No contact makes you look butt hurt?

[dk1990S111]

I am all for avoiding your ex and not reaching out to them for anything. But when I get a text from my ex (like right now) I sit here thinking dont reply but then I cant help but feel like it will give her satisfaction of feeling like I am still butthurt and care. It almost seems to me that once you are over your ex and know that you wont be going back to her in a hundred years then in this situation I should just be aloof and respond but just make sure she knows that she is bugging me by texting me.

Point is that I dont want her thinking that I still care at all. But that could backfire and she could think I am responding because I care, even if I do act indifferent.

 

[Night-hawk]

You need to choose one and stick with it. Go no contact. Or respond indifferently to her. Unless you stop caring how it makes you look then just do whatever without concern of her opinion. So much mental jerkin it to this no contact stuff.

Imo, no contact is essentially about getting out of your own way with a particular person/ situation, about getting unstuck of someone and moving on.

 

[sylvester the cat]

Point is that I dont want her thinking that I still care at all. But that could backfire and she could think I am responding because I care, even if I do act indifferent.

Makes no sense. You don't want her to think you care yet you clearly care whether she thinks you care or not. Who cares if she thinks your butthurt or not. That is the whole point.

 

[dk1990S111]

Makes no sense. You don't want her to think you care yet you clearly care whether she thinks you care or not. Who cares if she thinks your butthurt or not. That is the whole point.

Lol what I mean is that I dont care for her at all and have no intention of getting back with her. But I do care if she thinks I am butthurt because I dont want her talking to her (hot) friends saying that I am still pissed off about her leaving me and I wont even answer a text.

 

[Night-hawk]

This is a damned if you do, damned if you don't type scenario that guys tend to make up and girls tend to make men believe.

 

[thunder_god]

Who gives a $hit what she thinks. The point of NC is to not give a $hit about her and what she thinks and allow u to move on to focus on better grils.

 

[sylvester the cat]

Lol what I mean is that I dont care for her at all and have no intention of getting back with her. But I do care if she thinks I am butthurt because I dont want her talking to her (hot) friends saying that I am still pissed off about her leaving me and I wont even answer a text.

Then the best thing to do is go silent. With silence it is impossible to tell what is going on in your head whereas with a response all sorts of interpretations can be made. If in doubt always go silent. There's a reason people plead the fifth.

 

[apprenticedj]

I like NC in dealing with an EX, you two had your past, it's over now and NC is the best way to deal with it IF you aren't truly over her. I keep in touch with my ex but that's because I genuinely like her and I'm over our break up, we touch base to play catch up. IMO NC doesn't make you seem butthurt when dealing with a former LTR.

Now I don't like NC in dealing with prospects. Let's say a chick flakes on you, some would recommend cold NC but I disagree. NC in that scenario makes you look VERY butthurt and since I'll more than likely be seeing this chick around town again (medium sized city with a small social scene) I don't want her to think I was hurt AT ALL. I keep it breezy and casual, I'll respond back to texts but I won't reach out myself.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Lol what I mean is that I dont care for her at all and have no intention of getting back with her. But I do care if she thinks I am butthurt because I dont want her talking to her (hot) friends saying that I am still pissed off about her leaving me and I wont even answer a text.

You could have a little fun with this situation, if you don't give a ****. Text her back that "you had a great time last night, and look forward to seeing her again."

I know I've been so busy to 'accidentally' text the wrong person before.

 

[Between_The_Lines]

Your emotions are trying to steer you in the direction of "must..still..care..what..ex/ex's..friends..think/say..about..me" while your goal ought to be "doesn't matter what ex/ex's friends think about me"

Thought experiment: think of an ex from your past (preferably one who dumped you) How much does it matter now what she or any of her friends think about you? Have they prevented you from moving up within your job? Have they prevented you from working out? Have they prevented you from seeing other girls? Have they prevented you from improving yourself?

You know that hot chick that lives in Santa Monica with the long hair and the slamming body? Yeah, me neither, and I don't have a single fvck to give about what she does or what she thinks or why she thinks what she does or who she does, and this is where you have to get with this girl. Many years from now your ex will (in all likelihood) be just another ex you couldn't care less about, and you know what will matter even less? What she thought about you once you decide to go NC, which I suggest you do.

 

[hudpes]

You want to date her friends?

 

[Between_The_Lines]

You could have a little fun with this situation, if you don't give a ****. Text her back that "you had a great time last night, and look forward to seeing her again."

I know I've been so busy to 'accidentally' text the wrong person before.

lol

You could do that, but if you still care what she (or her friends) think about you, and this backfires (i.e. she calls your bluff), get ready to feel more or less like they ran a one hour exclusive story on you and your micropenis in the news - that's how low you'll feel.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I've always said NC=butt hurt. It's better than going raging AFC, but it is by no means an optimal result. I think a good metaphor would be that NC is like an emergency landing of a plane. It's great that no one died, but you totaled the plane, so it's nothing to be compared to a flawless landing. It's just the best you could do at the time.

