Red Flags

Discussion in 'Don Juan Tips' started by Bungo Pony, Jun 12, 2003.

  1. Bungo Pony

    Bungo Pony Master Don Juan

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    This is a list of Red Flags I've created by category. Of course, some of these Red Flags will not apply to you depending on what you want (ie if you're just looking to get laid, the Red Flags for a wh0re would then be green lights).


    She's a Phony
    - There's just that something about her that your family and friends don't like.

    - She likes something just because you like it.

    - She's a different person depending on who she's with or where she is.

    - She starts becoming a different person, ie your similarities have suddenly disappeared.


    Inconsiderate / Selfish
    - She always blames someone else for her screwups.

    - She brings up your past fvckups in an arguement long after you've apologized for them.

    - She bytches and whines when you ask her to go (insert place here). She may eventually agree to go, but she's miserable during the whole thing.

    - You answer NO to some request, and she flips out saying "you're selfish", "you're an *******", or she counteracts with something like "Fine. Next time you want to (insert action here), then you can just forget it".


    - She does something to piss you off on purpose when she knows damn well you hate it.

    - She talks about herself and her life nonstop. If you try to say something, and you get cut off, or what you said is ignored and she keeps talking about herself.


    Wh0re
    - She fvcks off when you bring her with you to a party, bar, etc.

    - She's a single mother with more than one child from different fathers.

    - Her number of sex partners is greater than 1/3 her age.

    - She immediately becomes buddies with your friends, rather than slowly warming up to them. She'll try sleeping with them in the future.


    Emotionally Unstable
    - She has a history of addictions (ie drugs, alcohol, gambling)

    - She doesn't clean up after herself.

    - She complains about her physical appearance

    - She has been sexually, physically, or emotionally abused.

    - After she gets involved with you, she no longer makes contact with her friends. She spends her time with only you.

    - You have to constantly reassure her that you care for her.

    - She has no friends except for her close relatives.

    - She's in a hurry to get involved in a relationship.

    - She tells you her deepest secrets early in the relationship.

    - She sleeps / eats too much or too little.

    - She's a single mother.

    - She has long stretches of being unemployed.

    - She's between the ages of 14 and 26, and has been divorced at least once.

    - She says "I can't live without you".

    - Her friends/ex-bfs are total fvckos. They have drug problems, are suicidal, wh0res, depressed. People attract their same kind.

    - She warns you about one of her problems (ie temper), and when this problem comes out, she says "I warned you I was like this!".

    - She dumps you so you'll be better off. She uses reasons like "You're too good for me", "A much better woman deserves you", "You're not happy with me", etc.

    - She begs for you to get back together with her after she dumped you.


    User
    - She uses sex as a bribe to get you to do anything.

    - She has nice posessions, but has no job.

    - She flirts to get attention or free stuff (ie booze, money, cigarettes)

    - She gives hints that you should buy her something (ie "I wish someone would buy a (insert object here) for meeeee"


    Incompatible With You
    - She doesn't speak the same language you do.

    - The both of you have completely different childhoods; ie she grew up in the country while you grew up in the city, her family was rich while yours was poor, etc etc. This will most likely lead to different views of your

    futures.


    Bitter
    - She asks your family & friends to help her get revenge on you after an arguement / breakup.

    - She requests your assistance for getting revenge on her ex.

    - She brags about how badly she fvcked up her ex.

    - She blames all her failed relationships on the guy. Don't be surprised if she ends up going back to them.

    - She's on the rebound - in other words, she recently broke off from a LTR.


    Controlling / Posessive
    - She gets pissed off if you want a night to hang out with your buddy(s).

    - She talks about marriage or kids within the first few dates.

    - Becomes posessive after a few dates, ie constantly calling, giving gifts or cards, gives you 5hit for not calling her everyday / being home to recieve her calls, comes to your workplace, phones your family, friends, regular hangouts to find out where you are.

    - She's been divorced more than twice

    - She tries to convince you not to wear a condom by saying "I'm on the pill".
     
  2. The Bad Ass Canadian

    The Bad Ass Canadian Master Don Juan

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    Wow, Bungo

    Good stuff.

    According to these guidlines, my girl is a keeper:D

    I'll review some more, and perhaps see If I can add to the collection.

