Short story: I have been chasing this girl since the fall. Basicly I was playing the nice guy role trying to make her my girlfriend. She wasn't with it. Now I am ****ing her silly. The tricky thing is this mainly only happens when I see her out. When I text her or call her she seldomly reurns my calls or texts. Yet when we see eachother she melts. She flirts with other guys but always winds up with me at the end of the night. We decided we are friends with benefits. Last night I ran into her on campus. I played it cool small talk and then goodbye. Tonight I texted her, what are you up too? no response. I know she was up she's been on face book all night. What does all this mean? How do I take more control of the situation?
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power struggle? texting, etc.
- Thread starter sosilky
- Start date
Nothing you can do will change this.. She is controlling the relationship and you're as far as you're going to get with her. She is in the higher position where she has placed you only at a certain level where no feelings will be exchanged. There could be many reasons for this, but stop trying to find it cause 1. you never will and 2. it doesn't matter. I could list 200 potential reasons right now.
She has a wall up where her emotions will not pass. Any efforts to excel this are a waste of your time since she is in control. If desired, enjoy your continued random fvcking [under her terms, since you're unable to take control], stop trying to bug her via text, and find more plates in the meantime. If she's any bit of attractive, this should give you confidence that you can attract girls who are just as/more attractive/appealing that her; who actually respect your attempts at communication. Also, why the hell would you want to have an LTR with someone who flirts around and doesn't respond to you? Wtf? And, remember that if you were trying to LTR her you would've not been (read: shouldn't have been) a "nice guy" and taken a different path so that is basically your responsibility. This should be a wake-up call for next time, on how to handle attractive women who you see as gf material.
This might be hard to understand if you've never friended (w/ benefits) a girl without any further relationship potential, but if you have, it should make complete sense... That pretty much sums it up.
She has a wall up where her emotions will not pass. Any efforts to excel this are a waste of your time since she is in control. If desired, enjoy your continued random fvcking [under her terms, since you're unable to take control], stop trying to bug her via text, and find more plates in the meantime. If she's any bit of attractive, this should give you confidence that you can attract girls who are just as/more attractive/appealing that her; who actually respect your attempts at communication. Also, why the hell would you want to have an LTR with someone who flirts around and doesn't respond to you? Wtf? And, remember that if you were trying to LTR her you would've not been (read: shouldn't have been) a "nice guy" and taken a different path so that is basically your responsibility. This should be a wake-up call for next time, on how to handle attractive women who you see as gf material.
This might be hard to understand if you've never friended (w/ benefits) a girl without any further relationship potential, but if you have, it should make complete sense... That pretty much sums it up.
This might be hard to understand if you've never friended (w/ benefits) a girl without any further relationship potential, but if you have, it should make complete sense...
Perhaps I do need more understanding of this dynamic. I assumed an arangement like this would still possess a level of mutual respect and communication. Maybe the Ashton Kutcher, Natalie Portman movie isn't real? I guess I don't understand what i'm involved in. What the rules of the **** buddy game are. If I send a text and she doesn't respond i assume something is wrong. So i just stop thinking that way?
I understand that some of you are going to say, **** her date other chicks. I'm just trying to understand this particular situation and type of person more deeply so I can deal with it without feeling insecurities rise up.
And, remember that if you were trying to LTR her you would've not been (read: shouldn't have been) a "nice guy" and taken a different path so that is basically your responsibility.
could you please expand on this?
Also why does it still amaze me that girls like this exist? It's hard to not take it personaly. Questions like, why wouldn't she want to be my girlfriend? run through my head. How is it that she's able to shut her feelings off so easy? I mean she doesn't seem to let anybody in. How do i deal with that? it's a confidence killer.
Perhaps I do need more understanding of this dynamic. I assumed an arangement like this would still possess a level of mutual respect and communication. Maybe the Ashton Kutcher, Natalie Portman movie isn't real? I guess I don't understand what i'm involved in. What the rules of the **** buddy game are. If I send a text and she doesn't respond i assume something is wrong. So i just stop thinking that way?
