RLE: How To Handle Girlfriend Seeking Validation

[TheException]

Many times men fumble the handling of a woman seeking validation in the relationship(jealousy sh1t tests mainly). Briefly let's explain why women intuitively do this....

Men should enter LTRs with being the higher value figure. Men should be "the prize" and the woman should feel like she has "caged you". She should feel like she has stolen you off the sexual market from all the other females, because you are such an attractive guy. If the reverse dynamic is true(women higher value), do not enter a LTR. This beginning step is so important. Never do the chasing......be the chasee.

So now why do women seek to validate themselves? I firmly believe throughout the course of a relationship, the biology of women seeks to rip down the big alpha man and turn him into a provider chump. In essence she will constantly be testing the waters to see if she has high value in comparison to you. This is not to be viewed negatively by the man.....consider it a form of flattery, as she has acknowledged your high value. React by simply......not reacting. Now....on to the real life experience....

Girlfriend texts me from work the other day.

GF: Had a service provider offer to take me to breakfast today lol (validation attempt)

Exception: I like the approach

GF: I was giving him information blah blah blah and he was saying blah blah blah

Exception: Cool. Sounds like work is going good today.

GF: So far! He said he was going to get me chocolate pancakes and coffee blah blah

Exception: Solid. He covers all the basics.

GF: Seriously! Sweetest guy ever

END CONVERSATION



That is how you handle it........

I laugh a little to myself and reply nonchalantly. I just don't care enough to get mad, angry, depressed, insecure, fearful, etc. It's not a big deal. It's really not.....

Majority of guys will start thinking of worst case scenarios and say stupid sh1t like "he knows you have a boyfriend, right?" or "blah blah Ill beat him up". Then they will feel insecure all day thinking about if this guy will ever REALLY ever take her out to breakfast.....he lets FEAR DETERMINE HIS MOOD.....no bueno.

Contrary to the core beliefs of CWAFs.....women WILL have to deal with other men in their lives. Period. Statement goes double if she is attractive(and she better be). Women will also say statements like this in a subconscious attempt to make you jealous. This would prove to her, that you are not as high value as she originally thought. This raises her value and lowers yours.....lower value = loss of attraction.

You should not worry about your women going out on dates with people from work lol. If you have to honestly worry about this, you have failed to screen for a good woman. Instead, the real worry should happen if your girlfriend ever STOPS testing you....it means she no longer views you as higher value.

Destination: Splitsville in the near future.

 

[TheCWord]

A+ as always, EX. Glad to see you and your girl are still together. Must be getting close to a year now.

I had a similar experience that yielded a negative result. A girl I was seeing was pushing for an LTR but I wasn't down. I guess as part of her strategy, she told me a guy asked her out. I just teased her, "ooh, look at you! Was he cute?" Etc etc

Anyway, she later said how the fact that I didn't care that other men were after her made her realize that I really don't care about her, and she peaced out.

Not sure if things played out that way because we weren't actually in a LTR, or if it was just the girl, or what - but just thought I'd share the flip side of this. I still think yours is the way to go, Ex, but it can have the opposite effect - probably if you haven't shown her you care about her otherwise, which you obviously do and I was probably guilty of not doing.

 

[Skyline]

So now why do women seek to validate themselves? I firmly believe throughout the course of a relationship, the biology of women seeks to rip down the big alpha man and turn him into a provider chump. In essence she will constantly be testing the waters to see if she has high value in comparison to you. This is not to be viewed negatively by the man.....consider it a form of flattery, as she has acknowledged your high value. React by simply......not reacting. Now....on to the real life experience....

I agree with this... I feel as if a woman will never stop testing you. Even women with very high interest will shoot you the smallest of tests every and now and then.

Instead, the real worry should happen if your girlfriend ever STOPS testing you....it means she no longer views you as higher value.

I disagree with this... Whenever you fail her tests more and more just keep coming up, I've seen and experienced this. I think it's because she somehow hopes you'll have a higher chance of "passing" or seeing that she isn't happy with you. It's like when you buy something expensive and then it stops working so you try to find ways to "Make" it work again instead of just buying a new, different, one. That's why whenever there is a sudden increase in tests, it's probably because you're loosing some of your value.

