Need Advice

[Road Warrior]

About a year and a half ago, I joined a Meetup group, looking to have some fun and to maybe meet someone too. At the same time, I was also spending a lot of time on here and was in the early stages of trying to get a few plates spinning. About a year ago, I had the start of a plate spinning (not from the Meetup group) when I had met someone from the group. I really thought this was it. The connection I felt was unreal. The first few months seemed like something out of a movie. She had mentioned about being exclusive, which at this point I had no problem with and dropped contact with the potential plate. We continued doing things within the Meetup group and got to know more people within the group, many of which are friends today.

As we got into about June of last year, I noticed she would get spells where she would get a little distant. I got the feeling that someone was pumping her head full of cr*p. She had a woman friend at the time that seemed like the power tripper type. I just played things cool and things seemed to be OK.
Fourth of July weekend, we had planned on spending the four day weekend together. Thursday and Friday went well. Saturday morning she had to mail out a job application and she would be back. When she got back, it was like a light switch flipped. She said she did not want to see me anymore and I should leave. I tried to stay to talk about what is going on to no avail so I left and headed for home. When I got home, I signed up to go on a motorcycle ride meetup with a few of the people from the group for Sunday. I get a text from her to have fun. By Sunday night I am getting I love you texts from her. I brush it off as hormones, but err on the side of caution at the same time. She thinks things are going to quickly. I told her that I was trying to slow things down. I am in no rush, there should be no pressure. Things slowly get better, but not quite yet the same. She says she wants to be low key when we do Meetup stuff together. I am cool with it, but a warning light goes on. She mentions of a "friend" she dated that is not just a friend. I figured he was just now an orbiter as the sex was still there, but maybe he was pumping her head full of sh!t.

She always has concern about being pressured. I reassured her that I can wait however long it takes. We both have things we need to take care of before we could get to a living together situation. I told her that I just want to take things light and have fun. After some time, she came back around and things got better for a while, but still some scattered rocky times.
We get to the beginning of December. Things seem to be going fantastic, about the best they have been since the first two months we were together. She mentioned about doing something for New Years Eve, getting a room with a hot tub. I said cool and made arrangements and reservations for a nice restaurant in a good location to hit a few other places to go dance etc. About a week and a half before Christmas, she invites me over for the night. We had a great time, but she tells me that she had to go by this “friend” to drop off some cookies he ordered from her daughter’s band fundraiser. She also said that I don’t have to worry about this person anymore that he is moving out of town. She told me about a month ago that she is not talking to this person anymore. The first thing that came to mind after hearing this is how long will it be before the switch flips again. We planned on having dinner and to help make cookies and make apple pie the next night and all was well, but I just did not feel the same after hearing that.

Well, I had it pegged. The week before Christmas, the attitude was starting again. I had a close relative that wound up in the hospital and asked if she would like to go with me to see her which she agreed, but the night before I get a text in the night that she did not want to go. I did get a little attitude myself from this as I not did not really care anymore. We still were in contact regularly, but several days later, she says she does not think it’s a good idea to be out New Years Eve. This was the last straw for me. If she would show some real remorse for this, I would still try to work things out, but I was beginning to not feel it anymore. The Monday after New Years, I get the long friends line, we don’t have anything in common email. I am thinking this is fine with me, but we still wind up in contact by phone and email.

A couple weeks later, we were signed up on a bowling night with the Meetup group. I always enjoy these, a lot of fun. She was also signed up. I tried to be a little cold and distant. I finished my turn bowling and was walking to the bar for a drink when another lady from the group stand in front of me going through the motions like she wants to dance… so I did… when we finished I hugged her and picked her up. She kicked her feet in the air as I picked her up. Shortly afterward I notice the GF is gone. I thought to myself, oh well. Later in the night, I get a text saying that I have and email waiting for me when I get home. I get home and begin typing a reply when I get a text asking if I made it home ok. I call her back and she is crying because I did that little dance with the other lady. I told her that we are now just friends, why would it matter. I took this as she still had feelings for me so I remained in contact. We had signed up for a group weekend getaway with the Meetup group, which was the weekend from last, more about that in a little bit. We had talked and a few days before the getaway, we had met up for a drink. She was basically attacking me the whole time. Could not keep her lips off me. Things seemed ok until I arrived at the getaway. She was then cold and distant. I did stay do things around her for the sake of being cordial and to make the best of it. I really wanted to go off and do my own thing, but with what happened the other night I stayed near her.