I understand that some of you are going to say, **** her date other chicks. I'm just trying to understand this particular situation and type of person more deeply so I can deal with it without feeling insecurities rise up.
And, remember that if you were trying to LTR her you would've not been (read: shouldn't have been) a "nice guy" and taken a different path so that is basically your responsibility.
could you please expand on this?
Also why does it still amaze me that girls like this exist? It's hard to not take it personaly. Questions like, why wouldn't she want to be my girlfriend? run through my head. How is it that she's able to shut her feelings off so easy? I mean she doesn't seem to let anybody in. How do i deal with that? it's a confidence killer.
Rocket's got it. I'm afraid that you fell for the "If she's fucking me, she must love me" fallacy. A woman can fuck you and NOT be in love with you, just like we men fuck women and not love them.rocket87 said:
And that's about as far as you're gonna get with this girl. Her IL in you was mediocre at best and after much insistence I assume she said "Fuck it!" (yes, pun intendedsosilky said:
) "Let's get my physical needs met without getting emotionally/romantically involved."This right here tells you that you're not "her man," as much as you want it to be so. A good woman in love will not do this.
I want you to be perfectly honest with yourself and ask, "Who decided? Did I? Or did she?"
What I would do in your shoes (as long as you're able to not get emotionally involved) is to keep tapping it while spinning other plates. If you're looking for a LTR, this is not the girl for it. One of two things will happen: 1) through your plate spinning you will find a good one and should drop this girl or 2) she will drop you when she finds someone she falls in love with. Sorry man but that's just the way it is.
Good luck to you my friend.
There's no need to be insecure... I wish I could explain this easier for you, maybe I can help by telling you a situation I had recently. It's literally exactly the same, except for the reversed gender roles.sosilky said:
There's a 7 I met last month.
Visual assistance: http://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net...0104626611361_616836360_6848338_8021844_n.jpg
She was nothing special according to my standards, but cute and fvckable. I liked her body. It is important to note that, while I am technically looking for an LTR, by no means am I willing to jump into anything and I'm being patient and selective. I saw her a few times and decided to talk to her. She was a playful little sh!t. Sh!t testing me ("I don't even know you, you could be a creeper!"), so I adjusted my game to be non-chalant and really not care. That made getting her # easy because she saw I was indifferent.
I had her over and we got into each other pretty well; everything besides sex. I probably could have, but I didn't force it. I had to travel for 6 days, so I was gone but arranged a meet up when I got home. We grabbed some food and almost instantly fvcked when back at my place. She couldn't stop telling me how pissed she was that she didn't just fvck me 6 days ago.
So, this girl is looking for a relationship too. (Here's the money shot) She kept trying to push me to hang out more, doing nice things to try and make me her boyfriend, and contacting me to which I seldomly returned calls or texts since I simply had other things on my mind besides her.
Starting to sound familiar?
She was being nice and it was ANNOYING. It wasn't annoying because she was being nice, it was annoying because I wasn't fully attracted to her from the START. When I saw her, I wasn't like "DAMN! She would make hot babies for my future family which I plan to start in 3-6 years when I get my place out in ________ and have $___.__ in my savings account and accumulate ________ friends and ......"
Does this mean I am looking for a challenge? No.
Does this mean I am looking to play a bunch of mind games? No.
It's simple, really. I was interested in her sexually. There isn't a reason, I simply was interested.. in her.. sexually.. (This is where you are getting stuck, you have to accept this part for what it is and stop looking for deeper meaning.)
We decided we are friends with benefits.
Guess what happened when we saw each other? We flirted like crazy, kino, butt-slapping, teasing. All that attraction was still there. Guess what she was thinking in her mind when this repeatedly happened? He's melting for me! He likes me!
Most importantly, look at my situation (AKA the same situation you're little friend there is in!):
- I am spinning 7 other plates right now. (She is flirting and seeing other men.)
