Need serious help, being a complete coward about ending relationship

[vorbis]

Its amazing the mess you can create for yourself sometimes. I've been going out with my gf for nearly 2 years. Its important to note its my first major relationship. I'm 26.

I posted before about having a big fight with my gf last August over moving in. She wanted to, I didn't Things had been rocky enough since then (not overly bad but not as good as before).

Well the last few days have been eventful. Due to the number of fights over the moving in issue, we had been calling each other **** buddies for the month of December in an effort to make things more casual so as to have less fights. This was actually working out ok, less fights and we were meeting up to do stuff and having sex.

So I come back last Sunday from visiting my family in Ireland (She would have come with me but she's Thai so there's a visa issue). We meet on the Sunday and she's talking about breaking up for good. We talk about it and she seems to feel better about things so we go for dinner. (Off topic but an example of her craziness. She bought strawberries and cream on SATURDAY as she presumed I would be staying over on Sunday night??)

Back at her place afterwards, I'm using her laptop and I go to check my facebook page. I noticed that the browser had saved her logon details. I must admit that I was curious about whether she was actually seeing people now that we were "casual". I logged in as her and checked her inbox and found out that she had cheated on me with some guy back in August!

I confronted her about it and she claimed that is was a ONS with a guy she met one night. She however met up with him about 5 times more over 3 months "as friends" as she "didn't want to think that she had had a ONS". I know this is sounding dafter as I write this.

The thing is that I know what I should do next and I can't seem to break up with her. The cheating doesn't seem to bother me as much as the fact that she had pictures of the two of them together up on facebook!! I'll admit that I've kissed girls before on vacations but I had enough respect for my gf (if this even makes sense) to make sure she'd never find out. The fact that she had photos of your man online and didn't delete an email from him where he said "we had sex" bothers me as much as the cheating.

I have told her that I'll see if I can work through this. She's taken this to mean everything's ok (when I originally said that I was dumping her, she went nuts saying stuff like I can't be by myself). For some reason we decided that we'd get each other christmas gifts when I came back. Today she asked me if I would still be getting her one. She sounded annoyed when I told her no.

Tbh this post is way too long. I really should be dumping her. However, I get sever attacks of loneliness and sadness whenever I've tried to fully break up with her. For instance I tried to dump her at the start of December when I felt things weren't getting back to normal and she brought up the idea of just being **** buddies.

I'd appreciate advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation. I've been lacking the willpower to fully go through with a breakup. I've been thinking that I should continue seeing her but start to see other woman. This way I'm hoping that if I hook up with a few other woman, I won't get the crushing sense of sadness I've been getting up to now when I try to break up.

I know I'm being a *****. Ultimately I think its because my gf has good qualities that aren't overly common in women. She has a very good sense of humor and is sensible with money. Like she recently had her ipod and phone stolen. So she's thinking of buying an iTouch. If she does she's going to return the replacement phone she bought for a cheaper one as she doesn't need two devices that play music.

In a way she is very self centered (most of her thoughts are based on how things affect her) but still at the same time has always treated me well (for example cooks breakfast when I stay over, good in bed, never says negative things about me). I need to see examples of how similar situations have played out with other people.

 

[decades]

Get out of this wreck of a relationship and start rebuilding your life and your self esteem. You won't be able to do this by being in any contact with her. You can't trust her. You are way too passive. Your GF cheated on you and you don't really think it's a big deal. I see you as the boiled frog. You're fully boiled but it was done so slowly that you don't know it yet. I see you as very needy. You will tolerate a terrible relationship with a cheater if the alternative is being alone. You don't see yourself as happy by yourself. You need a woman to feel complete. This tells me that you have to break away and learn that happiness is inside you, not given to you by who you are with. Realize that all the power you need is inside you to make a change, and it just takes one strong decision to do what is best for YOU. Get out and stay out.

 

[Sinistar]

Guys are often asking what a "quality woman" is or a "good catch" is. Well, from what I've learned after 20yrs of dating and now being married. A woman who is 100% into you would never suggest being fvck buddies. I'll take it a bit farther, women with more traditional value systems won't even know what FB's even means! This isn't to say that a woman should be condemned for wanting the very thing we want (intimacy with no strings) - I'm just saying its not the norm and is a good sign of relation problems later down the line.

