Regarding last name (marriage)

[Aaron B]

her taking my last name is a requirement of marrying me

you messed up when you let her think she had a choice

as far as holding the door, i rarely do it for women anymore because of all the times a woman has known i was behind her and she let the door shut in my face

i hold it for guys all the time, and they do the same for me frequently

 

[5string]

She can hem and haw all she wants. My word is final, and when I get to a point where the discussion is over, that's it. No more discussion, no more talking about it. My way or the highway.

A marriage is like a ship. The woman is the XO, second in command, a very valuable member of the team. But the man is the captain, and in the end what he says goes.

Spot on scrouds!

 

[Bible_Belt]

I was married seven years, and my wife kept her name, but it was a courthouse marriage for the sake of immigration papers anyway. I never bought her a ring, wedding, or honeymoon, and her rich parents paid all my bills.

I liked her last name, anyway. It sounded good. A lot of people have horrible-sounding, horribly difficult to spell names that just don't need to reproduce. For example, the Cardinals have a relief pitcher with the last name of "Rzepczynski." Unless she has a Polish name too, that is a guy who should consider taking his wife's name.

 

[godofanxiety]

This is another shaming mechanism.

Well, it wasn't my intention to shame anyone, it's just my opinion. It doesn't really concern me if you change yours or not.

It is not about fragile egos or tradition. It is a clue into the mindset of the woman you are marrying.

If a woman will not take your last name, chances are great that she will take the role of "competer" instead of a "supporter" in your marriage. Is that really what you want to be tied to for the rest of your life? Is that really the character you want to risk a 50% divorce with, especially considering the family courts of today?

Is it really such a reliable clue? Where I'm from, tradition is still being held in high regard, with many women not even thinking about keeping their last name. It doesn't stop them from cheating or disrespecting their husbands, if they're so inclined. It's only a dressing, I think. Especially when people enter marriage for all the wrong reasons, such as "I'm too old to fool around anymore", "we've been dating for x years it's a next logical step", "my family wants me to", or "oops, the condom broke". Proper wedding, ring, religious rituals etc do nothing to strengthen the bond between a man and a woman.

I would respect her choice in regards to her last name just as would demand that she respects mine in others. I mean, if I wanted to marry the woman in the first place, then I should be pretty confident that I knew her well enough and understood the reasons for this "defiance".

If you are going to make an argument, perhaps you should consider the consquences of a bad decision as your driving factor, instead of insults and shaming attempts such as "fragile ego".

I'm sorry, but all this talk of "defiance" and such is a sign of a fragile ego. A man who would give a fuss about this is similar to a woman who gives a fuss about the size of the ring.

 

[Huffman]

In my opinion, marriage is a ritual. I mean it's only symbolic, right? So either she wants the ritual or she doesn't.

If she doesn't want the name, then maybe she's just not ready for a real marriage? Excluding, of course, business reasons.

 

[penkitten]

in my opinion, women who get married but cling to their maiden names tend to be selfish. they want their cake and eat it too. they want all the pretty wedding scenes and honeymoon vacation... and to boss around a man that they openly announce to the world is theirs and they love... but they don't love enough to drop their former single maiden name.
it's bull****.
how do you start a happy life together with someone like that?

this complaint is equal to a woman complaining that her boyfriend wants to shack up together but will never offer his name to her.


you either want to get married or you don't.

 

[handle]

I feel that you guys have left out the cultural thing a bit from this discussion. For instance, a lot of Quebecers get common law marriages and don't do the name change. The kids take the dad's name, though. I have some french-canadian background and so does my current girlfriend, it's assumed that if we ever got married she wouldn't take my name and I don't have a problem with that because it's just how it's always been with my parents, her parents, etc.

Beyond that though, I don't really see why a female should be expected to take the man's name. Who cares? I think it used to matter a lot back in the day but we live in a highly individualistic society now where nobody gives a **** what your last name is. But again, I'm probably biased because in my upbringing the name change thing is a complete non-issue.

 

[white.thomas4]

I feel that you guys have left out the cultural thing a bit from this discussion. For instance, a lot of Quebecers get common law marriages and don't do the name change. The kids take the dad's name, though. I have some french-canadian background and so does my current girlfriend, it's assumed that if we ever got married she wouldn't take my name and I don't have a problem with that because it's just how it's always been with my parents, her parents, etc.

Beyond that though, I don't really see why a female should be expected to take the man's name. Who cares? I think it used to matter a lot back in the day but we live in a highly individualistic society now where nobody gives a **** what your last name is. But again, I'm probably biased because in my upbringing the name change thing is a complete non-issue.

Agree with Handle, you should take this as normal. If she doesn’t want to change her name its fine because it might be the trend in her family. That’s it.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

HANDLE brings up a great point by highlighting cultural differences in regards to the wife being called by her husbands last name.

I tend to look at the whole last name, husband/wife scenario, through the lens of it's deeper, spiritual implications as it pertains to the fundamental perspectives of classic Christianity.

When I look at it from that perspective, there are definitely deeper spiritual concepts involved such as covenant-relationship, proper spiritual "covering", Biblical familial order, and a bunch of other things that are important to me, BUT---------probably don't really matter much to many of those who don't share my beliefs.

However, having said all that, in general, HERE in the United States of America, my observations on wives refusing to accept their husband's last names usually cause me to warn guys that:

If a woman won't take your last name, then don't expect her to take your direction ------as the Head of the Household------either.

In my opinion, unless she's really, REALLY famous or world renowned--------AND she makes her living mainly off of her name recognition, like "Madonna", "Cher", or "Beyonce", then you should definitely interpret her REFUSAL to take YOUR last name as the cold, iron-gloved, slap across the face that it most likely is.

Again, OUTSIDE of the aforementioned differences in cultures, you better believe that there's a reason why the majority of typical, married American women who choose to hold on to their own last names through hyphenation do so-------it's because they KNOW that deep down they'll be wanting it back again!

One example among MANY:

Eva Longoria probably only changed her name to Eva Longoria-PARKER to make it easier for her to drop his ass off COMPLETELY whenever it was time for her to become just "Eva Longoria" again.

...which, as we can see, whe's now known as Eva Longoria------once again.