with the above advice: work on yourself, not her. Make yourself desirable, attract attention naturally through the new person you can become. Get to the gym, run, play football, anything that gets you into a better skin. Continue being the best Dad you can be of course, the kids are most important. But you need to do more for yourself. Don't feel guilty about that.

Also agree that none of that might bring her back, but at the least, you will be ejected back into the world a better 25 year old, ready for new action.

 

[Slickster]

A very similar thread was started here just recently by a member named Chucknorisk.

Check it out there is a lot of good advice which applies to your situation.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=190578


Chuck's relationship seems to be in worse shape than yours but maybe it will provide you with some foresight so you can get your shyt together before the same thing happens.

 

[Colossus]

Read the above thread, there is a lot of good advice in there.

That said, at least you recognize that her interest is gone. Gone baby gone. I'm not very optimistic you can revive it either, although it has been done.

I cant tell you what the right decision is for your family as a whole. Staying in a sexless relationship where your soon-to-be wife would rather masturbate than put your c0ck inside of her is no way to live, however, and one thing I will tell you unequivocally is DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN.

Try some of the stuff in the above thread, read Dave from Hawaii on the Heartiste blog, and give it all you can. Dont EVER beg, dont EVER buy her sex, and dont EVER tolerate that kind of disregard again. Have some dignity man.

Good luck, your journey back to manhood begins here.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Dude, I feel for this thread.

Man -- look I say you try getting in the best dam.n shape of your life and turn yourself around in a way that you couldn't have expected. (and in a way she couldn't either)...

This might reignite some life in you and give her a glimpse of you she hasn't seen before...

Before you bail, given the history, give aggressive-revamping of yourself a try...strength, employment, hobbies...change these in massive doses and see what happens before you pull the plug!

Consider it a challenge and see what you can do...study some of this seduction stuff....learn how to turn her on as you change...

if the relationship continues to go to the dump you can pull plug and bail, but at least you have current insight to see issues, underlying problems and see what you can do!

(ps, the reason this might work is because you are making yourself into a healthier happier person..this not only ups your value..but you will be more genuinely happy to be alive and feel more genuine self worth....find some employment/volunteer anything that inspires you!!!!)

 

[AW1983]

Staying in a sexless relationship where your soon-to-be wife would rather masturbate than put your c0ck inside of her is no way to live, however, and one thing I will tell you unequivocally is DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN.

Try some of the stuff in the above thread, read Dave from Hawaii on the Heartiste blog, and give it all you can. Dont EVER beg, dont EVER buy her sex, and dont EVER tolerate that kind of disregard again. Have some dignity man.

Good luck, your journey back to manhood begins here.

OP if you only take in one thing from this thread, make it this.

 

[DonJuanabe]

Agree with Colossus -- she does not love you anymore. If I had to guess it would be that she is 25 years old and has children -- a lot of her life has not ben nor ever will be what she might have wanted it to be... and you are 50% at fault for this.

If you marry her it will be a horrible marriage, the children will know it, and in all likelihood will end in divorce and you will get screwed.

I think you should end it with her and get involved with someone else. That said, you are a father and a man and you must support your children. That should be your number one priority.

 

[Mr.Positive]

If there's no sex, there really is no relationship. You are really just friends.

Treat this woman like you'd treat a friend of yours. Treat her well, be there for your kids....but, get it into your head, there's no relationship anymore.

You are free. Hit the gym, seek other women, be a young free man. You don't need to apologize or make excuses for anyone. Embrace life.

Oh...and do NOT marry this woman.

 

[Greasy Pig]

Colossus is spot on. Dave from Hawaii has some great tips.
Stop begging for sex and don't give her sex for a while.
If she asks why you've changed, just say something ridiculous with a big cheeky grin like: "well I'm all worn out from all the other women I've been banging." and wink when you say it.
She'll see you're looking better and will start semi believing that you actually do have other women on the go.
Good luck man, I've been a "beggar" and it hurts me to think about it.

