Hey there, I was LJBF'd while I was about to ask for a third date. Very long post, mostly rant/outlet, more experienced men points of view appreciated, not very well structured.
I think my behaviour on and around the 2 dates has been my best so far, I'm slowly getting there...Give me feedback on my analysis of why I'm not a true man yet.
So it's through online dating, and I see her profile. It's not great, quite empty, one picture where you can't see much, but I message anyway since in my case I don't receive a lot of replies in general.
She takes ages to respond, so I completely forget I messaged her. After a few short responses, she starts writing very very long messages, and we exchange paragraphs to learn about each other (since I literally knew nothing about her) over three weeks. It takes so long because she takes up to a week to reply, each time, so I do the same while I game other girls. Her last reply is hasty, saying she hasnt been on the website a lot recently, and suggest we should meet up.
I'm quite surprised, first time a girl suggests meeting up before me.
First date:
Ice Skating (+ stroll and drinks afterwards)
Her voice is an instant turn off, but I try my best to get over it for now as I know I'll get used to it, but certainly killed my mood lol
We have great conversation, I hold her hand a few times while skating.
When we take a stroll, I neg her on some of her hobbies, we keep talking. I notice she walks very close to me a few times, here I could have held her shoulder already but did not for whatever stupid reason.
When ending the date, I lean in without knowing where the kiss will end up, and she aims for the lips. Great, could have been a bit better, but still great.
Second date:
Where it all went wrong.
Bowling (+ drinks afterwards) before she has to work (night shift)
I know I'm not getting laid since she's got to work, and I have this idea in mind that I should not escalate too far. Now I realise this was ****ing stupid, I guess it's only bad to escalate too far and not act upon when the situation allows it, but there's no harm in escalating hard when she knows that in any way we can't shag at the end of this date.
Great conversation at first, I start a tiny bit of kino when bowling. But I should have done more, instead of holding her shoulders when she steps back towards me, I should have let my arms entirely around her. I touch her a bit here and there, neg her a bit, then tickle her for her last ball to make her lose. She turns around, goes to tickle me back, we laugh and sit back on the couch. THIS IS WHERE I SHOULD HAVE KISSED THE **** OUT OF HER NUMBER 1. We just end up talking a bit and then we leave for some food/drinks.
While walking, we keep good convo, we walk a bit aimlessly. At one moment she slows down near some ATM, I don't really get why. She stops while she keeps talking about whatever. THIS IS WHERE I SHOULD HAVE KISSED THE **** OUT OF HER NUMBER 2. We go back to walking. In a moment of lucidity, I put my hand on her shoulder and keep her close while we walk.
We sit to have drinks in a bar/club, I chose tables as far away from the sound as possible. Not too bad, we can have conversation without raising our voices too much, so I just sit close to her. This is where convo went bad, I don't know if it's the beer or something, but we have a few moments of almost "girly talk". Biggest redflag that I should have seen coming, but it was probably too late at that point: she mentions going to watch a movie with her friends, so not as a date but really to watch the movie. I don't make much of it as she mentioned that movie on the first date. I think that suggestion showed I was already considered a only a friend at best. At one point, she goes to the bathroom. When she goes back, second short moment of lucidity, I rub my leg against hers while I keep talking and get closer. But ****, it's too late, she has to go to work soon. She timidly puts her hand on her leg, so that the back of her hand brushes mine. After a few seconds of silence, I go for the kiss, very short make out. She seems happy so I figure I am in a good position (I only realized all my mistakes later after being LJBFd), I walk her to her car so she can go to work, longer make out before parting ways.
No text at the end of the date or the day after from both of us. Three days later, I ask her availability on a particular day.
She drops the bomb: really enjoyed both date, but don't see it going further than friendship for her. She has fun with me and would like to hang out in the future, but would understand if I don't want to.
I panic, not as much as my previous rejections, but I still panic a little and act like a complete loser: I give her a call, she doesn't answer, so I leave a message saying I understand that feelings are feelings, but ask her if she is genuine about being friends or if she's just laying me off. She texts me she cant answer right now, I text her I left a voice message and then silence. Moral of the story, it's bad to wait for the end of the date to make out when you already kissed at the end of first date.
I post this both as an outlet and also to have your feedback, did I spot all my mistakes or do you see a few more that I should work on? IMO I've been LJBFd because of failure to escalate hard enough on second date and only making out with her at the end of the date (too predictable). In my head I had already planned how to get laid on third date and begin to seal the deal, only after she dropped the bomb did I think more critically about what happened. If you can list my main weak points that would be great too.
First off, I'm planning a date with a fatty to work on getting laid on first date and clear my mind a bit. Even if her profile listed "looking for love", not "looking for sex", she still has the category "casual sex" ticked, "would sleep on first date", "it would take 1-2 dates to have sex with the right person", I seriously hope I can pull this out. This is a good thing to do right?