 

[El Payaso]

Something similar happened to me once at a restaurant. It wasn't from the girl BTW. It was from another dude.

She came to me visibly upset that the guy behind the counter said to her "We don't serve food like that but just for you, baby girl, I'll do it. Your voice is very beautiful just like you".

I told him off and reported him to his manager.

 

[TheException]

Double

 

[TheException]

Your failure however is in applying the mindset to her actually DATING other men, as you acknowledge in this statement here.

You should not worry about your women going out on dates with people from work lol. If you have to honestly worry about this, you have failed to screen for a good woman. Instead, the real worry should happen if your girlfriend ever STOPS testing you....it means she no longer views you as higher value

You have unintentionally taken this out of context or simply misread it...

The statement is not claiming you should tolerate women "going on dates" with other people from work. It is claiming that you should not WORRY about whether she actually will take him up on his offer or not. As in.....don't sit on the couch all day fearing she actually will go on the date offer.

So yes, you play the $hit test as it is, just like you did. But if she actually goes on a date, she is removed from the LTR pool as this is a capital offense.

Exactly

Recognize Exception that you can pass $hit-tests like this, yet still have your boundary in place. The two are not mutually exclusive as you suggest in your post. Not understanding this is one of the major reasons you do not yet recognize the value of boundaries.

It's not necessarily that I think it impossible to pass sh1t tests while having a verbal, overt boundary with a woman.....I simply find the boundary unnecessary. She will deflect men like this on her own, without such a boundary existing. If she didn't....I would not date her. Period.

 

[TheException]

He must have made an impression, she couldnt stop talking about him. We know this is a veiled cry for help...this **** should have stopped a long time ago....time for you to WAF my friend

CWAF through and through.

Prime example that green bars dont mean anything.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

Majority of guys will start thinking of worst case scenarios

:wave:

He must have made an impression, she couldnt stop talking about him. We know this is a veiled cry for help...this **** should have stopped a long time ago....

 

[zekko]

I agree with Danger in that you had the correct approach in handling it. However, I thought your dialogue was terrible. It sounded too much like you were making an effort to deliberately play it off, like you were reading from a PUA manual, too forced. I'm surprised you didn't say "You two would make a cute couple".

As you know, I have a no "one on one" date policy in place. However, I don't really apply that to work situations. She's going to have to network and get along with people. Now if she starts making it a habit of hanging around with this guy after hours, that's a different thing.

It's not necessarily that I think it impossible to pass sh1t tests while having a verbal, overt boundary with a woman.....I simply find the boundary unnecessary. She will deflect men like this on her own, without such a boundary existing. If she didn't....I would not date her. Period.

So you won't put up with a woman hanging out with other men, either. Good for you, I would have thought you would consider that "insecure".

In any case, the boundary doesn't change anything. You seem to think we follow our girlfriends around saying "Remember the boundary!" all day. No, it's a one time discussion at the beginning when she brings up the "what are we?" subject. After that, it's forgotten, unless she violates it. And if she seeks validation by violating it, she doesn't get an argument. I just get a new girl.

 

[The411]

Many times men fumble the handling of a woman seeking validation in the relationship(jealousy sh1t tests mainly). Briefly let's explain why women intuitively do this....

Men should enter LTRs with being the higher value figure. Men should be "the prize" and the woman should feel like she has "caged you". She should feel like she has stolen you off the sexual market from all the other females, because you are such an attractive guy. If the reverse dynamic is true(women higher value), do not enter a LTR. This beginning step is so important. Never do the chasing......be the chasee.

So now why do women seek to validate themselves? I firmly believe throughout the course of a relationship, the biology of women seeks to rip down the big alpha man and turn him into a provider chump. In essence she will constantly be testing the waters to see if she has high value in comparison to you. This is not to be viewed negatively by the man.....consider it a form of flattery, as she has acknowledged your high value. React by simply......not reacting. Now....on to the real life experience....

Girlfriend texts me from work the other day.

GF: Had a service provider offer to take me to breakfast today lol (validation attempt)

Exception: I like the approach

GF: I was giving him information blah blah blah and he was saying blah blah blah

Exception: Cool. Sounds like work is going good today.

