post-breakup feelings

[TheTraveller]

So I broke up with my girlfriend of over a year recently.

It's funny you know, because I no longer feel at peace. It feels as if I want to give the relationship hope again now that she's gone.

It's like a vicious cycle.

Since this is my first breakup, do these feelings sound normal? Is this something that comes and goes with time and then I'll forget her?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Truth: Time does not heal all wounds.

Fact: Time with action can heal wounds.

Stop playing the "what if" game and look at the relationship through unfiltered eyes. Recognize the things that you could do differently and then put it into action.

 

[squirrels]

So I broke up with my girlfriend of over a year recently.

It's funny you know, because I no longer feel at peace. It feels as if I want to give the relationship hope again now that she's gone.

It's like a vicious cycle.

Since this is my first breakup, do these feelings sound normal? Is this something that comes and goes with time and then I'll forget her?

Peace is like a drug. It's good to have your life shaken up every once in a while. Use that nervous energy you're feeling to motivate you to do something.

 

[vitor]

Why did you break up. be honest so we can help you.

IF you cheated on her, it can never come back together
If she cheated you cant go back with her..

 

[azanon]

IF you cheated on her, it can never come back together.

Exactly how do you figure that? He broke up with her.

 

[TheTraveller]

i broke up with her.

These seem just like fleeting feelings of not being in a relationship again and the fear of the unknown. Which I think is better than the fear of regret.

Francisco is right - time AND ACTION will help heal and develop me more towards Alpha and life happiness.

 

[KontrollerX]

I'm of the belief that some wounds can never be fully healed as Frodo said in The Lord of the Rings.

However with the action of occupying ones time with new things and women a person gradually begins to pay more attention to their new good times than their past sorrows and thus are able to push forward in life.

 

[vitor]

Why did you break up, what im getting to is this Salavageable, is it something you really want anyway. Its so easy to get into this nice routine, dinner drinks sex, wakeup sex, breakfast, then see her later and repeat then dont see her all week.

 

[TheTraveller]

Why did you break up, what im getting to is this Salavageable, is it something you really want anyway. Its so easy to get into this nice routine, dinner drinks sex, wakeup sex, breakfast, then see her later and repeat then dont see her all week.

the LDR caused us to break up, all the small stuff was just that, small stuff that couldn't be worked out over distance.

 

[TheTraveller]

It's like you know I think we can try to work this long distance out rationally and maybe it will make me more certain of either leaving her or staying with her.

It seems like I broke up with her to be fair to her to not put her through the current uncertainty and potentially future uncertainty. If I try to think about it from her perspective, why would she want to stay with me if I'm currently uncertain about our relationship?

Was it so wrong for me to think like that and to end it before "potentially" something bad happened, like say me really hating the distance and meeting other girls. Part of me thinks that I might have turned more certain for the better.

So difficult to analyze!!!

 

[jophil28]

Are you being totally honest with yourself about WHY you broke up ?
The only legit reason to break up with an LTR is that the relationship is not working to YOUR satisfaction anymore. It AIN"T WHAT YOU WANT !
You appear to be unsure of your reasons or unsure of your decision.
It is NORMAL to second guess yourself after a breakup. WE all do it, and we all know deep down that if the relationship was QUALITY and had a good chance then we would not have broken up at all.
Remember this when you are thinking about calling her to "talk " - if you go back, you go back to the SAME woman,with the same problems and the same unfulfilling situation which made you walk away in the first place.

 

[TheTraveller]

Are you being totally honest with yourself about WHY you broke up ?
The only legit reason to break up with an LTR is that the relationship is not working to YOUR satisfaction anymore. It AIN"T WHAT YOU WANT !

Well, the relationship was not working to my satisfaction anymore. I couldn't stand the distance. I wanted to be with her in person and hated the separation. Now that she left I'm thinking this right now is WORSE than the distance. Knowing that I don't have her now feels WORSE than the distance felt. At least with the distance we could see each other every two months and hope that in the future one of us would move to each other.

You appear to be unsure of your reasons or unsure of your decision.
It is NORMAL to second guess yourself after a breakup. WE all do it, and we all know deep down that if the relationship was QUALITY and had a good chance then we would not have broken up at all.

How do I know if it had a good chance if I don't keep on trying the distance?

I know, you will say the distance made me miserable. You may ask was there an end to the distance in sight? Maybe in a year or so.