- I'm down for a relationship, but NOT with her. (She'd be ok with a relationship, but not with you. If you ask why I'm going to punch you through the monitor <3)
- She dons particular features that I PERSONALLY was not attracted to. (There's certain things about you she just wasn't attracted to. It's not her fault. It's not your fault.)
- She was WAY TOO NICE! (You are way too nice. Be nonchalant and unreactive. You should be a man with many options as your girl is a female with MANY options.)
- She liked me too much for not knowing me that well (You came on too strong. You've been chasing her for months.)
- It's not that I ignored her communications, I simply was doing other sh!t. (You are low on her list of priorities.)
- She probably knew I was on facebook all night on certain nights. (You should not give a sh!t about her facebook activity. Weird. Creepy.)
- She tried to control the situation when I was in control (The more you attempted to control the situation, the less leverage you had. Cat + mouse.)
Did my story help?
I covered this above. You were trying too hard. Girls see right through that sh!t. You cannot try to hard, ever, when picking up women. It is such a huge act of desperation. It stanks of loneliness and low value. I'm not saying you were slaving over her, but at the same time anything that even REMOTELY describes "NICE" behavior is to be AVOIDED. Save the deep thought processes for your future LTRs who give you lists of great reasons to burn brain fuel on them (makes you dinner, cleans the house, gives you full-on, hardcore fucķ action twice a day, walks the dog, massages your back, etc.)sosilky said:
In her eyes: "Why is this guy trying so hard with me, he doesn't even know me?"
You have been chasing her over a half a year. She knows that. It puts you very low in terms of value. Not saying that you should be the one being chased, but you need to just simply care less.
You should be really happy that you even fvcked her; This is a great testament to your looks/personality/etc. Great reason to avoid any stupid insecurities you may have due to this situation.
My personal suggestion: turn her into a female wing, start talking to her about guys that she's seeing next time you converse with her in person. Directly offer her an exchange of "services" by you helping her meet new guys, and her helping you meet new girls.
/flex
and her helping you meet new dudes.
what?!
Anyways so I guess basicly what your saying is focus on improving myself. Forget about what she thinks about me. right?
allthough i had a similar relationship in the past in which the girl wound up wanting to marry me. In fact I've seen this happen a couple times, usulay when the guy displays he has other options.
OK Allot of what you said makes sense. a hard pill to swallow but real
seems like the only lesson i can take is to up my value
what?!
Anyways so I guess basicly what your saying is focus on improving myself. Forget about what she thinks about me. right?
allthough i had a similar relationship in the past in which the girl wound up wanting to marry me. In fact I've seen this happen a couple times, usulay when the guy displays he has other options.
OK Allot of what you said makes sense. a hard pill to swallow but real
seems like the only lesson i can take is to up my value
^ Good post!
Rocket's got it right on. Sometimes people can be attracted to you physically but not emotionally enough involved to be in a realtionship. Seems a lot of girls have these situations and so do a lot of men. nothing wrong with as long as you don't catch feelings. And it sounds like you are.
Keep your texts more easy breezey and stop sending so many. Stop just texting her and include her in on mass texts wjhen you're out and about or close to 2am. That way if she doesn't respond you'll have 2 or 3 others buzzing your pants off.
Like everyone says, take a step back, enjoy the FB relationship and stop catching feelings. Ways to help this are going much less contact with her, seeing and dating other women, not staying over at her place or vice versa and changing your sheets the day after she comes over.
Best of luck and enjoy the fuk.
Rocket's got it right on. Sometimes people can be attracted to you physically but not emotionally enough involved to be in a realtionship. Seems a lot of girls have these situations and so do a lot of men. nothing wrong with as long as you don't catch feelings. And it sounds like you are.
Keep your texts more easy breezey and stop sending so many. Stop just texting her and include her in on mass texts wjhen you're out and about or close to 2am. That way if she doesn't respond you'll have 2 or 3 others buzzing your pants off.
Like everyone says, take a step back, enjoy the FB relationship and stop catching feelings. Ways to help this are going much less contact with her, seeing and dating other women, not staying over at her place or vice versa and changing your sheets the day after she comes over.