GF: So far! He said he was going to get me chocolate pancakes and coffee blah blah

Exception: Solid. He covers all the basics.

GF: Seriously! Sweetest guy ever

END CONVERSATION



That is how you handle it........

I laugh a little to myself and reply nonchalantly. I just don't care enough to get mad, angry, depressed, insecure, fearful, etc. It's not a big deal. It's really not.....

Majority of guys will start thinking of worst case scenarios and say stupid sh1t like "he knows you have a boyfriend, right?" or "blah blah Ill beat him up". Then they will feel insecure all day thinking about if this guy will ever REALLY ever take her out to breakfast.....he lets FEAR DETERMINE HIS MOOD.....no bueno.

Contrary to the core beliefs of CWAFs.....women WILL have to deal with other men in their lives. Period. Statement goes double if she is attractive(and she better be). Women will also say statements like this in a subconscious attempt to make you jealous. This would prove to her, that you are not as high value as she originally thought. This raises her value and lowers yours.....lower value = loss of attraction.

You should not worry about your women going out on dates with people from work lol. If you have to honestly worry about this, you have failed to screen for a good woman. Instead, the real worry should happen if your girlfriend ever STOPS testing you....it means she no longer views you as higher value.

Destination: Splitsville in the near future.

I agree, and would react the same way you did but I wouldn't simply dismiss it in that I'd remember it as a red flag of a chick possibly trying to create jealousy and a slight one up of trying to "throw it in my face" that other men might "want her".

If it was a one time thing no problem. If it kept occuring of "just letting me know" then I'd be looking to bounce for good. I wouldn't need some chick attempting to control me by trying to create 'jealousy' plots continuously as if I should then cowtow to her other demands "or else".

Same reason I wouldn't do that to a chick I was dating. "Just letting her know that other women may want me." That's childish play to try to make someone you supposedly "care about" jealous and insecure. And I see no need for it as if a person couldn't eventually break up without having someone as a replacement or else they'd be lost alone.

I'd ignore every attempt at that but keep a mental note of the psychological attempt at manipulation and control then eventually go ghost. Ain't nobody got time for that nonsense.

 

[zekko]

I wouldn't need some chick attempting to control me by trying to create 'jealousy' plots continuously as if I should then cowtow to her other demands "or else".

Same reason I wouldn't do that to a chick I was dating. "Just letting her know that other women may want me." That's childish play to try to make someone you supposedly "care about" jealous and insecure.

Yeah, I don't like to play games.

And funny thing, my last few LTRs have actually complained that I do not get jealous. Because contrary to what the "anti-boundary" people might think, I do not walk around worrying about her being faithful. She knows what I expect and she either meets my expectations or she doesn't. And if she doesn't, she gets replaced by someone who will. Sorry, no drama.

 

[The411]

Yeah, I don't like to play games.

And funny thing, my last few LTRs have actually complained that I do not get jealous. Because contrary to what the "anti-boundary" people might think, I do not walk around worrying about her being faithful. She knows what I expect and she either meets my expectations or she doesn't. And if she doesn't, she gets replaced by someone who will. Sorry, no drama.

^^Exactly^^.

I tell them up front I don't cheat and never have on any girlfriend. (As I don't need to. I can simply leave and continue on with or without someone in my life and eventually meet someone else. People come and go. And they are free to come and go just as I am. That's life.) If they can't take the hint, that's on them. They can continue to play the "just letting you know" jealousy attempt game with some "real man". I'm not going to even let on that I see what they're attempting to do giving them a heads up to their nonsense in the future. I don't have time for that foolishness. If it continues as it's backfired on them? I keep it moving on my own and eventually to a mature person with a solid foundation and leave that last person where I found them.


I believe in letting people hang themselves with their own rope while I act clueless to the nonsense. As it's not worth arguing, complaining about, letting them know you're on to them so they can change strategies etc. Much less stress that way.

 

[TheCWord]

I'm a bit confused by some of the objections in this thread. Danger, PPRF, zekko, can you expand on what you see the problem is?