Second, I legitimately had fun with the LJBF girl, and I really want to try to be friend with her. Why? Not to win her, I know that's probably never going to happen, so having this state of mind will only lead to bad things. But I don't have a lot of friends where I currently live, so maybe she could help me expand my circle. I just hope I can be cool with it, getting laid with the fatty should help me train my brain. Anyway, for now I am doing my stuff waiting to see if she will ever get back to me about hanging out as friends, she told me she's busy the whole week so I guess I won't have my answer before then.
Do you think I should befriend her? She might have some hot friends and she might make a very nice casual friend, but I might get my brain scrambled if I'm not careful. If stars align, we might hook up if completely drunk, but thats about it.
I texted two girls that I had to ignore for two weeks because I was already dating three different girls (one being miss LJBF, one looked quite bad so I did not go further after a great first date, the other flaked out) Being curious, I said openly: "Sorry I took so much time to get back to you, but I waiting to see where things went with another girl, but we decided to stay just friends, are you still up for meeting up?" (hahaha, "we" decided to stay just friends, I wish I was the one who decided...) +question about what we talked about last. One ignored me, the other one replied the same day with lots of smiley faces. Started making plans but our schedules don't work together this week, so I told her I'll get back to her about next weekend. I might be doing something with the only two bros I have here, and bros before hoes so I wont get back to her before I sort this out.
It took me some time but after looking a bit online from different sources and topics, I think I finally understand something:
You can never escalate too much or be over touchy, or go for the kiss too fast (while not going full retard, i.e. making out as saying hello on the first meeting), because anyway she will say or show signs its too early and you can then slow down, but you would have shown you have some balls. However, escalating too slowly or failure to answer her signs, that's a dead end in any case, just as in MY case. I thought that would be showing too much interest, but now I understand you should always answer her calls for physical attention. Am I right?
I think I got my "first date" skills on point, last big rejection was on a third date where I STUPIDLY accepted to go out with the girl and two of her friends (I'll never know for sure, but the way it came to be, I'm pretty sure it was a **** test to sort out the competition) but this girl preferred to take things slow and both first dates were great, so like an idiot I applied the same pace to LJBF girl when now I realize she's much more fast paced.
So if you're still reading this de-structured novel, share your experience and let me hear your point of view / advice.
I think my behaviour on and around the 2 dates has been my best so far, I'm slowly getting there...Give me feedback on my analysis of why I'm not a true man yet.
So it's through online dating, and I see her profile. It's not great, quite empty, one picture where you can't see much, but I message anyway since in my case I don't receive a lot of replies in general.
She takes ages to respond, so I completely forget I messaged her. After a few short responses, she starts writing very very long messages, and we exchange paragraphs to learn about each other (since I literally knew nothing about her) over three weeks. It takes so long because she takes up to a week to reply, each time, so I do the same while I game other girls. Her last reply is hasty, saying she hasnt been on the website a lot recently, and suggest we should meet up.
I'm quite surprised, first time a girl suggests meeting up before me.
First date:
Ice Skating (+ stroll and drinks afterwards)
Her voice is an instant turn off, but I try my best to get over it for now as I know I'll get used to it, but certainly killed my mood lol
We have great conversation, I hold her hand a few times while skating.
When we take a stroll, I neg her on some of her hobbies, we keep talking. I notice she walks very close to me a few times, here I could have held her shoulder already but did not for whatever stupid reason.
When ending the date, I lean in without knowing where the kiss will end up, and she aims for the lips. Great, could have been a bit better, but still great.
Second date:
Where it all went wrong.
Bowling (+ drinks afterwards) before she has to work (night shift)
I know I'm not getting laid since she's got to work, and I have this idea in mind that I should not escalate too far. Now I realise this was ****ing stupid, I guess it's only bad to escalate too far and not act upon when the situation allows it, but there's no harm in escalating hard when she knows that in any way we can't shag at the end of this date.
Great conversation at first, I start a tiny bit of kino when bowling. But I should have done more, instead of holding her shoulders when she steps back towards me, I should have let my arms entirely around her. I touch her a bit here and there, neg her a bit, then tickle her for her last ball to make her lose. She turns around, goes to tickle me back, we laugh and sit back on the couch. THIS IS WHERE I SHOULD HAVE KISSED THE **** OUT OF HER NUMBER 1. We just end up talking a bit and then we leave for some food/drinks.
While walking, we keep good convo, we walk a bit aimlessly. At one moment she slows down near some ATM, I don't really get why. She stops while she keeps talking about whatever. THIS IS WHERE I SHOULD HAVE KISSED THE **** OUT OF HER NUMBER 2. We go back to walking. In a moment of lucidity, I put my hand on her shoulder and keep her close while we walk.
