Married man and close friend. Interesting Situation!!! I want her but I also don't.

[suaveboy]

Background:
I'm married, in my early 30's, but having serious roller coaster problems with wife. In fact, some would say we're almost separated although I've been trying to work it out.
My friend is NOT married (Single), but having trouble getting over her ex-boyfriend. She lives 4 hours driving-distance away from me, in a different state.

We are very close friends. Known each other for 20 years. And interestingly, we chat over instant messenger practically all day during work hours... and then she often calls me when she gets off work, so we talk on the phone quite frequently too. We do our own thing for a few hours during the evening, and then we chat again on messenger AGAIN until we go to bed.

What do we talk about?
We try to help each other get over any problems we might have... like how all good friends do. She helps me out through my rocky relationship and i help her trying to get over her x/bad days at work... etc. She tells me what she did for the day, she talks alot about herself... while I'm usually a listener but I talk about my problems too. She talks about what happened at work, what her coworkers did, etc. She usually talks about her ex-boyfriend and how difficult it is to get over him, how she's trying to get him back but then she doesn't really know if she should move on.

We are in fact extremely close friends that we can talk about just about anything and still feel comfortable about it... except for things that might cross-the-friendship-line. She even tells me girl-stuff that most girls would be too shy to talk about, (such as admitting that girls get 'hornier' as they age towards upper 30's, while men, in general, gets less past their 20's peak.)

What's the Interesting Situation?
I've been getting some "indecent" thoughts that maybe I kind of want her to be more than friends... But I'm married.. so I know I shouldn't be having these thoughts.. but I mean, c'mon... we're talking every day every week.
Infact, we talked about this... I said "I don't know why I'm getting these feelings for you."

I told her that maybe it's one of those mind-tricks that happen, such as the 911 firefighter stories where they tried to help the widowed and started with good intentions but eventually ended up caring waaay too much for them, leaving their own wives. When you commit yourself that you always want to be there for someone, maybe your mind follows too...
cuz I DEFINITELY DIDN'T INTEND ON THIS HAPPENING. In fact, I didn't even find her as attractive before as she looks to me now.

In fact, one day when we met up, I was PISS DRUNK and said some things I shouldn't have (being still married to someone of course). I had told her that I really like her and want her to be with me!!! (GASP!) I also asked her that if I made myself single, if she'd consider dating me. (she said "i might")
The next morning I regreted saying anything because I felt really embarrassed. But I kept making moves that i do when I'm single, forgetting that i'm still married.

She became really uncomfortable at one point and she said "Thanks I'm flattered, very much... but you're not available. Also, I don't wanna be involved in anything like that with someone married."


So I just decided to drop it and forget it all together. Eventually she was cool about it and didn't make much of a deal out of it. I told her that it's cool with me too and that I made a mistake, I shouldn't be even thinking of such things when I'm still married, even if it is a rocky one.

The next month I asked her to delete the specific portion of our emails/chats related to when I was making some moves on her

I asked her to erase the email letters I sent her during the time I felt I liked her. Said that I wish to 'erase them from existance' because I want to make it as if it never happened. Afterall, I'm still married.. despite all the problems I'm having. She agreed, although she felt that I'm in a 'strange mood' and was wondering if i thought she might be using it against me in the future or something.

But now, she's giving subtle hints that she's feeling a little jealous when I'm meeting female friends. She always 'says' that I should try to work things out with my wife, but when it's other female friends I meet... she is giving hints that she doesn't like it when guys get 'weak' to other girls.

In fact, recently she's been calling me every evening when I get off work. Sometimes during lunch time too. Before, she usually ate lunch with coworkers but now she eats alone and calls me instead.
Even today, we were chatting from 8pm until 1am...

I don't know what to think. I like her and want her, but I feel I need to straighten out my marriage situation first... This is crazy. :nono:
But I like her very much and feel at peace.

ANYBODY WHO'S IN A SIMILAR SITUATION I'D LIKE TO HEAR FROM YOU!!

I'd welcome any advice.. don't hold anything back!!!!!!!!


:cuss:
:cuss:
:cuss:
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What is she like?
She's church-going girl who's only had 3 real boyfriends so far , but definitely popular among the guys cuz at any given day there are at least 3 guys calling her to meet up with her. Considering a church goer, she's not THAT conservative (smokes, drinks, etc) although not too liberal either. She has more guy friends than girl-friends. Definitely attractive in appearance.

Personality wise, she's talkative.. but very moody. Ups and downs. With her coworkers/seniors, she fights often and gets annoyed often. But for some reason, I've only seen the softer side of her and not the *****y side she portrays herself to be. She calls me whenever she feels down, cries sometimes on the phone.

She's also very intelligent / analytical, she analyzes just about everything somebody says/write and can catch a lie instantly (although she wouldn't say it or bring it up right away). Heck I'm a scientist and I sometimes have trouble keeping up with her logical way of thinking.

 

[sav]

the root of your problems is that you are married.

end the marriage, end the problems. for both you and ur wife.

 

[Warrior74]

I could write a book about what's wrong with this scenario. But I'll just say this.