The reason your are having trouble ending it is because she has the power/frame and for the average person (guy or woman) they can't push themselves over the edge - the need the person with the power to do it.

Your live in GF has nothing to loose and everything to gain. She's living with you but there's no committement. She negotiated a FB status, has been intimate with other guys and has you to provide friendship and security. This is the perfect place for her until she finds a guy who comes across as indifferent and not in need of her.

One of best buddies needs to slap you good and hard to knock you out of this funk and dead end relationship.

Your call dude. Continue being her GF while she hangs out with other guys (oh yeah they are just chatting online right). Or end it right after you read this, move on with your life, meet more women and DO NOT move in together with another woman unless your getting hitched.

ps. Reread Persistent's post 10 times if you have to. Once you've ended this, take some time to look back at yourself and answer why you'd accept the conditions you've been living with instead of placing yourself first.

 

[darkstarrr]

run for the hills!

i posted something kind of similar to this in september (seach for 'need help') and trust me you do not want things to end with her in the driver's seat.

running for the hills should include the following:

starting TODAY
1. keep busy
2. get a slick new hair cut
3. force yourself into the gym 3-4 times a week
4. go tanning a couple times
5. go out with friends
6. meet new people any way you can and ask them out on dates
7. go out on dates
8. clean your house from top to bottom
9. empty all that sh1t out of your car and get it detailed
10. drop her like a sunday paper because by golly can you imagine how she would shut you if it came down to it
11. don't take her calls or respond to her emails or facebook notes.
12. delete her from facebook.

i gaurantee you this is going to end one way or another so either listen and follow the advice on here or let her end it her way, which will most likely consist of your self confidence and ego being torn up and you chasing her, while her ego feeds on your weakness like a vulture.

 

[Heretolearn]

Great replies by the guys,

Honestly, from my experience, I CAN PROMISE YOU that this relationship will end one way or another and the worst would be if this continues as it will slowly suck away your soul/self.

So you can either have her continue on her terms or have her end it on her terms OR YOU CAN TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE!

What do you want? Seriously sit down and write out what you want in life and in a partner on one page. Then who she is on another page.

Be BRUTALLY honest, if she does not meet that then WALK AWAY. Honestly, you do not know the power of being the one to say, this does not meet my standards (of course just tell her that you both grew apart, something nice in the circumstances).

This will give you at least another 3 months to your life as otherwise this time will be wasted going 'what happened' when she eventually breaks up with you or the same feeling slowly creeping up on you over a lifetime.

Your call, do what is right for you (and her too)

 

[vorbis]

Thanks darkstarr. Thats more of the kind of advice I was looking for.

I should clear up some of the points mentioned in the other posts so as not to look like more of a chump than I already am.

Sinistar, we had a big fight ABOUT moving in. She really wanted to, I felt it was too soon. I stood my ground on this, we have never lived together. The night she cheated with this other guy, from what she's told me, happened very close to the time I moved into a new house with some friends.

The f**k buddies thing was suggested by her after I tried to break up with her at the start of December. My reason for breaking up was that we were having too many arguments, mainly about the moving in issue. The theory was that being more casual would hopefully result in less arguments. And in fairness, we didn't have an argument in December and we were still meeting up and doing stuff.

Still though, I have to agree with your point darkstarr that this relationship is going to end some way.

 

[jophil28]

I confronted her about it and she claimed that is was a ONS with a guy she met one night. She however met up with him about 5 times more over 3 months "as friends" as she "didn't want to think that she had had a ONS".

The fact that she had photos of your man online and didn't delete an email from him where he said "we had sex" bothers me as much as the cheating.

There is the dealbreaker , it is all that you need. ADD some courage and respect for yourself and then make the call..

Being possibly sad and lonely is no reason NOT to dump a cheater.

 

[STR8UP]

Cheating is a "one strike" offense.

If you overlook it you're in for a world of hurt.

 

[samspade]

Just end it, man. You know you have to. Her inability to be alone is NOT your problem. And you may be sad and lonely for a little while, but I guarantee you will be better off than being tormented by what she might do to you next. You're already snooping through her FB. Do you want to go any farther down that road?

Also, think about this...she already knows you're thinking about dumping her. DO IT. Because the longer you wait, the easier it will be for her to turn around and dump you to save a little face. Don't worry about finding another branch to swing on....just get out.