The Monday after the getaway, I get an email from her accusing me of following her and that she had told people in the group to watch me and that I should not call her. That was the last straw. I have been no contact for a week.

I had signed up for an event in another Meetup group I was in when suddenly I was removed from this group. I am sure she had something to do with this. Last Friday, I went to another bowling night, she was not there, I had a great time. The next day I noticed she signed up for most of the remaining bowling nights. We still have a bus trip coming up in two weeks that we have both paid for. I do not intend to back out of this. I am not going to cave in. I will still go but will not say a word or even look her way. I hope to have a good time with others. I really enjoy the group I currently am in, when she is not around. I hope to meet someone new through the group. She belongs to several other groups herself that she can do things in. If I am accused of following her around, why is she signing up for events that I am interested in? Why is she telling others to watch my behavior?
I apologize for being long winded, but I am looking for advice on how to get a good one up on her so she will not be in my way at any future events.

 

[Desdinova]

Cue the posts about BPD women...

I apologize for being long winded, but I am looking for advice on how to get a good one up on her so she will not be in my way at any future events.

You seem to have yourself somewhat under control for these situations, so use that to your advantage. Make it your goal to blow her out of the group. Become closer with the people in the group. Flirt with the women in the group. Continue to go on outings. Be civil to your ex, but don't go out of your way to be friendly. She will either eventually drop it all together because she holds no power over you, or she'll get booted out because she's acting psycho.

The main thing is to keep your own emotions and reactions under control. Don't let her get under your skin.

 

[Lexington]

I'll be honest with you, I didn't read all of it. But I can already tell you what the solution to your problem is: GFTOW.

You had only one plate spinning when you met this chick. This whole "out of a movie thing" tells me you're suffering from oneitis.

Just set a goal to do 10 chicks in a certain amount of time: one year is a modest goal. Then go do it. I can almost guarantee that your problems with this girl will disappear by about the 3rd or 4th chick at the latest.

 

[backbreaker]

This is going to sound counter intuitive but I assure you this is the case with girls like this

see, this girl doesn't like you. not like that. she likes knowing that you lke her. that's the big difference. she will turn it up when she feels compeition but she doesn't like you enough to actualy want to be with you. it's ****ed up. and in the end shows just how sick this woman is and how you don't need to waste your time.

women like this are vitually incapable of having a normal functioning relationship with a man.

 

[Warrior74]

This is going to sound counter intuitive but I assure you this is the case with girls like this

see, this girl doesn't like you. not like that. she likes knowing that you lke her. that's the big difference. she will turn it up when she feels compeition but she doesn't like you enough to actualy want to be with you. it's ****ed up. and in the end shows just how sick this woman is and how you don't need to waste your time.

women like this are vitually incapable of having a normal functioning relationship with a man.

This. She just want's the D. She doesn't want a relationship. Leave her alone. Don't call, don't hangout. Go to meetups and do your thing and be nonplussed. I assume you are friends with other people there so continue to be a friend. If they shy away because of her, **** em. As long as your welcome go to events and be yourself. Eventually people will see she was full of sh1t and if they are adults they understand that this is the modern day dating.

We used to call this dating and then breaking it off. But women don't know how to break it off cleanly. They try to still get what they want. When a man does this, he's a player, when a woman does it...she's just a woman.

 

[Road Warrior]

For now, I have been signing up for events on my own, ones that she has not signed up for as I really do not want to see or contact her. It seems like she is beginning to sign up for the events that I would also sign up for. I myself really do not think its a good idea but what are some opinions on signing up for events that she had already signed up for? I never thought at 46 I would have to be dealing with inmature, high school, bs like this, especially from someone a year older than me.