    The Bad Ass Canadian
     
  3. Clint Eastwood

    Clint Eastwood Don Juan

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    Damn Bungo! Fantastic post! Where was this post about 5 girlfriends ago.

    Seriously, I hope all the newbies, and hell! even experienced DJs, read this. Almost all of my ex-girlfriends fit one or more of these red flags. Only one would have passed the test with no flags. Pretty sad.

    Especially when I think of what a chump I was, by thinking that I was in love with such trash! (or psychos) I've had really bad judgement in the past about chosing women for relationships. Thanks to this board and posts like this, that is changing. And saving me a lot of time and heartache in the process.
     
  4. topdog3853

    topdog3853 Don Juan

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    The last few chicks I have dated seem to fall into the emotionally unstable catergory. :D I guess that's why I'm still single. NEXT!!

    Good post Bungo.

    It is it me or do almost all chicks fit into one or more of these catergories. I guess when you find one that doesn't you better hold on to her.
     
  5. Ashlee Angel

    Ashlee Angel Master Don Juan

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    Very good post this should be on a dj's check list if he is thinking about a LTR.
     
  6. DJ Logic

    DJ Logic Senior Don Juan

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    Bungsy, this post is one of the many reasons I take note each time you post something new. This one was particularly great though. Congrats, you have finally made it to my Wall of Fame! Pasting this sucker up right now.

    :)

    Keep the goodsh!t comin!

    Logic

    oh, and BTW congrats on your wedding. Wish you the best and happiest future. She┬┤s a lucky girl.
     
  7. The Main Event

    The Main Event Don Juan

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    I can sum up my thoughts in one word:

    WOW.

    This is *the* definitive list of traits you don't want in a woman, and an absolutely invaluable handbook on spotting these flaws before you've invested too much of your life in a bad thing.

    It's another reason why Bungo will be remembered as one of the most valuable members this board has produced--and, in my opinion, the best poster around today.

    I can particularly empathise with these:

    They're behaviour patterns that make you go, "something's not quite normal here". But at first you don't realise quite how fatal they are. They might annoy you somewhat, but you end up rationalising them away... unless you've had some unfortunate experiences already, or unless you've been alerted to their significance by a post like this one.

    Note to Bungo: The one thing that might be even more valuable than this post is the set of stories behind how you came to realise each of these behaviours are bad news. That would be one hell of a powerful read.


    I am
    The Main Event.
     
    1 person likes this.
  8. K Street

    K Street Don Juan

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    Wow, I wish I had this four years ago...My ex from then had so many I lost count. My most previous ex, who I still talk to somewhat frequently, had only two.

    I think having a different background is not as significant as Bungo does, as I think my background was so unique that very few have the same. I also think "She complains about her physical appearance" should be revised, because no woman ever believes her body is perfect. Rare complaining is merely confirmation that she is female and cares about her appearance, but constant complaining is a red flag.

    Read this again and again, people.
     
  9. violator

    violator Master Don Juan

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    A good guideline to follow.

    I would just add the following red flag under the Emotionally- unstable/Wh0re category:

    -She has multiple tatoos/body piercings.

    I know some of you who are in to them are going to bash me, but from my experience girls who have them are a little whacked out and are sexually promiscuous.
     
  10. Sting

    Sting Master Don Juan

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    Excellent list, but I would caution that the vast majority of women exhibit at least two of these red flags at various points in a relationship. To NEXT a woman just because she exhibits one of Bungo's (minor) red flags would be foolish (e.g. "she complains about her physical appearance" or "she fails to clean up after herself").

    I believe that a woman can be "trained" not to exhibit red flag behavior. For example, in my current relationship (which has lasted almost 2 years), I "trained" my girlfriend from the beginning that I wouldn't tolerate emotional outbursts, manipulative behavior, disrespect, etc... While there have been a few minor relapses, I think that my psychological conditioning has taken quite well.

    The ultimate question is whether you want to spend your time constantly searching for the perfect woman, or training a slightly imperfect woman to become the type of woman you want. Before your answer this question, you should take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if *you* exhibit any of Bungo's red flags (or their comparable male equivalent).
     
  11. Kwah

    Kwah Master Don Juan

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    - She uses sex as a bribe to get you to do anything.

    What is wrong with that? Well Other than the anything part? Sex as payment is nice for most things.
     