For some reason we decided that we'd get each other christmas gifts when I came back.

I've said before that you can often isolate one sentence in a post and identify a major part of the problem with the OP. This sentence really shouted out something to me. "For some reason..." Come on, man. You have to take a little ownership. It sounds like she'd been dictating a lot of terms (let's be f-buddies, for example) and you are just saying "okay." I'm glad you reversed course on the Xmas gift, but still...you are guilty of letting her talk you into things and it's something to correct before your next LTR.

Good luck.

 

[thedeparted]

I caught my ex cheating -- she claimed they were just talking but then why the secrecy? -- and I kicked her out. She lived with me and had no job and no money (student). She paid rent by cooking and cleaning. Did I have mercy? No. I gave her a week. So she went to that guy's place. He drove her to and from work each day and she'd come over on the weekends for sex and to beg me to marry her.

I always told her that marriage wasn't going to happen and I did not change my position. It's probably why she was cheating -- to try to get a new guy on the line before dumping me. I just dumped her first. Which is why she kept coming back.

It gets better. Turns out that she had emailed a female friend and pretended to be me and got the friend to confess her feelings for me and then presented these emails as "evidence" that we had cheated on her (not true). She probably thought that girl was the reason I didn't want to marry her when the real reason was I thought she was BPD. Anyway, she totally embarrassed a longstanding friend and also read through all kinds of old emails and personal logs.

So I called the new place where she was working (illegally) and told the manager I knew what was up with his business. They let her go the next day. She was using that money to pay her rent so she was looking at having to go back to live with the chump. Instead she decided to move back home with her parents. I then offered her to live with me for six weeks until she was ready to move. She did that and was perfectly well behaved and things were fine. After the six weeks was up she went to live with her parents and I never saw her again.

Bottom line is you're gonna be alone pretty soon. Do you also want to be the one who was dumped? Take control, tell her it's over, and your loneliness will be consoled by her ongoing attempts to get you back.

 

[backbreaker]

my GF's best friend is in a relationsihp witha guy and she sounds like your GF. her BF and I talk from time to time, and he wants to end it, he really does. he knows that it's not going to work. she curses him out, then calls him 2 3 days later crying talking about how sorry she is. They won't talk now, they are "mad at each other", and I asked him why and he said that he doesnt even know why "they" (she0) is mad (she is screwing someone else).

you are allowing this to happen to you. ou are scared to be single. you have to face your fear of being alone.

and dude, you are griping about her seeing other guys, while it's perfectly okay to kiss other girls? you suck man. you can't be a hyprocrite.

 

[TheLadiesMan]

Jeeezus.....

 

[Bible_Belt]

Its important to note its my first major relationship.

Yes it is. I felt the same way when my first ltr ended. Everyone does. Eventually, after enough relationships, you will learn that everyone is replaceable. Breakups happen, life goes on, and as Chris Rock says, "new pvssy always clears the head."

 

[AIRWARRIOR71]

Its important to note its my first major relationship. I'm 26.

I'm with Bible_belt on this...
Nothing makes you forget about the problems you have with someone old, than to find new ones with someone new...lol.

Seriously, you hafta get out of this situation as soon as you can, at least in YOUR commitment to it from the heart. You cut the emotional AFC feelings that make it feel like you are going to be alone and may not find someone else, bleh bleh bleh...been said tons of times here...and do things to keep busy, improve yourself, and your self-image, and you can get past this.

It is like dying in a way. This relationship, and your feelings of being a part of a couple have to die, be buried, etc, hell give it a funeral if ya want...but make a clean cut to close it off. Once you have removed yourself emotionally you can find out that the whole time you were dating her, there were probably 10 other chicks that had a thing for you...partially BECAUSE you were taken.

I would suggest if this had NOT been your first LTR to keep pumping her and all to keep yourself with regular play while regaining your self-esteem...working out, tanning, getting a haircut, new clothes, and most of all re-establishing your single status, especially since it was HER idea to be F*** buddies. You have nothing in experience to compare (LTR-wise) this relationship to, so I would NOT suggest you keep tapping it in the meantime...too much one-itis going on here.

Anywho...in your case the best bet is to make a clean cut and go cold turkey from HER...but not from dating. Get back on the horse and ride her till she bucks ya then get back on and do it again...its the only way to get yourself back to where you need to be!