For the past two years I’ve been dating a high-quality (now 28 year old) woman who has many of the things I’ve looked for in a long-term relationship. Presently, however, I’ve been on the receiving end of mounting pressure to take our relationship to the next level. In other words, to either get engaged or, at least move in together.
While I appreciate the “advice” I’m receiving from: (a) her friends, (b) my boss(es) (who have met her), and (c) my family, I can’t seem to convince any of them that its MY decision whether I want to either get engaged or ask my girlfriend to move in with me. In response, I’ve told them that she’s meeting my parents this coming November, but that seems to intensify the “advice” I'm receiving.
Among the comments I get are:
“You’re going to be 33, and she’s 28, so at your age 2 years is a long time to be just dating.”
“You need to give her some tangible sense of where things are going, because otherwise you’re not being fair to her.”
“She’s a great girl, and you need to do something before she gets away.”
“Why don’t you ask her to move in with you? You can afford it.”
“She’ll help you professionally. I guaranty that if you get engaged, your bosses will take it as a sign of maturity and promote you.”
On the issue of moving in, I don’t want her to move in with me yet – I like my privacy and my space. When the recent hurricane hit the East Coast of the U.S., she stayed at my place for a week because I had constant power, water, phone and Internet access. After that one week, I was more than ready for her to leave. She would constantly want my attention, cuddle all the time, be affectionate, etc… Likewise, she’s demonstrated over the past two years that she’s not a very tidy person. For example, she’ll leave her hair all over the bathroom, dishes on the coffee and dining room tables, water glasses everywhere, etc… When confronted, she always says “I was going to clean that up…” My response? “So why didn’t you?” She then changes the subject or goes in the other room to do something else. If she acts this way now – as a guest in my home – I can only imagine how things will be when we move in together and it becomes “our” home. She’ll probably take over and I’ll be relegated to a corner of the bedroom with my dirty underwear and socks.
On the issue of getting engaged, and in addition to the above-discussed annoying habits she has, I’m not sure she’s emotionally and psychologically mature enough to handle it. Marriage isn’t about planning the wedding. From what I’ve learned from divorced people, marriage is about being each other’s best friends (soul mates if you will) and being closer to each other than anyone else in your life. Marriage requires that you be there for each other through the good times and the bad times, and it’s the latter that tests your resolve. It’s not to be entered in to lightly, and certainly not something you do because other people expect you to do it.
Despite all of this accumulated wisdom that I have regarding moving in with a woman and getting married, am I being overly-cautious or unrealistic?
While I appreciate the “advice” I’m receiving from: (a) her friends, (b) my boss(es) (who have met her), and (c) my family, I can’t seem to convince any of them that its MY decision whether I want to either get engaged or ask my girlfriend to move in with me. In response, I’ve told them that she’s meeting my parents this coming November, but that seems to intensify the “advice” I'm receiving.
Among the comments I get are:
“You’re going to be 33, and she’s 28, so at your age 2 years is a long time to be just dating.”
“You need to give her some tangible sense of where things are going, because otherwise you’re not being fair to her.”
“She’s a great girl, and you need to do something before she gets away.”
“Why don’t you ask her to move in with you? You can afford it.”
“She’ll help you professionally. I guaranty that if you get engaged, your bosses will take it as a sign of maturity and promote you.”
On the issue of moving in, I don’t want her to move in with me yet – I like my privacy and my space. When the recent hurricane hit the East Coast of the U.S., she stayed at my place for a week because I had constant power, water, phone and Internet access. After that one week, I was more than ready for her to leave. She would constantly want my attention, cuddle all the time, be affectionate, etc… Likewise, she’s demonstrated over the past two years that she’s not a very tidy person. For example, she’ll leave her hair all over the bathroom, dishes on the coffee and dining room tables, water glasses everywhere, etc… When confronted, she always says “I was going to clean that up…” My response? “So why didn’t you?” She then changes the subject or goes in the other room to do something else. If she acts this way now – as a guest in my home – I can only imagine how things will be when we move in together and it becomes “our” home. She’ll probably take over and I’ll be relegated to a corner of the bedroom with my dirty underwear and socks.
On the issue of getting engaged, and in addition to the above-discussed annoying habits she has, I’m not sure she’s emotionally and psychologically mature enough to handle it. Marriage isn’t about planning the wedding. From what I’ve learned from divorced people, marriage is about being each other’s best friends (soul mates if you will) and being closer to each other than anyone else in your life. Marriage requires that you be there for each other through the good times and the bad times, and it’s the latter that tests your resolve. It’s not to be entered in to lightly, and certainly not something you do because other people expect you to do it.
Despite all of this accumulated wisdom that I have regarding moving in with a woman and getting married, am I being overly-cautious or unrealistic?