I get that you're saying a conversation about boundaries should have happened, one time, at the beginning of the relationship. Ok, so let's say Exception's done that. So now that she's spent one-on-one time with another guy and telling Exception about it, what is the red flag here? The fact that she's broken the boundary? Ok, but because it's a colleague lets consider this a grey area... The fact is, she told him about it? I would prefer that to her not telling me! Given the fact that this happened - and maybe it would've been weird at work if she declined this invitation - what is the preferred response here? Do you want him to remind her about the boundary?

I ask all of the above sincerely, by the way. I genuinely want to know how you guys would have handled it differently.

 

[zekko]

I'm a bit confused by some of the objections in this thread. Danger, PPRF, zekko, can you expand on what you see the problem is?

Sorry for the confusion, CWord. Some of us have been continuing a conversation from this rather lengthy thread:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=219823

If you didn't know the context of that conversation, you might be confused by some of what we were saying. Anyway, as I said, I have no problem with how he handled it, except that his responses seemed kind of too fake and try hard to me - trying to hard to send the message that he isn't ruffled.

People come and go. And they are free to come and go just as I am. That's life

Right. At 54, I've had too many girlfriends and relationships to worry about how this particular one turns out. Most of them end at some point or another. The point is to enjoy them and get what you want out of the relationship while it's there. If it lasts, great. If it doesn't, like you say, that's life.

 

[TheException]

However, I thought your dialogue was terrible. It sounded too much like you were making an effort to deliberately play it off, like you were reading from a PUA manual, too forced.

Anyway, as I said, I have no problem with how he handled it, except that his responses seemed kind of too fake and try hard to me - trying to hard to send the message that he isn't ruffled.

Fair enough. Im betting that since you and myself don't text every day you wouldnt see how this is congruent with myself. I am just not a big texter and reply this way extremely often. My go-to response is a simple "k".

As for "sounding too much like you were trying to not care too much"(say that 5 times fast), its a tough line. One side of people will tell you that you overreacted by caring too much and one side will tell you that you didnt care enough. I will always error on the side of not caring enough.

 

[In2theGame]

I would have definitely played that sh!t differently...

GF: Had a service provider offer to take me to breakfast today lol (validation attempt)

I2TG: Oh yeah?

GF: I was giving him information blah blah blah and he was saying blah blah blah

I2TG: ....::Just listening::

GF: So far! He said he was going to get me chocolate pancakes and coffee blah blah

I2TG: Why the Fvck are you telling me this? I dont tell you all the girls that flirt with me do i?

GF: Oh... I was jus...

I2TG: Yeah, you were just saying bvllsh*t about some guy flirting with you that i dont care to know about. Anyway, i gotta go.

GF: Im sorry baby. i didnt mean it like that!

I2TG: Alright. Ill talk to you later.

Put these chicks in their place.

END CONVERSATION

 

[TheCWord]

I would have definitely played that sh!t differently...

GF: Had a service provider offer to take me to breakfast today lol (validation attempt)

I2TG: Oh yeah?

GF: I was giving him information blah blah blah and he was saying blah blah blah

I2TG: ....::Just listening::

GF: So far! He said he was going to get me chocolate pancakes and coffee blah blah

I2TG: Why the Fvck are you telling me this? I dont tell you all the girls that flirt with me do i?

GF: Oh... I was jus...

I2TG: Yeah, you were just saying bvllsh*t about some guy flirting with you that i dont care to know about. Anyway, i gotta go.

GF: Im sorry baby. i didnt mean it like that!

I2TG: Alright. Ill talk to you later.

Put these chicks in their place.

END CONVERSATION

And now she'll never tell you if another guy is putting the moves on her.

I'm not saying GF wasn't sh*t-testing TheException, but at least part of it could be that she was actually showing some respect - like, in her mind it could've been, "I don't want you to think there was anything to it, but I wanted to disclose to you I had breakfast one-on-one with a guy. He was putting the moves on me and the guy's a total joke, we can make fun of him together."

 

[In2theGame]

And now she'll never tell you if another guy is putting the moves on her.

I'm not saying GF wasn't sh*t-testing TheException, but at least part of it could be that she was actually showing some respect - like, in her mind it could've been, "I don't want you to think there was anything to it, but I wanted to disclose to you I had breakfast one-on-one with a guy. He was putting the moves on me and the guy's a total joke, we can make fun of him together."

