Scared of hurting her

[Dirtheart]

I've posted this thread in the mature man forum hoping for some mature responses.

Basically, I have become involved with a woman and my new found DJ skill has helped me raise her interest higher than I thought possible and she is practically obsessed with me.

She recently told me how happy I make her, how she wants to be with me all the time and has made it clear that she's falling for me in a big way. I feel quite lousy because as much as I like her I can't return the emotional feelings she's developing for me.

I don't want to rule out a LTR, but for now I don't want to get too deeply involved and I'm worried that I'm going to hurt her if ever I need to end things or take some time away from seeing her.

So is it possible to cool things down without LJBF or dumping her?

 

[NewMan]

One word - HONESTY.

I'm in the same exact situation.

I've been dating her for 5 months now.

She's very much into me - last Friday we went out for ****tails, and that night she was a little drunk and even told me multiple times how much she loved me. The next day she oppoligized.

But throughout this I've been nothing but up front with her.

I've told her I can't give her what she wants - that I'm not ready to be in a relationship - and that if she doesn't want to deal with that, that I understand if she needs to move on.

As long as I am honest with her, then she is empowered to do what's best for her.



You can do whatever you want in this situation - string her on - or risk the chance of losing her.

 

[Dirtheart]

I've told her I can't give her what she wants - that I'm not ready to be in a relationship - and that if she doesn't want to deal with that, that I understand if she needs to move on.

Thank you Newman. I think you are exactly right about this and I should just be up front with her and let her decide.

I guess in my mind we are still just dating (albeit exclusively), whereas she's way ahead of me, planning our life as a couple and a lifestyle change that I'm not ready to accept.

But as you say I'll just be honest with her. I'd rather let her make the decision and lose her than string her along and end up hurting her.

Thanks again.

 

[Slickster]

Yo Dirtheart, Newman

I guess I could add something to this discussion as I've been there before too.

Funny enough I also tried what Newman has suggested.

I've told her I can't give her what she wants - that I'm not ready to be in a relationship - and that if she doesn't want to deal with that, that I understand if she needs to move on.

As long as I am honest with her, then she is empowered to do what's best for her.

The result in my case wasn't really an improvement at all. My girl was so obsessed with me and the idea of marriage that NOTHING would make her see the light.

I actually said to her, "I'm NEVER going to marry you. I just can't see a future for us."

The words went in one ear and out the other.

Why did I stay with her? She was a great chick. I had alot of fun with her. Sex was amazing, etc. She just wasn't marriage material or someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Things carried on for quite a while with us. Eventually I had to break it off with her because I felt so guilty. I just couldn't give her what she wanted and I finally realized that I was totally wasting her time and mine.

Basically, I have become involved with a woman and my new found DJ skill has helped me raise her interest higher than I thought possible and she is practically obsessed with me.

Man I feel ya here. Since coming to Sosuave I've noticed some real changes in the women I surround myself with. A guy I work with made a comment to me the other day about my "harem". I just scoffed it off at first but then I started thinking about it.

I won't quote any numbers but there is quite a list of chicks who have been displaying high interest in me over the past year. While some may think that this is the promised land, I've found it to be a bit of a pain in the a$$.

I have a real hard time hurting people's feelings and having the interest of multiple women almost forces me to do just that. I try to be honest and treat all of them with respect but it just seems to make them want me more which makes things worse.

I'm learning more and more that being a DJ and being a D!ck go hand in hand.

I guess you have to decide whether you would ever want an LTR with this chick in the possible future and go from there.

 

[comote]

I've been there as well. No matter what you say to her she will always hope that she can change your mind. It really sucks. In my case the girl is great but the timing was not right.
I guess I would tell her that things are moving too fast for you. I have found as much as they complain about the whole scared of commitment thing it is one of the few excused they are able to stomach.
In any case at some point you may have to cut out. You will have to accept that she is going to be hurt. It is the cycle of relationships and remember, it may have hurt when someone dumped you but look at how much better you feel about yourself now because of it.

 

[Austin Allegro]

Man, it's screwed up isn't it. I've found exactly the same thing.

I've had one or two girl-friends (FBs I suppose) who were way ahead of me in thinking we were a steady couple etc. I regularly made it clear I wasn't interested in committment, but the more I pulled away, the more interested they became.

