My long lost 'dad' found me on facebook.

[horaholic]

Haven't talked to him in over 16 years. He sent me a friend request on FB saying "saw your page. Thought I'd saw hello and see how you're doing" I haven't responded or accepted it yet. I made a bulliten to see what my freinds would think. So far there are three of my friends who've had the same thing happen.

I guess FB is a gateway for pvssy dads to reach out. They mostly i should talk to him, but one of my friends had this to say: "Same happen to me in Oct!! WTF..... Facebook is not the venue, try being a man with a phone call...."
Aint that the truth.

Whats your take?

 

[Bible_Belt]

He's at least trying. My own dad keeps bugging me to go shoot his guns with him, which is hardly anything I feel like doing, but I go and do it anyway, because that is the only idea of father-son bonding that he has. At least the old man is trying.

 

[Marvin Gaye]

He's at least trying. My own dad keeps bugging me to go shoot his guns with him, which is hardly anything I feel like doing, but I go and do it anyway, because that is the only idea of father-son bonding that he has. At least the old man is trying.

For a guy with dad issues that run pretty deep, this comment is pretty loud to me. It made me stop and think, so thanks Bible Belt, even though the comment wasn't directed at me lol.

As for horaholic it might not hurt to initiate small talk, but it's really up to you. I agree that it's a chum thing try and talk like that after Facebook, not seeing your son for 16 years. But just test the waters, you never know what could happen. All the best!

 

[Crissco]

I have a thing against my own father for what hes done/is still doing. But if putting my issues aside, ide say give it a shot and talk to him. You only do live once bro. Even though if I was in your position I honestly wouldn't know what to do but coming from an outside point of view, go for it bro. In the end it'll be worth it.

 

[L B]

Kinda depends on if he has money to pass on to you in his will.

But seriously, if you haven't talked to him for 16 years, why bother now?

 

[horaholic]

I'm going to respond, but Im gonna give it a couple days. I've talked to several friends who have been through the same thing, but feel like its a weight lifted off their shoulders after doing it. It couldn't have been easy for him to write to me, even if it was the pvssy way, so I'll take the middle ground and let him know that Im not happy with him, but I'll listen to what he has to say. Really, there's nothing to lose, right? It wont affect me emotionally if he decides he doesnt like me and turns his back again. I wont care.

 

[Marvin Gaye]

I'm going to respond, but Im gonna give it a couple days. I've talked to several friends who have been through the same thing, but feel like its a weight lifted off their shoulders after doing it. It couldn't have been easy for him to write to me, even if it was the pvssy way, so I'll take the middle ground and let him know that Im not happy with him, but I'll listen to what he has to say. Really, there's nothing to lose, right? It wont affect me emotionally if he decides he doesnt like me and turns his back again. I wont care.

Exactly. Good on ya for choosing to face this

 

[Strelok]

Hard to give you any suggestion,it could help to know in which terms you separated,was he to leave your home? was it because of a divorce?

 

[horaholic]

He was never in my life as a child. started visiting him during summer when I was 11 or so. Never gave my mom a dime. When I got accepted into college, I hinted that I wanted him to help, and long story short, he stopped talking to me over it.

 

[Nygard]

My half sisters contacted me last year through Face****. Turned out their were (and still are) delusional, angry and resentful psychos. They wanted to contact us(my brother and I) to turn us against our own family. Also, her mom wanted to kill us for a very long time, but she's too ill to do a thing. Now they resent us even more for choosing to prefer my mom's family. To hell with them.

Good thing I totally erased my facebook, I shouldn't have opened it.

 

[user43770]

There is supposed to be an unbreakable bond between parents and children. Generally - as a law of nature - parents will do anything to protect their offspring. In your case, though, it sounds like your father left you to fend for yourself - all he ever did for you was cvm in your mom. Am I right? If so, I say tell him to fvck off. Let him find another way to deal with his loneliness.


Me and my father differ on a number of issues, but he has always been there for me; hearing stories like yours make me realize that. Thank you.

 

[Darth]

Stories like this remind me how lucky I am to have a dad who took his responsibility as a father seriously. He was always there. I love him. I wish every kid could have my childhood.

 

[r0cky]

Try being a man yourself forgive him for running away.

 

[ArcBound]

I guess FB is a gateway for pvssy dads to reach out.

I think you already haven an intuition of what's going to happen and you really don't need to ask us. While I hope for you that maybe he is trying to reconnect and reconcile after all these years I would not count on it.

Sometimes we (or at least I and some other people) add people out of curiosity. I also have elementary school friends sending me requests and stuff. Sure some genuinely want to meet up after several years but more often than not its just to checkup on how you are doing.

Once Facebook sates the curiosity, communication slowly dies out. If you want go accept his request, but go at it like you would go at women. Hoping for the best but at the same time acknowledging things can go wrong and not dash yourself to the ground if it does. Make sure you're completely OK if things won't go how you hoped it would.

Remember you waited 16 years for a sign of contact, he can wait a couple more days for you to accept his request.

 

[Strelok]

He was never in my life as a child. started visiting him during summer when I was 11 or so. Never gave my mom a dime. When I got accepted into college, I hinted that I wanted him to help, and long story short, he stopped talking to me over it.