She shouldnt really have to tell me that a guy is putting the moves on her because she should know to put that guy in his place already. If she came to me with "this guy keeps flirting with me, I hinted to him to stop but he keeps coming on to me" Then thats when i have t step in and straighten it out with him.

What she was doing was letting Exception know other guys want to fvck her and in a way slightly throwing it in his face but wait did she actually go have breakfast with the guy!?

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

I2TG: Why the Fvck are you telling me this? I dont tell you all the girls that flirt with me do i?

GF: Oh... I was jus...

I2TG: Yeah, you were just saying bvllsh*t about some guy flirting with you that i dont care to know about. Anyway, i gotta go.

GF: Im sorry baby. i didnt mean it like that!

I2TG: Alright. Ill talk to you later.

Put these chicks in their place.

END CONVERSATION

I get the message here: she's wasting your time with useless information. However, I don't know, if you get visibly upset it could be construed as it does bother you that other guys are talking to her, even though the only thing that's actually bothering you is her wasting two minutes of your life. Not that fact that another guy is asking her out. A chick likes nothing more than to tell her girlfriends that you're jealous of other guys talking to her.

I had a plate that was like this, I was the only one she was seeing, and as relationship time-frames go, it was past the point up upgrading to exclusivity. We had met online, and from the beginning, I had told her that I wasn't going exclusive (I had a good reason for it), anyway, she would show me messages guys would send her, in the guise of laughing at them (as chicks do), but she was actually trying to make me jealous. I honestly didn't care, she'd shove her phone in my face: "look at what this guy said!" "And look at his sunglasess! haha" Me: "Actually he seems kind of good looking, you should message him back" Her: "whatever"
Then she'd pout for a little while. Then a week later she'd try it again. This time I'd just refuse to look. It had gotten to the point where it was annoying me. Her: "Why??? It's funnny." Me: "What's funny? A guy's sending you a message. What am I your junior high girlfriend who you share notes with that guys send you." Her: "you're such an a$$hole" Me: "I'm not the who's making fun of people." Her: "bu....der..." *hamster goes of rails*

Some of this $hit is just girls telling you about their day, as they like to do. Sometimes (a lot of the times), it's about their hidden agendas. Anyways, as far as that^ chick goes, that was the last of her showing me her online messages.

 

[In2theGame]

I get the message here: she's wasting your time with useless information. However, I don't know, if you get visibly upset it could be construed as it does bother you that other guys are talking to her, even though the only thing that's actually bothering you is her wasting two minutes of your life. Not that fact that another guy is asking her out. A chick likes nothing more than to tell her girlfriends that you're jealous of other guys talking to her.

I had a plate that was like this, I was the only one she was seeing, and as relationship time-frames go, it was past the point up upgrading to exclusivity. We had met online, and from the beginning, I had told her that I wasn't going exclusive (I had a good reason for it), anyway, she would show me messages guys would send her, in the guise of laughing at them (as chicks do), but she was actually trying to make me jealous. I honestly didn't care, she'd shove her phone in my face: "look at what this guy said!" "And look at his sunglasess! haha" Me: "Actually he seems kind of good looking, you should message him back" Her: "whatever"
Then she'd pout for a little while. Then a week later she'd try it again. This time I'd just refuse to look. It had gotten to the point where it was annoying me. Her: "Why??? It's funnny." Me: "What's funny? A guy's sending you a message. What am I your junior high girlfriend who you share notes with that guys send you." Her: "you're such an a$$hole" Me: "I'm not the who's making fun of people." Her: "bu....der..." *hamster goes of rails*

Some of this $hit is just girls telling you about their day, as they like to do. Sometimes (a lot of the times), it's about their hidden agendas. Anyways, as far as that^ chick goes, that was the last of her showing me her online messages.

Women want to stir the pot with BS like this but like you said... when she starts bringing up another guy for whatever reason... there is usually a hidden agenda behind it either to make you jealous, get a rise out of you, secretly crushing on the guy or just plain ol attention seeking from multiple men. Like Danger also mentioned above, in this day and age, Women want multiple c0cks pointed their way. One man is not enough to satisfy their insecurities and need for attention from whatever source.