Best of luck and enjoy the fuk.
Hmm... u seem to be thinking too much about it. Probably it's ur fault, or probably it isn't...Remember this line: cop or blow!!! You will cop some girls while others will blow you out.sosilky said:
And that's part of the game.
If you are asking about this particular situation, i wouldn't refer to power, 'cos power comes when you are playing and she is NOT playing with you. She is just apathetic towards you.
She neither hates you nor loves you. She just uses you. So, stop trying. Use her in turn. And try out your game with her. Try new things (this mindset is important), and date other girls.
Everything will fall into place.
I should add that we graduate in a few weeks and she says she doesn't want to get attached because we prolly won't see each other again. Plus she said she's not interested in having sex with anyone else. I don't know maybe it's bull**** but makes sense perhaps i should have included that.
Johnnyventana
Senior Don Juan
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"it's a confidence killer." Your self-esteem should not be so tied/wounded to one person. You are giving her the power over how you feel. In other words, how she treats you, is how you feel. If she treats you good, you feel good. If she treats you bad, you feel bad. You need to detach and not allow your emotions to be controlled by another person. It may be hard to do, but it is a must. It is never a good idea to allow someone that absolute power over you.
Her not wanting to get attached because she is leaving soon is also the most basic of basic bullshyte lines ever! People in love want to believe that even with such odds, you'll find a way to be together. They don't all of a sudden become so calculated -- and a chick? She doesn't all of a sudden own her emotions like that. Plus, it is a convenient excuse. What about 9 months ago? She wasn't leaving in 3 weeks then. Think it about it.
Try your best to enjoy the sex. You'll appreciate the memory later in life.
Her not wanting to get attached because she is leaving soon is also the most basic of basic bullshyte lines ever! People in love want to believe that even with such odds, you'll find a way to be together. They don't all of a sudden become so calculated -- and a chick? She doesn't all of a sudden own her emotions like that. Plus, it is a convenient excuse. What about 9 months ago? She wasn't leaving in 3 weeks then. Think it about it.
Try your best to enjoy the sex. You'll appreciate the memory later in life.
Rocket:
I'm down for a relationship, but NOT with her. (She'd be ok with a relationship, but not with you. If you ask why I'm going to punch you through the monitor <3)
I'm afraid you have to punch me with your knowledge....I don't understand why.
Johny:
You are giving her the power over how you feel. In other words, how she treats you, is how you feel.
That's one of the best pieces of advice i have ever gotten. I never realized how much i let the way a certain girl treated me effect my mood. If she feels good about me then i feel good. if she feels bad about me then i feel bad.
Although sometimes if we don't gauge their opinion of us then we can just turn into obnoxious ****s or other character flaws right?
funny thing is, this girl is not a 10, people tell me constantly they don't know what i see in her. I think it's cause she is a feminist and that's such a challenge to me. To take over the mind of a girl who is so against being labeled by her male conterpart. I can tell you all that stuff goes by the waistside in the bed. That's where she likes to get dominated. But getting there....it's a struggle to get through all her bull**** first lol
I'm down for a relationship, but NOT with her. (She'd be ok with a relationship, but not with you. If you ask why I'm going to punch you through the monitor <3)
I'm afraid you have to punch me with your knowledge....I don't understand why.
Johny:
You are giving her the power over how you feel. In other words, how she treats you, is how you feel.
That's one of the best pieces of advice i have ever gotten. I never realized how much i let the way a certain girl treated me effect my mood. If she feels good about me then i feel good. if she feels bad about me then i feel bad.
Although sometimes if we don't gauge their opinion of us then we can just turn into obnoxious ****s or other character flaws right?
funny thing is, this girl is not a 10, people tell me constantly they don't know what i see in her. I think it's cause she is a feminist and that's such a challenge to me. To take over the mind of a girl who is so against being labeled by her male conterpart. I can tell you all that stuff goes by the waistside in the bed. That's where she likes to get dominated. But getting there....it's a struggle to get through all her bull**** first lol