The only thing you can do is be totally honest and say you don't want a committed relationship. The trouble is a lot of women are wise to this trait in men, and go along with it in the hope they will 'change' you - a classic female desire - so in a way even this honesty backfires, but at least she can't accuse you of stringing her along.

Ultimately, I think it's best to either commit or stop seeing her, but of course DON'T let her know you've committed, or she'll go off you, in that f*cked up logic that only women are capable of.

 

[princelydeeds]

Re: Yo Dirtheart, Newman

Originally posted by Slickster
I'm learning more and more that being a DJ and being a D!ck go hand in hand.

Slick please don't take this the wrong way but I think that line of thinking is whats leftover from your AFc days. I'm not calling you an AFC but why does being honest make you a d!ck? You only have one life to live. If you are being real with yourself and you know that someone isn't right for you that doesn't make you a d!ck. Being a d!ck is stringing her along, lying, and making her believe she has a chance. As long as you are being real with these women and they are consenting adults, why should you feel guilty for not desiring a LTR. I look at it this way if you were an AFC would they give you the time of day?

Life is tough, no one cares about your happiness so you have to look out for yourself. As long as I'm not being deceitful, I don't feel any guilt. There is a fine art to getting close to a woman yet keeping her at an emotional distance. I've mastered the art of allowing women to know there are always others in the picture without saying it directly. I know when a woman is getting too close and Im good at keeping her at distance. You have to make her feel like she is choosing to not get too attached to you. I won't say it works 100% but so far its worked for me.

 

[WestCoaster]

Lost in all the neg-hits, sense of detachment of DJism is the sense of having the nads to be up front and honest.

How many guys do you know (and I've done this) who stayed in sub-par relationships because they were afraid to get out or hurt someone? It's very AFCish.

Most women -- about 90 percent of them -- are so afraid of hurting a guy, or the drama that comes with breaking up, that they do the ignore game, hoping that just by not contacting or fading way that the guy will understand. That doesn't work, it just magnifies the pain and anger. One of these days women will figure it out ... in about the year 2100.

What guys want is up front honesty and some face to face confrontation and I think DJism teaches us that. Be honest and up front and move on. That's the best way to handle things. A real man, a DJ, does such things.

 

[NewMan]

Just to add one other point....

When first getting to know a chick - it's very important to temper both your and her feelings.

Sometimes guys and (most) girls have issues with this. AFC's and chicks (in general) want to rush into a relationship quickly - that's why a month or so down the line they find out they are not really into this chick (or Guy) - and then the whole - I don't want to hurt them - issues come up.

That's why, personally I take it very slow. I always tell her this up front - tell her that I want to take things slow - that way it prevents her from getting to into you - and any thoughts that you guys have a relationship together.

It makes breaking it off that much easier.


It also makes it easier to turn her into a casual fvck. Because from the slow start you can then give her the "I don't want a relationship - but I have fun with you, and would like to continue to see you if your cool with that."

Of course if she's a keeper - then you can move on as normal.

 

[princelydeeds]

Originally posted by NewMan

That's why, personally I take it very slow. I always tell her this up front - tell her that I want to take things slow - that way it prevents her from getting to into you - and any thoughts that you guys have a relationship together.

Im the opposite, I rush women into the sex. I think people get real after they have sex. If you get the sex out of the way then the comfort level rises. Women will tell you whats really on their mind and then you can respond to what they say. Honestly, getting the sex out of the way quickly also gives you the upper hand. It allows you to cut the desire, you may still desire sex but your no longer curious about it.

 

[Slickster]

Re: Re: Yo Dirtheart, Newman

Originally posted by princelydeeds
Slick please don't take this the wrong way but I think that line of thinking is whats leftover from your AFc days. I'm not calling you an AFC but why does being honest make you a d!ck? You only have one life to live. If you are being real with yourself and you know that someone isn't right for you that doesn't make you a d!ck. Being a d!ck is stringing her along, lying, and making her believe she has a chance. As long as you are being real with these women and they are consenting adults, why should you feel guilty for not desiring a LTR.

Yo Prince!

No offense taken. I think you may have misunderstood my original post a little bit.

While I don't think that being honest automatically makes you a d!ck. I do think in some instances it does.

For example. We all know that when you tell a chick that you aren't interested in a relationship or just want to take things slow, that those words usually fall on deaf ears. If the chick is really obsessed with you then she doesn't care if you say these things. She thinks she is going to change you! We know this. We are well aware that she is going to just continue on thinking that somehow she'll change your mind and make you want an LTR. So essentially we ARE stringing them along.