We sit to have drinks in a bar/club, I chose tables as far away from the sound as possible. Not too bad, we can have conversation without raising our voices too much, so I just sit close to her. This is where convo went bad, I don't know if it's the beer or something, but we have a few moments of almost "girly talk". Biggest redflag that I should have seen coming, but it was probably too late at that point: she mentions going to watch a movie with her friends, so not as a date but really to watch the movie. I don't make much of it as she mentioned that movie on the first date. I think that suggestion showed I was already considered a only a friend at best. At one point, she goes to the bathroom. When she goes back, second short moment of lucidity, I rub my leg against hers while I keep talking and get closer. But ****, it's too late, she has to go to work soon. She timidly puts her hand on her leg, so that the back of her hand brushes mine. After a few seconds of silence, I go for the kiss, very short make out. She seems happy so I figure I am in a good position (I only realized all my mistakes later after being LJBFd), I walk her to her car so she can go to work, longer make out before parting ways.
No text at the end of the date or the day after from both of us. Three days later, I ask her availability on a particular day.
She drops the bomb: really enjoyed both date, but don't see it going further than friendship for her. She has fun with me and would like to hang out in the future, but would understand if I don't want to.
I panic, not as much as my previous rejections, but I still panic a little and act like a complete loser: I give her a call, she doesn't answer, so I leave a message saying I understand that feelings are feelings, but ask her if she is genuine about being friends or if she's just laying me off. She texts me she cant answer right now, I text her I left a voice message and then silence. Moral of the story, it's bad to wait for the end of the date to make out when you already kissed at the end of first date.
I post this both as an outlet and also to have your feedback, did I spot all my mistakes or do you see a few more that I should work on? IMO I've been LJBFd because of failure to escalate hard enough on second date and only making out with her at the end of the date (too predictable). In my head I had already planned how to get laid on third date and begin to seal the deal, only after she dropped the bomb did I think more critically about what happened. If you can list my main weak points that would be great too.
First off, I'm planning a date with a fatty to work on getting laid on first date and clear my mind a bit. Even if her profile listed "looking for love", not "looking for sex", she still has the category "casual sex" ticked, "would sleep on first date", "it would take 1-2 dates to have sex with the right person", I seriously hope I can pull this out. This is a good thing to do right?
Second, I legitimately had fun with the LJBF girl, and I really want to try to be friend with her. Why? Not to win her, I know that's probably never going to happen, so having this state of mind will only lead to bad things. But I don't have a lot of friends where I currently live, so maybe she could help me expand my circle. I just hope I can be cool with it, getting laid with the fatty should help me train my brain. Anyway, for now I am doing my stuff waiting to see if she will ever get back to me about hanging out as friends, she told me she's busy the whole week so I guess I won't have my answer before then.
Do you think I should befriend her? She might have some hot friends and she might make a very nice casual friend, but I might get my brain scrambled if I'm not careful. If stars align, we might hook up if completely drunk, but thats about it.
I texted two girls that I had to ignore for two weeks because I was already dating three different girls (one being miss LJBF, one looked quite bad so I did not go further after a great first date, the other flaked out) Being curious, I said openly: "Sorry I took so much time to get back to you, but I waiting to see where things went with another girl, but we decided to stay just friends, are you still up for meeting up?" (hahaha, "we" decided to stay just friends, I wish I was the one who decided...) +question about what we talked about last. One ignored me, the other one replied the same day with lots of smiley faces. Started making plans but our schedules don't work together this week, so I told her I'll get back to her about next weekend. I might be doing something with the only two bros I have here, and bros before hoes so I wont get back to her before I sort this out.
It took me some time but after looking a bit online from different sources and topics, I think I finally understand something:
You can never escalate too much or be over touchy, or go for the kiss too fast (while not going full retard, i.e. making out as saying hello on the first meeting), because anyway she will say or show signs its too early and you can then slow down, but you would have shown you have some balls. However, escalating too slowly or failure to answer her signs, that's a dead end in any case, just as in MY case. I thought that would be showing too much interest, but now I understand you should always answer her calls for physical attention. Am I right?
I think I got my "first date" skills on point, last big rejection was on a third date where I STUPIDLY accepted to go out with the girl and two of her friends (I'll never know for sure, but the way it came to be, I'm pretty sure it was a **** test to sort out the competition) but this girl preferred to take things slow and both first dates were great, so like an idiot I applied the same pace to LJBF girl when now I realize she's much more fast paced.
So if you're still reading this de-structured novel, share your experience and let me hear your point of view / advice.
Left you a message. Have a nice day!