 

[SecondHalf]

I know I'm not quite 25 yet

...

Do I simply stop asking for sex? Do I cheat? Do I leave? If I can fix this, how do I do it? Thanks in advance, and sorry for the long post!

tl;dr: 24/m, 25/f, 6 year LTR, 2 kids, once per month sex after purchase. What do?

The question that comes to mind after reading this post is "Do you love her or need her"?
Need and woman is crappy combination. Something is missing in yourself. You need to go find it.
Love and woman is very different and maybe worth working on (if you can be loved back - not sure given your original post - she's not communicating with you).

Regardless of which, you need to get excited about the prospects of your own life and start chasing those prospects (regardless if you love or need this woman). If the relationship has any hope (from both your points of view), it will work itself out once you start moving forward.

This is a significant decision for you and likely a major turning point in your life. Give it all the effort you can muster.

Good luck!

SH

 

[davewe]

The sex is supposed to stop after the marriage not before And the idea that she has had major hormonal changes by 25 seems like folly to me.

Unfortunately I agree - do not marry her.

However, all the comments about getting it shape, becoming a workout fiend are equally folly. Of course if you want to get in shape by all means do so - you'll live a healthier life. But dont do it for her - it aint gonna work.

If you really want to give it another shot with her, tell her that you cannot have a sexless marriage. If there is any attraction left maybe she will get motivated, though I doubt it.

But by all means it is imperative that you do not let her put the blame on you as in "you arent working, you put on weight. That's why I won't have sex with you." It's not so, though its the mantra of many women and an equal number of guys (including here) blame themselves.

 

[SteR]

I'll echo what some of the other posters have said. From what I can see it looks as though you need to start taking charge of yourself if you want this to work.

Working out, taking up other hobbies and pushing yourself to be your best is the only thing you can do now. Look at this way: either way you win. If you get develop yourself and your wife shows renewed interest, great. If you develop yourself and you decide to end it with your wife then at least you'll be in prime position to move on and find someone else.

Good luck!

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Frostie,
Dear Me you are in a very nasty situation....Whilst agreeing with Back Breaker that you should leave her....that is easier said than done...most people seem to concentrate on the svexual aspects....Forget it,that is a lost cause,her hormones have just switched off.... whilst for a short period with another attractive Man she might surprise herself and those who know her by a new found libido,It will be short lived and she will revert to type...
Bailing out may not be an option,many people go back to Mum,hardly a satisfactory situation....You have the concomitant problems of Unemployment and declining value as you become more and more despondent and let yourself go...
The current Economic Scene for the US will improve a little,but there is no long time likelihood of a return to anything like pre 2008 conditions for 5-10 years...So perhaps do nothing for a while...Accept the scraps of Svex you are thrown,but work on self development get fit,work out how you might improve your employability...even volunteer work,maybe a career change....Perhaps even the Armed Forces for a while,certainly Career related Courses, until things blow over....Maybe look at relocating to a better area...Not easy,but Frosty for you things could get worse,so tread water while working on self improvemen, until things resolve themselves,or at least become clearer...Treat your Home as a base,she is not happy either so events may just move on without your input...Think how you might manage if she leaves or tosses you Out.

 

[sodbuster]

If she pleases herself,she hasn't lost interest in sex....just sex with you. Drop the weight,find a job. She doesn't want to have sex with a boy sitting on the couch,she wants to have sex with a man conquering the world. Does a conqueror BEG?

 

[Greasy Pig]

I disagree with the "tell her you can't be in a sexless marriage" etc because that is in some way trying to convince or coerce her in to fvcking you.
That means she'll be fvcking you out of pity or fear you'll leave which is not the response I'd be chasing.
She has to fvck you because she wants to, not out of obligation, fear or guilt....although they are good cards to play sometimes.
Still, I want to fvck women whose desire is at fever pitch, not who pity me or because they feel they have to.