Well in this case I don't think he is exactly an "item" you want/need in your life,you had lot of problems because of him.
The point is not the lack of support that any kid (especially the male) needs from his father,the point is that he just left you as you were some kind of dog barking outside and all he had to do was close the window.

Now he probably feels the "old man" shame (common in old man former alchoolics who messed their family) or even worse he needs some "support" himself.
If you're happy with your life and managed to find your way,I would suggest you to cut the contacts to the minimum and save the drama.
You don't own him anything,it was him to own you something but he left.

Btw I'm completely ignoring your mother since you didn't talked about her and we don't know his position.

 

[L B]

He was never in my life as a child. started visiting him during summer when I was 11 or so. Never gave my mom a dime. When I got accepted into college, I hinted that I wanted him to help, and long story short, he stopped talking to me over it.

I think he wants money.

 

[horaholic]

He doesnt want money. He's done alright for himself. He aint rich, but he has done OK. He builds dune buggies in his spare time, so I know he has a little bit to play with.

He emailed me an apologetic letter, and I wrote him back. Im an adult. Its too late for him to be a father, but life's too short not to forgive people either, and I would rather let him back in, than harbor a bunch of negativity about him. Its not like he can hurt me again. I literally have nothing to lose, and who knows what to gain. I've already gotten in touch with an aunt I didnt know I had, who is a year younger than me.

The fact is, forgiveness is for YOURSELF. My forgiving of him will lift a weight off of MY soul, and get rid of a lot of unwanted negativity in MY life. The true reason for forgiveness is a selfish one.

Im not doing it for him, and I told him this in my response

Now he probably feels the "old man" shame (common in old man former alchoolics who messed their family)

This is what it is.

here is the email he sent me:

I was looking for you on facebook, and finally found you. I was a little apprehensive about sending a friend request
and a little surprised to get a response. It's been way too long that we have communicated, and I really would like to
have a relationship with you if it's not too late. I guess I thought you were pissed off at me and never wanted anything to do with me again, I hope that's not the case. So I can call you on the phone if you leave me your number or if you prefer to just Email, whatever it takes, I'll take what I can get. I've wanted to contact you so many times, but I didn't know how you
felt towards me, so I just let it go, and I'm sorry for that. Let me know if you would like to talk or if you want me to just stay
out of your life.

Basically, he was too much of a pvssy to contact me all those years.

 

[EA Gold]

Actually It was you who was very p#ssy whipped in this situation. The reason being is instead of being a man and facing your past, you were too scared and turned to your social network and you publicly threw your dad under the bus at the same time.

You started a public discussion with your friends? So if enough of your so called friends said not to do it, then that would be your final decision? In my opinion thats something a girl would have done if her dad was trying to contact her. She tells her friends,

"Oh poor me, look what happened to me, I'm a victim, what should I do????".... Oh, its ok, we're your friends we know whats best for you....You should give him a chance because its the social thing to do, and if he betrays you again you can hate him because we're ok with it.

The circumstances are different but you are doing exactly what your father did, acting on the fear of the past and future. When he had you, he was scared of not being a good father and through decisions what happen happened. You shouldn't put too much blame on him, we all do it and your doing too.

You can't change the past, but you can create a better future for yourself and for your dad if you decide too and how do you do it you say, well you do the thing that conquers all fears... Love.

 

[horaholic]

Actually It was you who was very p#ssy whipped in this situation. The reason being is instead of being a man and facing your past, you were too scared and turned to your social network and you publicly threw your dad under the bus at the same time.



You started a public discussion with your friends? So if enough of your so called friends said not to do it, then that would be your final decision? In my opinion thats something a girl would have done if her dad was trying to contact her. She tells her friends,

"Oh poor me, look what happened to me, I'm a victim, what should I do????".... Oh, its ok, we're your friends we know whats best for you....You should give him a chance because its the social thing to do, and if he betrays you again you can hate him because we're ok with it.



The circumstances are different but you are doing exactly what your father did, acting on the fear of the past and future. When he had you, he was scared of not being a good father and through decisions what happen happened. You shouldn't put too much blame on him, we all do it and your doing too.

You can't change the past, but you can create a better future for yourself and for your dad if you decide too and how do you do it you say, well you do the thing that conquers all fears... Love.

Thats a load of BS all the way around. There is a big difference in being scared, and giving the situation a few days to sink in before making any decisions. There is NOTHING wrong with hearing my friends opinions about it. I do what feel is right, no matter what they think. So I threw my dad under the bus on facebook. So fvcking what? I have every right to treat that man however the hell I want. There is nothing girlish about how I handled it. It is refreshing to have my friends tell me how they've been through the same thing and that it was a good thing for them to do. a lot of them helped me put the situation into perspective, which is what a real man should do. But, you have the right to think whatever you want, and I have the right to think your opinion is shyt, so whatever.

 

[FairShake]

In my opinion fvck anyone who runs out on their kids.

But then I have a stepdad who is awesome and never needed anything from my biological dad. He tried to contact me but I wanted no part of it. Any man or woman who would abandon their other with a 6 month old has nothing that I need.

But to each their own. If you want or need something out of it, even just an ending, you should talk to him.