Remember this when you are thinking about calling her to "talk " - if you go back, you go back to the SAME woman,with the same problems and the same unfulfilling situation which made you walk away in the first place.

Yes I'm aware of that. But I'm also aware that if I go back then I can make a second effort at trying to overcome the long distance between us, see each other every two months, and hope we meet again for good.

Does this sound like the typical mixed emotions breakup, lonliness or something different?

 

[TheTraveller]

To add to that: It feels as if at the same time I'm not sure what I exactly want in a relationship but I do know that I want most of the qualities my (ex)-gf has. She may not be as sexual as me and she may have plain looks but it's like I lose everything else great about her just to find another woman with everything she had plus better than plain looks and more sexual.

It seems like then I'd be trying to find the dream woman and leaving a near dream woman behind. Or it could be that:
- I'm afraid to comitt now
- I just want to sleep with other girls and date other girls

and part of me says that just by dating other girls and sleeping with some will make me find exactly what I'm looking for. Or it may make me find nothing as good as my (ex)-gf.

The grass is really greener may not be the case and this is what is so difficult to deal with.

 

[TheTraveller]

Now that I think about it a bit more, she kept me trapped. She wanted a comitment fairly early in the relationship that we'd be exclusive, I caved. Right or wrong decision looking back, I caved.

 

[TheTraveller]

bump.

Update - I realize that I just hated the distance relationship part. Can one get over this or should I just let her go without trying to get her back?

 

[amoka]

bump.

Update - I realize that I just hated the distance relationship part. Can one get over this or should I just let her go without trying to get her back?

Trying to get her back? I thought you were the one that ended the relationship in the first place. Why don't you give yourself reasons why you should be in a relationship with HER in the first place. You seems to neither know the reason why you ended the relationship nor why you want to be with her?

 

[jophil28]

So you were in a LDR with a "plain" girl (your description) who was not as "sexual" as you ( meaning that she was not as sexual as you want or need a woman to be ). You only saw her every two months ---and so on.
What was in this for you -exactly.
You are 28 years old. Prime hunting age ! Go do some other women and have some FUN with them ! You are putting WAY too much value on one woman whom you are lukewarm about. Makes NO sense to me.
Plenty of fish, buddy !

 

[TheTraveller]

So you were in a LDR with a "plain" girl (your description) who was not as "sexual" as you ( meaning that she was not as sexual as you want or need a woman to be ). You only saw her every two months ---and so on.
What was in this for you -exactly.
You are 28 years old. Prime hunting age ! Go do some other women and have some FUN with them ! You are putting WAY too much value on one woman whom you are lukewarm about. Makes NO sense to me.
Plenty of fish, buddy !

Well it started out without the distance but after the first year then it was long distance.

what was in it was an amazingly genuine, non-affected, kind girl who truly loved me. part of me thinks that's so rare in a girl nowadays.

 

[jophil28]

What you had is the male version of what women do when they date a "nice" guy.
Let me explain - women date "NICE" guys to -
Have someone to fill the vacant spot beside them.
Have someone to take them out.
Have someone "reliable" to talk(brag) about to their G/friends
Have a chump to FAWN over them and like them MORE that they like him.

Women LIKE nice guys -women have AFFECTION for nice guys, but most women do not feel HOT towards them. Why ? Because they are NICE(= predictable,).

You sound like you were in a relationship with a NICE woman. However I note that you did not say how HOT she was or even how attracted you were . You are 28 -what are you thinking ?
Instead you called her "plain" ( really means low IL on your part) and you mentioned that she was not as "sexual" as you ( really means that your sex life with her was not what you want).
A man does not breakup to spare a woman the inconvenience or uncertainty inherent in a LDR. It is HER job to break up with you if the distance thing is not working for her.
You broke up because the relationship did not have the essential ingredients to make YOU happy .

Go find somone who rocks you.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

What you had is the male version of dating a "nice" person.
Let me explain - women date "NICE" guys to -
Have someone to fill the vacant spot beside them.
Have someone to take them out.
Have someone "reliable" to talk about to their G/friends
Have some chump to FAWN over them and like them MORE that they like him....

:crackup: A "nice guy" is the straight version of a woman's gay guy friends except that she could be attracted to the gay guy and would probably date him is it weren't for his sexual preference. :crackup: