My World, My Reality

[InsidiousNstinct]

I was writing in my journal and I thought I would share what I wrote with everyone here. I don't know if anyone else is in the same situation or has been but if so maybe this can be of some help...


Well its 3am in the morning and everyone in their right mind is in bed. Notice how I said "right mind."


I thought to myself for a long time rather or not to post my feelings. Simply because of people I know that might look at it. I have to be true to myself though even if that means hurting someone or someone finding out something they never knew about me....You think you know...but you have no idea.

I guess I will start with the biggest fear that I have which is growing up single. When I look back at my younger years its so pathetic on how much time I've wasted on thinking about some girl. Longing to be kissed, exc. I always hated all the happy couples. It felt as though they were mocking me in someway. I done so many things to try make girls like me. Just thinking about it right now almost brings me to tears.

I'd cry everynight in bed and wonder why wasn't I born with great looks, and why couldn't my voice be like everyone else's. If only I knew then how selfish I was truly being....

As humans one of our biggest goals is to belong. For me it was to have that amazingly beautiful girlfriend. I wanted to belong...I wanted people to see, mostly my peers that I could get beautiful girls aswell. My dream turned into a nightmare. I would set in class wondering if that beautiful chick that was setting behind me, in front, exc was looking at me or not. I'd do my best to compliment and be sweet. Hell, id even try to learn smooth lines.....pftt I was so blinded. What was my goal? Get a woman in bed of course, even though it went against what I believed in. I cannot re-call the countless nights I laid my head onto my pillow and cried, wondering why God wouldn't put a girl in my life. Now I know why I have been single all my life, it's because I wasn't mature enough. I use to blame it on ..."oh im just not good looking or its because im not white." WHICH IS BULL*HIT Its funny how the mind will feed itself lies just so it can be content and not change...I no longer want to live with this mentality and I REFUSE to.

Far as friends go I don't really have to many. WHen I say friends I mean people I could call up and just tell them my problems, exc. Only 2 that I can think of and thats J.N and D.B. Before I graduated Highschool I wanted everyone to like me. I hated to get made fun of because of my "handicap." Now that I look back I never really stood up for myself in highschool. I let people walk over me, exc. Which is my own d*mn falut. One thing I learned is you can't make everyone like you. Hell, some people I don't even like. It's just the way the world works.

On to more importaint things......

My dad passed away back in May of 1995. I'm not going to lie I do not think about him a lot. We wasn't very close but we still hung out. He took me fishing with him all the time and we hung out. I do miss having him around though. I mention that because now it's just me, my mom, and my sister. I don't know what I'd do with out either one of them but I sure don't act that way. They would do anything for me and its as though I take it all for guranted. My sister is my biggest fan and looks up to me so much and I do nothing but put her down, call her fat. Still yet she still tells me she loves me everyday. It's time I grew up, It's time I got control of my life and, it's time I stop living my life through the world and other people.

MY WORLD.....MY REALITY

 

[Project.D]

Hope you feel better. PM me if you're still up.

 

[jonny football hero]

So true man, I think in some way we've all been there, thinking that getting a women will complete you. Good luck. And sorry bout your dad.

 

[adude]

wtf u talking about stupid ur only 18 be glad not sad......the best yrs are ahead of u.

 

[InsidiousNstinct]

What are you talking about? You sound like some commerical on tv. "Be glad, not sad."

My post was based on how I felt and I needed to vent. It is also about me coming to a crossroad in my life and that I need to make changes.

You may be older and things like these have done passed you...which I highly doubt it. But I once heard before that a man came in from work and he was tired. He was a v.i.p and he had to have a certain project done by the next morning and he was stressed. Well when he got in he found his 4 year old daughter in the kitchen crying because she couldn't tie her shoe and she had been trying all day to learn how. The dad could not understand why she was so upset over it.

Moral of the story......? Something we see as a little problem could be seen as a huge problem to someone else. So next time you decide to call someone stupid. Read between the lines.

 

[Smooth as Anything]

You have a lot of potential man... and I never say that... ****ing never... so believe me.

Make me proud.

 

[fatkins]

You seem like a baby to me, want a cookie? Yea I needed to vent that

 

[TyTe`EyEs]

I've been there bro. I think we all have been or will be at one point or another.

The older you get, the more things come into focus.

 

[adude]

Originally posted by JBizzle
What are you talking about? You sound like some commerical on tv. "Be glad, not sad."

My post was based on how I felt and I needed to vent. It is also about me coming to a crossroad in my life and that I need to make changes.

You may be older and things like these have done passed you...which I highly doubt it. But I once heard before that a man came in from work and he was tired. He was a v.i.p and he had to have a certain project done by the next morning and he was stressed. Well when he got in he found his 4 year old daughter in the kitchen crying because she couldn't tie her shoe and she had been trying all day to learn how. The dad could not understand why she was so upset over it.

Moral of the story......? Something we see as a little problem could be seen as a huge problem to someone else. So next time you decide to call someone stupid. Read between the lines.

"MY WORLD....MY REALITY" it looks like u have seen too many anime gay movies, u must think of urself as some kind of gay anime character, go play with ur pokeman cards u don't belong here.
when i read ur first post all i could think was "what a FAG" u need to control urself, ur first post sounded very gay and the second one even gayer(read it again) damn man, ur full of emotions, u cried and moaned like a dumb chick, cos u didn't get any girl, wtf wake up ur officailly pussified, the fact that ur dad died and ur mom raised u.....damn ur full of feminist ****,.....now i can see why u couldn't get any girls cos ur a pussified sob get a life, i can picture u as a nerd with big glasses and braces, ur not white so ru black or asian, also it comes across to me that u got an inferiority complex, ... ur pathetic, make me sick, u have to be the gayest member here.........., (by now ur already sobbing like a lil baby) go stand in the corner and cry, get all emotional like a girl AGAIN!!!!!!....nuff said.

 

[jonny football hero]

Originally posted by adude
"MY WORLD....MY REALITY" it looks like u have seen too many anime gay movies, u must think of urself as some kind of gay anime character, go play with ur pokeman cards u don't belong here.
when i read ur first post all i could think was "what a FAG" u need to control urself, ur first post sounded very gay and the second one even gayer(read it again) damn man, ur full of emotions, u cried and moaned like a dumb chick, cos u didn't get any girl, wtf wake up ur officailly pussified, the fact that ur dad died and ur mom raised u.....damn ur full of feminist ****,.....now i can see why u couldn't get any girls cos ur a pussified sob get a life, i can picture u as a nerd with big glasses and braces, ur not white so ru black or asian, also it comes across to me that u got an inferiority complex, ... ur pathetic, make me sick, u have to be the gayest member here.........., (by now ur already sobbing like a lil baby) go stand in the corner and cry, get all emotional like a girl AGAIN!!!!!!....nuff said.

Damn.............you stupid ****. So having emotions makes you a fag?, everyone has emotions you dolt. Now take your **** out your hand piss off

 

[InsidiousNstinct]

"MY WORLD....MY REALITY" it looks like u have seen too many anime gay movies, u must think of urself as some kind of gay anime character, go play with ur pokeman cards u don't belong here.when i read ur first post all i could think was "what a FAG" u need to control urself, ur first post sounded very gay and the second one even gayer(read it again) damn man, ur full of emotions, u cried and moaned like a dumb chick, cos u didn't get any girl, wtf wake up ur officailly pussified, the fact that ur dad died and ur mom raised u.....damn ur full of feminist ****,.....now i can see why u couldn't get any girls cos ur a pussified sob get a life, i can picture u as a nerd with big glasses and braces, ur not white so ru black or asian, also it comes across to me that u got an inferiority complex, ... ur pathetic, make me sick, u have to be the gayest member here.........., (by now ur already sobbing like a lil baby) go stand in the corner and cry, get all emotional like a girl AGAIN!!!!!!....nuff said.

I see you like to stereotype..

All I hear is yada, yada, yada..."Your such a queer and Im so smart." yada, yada, yada.

Next time don't sugar coat it so much....just tell me how you truly FEEL.

Now as you can see I pretty much sumed up this reply of yours in a few words, but my reply to you in the former post must have some how went over your head. I don't know maybe you should stop surfing the waves so much. I think the sun is frying your brain. Oh wait....I just stereotyped you souly based on your "name" ....my bad.

 

[TyTe`EyEs]

"MY WORLD....MY REALITY" it looks like u have seen too many anime gay movies, u must think of urself as some kind of gay anime character, go play with ur pokeman cards u don't belong here.when i read ur first post all i could think was "what a FAG" u need to control urself, ur first post sounded very gay and the second one even gayer(read it again) damn man, ur full of emotions, u cried and moaned like a dumb chick, cos u didn't get any girl, wtf wake up ur officailly pussified, the fact that ur dad died and ur mom raised u.....damn ur full of feminist ****,.....now i can see why u couldn't get any girls cos ur a pussified sob get a life, i can picture u as a nerd with big glasses and braces, ur not white so ru black or asian, also it comes across to me that u got an inferiority complex, ... ur pathetic, make me sick, u have to be the gayest member here.........., (by now ur already sobbing like a lil baby) go stand in the corner and cry, get all emotional like a girl AGAIN!!!!!!....nuff said.

He doesn't belong here? From your arrogant reply, it sounds like YOU don't belong here.

You obviously need a good ass whoopin. Come on down to T-Town.

 

[adude]

^^^^^^ listen to these two immature pussies, u *****es better start sucking ur ****s motherfukers, and what the fuk is T_town is it the place where gay guys come to shag u dumb fuker, u two lil *****es are still riding to school in ur mommies van, damn right i will come with my whole crew and fuk u two up, where do u live *****es, now don't hide in ur mamas ass when i show up FAGS.

 

[adude]

Originally posted by JBizzle
I see you like to stereotype..

All I hear is yada, yada, yada..."Your such a queer and Im so smart." yada, yada, yada.

Next time don't sugar coat it so much....just tell me how you truly FEEL.

Now as you can see I pretty much sumed up this reply of yours in a few words, but my reply to you in the former post must have some how went over your head. I don't know maybe you should stop surfing the waves so much. I think the sun is frying your brain. Oh wait....I just stereotyped you souly based on your "name" ....my bad.

u jewish bastard....start the ovens do i here the Nazis coming,to roast u alive...

 

[TyTe`EyEs]

Alright buddy, you see where it says location over to the left. Bring your whole crew, it won't be 1/5 of what I got waiting for you. You don't know me, don't act like you do.

You ignorant bastard.

 

[gregory]

dude i know exactly how you feel, and it does suck.

but dont think of it that way. u found sosuave early, and its a blessing...

and if you're wondering about why u couldnt get a girl, dont, because its just as bad... before i could get any girl i wanted for some reason, i was not good lookin, but i was genuine and had a good personality. a lot of people liked me, and i was really popular, but there was this one girl i was in love with, and she would always get a strange look on her face whenever i told her that. lol.

i did everythin to change for her, and i mean everything, people didnt recognize me anymore, and i cried all the time for her.. endless tears... i still think of her a little everyday, just not in the same way.

the point is, EVERYONE thought i was sooo happy, i was rich, had lots of girls, friends and my life was perfect on the outside, but because i couldnt have that one girl, my life was ****. complete ****, and i gave up everything i ever had; friends, other girls, and i started reading more and becoming smarter.... why? JUST IN HOPE THAT SHE'D LIKE ME. i would have died 100000000 times just for her to smile. that's how much i loved her. everyone thought i was happy, and i wasnt..... so next time you are in class and u see a guy with a smile on his face and girls all around him, dont be jealous or nothing, because he can be just as unhappy as you are.

 

[Alexis Zorba]

^^^^^^ listen to these two immature pussies, u *****es better start sucking ur ****s motherfukers, and what the fuk is T_town is it the place where gay guys come to shag u dumb fuker, u two lil *****es are still riding to school in ur mommies van, damn right i will come with my whole crew and fuk u two up, where do u live *****es, now don't hide in ur mamas ass when i show up FAGS.

Man look at you. You are all hung up insulting and threatening an anonymous guy over the inet. Don't you have anything better to do? And there is supposed to be intelligent life on earth...?

 

[InsidiousNstinct]

u jewish bastard....start the ovens do i here the Nazis coming,to roast u alive...

I'm not jewish but I do applogize to the ones that are jewish and read what you had to say. I don't know if your 28 or 8 by the way your acting.

Mods, if need be close this post so there will be nomore flaming from this guy, Thanks.

Personally I think your name should be banned for your lil display of raceism. Then again what do I know im a homosexual or so you say....MUAH.

 

[The Antichrist_Star]

Originally posted by adude
u jewish bastard....start the ovens do i here the Nazis coming,to roast u alive...

Hmm... that's not going to go over very well.

 

[LikRetsam]

Matrix, these smacktards need a whack of the ban stick.

JBizzle, just remember where you came from man. You went through **** but now you're on this site. Now you're making a difference. Your story touched me and made me glad to see that people are doing something for themselves. Sadly, we are a minority.

Congrats.

As for the flaming smacktards, kindly quit desecrating this forum with your filth. Check yourself before you dare insult someone here. You are a pathetic piece of ****. You hear that? You are an emberrassement to mankind. Unforutunatly for durex, your birth is proof that condoms don't always work. Kindly pack your bags and leave. Jbizzle isn't the one with issues, it's your punk ass. You come here and spit your trash out showing us your massive vocabulary with half the words bleeped out. You are blinded buddy. You believe this guy is weak and you are strong but that is just an illusion your mind is creating to hide the weakness within you. Which I might add, is quite considerable. You're presence is no longer appreciated nor needed.