Overcoming scarcity mentality (when its objectively true)

[dudewut]

Background:

I am in the military, and as an Asian dude being stationed at a small town in the Southern US, this is hell for me. I think only around 30% of people in this place have seen an Asian guy before, much less be attracted to them. (dont give me the 'race does not matter' BS, it matters a little bit in this context) years in the war machine have made me a beta, I remember a time when I used to get laid a lot in college.

Now despite all this, I still get tinder matches (I must be doing something right) but we all know how tinder can be.

On top of all this, this place is pretty much a sausage-fest and there is a lot of worthy competition. Some girls actually avoid military dudes, so thats another thing.

So what would you do in this situation? Day game is out of the table because of my work schedule and also because it does not work well in a small town such as this (you can develop a reputation of being "that creepy guy that hits on everyone" really fast)

I have 4 months left in this place and I am trying to make the most out of it. Including getting laid, as part of my conquest.

BTW, ever notice how pick up is like diminishing returns? The more you try, the less it works for ya? And the more rejections you get the more the latent baby beta inside of you grows?

 

[wifehunter]

Your conquest is shallow.

Look, it isn't working. I'd focus my energy elsewhere. If there are no females around, it's an opportunity to work on yourself. You need a mission. Science? Music? Art? Culture?

 

[dudewut]

Your conquest is shallow.

Not denying this. But why not? Damn man, I guess I am going to call my ex

Mission would be getting into a good grad school, I guess and finding a better job after 4 months.

Edit: And hold on, is your advice really just to suffer through the dry spell?

 

[wifehunter]

Not denying this. But why not? Damn man, I guess I am going to call my ex

Mission would be getting into a good grad school, I guess and finding a better job after 4 months.

Edit: And hold on, is your advice really just to suffer through the dry spell?

School and jobs are means, not an end. What is your life goal?

 

[dudewut]

Scarcity and abundance are all about mindset.

You're about as scarce or abundant as you CHOOSE to be.

In my opinion there's no value whatsoever in believing that outside circumstances are to blame for your scarcity/abundance.

So delude myself? Otherwise, please elaborate. Because bro, I go out there and actually try, I am speaking from empirical evidence.

School and jobs are means, not an end. What is your life goal?

My life goal is to become my family's breadwinner. I want to make a lot of money.

 

[RichardTheFrog]

Backpage.com

Women seeking men

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

The more you try, the less it works for ya?

Yes. You are trying and failing to pick up women.

You are not doing and being. Doing = going out and having fun, living your life to the fullest (regardless of anyone else); therefore being and attractive guy. You're focused on what you don't have (yet), rather than what you already do have. And in practical terms, that's what Espi means by mindset.

Mindset is one thing, but you still have to go out and live that mindset. Currently, you are living the mindset of a trier, someone in need, someone who is scarce of something. To flip the script, start being someone who has everything and therefore is abundant. It's not a lying to yourself, it's appreciating what you already have (therefore being in the abundance mentality). At the end of the day, your life isn't that bad, even if you're not getting laid at the moment.

I rarely if ever go out purely to meet women. I go out because I want to and I happen meet people along the way. I've literally lost count of the number of women that I've randomly met in the last six months, by just going out alone.

To summarise:
-Your current mentality = 'I'm not getting laid, therefore my life it dogsh!t' = scarcity. Your life is revolving around getting laid.
-Your ideal destination = 'Life is great, I can't wait to see who I meet when I go out tonight'. You're not even thinking about getting laid; you know that it's going to be a consequence of living an abundant lifestyle.

It's a step further than diminishing returns; more about not needing to 'invest' in the first place.

 

[dudewut]

To summarise:
-Your current mentality = 'I'm not getting laid, therefore my life it dogsh!t' = scarcity. Your life is revolving around getting laid.
-Your ideal destination = 'Life is great, I can't wait to see who I meet when I go out tonight'. You're not even thinking about getting laid; you know that it's going to be a consequence of living an abundant lifestyle.

It's a step further than diminishing returns; more about not needing to 'invest' in the first place.

Bravo. You just made me realize a lot of ****. Im serious, you blew my mind. Ever since I was young my life did revolve around getting laid. I blame my absentee "father" who always equates masculinity with how many women you can attract, and how attractive said women are.

Any advice on how to fix such mindset? I am sure I am not the only one in this state of mind.

Edit: Its a tough mentality to deal with, especially with me who is more goal oriented/tangible conquest type of dude.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

I blame my absentee "father" who always equates masculinity with how many women you can attract, and how attractive said women are.

Blame who you want. My own biological dad didn't stick around long enough for me to find out any of his opinions, let alone those about women. The only person responsible for you now and moving forward is yourself.

Any advice on how to fix such mindset? I am sure I am not the only one in this state of mind.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to get laid. Sure I love it, we all do. What's needed is a re-learning of how we achieve it; or, how women come to be attracted to us (abundance), rather than us having to chase them (scarcity).

My sister gave me a book a few years ago called 'Whatever you're thinking, think the opposite'. It's an almanac of examples of blue-sky thinking from successful people through history. Basically, whenever you are faced with a problem, you can very easily re-frame the variables to provide a solution.... like I did above:

PROBLEM
>Lack of lays results a scarce life
SOLUTION (script flipped)
>Abundant life results plentiful lays

PROBLEM
>Women aren't attracted to me therefore I am discontent
SOLUTION (script flipped)
>I am content, therefore women are attracted to me
(this is about as close to a summary mantra as I can arrive at on the subject)

I am constantly flipping my 'problems' on their heads like this. It's a matter of brain training. Mindset is a physical thing (neuro-plasticity) that can be molded one way or another.

In the same way that you are responsible for yourself, you are not responsible for nor in control of the free will of others. You might work on a girl all night, go out on three dates and she still wont put out. That's life man. Take it on the chin, learn from the experience and move on. That's free will. Getting laid requires an indirect approach.

-You want a beer; you go to the bar and buy one - objective result. You've earned the money to pay for it before you get there.
-You want a woman; you go to the bar and you attract one - subjective result. You have an abundant lifestyle, you are confident in that, and that's what she's attracted to.

In both cases, you rely on what you've already done, you're existing being to get what you want. The success in getting a beer and a bird is knowing you can because of who you are.

Personally, I still have to practice positive affirmations and script flips every day, and I know I probably will for the rest of my life. An abundant mindset is not like riding a bike; like one day you just 'get it'. Or maybe it is, but I'm not quite there yet myself. For me, it's taken years of practice and I still have moments of pessimism. But I know that those moments are dark, and that my life seems to 'fall apart' when I'm not reassuring myself. It has to get to a point where you've told yourself something so often, it becomes a belief.

There's no one thing I can tell you, there's plenty of material on youtube, which I recommend you listen to. Try the likes of Brent Smith, James Marshall, Marcus Oakey, Zan Perrion and others. They focus more on what you give in to the world, rather than necessarily what you take out of it, which I think might help shift your perspective to start.

But, it's mostly a matter of your own practice, and re-learning how to appropriately react emotionally to success and failure.