S**t test? What was this?

[Findog]

Been seeing this girl for about a month now. I've been single a year and a half after the traumatic end to a girl that I was nearly engaged to:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=189489

Done a lot of casual dating since then, hooked up with four girls in that time. None of them were more than a distraction. In the last couple of months I've finally started to get some emotional distance and feel normal again. Met this girl and it's early, but things are going well. We are both 34, she is divorced with no children, she's been divorced for about two years. I wouldn't date a divorcee unless it's been over a year since they were single.

We've been seeing each other about twice a week. Last Thursday night she invited me up to her neck of the woods to see a comedy show emcee'd by a friend of hers that she went to high school with. (We went to the same high school as well but didn't know each other back then). She's a school teacher and has to get up early in the morning. We get back to her place around 11, start kissing each other a little bit, I begin to take off my shoes, and she says "Oh no, we are not having crazy sex tonight." (We'd already been intimate a couple of times before this night). I play it off nonchalantly, like "whatever, no big deal," and make like I have to go home since it's 11 pm on a work night. She leads me to her couch in the living room and we end up proceeding to have what she would consider crazy sex.

Last night I had her come down to my neighborhood, showed her the local nightlife area, took her to dinner, then we ended up back at my place. Good conversation, she's a lot of fun to hang out with, etc. After a couple of glasses of wine, we start fooling around on my couch. At one point, I get up and attempt to lead her to my bed. She pulls up and says "Hold up, I don't know if we should tonight." This really confuses me, but again I play it off like "No biggie." She then says "If I'm going to end up in a relationship, at a certain point the sex is going to wax and wane a bit. I want a relationship to be based on a strong foundation with an emotional connection with somebody that I'm compatible with. I don't want to follow some formula like we're always going to have sex every single time we get together." I said "Look, things are early and are going well. I'm not trying to fast-forward or anything like that. I don't have any trouble getting laid. If I wanted a casual hookup or a FWB, I can easily arrange that. I'd like to have what I once had in my life again. I don't know if that's going to be you or not, I'm still getting to know you, but I like you and want to keep seeing you. You're not just a hookup to me." We talk a little more and she says "I was so sore after the pounding you gave me the other night." And I tease her a little bit and say "Oh so that's why you don't want to have sex, you're recuperating." And she laughs and says "No, that's not it," and I reply back in a teasing manner while laughing "Ah, so this is just a power move on your part, trying to get the upper hand I see." We end up casually making out and chatting for another hour before she ends up initiating sex again. After we finish up, she says to me "I know, typical woman, say one thing and do another." We've been intimate four or five times now and the sex is pretty good.

This woman is the first person that I've been genuinely excited about since my ex and that I don't see as just a distraction to not thinking about my breakup. The pace seems to be healthy, not too fast or slow. Was temporarily denying me sex the last two times a s**t test? Am I handling it right? One of my friends said it's a sign that she just can't help herself and she's really turned on by me.

 

[Pair A Dice]

Whatever it was, you seemed to do all right with it. Kudos on landing the knockout blow.

 

[Zarky]

This woman is the first person that I've been genuinely excited about since my ex

This is your problem, I hope you're still dating other women. I'm guessing that the answer to that is "no" based upon your tone of voice.

The pace seems to be healthy, not too fast or slow. Was temporarily denying me sex the last two times a s**t test? Am I handling it right? One of my friends said it's a sign that she just can't help herself and she's really turned on by me.

She's trying to exert control over you. That's a red flag. Any woman who sleeps with you a couple of times and then pulls away has emotional issues. She will try desperately to control you, be prepared.

Last-minute resistance (LMR) is normal the first time, and for young women the second time, but after that it's a huge red flag.

 

[Yahooey]

I said "Look, things are early and are going well. I'm not trying to fast-forward or anything like that. I don't have any trouble getting laid. If I wanted a casual hookup or a FWB, I can easily arrange that. I'd like to have what I once had in my life again. I don't know if that's going to be you or not, I'm still getting to know you, but I like you and want to keep seeing you. You're not just a hookup to me."

A textbook response

"Oh so that's why you don't want to have sex, you're recuperating."

