Neon Owl's NC BPD Diary

[Neon Owl]

So i slipped up again. My ex bpd girlfriend txtd me for the second week in a row since I broke up with her and I replied...I know I shouldn't have but I just wanted to see her even though I knew we would never be exclusive again.

Last week she txtd me saying "I'm missing you x" a week after the breakup. I stupidly replied and the next morning she said she was drunk and we should leave things as they are.

Then last night (2 weeks after the breakup) she sent me a txt saying "sorry I know i shouldn't txt you, sorry x"
I replied saying "You can txt me if you want i don't mind but if you're just messing with my head like last time don't bother"
She replied "sorry!"
Then this morning and all day I've been waiting patiently like a total b1tch for her to contact me again hoping she'll ask me to get back with her.
I waited until late afternoon and sent her a txt saying "I'll be honest I still think about you a lot. What are you doing tonight I want to talk to you"
She replied "Sorry I'm at a mate's house getting ready to go out what is it you want to talk about? I still think it's best we stay friends hun"
I replied "So why do you keep txting me every week since we split up?"
No reply so after an hour I realised I'm just like a mouse being toyed with by a cat. She's doing this for validation and not because she actually misses me in any way.
So I sent her one last txt "Do me a favour and don't txt me again I don't care if you're drunk it's no excuse. Have a nice life"
She replied "ok"

I'll be extremely surprised if i never hear from her again. If it's not next weekend it won't be long after but when it does happen i WILL NOT be replying. I've wasted these past 2 weeks kidding myself I could get back with her when I could have been recovering and moving on with my life.

So today is day no.1 of no contact. Not sure how long it will be before I feel normal again but it can't come soon enough for me.

Wish me luck. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

 

[HeadLightsOn]

As many posts here have said, delete ALL her contact details - FB, Cell, email etc.

Stay strong, the outcome of not maintaining NC is FAR worse than if you give in.

 

[Neon Owl]

As many posts here have said, delete ALL her contact details - FB, Cell, email etc.

Stay strong, the outcome of not maintaining NC is FAR worse than if you give in.

Thanks man. I delete her number every time she txts me. I do it every time to avoid the temptation of getting back in touch.

She warped my mind and i want nothing more to do with her. I can't imagine what it's like to have a relationship with a sane woman, I'm looking forward to finding out though!

 

[Die Hard]

There are Apps for your mobile phone that can filter text messages. Whenever she texts, the message will not get in your text inbox.

Having the self control not to reply to her texts, is difficult. And even if you keep yourself from texting back, the simple fact that you read her message will fvck with your mind.

So I strongly advice you to get one of those Apps.

 

[Neon Owl]

And this behaviour will NEVER change. They are emotional parasites and continued involvement with a bpd will send you to the ‘nut house’. They are your worst nightmare come true and are manifestly incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship.

This is something I've only realised these past couple of weeks. I've read pretty much every thread on here about bpd women and I'm amazed I didn't allow myself to see this earlier on in the relationship. Thinking back I always knew something was a bit off with her from the very beginning but I didn't allow myself to acknowledge it as I was wrapped up in her "love" for me.

I was only with her for 7 months but the damage she did in that time was monumental. I'm just glad i got out when I did.

The only thing keeping me going right now is knowing that i will be a stronger person for going through this in the end. I'll never let a woman control my life again. Time to gain my self respect back.

 

[Neon Owl]

There are Apps for your mobile phone that can filter text messages. Whenever she texts, the message will not get in your text inbox.

Having the self control not to reply to her texts, is difficult. And even if you keep yourself from texting back, the simple fact that you read her message will fvck with your mind.

So I strongly advice you to get one of those Apps.

That's a good idea, however I assume I'd have to have her number stored in the app for it to block her txts? I don't think that's a good idea to have her number in my phone I'd rather just delete it every time she gets in touch. That way there's no temptation for me to get in contact with her.

I know exactly what she'll be txting me because she's done it so many times before. It'll be something along the lines of "I know I shouldn't txt you but I'm missing you x"
I can see right through it now I don't think it'll be a problem for me when they start again. If I'm wrong and it sends me weak at the knees then I'll get an app like you recommended.

 

[Neon Owl]

What do you know. Got another txt from her at 6am this morning saying "sorry". Deleted the text with no reply when I found it this morning.

Day 2 of NC.

 

[Neon Owl]

Day 3 of NC. Feel depressed as fvck today. Had a dream about her last night where I met up with her and I ended up nearly having sex with her then I woke up and just laid in bed for an hour or 2 going over my memories of her both good and bad.

On a more positive note I've got a date with a girl this friday. Hope I can shake off this depression by then...I think just spending time in some female company will make me feel a bit better tbh. That's one of the things I miss most about my ex is having that feminine energy around me.

 

[5string]

Day 3 of NC. Feel depressed as fvck today. Had a dream about her last night where I met up with her and I ended up nearly having sex with her then I woke up and just laid in bed for an hour or 2 going over my memories of her both good and bad.

On a more positive note I've got a date with a girl this friday. Hope I can shake off this depression by then...I think just spending time in some female company will make me feel a bit better tbh. That's one of the things I miss most about my ex is having that feminine energy around me.

OWL

With all respect, listen the fvck up brother. Get this chick and her hamster out of your head before it get's bruised from the inside out. Concentrate on your new women and let this one the fvck go. Do it.