Update. As I am writing this, I just received an email from the orginizer of the group that I was removed from. She is offering to reinstate me and said if it was her (ex GF) that started this drama that she will be removed... that just made my day.

 

[backbreaker]

For now, I have been signing up for events on my own, ones that she has not signed up for as I really do not want to see or contact her. It seems like she is beginning to sign up for the events that I would also sign up for. I myself really do not think its a good idea but what are some opinions on signing up for events that she had already signed up for? I never thought at 46 I would have to be dealing with inmature, high school, bs like this, especially from someone a year older than me.

Update. As I am writing this, I just received an email from the orginizer of the group that I was removed from. She is offering to reinstate me and said if it was her (ex GF) that started this drama that she will be removed... that just made my day.

you show her you are a man and you are above this petty bull****. real grown ups sometimes break up with people and still have to see them. that's the real world. tell her that you would not mind being reinstated if that's what you want but not if it causes the other girl to be tossed out. youd on't want to see her tossed out you want her to have a good time just as you are having a good time. just not together. you have no ill will against her and you won't stoop to her Bull **** stupid level of playing he said she said even if she did say it you are more mature than that.

showing her you really do not give a **** about her will turn that knot in her stomach 10x worse than winning an arguement of he said she said would.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Cue the posts about BPD women...

I admit that's what I was thinking. I love you, I hate you, and you don't exist when you're not in my presence. It's no coincidence that she is single.

 

[glass half full]

there's too many chicks out there that are like this, its nothing new. Sounds like others around you are wising up, so enjoy. I'm glad to see the responses here, as I've had that trouble too and I like what you guys have to say. Unfortunately for me, I couldn't have handled it that well, my hats off to you.

 

[The Duke]

Sounds like pretty typical female behavior, they all have a little bpd in them.

 

[Road Warrior]

Well, I received an email from the ex GF this morning. She said that she does not want to break her no contact rule she made to herself, but wanted to share something about herself this morning to help me feel better, that she did not explain very well in the past. She has a social phobia. She basically has a fear of being in a couple when around groups of people she knows. She says she had this with her ex husband and previous BF's. She worries about what others think about her in a couple. She says this is from things her Mother would say to her when she was young. She says she did not have this problem when we first got together as she was fairly new to the group and did not have a problem appearing as a couple at group events. Later on, she wanted to keep things low key at the events, as she got to know people better within the group. Correct me if I'm wrong, but my translation to this is she wants to look single in case anything else comes along. She also wished me well.

After getting a good laugh from this, The thought crossed my mind to reply back and rip into her, but I'm not going to stoop to that level. I have remained NC. I figure it will be a matter of time before I will get a text or call, which I will also not reply to. She thinks I am so down and upset over it, when I feel a cloud has been lifted that has been over my head since the holidays. I admit, I was upset when she wanted to leave during the Summer, and we worked through things back then, but now, after catching her in two flat out lies and her false accusations, I am relieved to be out of contact.

I plan on writing the reply to the orginizer of the Meetup group later this evening.

Thank you all for listening and providing your advice and I'll keep you posted on how things go.

 

[backbreaker]

her "social phobia" developed when there was another **** in the group she wanted to ride on and didn't want to give off the vibe she was taken.

tell the woman to go die in a fire. well don't tell her that stay NC but think that to yourself.

 

[Road Warrior]

Another question that I have is there anyone there that has been with anyone that has been sexually abused as a child? I am wondering if there are any traits that show up later from that. Does this cause any kind of BPD?

 

[goundra]

A 3rd worlder would never DARE to pull any such crap, for the first 5 years, until she gets her citizenship. Divorce, and back she goes! After getting a taste of how US is a better life, by about 20x, she wants nothing to do with going home! Treat her halfway decent, and for 5 years, you get whatever you want from her. But then, watch OUT, dude. Still, that is 5 more years of "warranty" than you get with a US bvtch.