I had a bpd ex who was a good example of the flippant attitude that is optimal in dealing with an ex. She'd text "Love ya babe! XOXO," and then close her phone and completely forget about whoever she had just texted. Ambivalence is what you want. NC can be a crutch to get there, but it's still that ambivalence that should be the ultimate goal.

 

[Between_The_Lines]

I have a very vivid memory of my ex describing how every single one of her exes always reached back out to her eventually with a huge pompous grin. I can still not just hear but actually see her saying it: "they always come back..." What sucks is that I am one of those who "came back", but not this time. Try envisioning your ex saying something like that, maybe over some wine with all her friends, maybe with the new guy, and tell me what, if anything, do you want to write to her now. NC my friend. Let her chew on nothing.

 

[Heisenberg]

I guess it depends on what you want. If you want to leave open the possibility of dating this girl again (on your terms, her doing the chasing) then short, indifferent responses can play here. But if this girl is just bad for your health then continue the NC. Who cares if she thinks you're butt hurt? If you never want to see her again, then the only reason you'd give a **** about how she perceives you is if you have some sort of ego problem you gotta get in check, in which case, you should start working on that rather than worrying about this chick.

 

[dk1990S111]

Your emotions are trying to steer you in the direction of "must..still..care..what..ex/ex's..friends..think/say..about..me" while your goal ought to be "doesn't matter what ex/ex's friends think about me"

Thought experiment: think of an ex from your past (preferably one who dumped you) How much does it matter now what she or any of her friends think about you? Have they prevented you from moving up within your job? Have they prevented you from working out? Have they prevented you from seeing other girls? Have they prevented you from improving yourself?

You know that hot chick that lives in Santa Monica with the long hair and the slamming body? Yeah, me neither, and I don't have a single fvck to give about what she does or what she thinks or why she thinks what she does or who she does, and this is where you have to get with this girl. Many years from now your ex will (in all likelihood) be just another ex you couldn't care less about, and you know what will matter even less? What she thought about you once you decide to go NC, which I suggest you do.

Wait, did I post that she lives in Santa Monica in another thread or was that a coincidence? Lol weird. Ya I get what you mean, I was just thinking that NC just seems like it's a tool to help get over a chick. Once you are over it and never reconsidering getting back with her I think it's more "alpha" to just act like nothing happened and you have no issue talking to her. Sure, she doesn't even deserve to talk to you if she fvcked things up but why give her the pleasure of knowing you still let her effect you enough to not reply to a text.

I called an ex up a few years ago to check in with her, we were together for about 3 years. She picked up and I told her who it was and she just pretended she had no idea who I was. Just made her look dumb and childish in the end, and very clear that she was still butt hurt.

 

[sylvester the cat]

but why give her the pleasure of knowing you still let her effect you enough to not reply to a text.

Or, why give her the pleasure of knowing you stil let her affect you enough to reply to a text.

The butthurt is in you either way or, it isn't. Your choice.

 

[vinkoch]

unless she's harassing you I think nc is childish. just be friendly and neutral and respond. she can always lie to her friends about you anyway.

 

[Between_The_Lines]

Or, why give her the pleasure of knowing you stil let her affect you enough to reply to a text.

The butthurt is in you either way or, it isn't. Your choice.

Exactly.

Why can't it be "alpha" to see it as beneath you to even take the few seconds required to respond to her? Think of your typical sneering politician who smiles at belligerent riff-raff as he walks from point A to point B at a rally without ever addressing their concerns. "Ain't nobody got time fo dat!" It's all in your head - what she thinks, what her friends think, if it will affect her, if it won't, if you'll seem butthurt, if you won't. As time passes none of that will matter. In only seems important now because you're emotionally invested. Once you emotionally disconnect it will affect you as much as that one time years ago that you misplaced your keys or that one time you showed up late to work and your boss greeted you with a look of disapproval.

Btw, is she really from Santa Monica? Pure coincidence haha

 

[Brighty]

I think you're over-analyzing it.

As someone who got out of a LTR in February, I dropped my ego on the forums and just vented and made a topic and probably acted like I was back being a 16 year old AFC. It was my first serious LTR and we lived together for half a year, it hurt real bad when it ended. Immediately

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=160056

became my bible, and I would constantly post in that thread with updates on doing NC. It helped me out a lot, and I was doing great with NC until we ran into each other at a bar and she texted me afterward. I broke NC and kept it to three text messages, each being polite but curt and precise. I wished her well and that was that.

And literally, just like in another great thread about NC ( http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=155594 ) - it was almost prophetic:

Two months later I noticed she was favoriting some of my Twitter posts, and I ignored it. Then two weeks after I get an email from her pouring out her heart and soul and wanting to talk to me. Never thought she'd do that, but where NC shines is that the other party tends to over-analyze a non-response. If you give them a response its easier to suss out and deduce their intention or if they still have a hold on you, etc. Long story short, she knows I get a lot of email so I just didn't respond to it and pretended I never saw it.

In the end, I think that if you have to talk to them (i.e. they go and approach you or you're forced into a social situation with them) be cordial, be polite, but distance yourself at every opportunity you can. You're your own man again, you don't owe her anything.