Perfect.

Fine tuning is the most that is needed. The only problem would be if she does it again, then your answer should be "Good-bye"

 

[runner83]

Yeah, sh*t test...apart from your long paragraph of b/s, you handled it pretty well..

Every single girl who has said something similar to me, where I haven't overreacted and just kept my nerve, we ended up banging later in the night.

 

[speed dawg]

Findog, you talk too much. Plus, you've already got one-itis for this chick. Just continue gaming this broad and don't overtly tell her that you have options. She can see right through that.

 

[SSBS]

I thought you guys were supposed to be experts here...

She is trying to avoid being a hump & dump. She wants to make sure you aren't just using her.

I'd say you handled it pretty near perfectly. If you like this chick, just do what you're doing. Don't try to read some red flags into anything. Believe me, real red flags are hard to miss. You won't need to seek them out.

Enjoy yourself. She might be a keeper.

 

[scrouds]

It is the nature of women to test and try and gain control of the relationship. As a smart man, you didn't give in. Kudos.

 

[Die Hard]

I think you handled it all perfectly. Just keep playing things exactly the way you have until now. The only thing you should be cautious about, is OVERTLY calling her out on her game.

Yes, it's a power move on her part, trying to get the upper hand... But don't bring this up overtly during conversation, don't go there... You don't overtly talk about it, you simply deal with it accordingly, through your ACTIONS.

Your biggest task, is keeping your confidence. You did handle everything perfectly but I get the idea it wasn't EASY for you to do this, and you might slip in the future if you can't keep your confidence high enough.

In the end, this simply comes down to keeping your emotions in check. Don't become too dependant of her, don't catch oneitis, don't lose the willingness to walk away. The more important and special she becomes in your mind, the harder it will become to keep your confidence high enough. As a result, you will start 'playing it safe', meaning: whenever she does a power move and tries to get the upper hand, you will let her get away with it, instead of opposing it. You will do this out of fear of losing her, coz you're afraid that she will leave you for not leting her have her way.

Ironically, she will STAY with you when you oppose her power moves and LEAVE you when you act weak to her. Opposing her power moves shows strength of character and confidence, things she finds ATTRACTIVE!! Giving into her shows fear and weakness, things she finds UNATTRACTIVE!!

Like I said, the more important she becomes to you, the harder it will become to oppose her and therefor to keep her attracted to you. The more important a girl becomes to you, the more you set yourself up for failure.

So don't!! Don't make her too important in your mind! Don't get your hopes up too high, thinking: "This might finally be the girl I deserve, a good girl who I can open up to and have an affectionate relationship with."

All women should be considered WH0RES until they have unmistakably proven otherwise!! Most of us are wired to get carried away when we see even a few signs that might point towards her being a good girl. We lose perspective and "the wish (for her to be that good girl we're looking for) becomes father to the thought". So we lower our defences, our emotions take us over, we start pedestalling her, we start acting weak, and then...we lose the girl. Pain, heartbreak and frustration are the result... I'm always prone to fall for this same trap, myself. Actually, I almost fell into it a few weeks ago! Luckily, I was able to correct myself in time. Make sure you do the same!!

Protect that heart! http://sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=15838

 

[Zarky]

so what's the status update on this chick OP?

 

[Findog]

so what's the status update on this chick OP?

Let's just say you called it better than anybody in this thread when you said this:

She's trying to exert control over you. That's a red flag. Any woman who sleeps with you a couple of times and then pulls away has emotional issues. She will try desperately to control you, be prepared.

Last-minute resistance (LMR) is normal the first time, and for young women the second time, but after that it's a huge red flag.

Sometimes you have to learn the hard way that it's better to spin plates. Bullet dodged. She is thankfully out of the picture.

 

[Zarky]

Thanks, I appreciate the update, I always like to see if my ideas are on the mark or need to be recalibrated.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Thanks, I appreciate the update, I always like to see if my ideas are on the mark or need to be recalibrated.

Zarky,

How do we get in contact with you? Got a couple questions I wanted to ask you.


Lemme know bro.







PIMP