Need some help in my relationship

[Anonymous56]

Ok let me give a little backround about myself. I grew up being a very anxious person. I have had social anxiety my whole life and only the last year or two have I started to accept it and do the things I want to do. I didn't really start going out or meeting girls until this year (my sophomore year of college). I actually met 3 girls in about 3 months and the 3rd one is my current girlfriend of 3 months.

This girl was actually in one of my classes my freshman year and apparently she has liked me since that day (we were casually friends). So I found this out and took it upon myself to go and get her. The first month we started seeing eachother was AWESOME. She always made moves on me. I got constant BJ's all the time, we had sex every opportunity we could. The second month (may), the BJ's, minus the pre-sex BJ's, were pretty much gone but we were still having pretty good sex. As in she was still making moves on me etc.. June things started to slow down a bit...we still had sex but 99 percent of the time I initiated everything. Im not going to say I had to beg for it, but it seemed it took a lot more work to get it.

What I am going to tell you next is going to make most of you laugh. Ok there is something I need to explain. Having social anxiety is the constant stream of useless, negative thoughts that run through your head. Trying to get rid of them or reason yourself out of them just feeds them. I just started seeing a psychiatrist about this yesterday, and he gave me some methods to help. The problem is, I didn't know these methods before I made the mistakes with her that I did. The only method I knew for curing these thoughts was getting reassurance from her that her interest was still there. This led to me getting really really gay and always questioning her interest. Are you even attracted to me anymore? Why don't you like me as much anymore? These are the questions I actually asked her.

Now in July, we still see eachother all the time. She still calls me all the time, but its little things that are bothering me. She doesn't get as excited to see me. We used to kiss all the time; now its like a struggle just to get a kiss. And it seems like I am over there to ENTERTAIN her. So the relationship seems to be about her and not us.

Now I know the reason for all of this is that she liked me for a year so she showed great interest in me to GET ME. Well now she knows she got me so she is definatately slowing down. It was my fault during the last month to actually express any kind of romantic feelings toward her.

Im not saying our relationship is going down the ****ter. We still get a long, we still hang out all the time, she still calls me all the time. I just want her to get really excited to see me again. I want her to initiate the sex. I want her to beg for me to come over like she used to.

What do I do, without coming off like I don't like her anymore, to get this back? I know a method is to show a lack of interest, but I don't want to come off as not liking her because I really do.

 

[Anonymous56]

Oh by the way were both turning 21 over winter. She is a senior and I will be a junior.

 

[jdr120]

Sounds like her interest level is getting low maybe because you have developed a rutine... There's no "spice" so to speak. You may think about canceling a date one or twice, or go a few days without talking to her.. You could also get creative and suprise her with something.. not flowers or stuff like that, but take her somewhere exciting... don't tell her where you're going, and have something cool planned... and maybe sometimes out of nowhere just slap her ass.. chicks love that!

 

[JohnJones]

I hate to say it, but you need to read the bible (I'm sure you already have, but you know what I mean). To an extent, you need to start doing now what you should have been doing the past few months.

Also, no matter how you do it, a relationship settles in to a certain extent and the initial enthusiasm for sex, etc., dies down.

You should try being a little more scarce, come up with things to do (sex games, activities, whatever), and exude confidence.

Not that it matters, but does she know you are talking to a counsellor? I ask because if you make too dramatic a shift it may look contrived

 

[Anonymous56]

There is a big time routine going on....

Should I try not answering her calls right away and then calling her back later?

 

[Anonymous56]

She knows about my anxiety now and she knows im seeing someone about it. It made me feel a lot better telling her about it.

 

[A.J. Stanson]

I think your best solution is just to forget about her and move on, but you probably don't want to hear that.

 

[Anonymous56]

One of my anxieties growing up through highschool was that my anxiety was going to get in the way so much that I would never meet a girl. I thought the only way to get relief from this was to get a girlfriend. Well I finally succeeded at that, but it has only temporarily escaped the anxiety. This has made me realize that my point in life is not to get a girlfriend or a wife, it is to achieve the goals that I want first. The other stuff is just a sub division of my purpose in life.

I have a lot going for me. I have a great chance at playing professional baseball. I think it is time for me to just let go and stop worrying about all this nonsense and start focusing on my baseball career. If it works out with my girlfriend thats great. If it doesn't I will certainly meet someone else because I finally realized this year that it is extremely easy to meet women on a college campus.

 

[JohnJones]

I don't think you need to dump her. You have her, like her and things aren't bad, just not as much fun as they were -- just try practicing on her.

 

[Anonymous56]

Good point...

By the way..are there any tips on this site for clothing for tall men? I am 6' 5 so I tend to look a lot different in clothes than someone who is much shorter. So what may look good on them doesn't look good on me.

 

[Dirtheart]

What do I do, without coming off like I don't like her anymore, to get this back? I know a method is to show a lack of interest, but I don't want to come off as not liking her because I really do.

I'm afraid this is the best solution for you. It sounds like you may have become a little clingy and she's starting to take you for granted. A little more of this and you'll probably hear the "let's be friends line". Sorry to say that, but your situation was very similar to the one that brought me to this board.

I kept checking my girlfriend's interest in me too and whenever she acted a little cold, I'd get paranoid and insecure, and that's exactly what drove her away.

When she started cooling off, what did you do? You started trying harder, trying to confirm her interest and probably wanted her more than ever. So if you want her to want you more, you have to start doing the same. Stop the compliments, the kissing up and showing her you care; take a leap of faith and start acting indifferent.

As for social anxiety. I overcame this too and there is a lot of great advice for it on this board (try "27 and nothing" in the mature forum).

http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?threadid=50381

 

[Anonymous56]

Yeah taking me for granted. My situation is not like extreme, its just I noticed a little difference from when we started. I won't get the lets just be friends line. I'm going to start being indifferent.

 

[Anonymous56]

Ok I have put the "old" me back into practice. I feel better already. I found out it wasn't really how she felt about me, it was how I felt about myself. Thanks guys.