By telling them "I'm not interested in a relationship" - We've given ourselves an "out" so as to not feel too guilty but we damn well know that we are stringing them along. This shyt happens everyday in the lives of DJ's and Players.

When we say we aren't interested in a relationship is that really honest? No. Honesty would be saying "I LOVE fvcking you but I definately don't LOVE YOU." Who has the balls to say that to their girlfriend? Not too many of those guys out there are there?

When I made the comment "Being a DJ and being a D!ck go hand in hand" I was referring to the above situation but also to the fact that a guy with mulitple chicks on the line HAS to be an a$$hole sometimes. Its not possible to be in two places at once and keeping many chicks happy can be difficult.

 

[NewMan]

Im the opposite, I rush women into the sex

Wait a min - I didn't say anything about being slow in the sex department. I'll make that happen ASAP - but I'm referring to the Relationship. That goes very slowly.

When we say we aren't interested in a relationship is that really honest? No. Honesty would be saying "I LOVE fvcking you but I definately don't LOVE YOU." Who has the balls to say that to their girlfriend? Not too many of those guys out there are there?

Yeah thats true - but then again how many women have the honesty to say this to you:

"I just want you for your money - and to have a good time with you. If your successfull I'll stick around - but if you turn into a loser I'll dump you for the next guy that comes along. Also, I want kids and I want to stay at home while you work until your 65, providing me with a great lifestyle. I also expect you to do as much as I at home. I'll nag you until you do as I desire - and I'll hold out on the sex to get my way - by the by, All the head I'll give you before we are married will go away after - because I really hate doing that - and I get locked jaw anyway"


Let's be honest here - none of us are truly honest in our realtionships.

But, telling a woman upfront you are not intreseted in a relationship - is the universal guy language of "I want to fvck around with you".

If she doesn't get that - then she's dumb. Pure and simple.

You can feel guilty if you want - but just remember - chicks are more ruthless than that.

I think that's the AFC in you when you feel guilty (and I mean that in a general way).

Again over time this feeling will probably go away - you'll probably get numb to it - which I'm not saying is a good thing.

But we all know - that now as DJ's - we are not going to fall for the first chick thats comes along - we are going to go into the future with both eye's open.

That's my thoughts.

 

[WaterTiger]

Originally posted by NewMan
But then again how many women have the honesty to say this to you:"I just want you for your money..."

My line was slightly different. I said:

"Karen is dating you for your money, and I'll date you for your money. But I'm the one with the guts to TELL you it's only for your money."

He didn't start dating me...but he did break up with Karen!

MMMWWWAAHHHHH!

 

[NewMan]

There are exceptions to every rule....

But - you get my meaning....

 

[WaterTiger]

Originally posted by NewMan
There are exceptions to every rule....

But - you get my meaning....

Exactly.

Dirtheart, just tell the girl the truth. You don't want to jump into a full blown relationship, but you enjoy her company. You aren't saying NO, just not right now.

 

[princelydeeds]

Originally posted by WaterTiger
"Karen is dating you for your money, and I'll date you for your money. But I'm the one with the guts to TELL you it's only for your money."

******** translation: he was hideously ugly, fat,short,tough to look at and/or a complete social misfit.

No way a woman says that to a rich guy who is attractive and socially adequate.

 

[gentleman193]

Scared is not a word DJ's should be using.

 

[WaterTiger]

Originally posted by princelydeeds
******** translation: he was hideously ugly, fat,short,tough to look at and/or a complete social misfit.

No way a woman says that to a rich guy who is attractive and socially adequate.

I'll say it. Because there are guys that need to be taken off their pedestal too.

Actually he was one of the "Pretty People" who had that "Big Money" attitude. (You know, "MY daddy can buy YOUR daddy with his pocket change" type of guy) He was such an obnoxious ass that I'd have never dated him any way.

Hmm....social misfit DOES describe him actually. he had all the friends money could buy.

 

[Dirtheart]

Well, this is a dilemma I don't have to worry about any more as she LJBF'd me. I don't know what feels worse, guilt or rejection.

One thing I should point out though is that now that she has LJBF'd me, I actually want her more than I did before. I guess it's a case of wanting what's unavailable, which is something we can all learn from.

 

[Caveman]

You don't want HER back.. you want her to say to you how she was wrong and that she still is attracted so that you can turn HER down. It's all about ego's really when you think about it.