Danny, Communicating/actively listening can be so tough can't it? Here are some of my thoughts about your exchange, I hope they help in some way
"i dunno wut i like about photography anymore! the past five years in art school didn't do any good
the only thing i learned is artsy stuff is not gonna get me anywhere... unless u r born wealthy... "
in which i replied... "i don't understand how being wealthy has anything to do with doing something you enjoy doing. It's up to you what you feel is right, I trust you will know what to do.
"
Four guidelines I try to use when communicating a response are:
Is my response kind?
Establish safety. Empathy, compassion, gentle tone. I can tell you how I as a woman have received/felt most satisfied by a man in feeling truly listened to/understood by him: A man I adore, who "gets me", uses one of his 'pet names' for me and he opens me right up to feeling like he recognizes I am feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable and he is on my "side" - and that
he is not overwhelmed by
my concern. He makes me feel safe just by reminding me of who we are to eachother. Just his using one of his "pet names" for me reminds me my feelings are safe with him (he is giving me the gift of emotional safety and protection all in the use of that one word).
Think about words that symbolize that dynamic that you, as a man, are comfortable using with her. Use them when things are going smoothly so you have comfort using that name as a reminder/or touchstone when they are not.
Is my response honest?
That is not limited to "is it true?" But also means that if I feel like the person I am listening to is manipulating me to a reaction with sharing a problem - he probably is. Am I being honest with myself in my gut about what I am feeling about the exchange
process itself?
I feel it is important I come from
a place of integrity to myself first. This means that sometimes you have to be comfortable with the silences. Allowing the silences and spaces in communicating are the Olympics of communicating, IMO.
So, take a moment to "checkin" with yourself first - it is okay to take time to process things so you can bring your best "self" to address the other person's needs. Sometimes this is done in a heartbeat, sometimes it can take awhile.
Second part of honesty is that I check that I am not going to offer more help or support than I am willing and able to honestly give.
Is it necessary?
Sometimes people don't need you to respond. Sometimes people just need to
talk Sometimes they just need to verbally process outloud because the tangled ball of string in their hearts & heads is too big to unravel alone. It is kind of like they need you there to "hold this piece of string a sec while I go move this one" and
you "hold that thought" that they shared with you in your
own heart and mind - all safe for them - and remind them of it when you see it is time for them in their process to revisit that piece.
You just "watch and are on stand-by". You kind of "have their back" while they vent and pull out the important pieces that will help them. This is an important part of actively listening to.
I also liken it to a friend who dumps a big puzzle on the table and says I am going to put thisnightmare of a puzzle together - but some of these pieces don't matter - I am going to "hold-up " all the pieces and I need you to help me identify the important pieces when I am finished. They need to "dump" it ALL to get some distance from it - and they are trusting YOU to listen and then help them identify which parts are the important pieces they need to solve the challenge they are facing - and which ones they don't need to keep.
"What needs to be encouraged?" this is self-explanatory, I think. (And as a woman I am weak in this area verbally, because I have personally experienced men take a woman encouraging them overtly as us thinking they are weak somehow - so I have learned to be supportive in other ways - but a Woman functions so much in the verbal realm of the moment - that verbal encouragement is usually more comfortably received by us).
So, try it with hers?
""i dunno wut i like about photography anymore! the past five years in art school didn't do any good
the only thing i learned is artsy stuff is not gonna get me anywhere... unless u r born wealthy... "
If this is written/texted instead of heard you will be missing a lot of information.
But as it is -
"i dunno wut i like about photography anymore! I feel a loss - I used to have a life-purpose driving passion for this and now I don't. I am burnt out.
the past five years in art school didn't do any good I fear I have
wasted five years of my life
and money.
the only thing i learned is artsy stuff is not gonna get me anywhere...
I have no idea how I am going to be able to successfully take all this crap I learned in school and feed my self. I don't want to be another starving artist - I feel completely unprepared for the next stage in my life I am about to enter.
unless u r born wealthy... This is her dream fix - because then she could do her art in the purest way she wants and not worry about satisfying anyone for the $. She wants her own free source of income so she doesn't have to sell out her integrity in her work/photography.
See, a good listener doesn't deny the truth of a person's feelings or experiences. He doesn't argue that what you are
feeling is wrong or invalid. He
does help point the way past the emotional moment
after being there with you in it. Now
that is the great thing about sharing with a good
Man is that he directs us forward - not just stays in the process with us. My guy would most likely send me a bunch of computer links about how to make $ as a photographer, maybe a few good ones marketing online, etc. And
point me to action so I don't get stuck in my feelings for too long.