  12. The Main Event

    The Main Event Don Juan

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    Sex as payment? Well, there's a currency most folks would be prepared to deal in. And if it was a case of the chick genuinely trying to please you the best way she knows how--and not a case of her conditioning you to keep up the good work--then it wouldn't be a problem.

    But what we're talking about here isn't just sex as payment.

    Say rather that it's "sex as inducement". The spoken or implied deal is that if you keep following orders, she'll keep giving her body to you. Behaviour like that points to a monumentally twisted approach to life. It's classless, it's conniving--and, if you're at all interested in a meaningful involvement with an emotionally stable woman, there's plenty wrong with it.

    In response to Sting's excellent post, it's been my experience that some shortcomings are isolated problems that you and the girl can resolve. In fact, good luck finding a girl who is completely fault-free. Others aren't just problems in themselves; they are warning signs that indicate fundamental character flaws. Those ones are deal-breakers. I would submit that *most* of the items on Bungo's list fit this description.


    I am
    The Main Event.
     
  13. Bungo Pony

    Bungo Pony Master Don Juan

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    Violator- I'd have to disagree with this one. From my experience, this is just a phase that many women go through which ends somewhere in their 20s.

    Sting- This may be true to a certain extent. Some things she may do just to get attention from the male. For example, take the complaining about physical appearance. Some women just do it to fish for compliments. Some do it because they truly think that they're unattractive which is a good indicator that they have low self-esteem. It also depends on the extent that they complain about their bodies. If they have things they like about their bodies, then any complaints are just to fish for compliments from the guy. Personally, this is one thing I simply will NOT put up with in a woman. I've lived with it for 4 years, but I'm happy to say that my fiance has never once said "I'm so fat".

    I believe that a woman who doesn't clean up after herself in her own house is incredibly lazy. She may be clean for a while just to impress you, but when she gets comfortable with you, she'll start drifting back into her uncleanliness.

    As far as NEXTing a woman, it all depends on what you're looking for. If you're looking for a LTR, this would be an excellent guideline to follow. If you're looking for STRs or Fbuddies, some of these may actually help you find the kind of woman you want. If you're looking for a stalker, look for a woman with the qualities under "Controlling / Posessive".

    Main Event- This is a good point. However, one must decide what kind of flaws he's going to tolerate. Yes, this list may cause one to become picky as hell, but if one finds a woman who doesn't carry ANY of these qualities, he'll be an incredibly happy man.
     
  14. Deep Dish

    Deep Dish Master Don Juan

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    Has few or no female friends

    If a woman chooses solitude from her gender, citing she can't stand being around them, considering them loons, that to me is a significant red flag of bitterness.

    If a woman gets along quite nicely with her gender, having her fair share of female friends, yet proportionately having a lot more male friends, because she's HOT, that's different.
     
  15. ShortyBrown

    ShortyBrown Master Don Juan

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    Hey there!!

    I am a journalist ( and a girl) and I came across this site while doing some research for a story I am writing about modern relationships and while a lot of this thread has statements that definetely ring true, some things are a little generalised I feel.
    so does Alyssa Milano. Would you brand her a s*** because of that? I don't think so. I have seven earrings and a navel ring, and I am FAR from being crowned the town bike.

    My mother was somewhat of a loony,and was not that great for me to be around as a child. Women intimidate me,but I still take everyone as individuals. I have two female friends. I love them and trust them implicitly. I do definetely agree though that any woman who makes it clear that she hates others of her gender cannot be trusted and should be avoided at all costs.

    This is the biggest load of bull$hit I have ever heard. It's not exactly the woman's fault if this has occured. If you are going to be selfish enough to not take into account that your girl is a little fragile because of the aforementioned, and run at her first exihibition of anger, sadness, etc...you don't deserve her, or any other woman.
    That all being said, I wish I'd read this list sooner. It would've helped me see that my ex was a self-pitying, self-centered twit with a gambling problem. But I also think that a lot of this list has come from bitterness and forgetting to accept people for all their flaws and their past. We're only human at the end of the day.
     
  16. Survivor

    Survivor Master Don Juan

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    Your response to Bungo's tip about avoiding women who have been abused is typical of alot of women who discover this site for the first time. However, try to put yourself in the man's shoes and place what he states in the proper perspective.

