Messy situation - girl who recently broke up and still misses her ex. Advice?

[TehMachine]

Long story short - this girl I like (she's 19, I'm older) had been in a very rocky relationship for the past four months. The guy was a total asshat - paranoid, controlling, insecure, abusive, manipulative - and she finally got sick of being treated like **** and arguing all the time.

During the past month or so, I've been talking to her and she's expressed serious interest in me, to the point of sexy talk and saying "if I wasn't with X, I'd be with you right now".

So she broke up with the idiot about 2 weeks ago but ever since then has been "distant" from me. She says she realises how crap he is and how he deserves absolutely nothing of her, but she misses him more than ever, and can't stop "loving" him. Personally I don't think she ever loved him and she's confusing love with not being lonely, chemical attraction, or something else.

No matter how I play this, I can't seem to get her to look past this ex yet. Her standard line is now "I just can't try anything with anyone right now", and she says "I'm still unsure about everything [with my ex]". On top of this, the ex still sees her every couple of days and although she never initiates contact with him, he tries to talk to her like everything's cool, even though it's not. He still thinks they're a couple, and she hasn't got the balls to tell him "**** you" - she says she's "not that kind of person" and just "breaks down" if he starts crying or professing his broken heart to her. She's a total sucker, basically, and can be gamed/manipulated with huge ease.

So, any advice on how to get rid of her lingering feelings for the ex? Or do I just need to let time do some healing on her? Also any advice on dealing with her incredibly naieve attitude? The ex could easily guilt-trip her back under his control, and is definitely trying already. This is bad, but her susceptibility surely means I can game her more easily?

Thanks, y'all.

 

[Johnnyventana]

Stockholm.

 

[runner83]

Advice?

Move on...what she says means jack sh!t. Actions are the only true measure.

If she was more attracted to you, she would be with you.

If she wants you bad enough, she will find you. Chasing her will not do any good at all.

 

[TehMachine]

Stockholm.

I think you're right. So what now?

If she wants you bad enough, she will find you. Chasing her will not do any good at all.

Normally I'd totally agree. But the issue isn't whether or not I'm chasing her. It's her being so easily manipulated by this other guy. I know fine well if I stop talking to her, he'll get her back in his clutches because she'll give in to her loneliness. So right now, it's about mitigating the effects of this other guy.

 

[axxo]

If you havent ****ed her, you stand no chance.

 

[iliketennis]

my guess is you're probably giving her too much attention. withdraw it and if there's any attraction to you she will seek you out.

 

[SandHawk]

In all honesty, would you want to be with a girl that is so easily manipulated? Because this guy has her by the 'balls' and he knows it. Imagine this girl becoming your girlfriend, and some asshat in the future will find out that she is easily manipulated(and trust me, that asshat will come along), he will just do the exact same thing and f*ck up your ltr. My advice here: Run for the hills. Drop the girl, go nc on her ass and she'll either contacts you like a madman ,or doesn't.

Advice for future cases: Don't become an emotional tampon for chicks. Esp. if you are not sticking your d*ck in them, because without d*cking her at least once a week, she will consider you a friend. And lines like "If I wasn't with X, I'd totally be with you" are there to string you and lead you on. She made you believe you had a chance right? WRONG! She just wanted to make sure you were infatuated with her so she could count on your tampon softness to weep into.

Girls that are in ltr's and don't cheat are using you purely platonic, and chicks in an ltr that do put out, are not girlfriend worthy material because they'll cheat on your ass in the future too. You can use em as plates, but don't ever fall in love with them!

 

[Energy25]

If you havent ****ed her, you stand no chance.

Not true.

 

[bukowski_merit]

Long story short - this girl I like (she's 19, I'm older) had been in a very rocky relationship for the past four months. The guy was a total asshat - paranoid, controlling, insecure, abusive, manipulative - and she finally got sick of being treated like **** and arguing all the time.

Well, there's the formula to attract her. Be a total asshat!

As much as she will say otherwise - women who are with men like this - ENJOY the emotional roller coaster those men provide her.

The next guy (who won't be you) will provide her with a similar experience.

During the past month or so, I've been talking to her and she's expressed serious interest in me, to the point of sexy talk and saying "if I wasn't with X, I'd be with you right now".

WOW... Let a woman say something like that to me...

HER: "If i wasn't with X, i'd be with you right now!"
Bukowski: "Ok, do you have a better looking friend?"

So she broke up with the idiot about 2 weeks ago but ever since then has been "distant" from me.

Because being open to you when she was with him and getting nice guy attention was SAFE! Being around you when she's single is setting up a situation where she might have to hurt your feelings. She's doing it for your own protection.

She says she realises how crap he is and how he deserves absolutely nothing of her, but she misses him more than ever, and can't stop "loving" him.

Again, you have no shot unless you can turn into an asshat overnight! This is the proof... Girl i've known like this - normally have a long line of dating men like this. NORMAL men cannot provide them with the emotional highs/lows their low self esteem desires.

Personally I don't think she ever loved him and she's confusing love with not being lonely, chemical attraction, or something else.

Lol, she's more in love with him than she will ever be with a gentle man.

You just WANT her to now be in love with him.

No matter how I play this, I can't seem to get her to look past this ex yet.

That's your problem! you shouldn't even be talking to her about looking past her ex, or even talking about him (except for to gather information on how he and other bfs have treated her so you can figure out how she EXPECTS to be treated).

Her standard line is now "I just can't try anything with anyone right now",

********: "You do not make my pvssy tingle; but i enjoy our talks. So let me lead you on..."

He still thinks they're a couple, and she hasn't got the balls to tell him "**** you"

She doesn't want to tell him "**** you!" She wants to fvck him!

and just "breaks down" if he starts crying or professing his broken heart to her.

LOL if he were only doing this weak stuff - it wouldn't work. But, he's giving her what the jerk gives her - HIGHS and LOWS! Same as the abusive man who hits a woman one night, than a hour later is crying and telling her he'd do anything for her.

She's a total sucker, basically, and can be gamed/manipulated with huge ease.

Except for by you... who trys to play it straight and narrow...

So, any advice on how to get rid of her lingering feelings for the ex?

Go kick his ass! :woo:

Or do I just need to let time do some healing on her?

You... move on.... Let time heal you... Let other women heal you... This cause is not worth fighting...

Also any advice on dealing with her incredibly naieve attitude?

She's not the naive one!

The ex could easily guilt-trip her back under his control, and is definitely trying already. This is bad, but her susceptibility surely means I can game her more easily?

You're not badboy enough to do that.... Best you move on to less damaged goods...

 

[Climax]

@ TehMachine

Where are you from mate? & where exactly do you see this girl? & How often?

 

[rocket87]

The guy was a total asshat - paranoid, controlling, insecure, abusive, manipulative - and she finally got sick of being treated like **** and arguing all the time.

This is just based on what you said (because I've been here many times from experience) but here goes: She's completely lying to you. SHE was the manipulative one in her past relationship and has no solid relationship track record. Her behavior screams of this; and it should be pretty obvious (next time you're with her, just think in your mind "Hmm.. Is she lying about that ex of hers? Maybe she was controlling and manipulative too?" and you should start picking up on things.)


I agree with the others for you to stop being nice. Just be a man and nonchalant, you don't have to be a d!ck but don't give the situation so much attention when you aren't getting sh!t in return (posting on here = care = you shouldn't care). Also, she isn't LTR material so get that thought way out of your head.

 

[TehMachine]

@Climax

I just see her when I'm out with friends, not too often, maybe every few days, or speak to her online. You worried it's someone you know? LOL Don't worry mate! It's deffo not!

@bukowski

You're right. I thought about everything you said already. She probably does want to be treated like crap. All right, so what? I'm not a bad guy, no, but I'm not necessarily looking for a LTR from this girl, so why shouldn't I get some practice in toning down the AFC sh!t and trying to be "bad" for once? It would be nice not having to worry so much in a relationship for once. I don't think I need to give up on her completely.

@rocket87
OK, I hear what you're saying. She's not gonna be innocent, no fvcking way! I know. But I know this guy is really what she says he is... just trust me, this one is for real. He's an idiot, and I don't mean he's suave, or a player, or just doesn't take **** from women - I mean the guy's a real idiot. Abusive, cheater, the works. So even though her story's biased, I know what she's talking about.

So let's all assume I'm not giving up on this girl... I hear what you're all saying. Step back... and apparently she actually might want to be treated badly and have some drama injected. I'll see what I can do.

Cheers.

 

[bigneil]

I agree with the advice so far, however - it's only been 2 weeks.

The odds are she's not LTR material, but you know how it is - you get dumped and you still have feelings for that person. You can't expect her to get over him overnight. Plus, she's probably still doing him.

Give it some time, but make sure you are not "too nice" - and I think some NC is in order.

 

[trrush]

you're just her emotional dumpster, dumping her emotional garbage on you.
you're calling her a sucker, and naive, in reality she's playing you both, but fvcking one of you, and it isn't you.

 

[TehMachine]

you're just her emotional dumpster, dumping her emotional garbage on you.
you're calling her a sucker, and naive, in reality she's playing you both, but fvcking one of you, and it isn't you.

Alright, I've got this message from everyone in this thread.

So tell me, what happens when I call her on this **** and she gets pissy at me for turning out just like her ex? That is, when I call her out, and she calls me an ******* and throws a fit, what's my move? Guilt-trip, defend, insult, or just STFU and walk away and let her pursue?

 

[runner83]

Alright, I've got this message from everyone in this thread.

So tell me, what happens when I call her on this **** and she gets pissy at me for turning out just like her ex? That is, when I call her out, and she calls me an ******* and throws a fit, what's my move? Guilt-trip, defend, insult, or just STFU and walk away and let her pursue?

You don't call her out on it.

READ THIS:

"Calling her out" = EPIC FAIL

In a relationship (or potential one) whoever cares least controls the relationship.

Calling her out shows yourself as an insecure wvssy boy with no other options.

And you haven't even banged or out made with this girl, and yet you've already invested some much time thinking about her? For fvck's sake!

JUDGE BY ACTIONS, NOT BY WORDS. Words mean nothing!

Instead be indifferent, make sure you are pursuing other options. If you had 10 other girls' numbers who you had a possibility of getting with, would you be worrying about this one?

Of course not! Act like you have other options (i.e. non needy and indifferent to how any particular one will turn out) and it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.