 

[Greasy Pig]

Listen to everything Backbreaker posted about this thread, OP. That is all.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Another question that I have is there anyone there that has been with anyone that has been sexually abused as a child? I am wondering if there are any traits that show up later from that. Does this cause any kind of BPD?

The typical bpd girl's story is that daddy ran off or died and mommy was a slvt (with bpd.) With the long cast of male characters who pass through the girl's life, that is a high-risk scenario. Sexual abuse and BPD are not strictly cause and effect, but they often go together.

She basically told you the same thing as everyone else here - "this won't work because I'm messed up in the head." It is actually really hard for someone with a mental problem to confess to it and talk about it. Her doing so doesn't change anything, and I still think you should give up on a relationship with her, but at the same time there's no reason to hate her. People with mental illnesses and disorders never chose to be that way. It doesn't make sense to let it upset you.

Be forewarned that if you can truly embrace the idea of brushing her off with compassion, and she does have BPD, then she will have no choice but to throw herself at you intermittently while she messes up other guys' lives

 

[backbreaker]

When i was younger a girl did that to me, and she wasn't lying, the girl that brought me here. she had daddy issues and i knew her well enough and long enough to confirm that they were in fact true. I'd let her come to my house and call me whenever about whatever in the jist of doing the right thing.

By my mid 20's at the first hint of bat **** crazy behavior i would run the other way. It's not my job to fix you. sorry babe. just like it's not your job to fix me.

I don't thint his chicks is BPD as much as I just think she likes someone else more than him yet wants to still keep this guy in the picture. I dont' think the girlt hat brought me here is BPD I just think she is/was a shrude/cunning little ****.

 

[origin138]

I apologize for being long winded, but I am looking for advice on how to get a good one up on her so she will not be in my way at any future events.

Don't apologize, no need to. The posts here from the other gents are solid.

From what I've read it looks like you've played it well for the most part. I think you're playing it well by being indifferent toward her, but sometimes trying hard to NOT acknowledge someone is that same as acknowledging them. Try saying hello, and leaving it at that. Talk to her only to the extent that it benefits you and the group. Otherwise, ignore her with resolve.

As far as letting her ruin your good time, you control the outcome of that one. Through your positive mentality/outgoing attitude, people will eventually start to see she's a manipulative loser. If you're having a good time, and indifferent to outcomes, remain social with people in the group, she looks like an idiot and you look like the better person.

As tempted as I was to jump into a BPD discussion, I won't because I think that label does fly around easily on SoSuave. But this chick DOES have traits that would seem to point in that direction. This chick has handed you a store full of red flags.

As backbreaker said above, this chick is incapable of having a normal relationship with a man.

 

[Road Warrior]

I ask because she told me that her sister was abused by their Dad. When I asked if she was, she said she did not know, which in my mind she probably was as well. As far as the BPD, she said that a few people in her family have it. I often wonder if many women just use that and/or other health ailments as excuses for an out. I really do not like saying that out of respect for those that do have legitimate ailments.

I have not heard anything since the email I received yesterday and am still NC on my end. I will not apologize to her about anything that I did over the time this all went down if anything winds up being said about it.

 

[Road Warrior]

Another update. I have been reinstated into the Meetup group that I was removed from and had signed up for several events that she was not signed up for. I told the orginizer that I would not sign up for any events that she was signed up for first, as I really do not want any contact with her. There is this party that I was signed up for this weekend before I was removed that I really wanted to attend. Looks like some potential prospects are going to be there. I get an email from the orginizer saying that the ex says she will not be there until 11:00 at night and the party will end around 12 so she doubts she will even be there. The orginizer adds me back to the list for the party. The orginizer has been so accomodating that it is almost setting off a red light. Either it is some kind of set up for the ex to make some drama or maybe there is some interest on the part of this orginizer...

I am thinking of writing to the orginizer that I may just stop out briefly early on but also have some some other plans going on as well. I really do not want to have any contact with the ex for now. What are some opinions on this?