    I understand Bungo Pony's advice because I too once was in a relationship with a girl who had been physically abused by an ex-boyfriend. It was once of the biggest mistakes of my life to get involved with her, not necessarily because she was abused, but because she had not yet overcome her past abuse, and seemingly wasn't doing anything to take responsibility with her own personal issues. Her unwillingless to face her own demons was the real problem. The past abuse was just the "red flag", the warning sign of a fundamental flaw in her character. See the difference?

    Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'm the selfish bad guy because I wouldn't "support her in her time of need." Well one, life's too short. Two, she didn't want to be helped, instead she wanted some other fool to hold her baggage. Three, and most importantly, I couldn't help her. I had issues of my own to deal with. At the time I was what this forum calls an "AFC". It wasn't a case of me "not deserving" her (how arrogant of you), but rather the two of us simply being totally incompatible at that time in our lives.

    Neither one of us were ready for a serious relationship.

    True. But at the same time its a balancing act. Tolerance is inversely proportional to self-respect.
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2003
  17. Sting

    Sting Master Don Juan

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    I couldn't have said it better myself. Unfortunately, it is human nature to ask for acceptance despite our flaws. In other words, "I deserve the perfect man/woman even though I haven't earned him/her yet through self-improvement."

    People in general need to be less tolerant of negative behavior (e.g., laziness) in their daily lives and in their relationships. If your girlfriend is fat, and asks you if she's fat to fish for a compliment, instead of "no honey, you look great," your response should be "you really have the potential to look incredible, but you could afford to lose a few pounds." Yes, your girlfriend will probably get upset, but why should you give her an answer that will only perpetuate her fatness instead of motivating her to do something about it? She's *your* girlfriend. You have to spend time with her, you have to have sex with her, she's on your arm in public, and most important of all, you may end up marrying her. So if you see real potential in her, why not train her into becoming the woman of *your* dreams?

    Women "train" men all the time, and have been doing so for centuries. Women re-train men in how to dress, how to behave in social settings involving married couples, what car to drive, what house to live in, etc... All of these things are about training and control to make you into the perfect husband; one that she can show off to her friends and family.
     
  18. ShortyBrown

    ShortyBrown Master Don Juan

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    Points taken lads

    You are absolutely right. There are some chicks out there who should be kept away from the opposite gender till they have certificates declaring them sane from the local mental health authourity. Same for guys.
    My mother kicked my @$$ everyday till I was 12. I alone made the decision to accept what had happened to me and get on with my $hit. I had a great support network that helped me out. Some women don't have that though. I was very careful (though not recently lol) about whom I became involved with-I didn't want to hang my $hit on anyone-thats not fair. Some gals don't realise that though.

    This makes me realise that I am a pretty lucky chick. I was brought up to think that looks are secondary to intelligence (and it's definetely not because I'm ugly) I personally have a real problem with women who do this. I also feel a little sorry for them because they weren't lucky enough to have someone tell them that they are beautiful, so they push that insecurity onto their partners.
    Not all women are like this. My ex boyfriend worked for the local rail company. He lived in a small house, and drove a $hitheap Volvo (he just got a new car).He was at his core, a decent hardworking creature with a good heart. I know that few of you will believe it, but It would not have mattered to me if he was a corporate head honcho, or a frickin' cab driver. He was a person whom had his faults, but I wouldn't dream of changing into something else. That's just wrong. he was a honey who I bragged about to my girlfriends yes, but I would not have liked him if he was something else. We're not all that materialistic.
     
  19. Kwah

    Kwah Master Don Juan

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    Interesting..... My ex tried to change me constantly. Really started to get on my nerves after a while. Course as AFC as I was I wouldn't stand up to her :(. But live and learn. Shorty makes a good point, I dated a girl in high school who liked me cause I was honest and straightforward, we are still great friends and I plan to have coffee with her sometime this week even though she is married and has two kids now.
     
  20. Bungo Pony

    Bungo Pony Master Don Juan

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    ShortyBrown, this is just a list of red flags, things that could be an indication of future trouble should a man get involved with a woman who carries one or more of these traits. All of them could be discussed into great detail in separate threads, but this is just a general list of red flags.

    I lived with a woman who was sexually abused, and I ended up carrying her problems as well as mine. A lot of red flags lead to other red flags that aren't seen in the beginning. One red flag can be a sign that there's more that will come up as the relationship continues.
     

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