You are the man. You have to lead. Now you have to decide if you want your wife or not. And you have to lead. You have to decide if you want to cheat or not. Stop playing around like you don't know what you are doing. You know exactly what you are doing. You are getting nothing you need from your wife and you want to get it somewhere else, you just don't want to feel bad about it. Be honest.

Now decide if you want to try to fix things with your wife or you want to move on. This other woman is not the issue. She's just the results of your thinking. She doesn't matter at all really. What really matters is what do you want in regards to your wife? There will be other women in your life after your wife and after this woman, so she means nothing right now. She's just your little fantasy to ease the pain of the hell your in.

Don't put her up on some pedestal and say you are leaving your wife for her. Beceause she'll never live up to that pedestal. Never. She's just as weird and messed up and insecure and human as any other woman. SHe sounds like she has mental issues from what you write. And you only see the softer side...thats because she's getting her emotional needs met by you. (You are probably not meeting your wifes emotional needs at all which is why you are probably having problems.) So don't think miss oh so sweet and innocent all that sweet and innocent. I promise you, her boyfriend sees the crap side of her personality and eventually you will too.

Take some time to step back these women and do some thinking. THink about if you are giving your wife more than just routine lip service or if you are really fufilling her emotional needs. Ask your self have you stopped being a leader in your relationship. Ask yourself if you still have a spine and balls. Ask yourself do you still have a purpose and a passion in life. Ask yourself are you still the man you were when you first met your wife, and have you become a better man in that time or worse. Ask yourself are you a douchebag (really sometimes you have to ask yourself that one, I can be a great big douchebag at times). Do some reflection, and do it now, before your wife starts doing to you what this girl is doing to her boyfriend. YOur wife is gonna get her emotional needs met and will trade it for physical needs just like you are trying to do.

p.s. stop talking to that other broad so much. if you are gaming her..you are too available. She may only see you as an emotional tampon to soak up her sob stories about her life. Women love to try to make a man do that. You need to give her the gift of missing you.

 

[Darth]

^^Yes.

 

[suaveboy]

well, i cut her off rather abruptly... she's gettin more sobby

we were talking over messenger during work hours, and then i had to tlak to a co worker. she then started complaining that i'm not replying promptly, so i really went off at her. I said that I'm in the middle of something and she is selfish for expecting me to be there for her all day even during critical work hours, even when i give her so much attention as it is. I said to her that I don't think she appreciates me and that I feel she's taking me for granted and treats me less than special or understanding as i am to her.

I told her in a rather sarcastic way that "even if I give you my arms and legs, you're the type who'd still think it's not enough". she said that she felt bad.
needless to say, she appologized like a dozen times... the rest of the afternoon.

but when I didn't respond to her for a few hours she said that i'm "being a f**king baby and taking this too far where it shouldn't be".

I didn't like the fact that she cursed at me, well not at me directly, but still I didn't like the tone and mixing in curse words while she was defending herself while talking to me. So I cut her off, told her i'm in no mood talk to her any further that day.

She called me 3 times afterwards, all of which i didn't pick up.

That evening, she sent me another IM... which I hardly gave any response to. She asked me if i'm still pissed. I responded about 10 minutes later saying that I'm not in any mood to argue or talk, and that I'm really tired and logged off.

Today, I didn't send her any instant messages all morning. At around mid afternoon she sends me an IM saying "someone told me i look sick/tired/bad today".. I just said "I see... take care of yourself, you shoud've called in sick then". Then she says that it's not a cold kind of sickness but she thinks think they meant she doesnt look well that she has been losing weight.

What the heck does that supposed to mean? IMO, she probably cried last night cuz she usually does when something bad/negative happens.. She sounded as if she was expecting me to sympathize her 'not looking well' issue as I used to do, but I didn't respond to that afterwards and said I'm leaving work now, ttyl. And logged off.

I guess at some point I should come around.. but I feel she's been getting too much attention from me so far.

any ideas on what i should do from here?

 

[yuppaz]

Sounds like BPD....check the mature threads

 

[Lust]

She's going to fvck you over. I can tell.

 

[suaveboy]

Moody girls (Moody, rather than extreme BPD)

She's just kinda moody sometimes but doesn't do anything severe or extreme.
I wouldn't go as far as calling her BPD cuz she never cut no wrist or made up stories or has done anything illegal.

Moody girls seem a lot easier to get close to because you can simply lend them your 'ear' and then boom you're instantly their best friend... but I guess at some point you have to find a way to make them think of you as more than friends or you're just stuck in the friend-zone forever and ever.

I have been keeping a distance in the last few days, because I want her to appreciate me more. :crackup:

 

[Zerotwoonenine]

it is interesting. you sound like you are not the kind of the man who would cheat on his wife normally. I think you might need to consider at this point, how good are you with your wife? i am a christian so i think getting into a affair is definitely wrong. However divorcing your wife is also wrong(unless she has an affair, then you can wave bye bye). The best advice i have heard is-you don't know what you have till you lose it. Consider this, what will your life like with out your wife? in your message you keep going on about your friend, but how are you with your wife? have you still got feelings for her? have you got a stable family that will hate you once you leave?
ask your self questions, consider the consequences.
Also, your friends might just consider you as a "friend" and nothing more, more than often we consider those feelings we have for a female friend to be more, but trust me, its just lust and nature, nothing more.
So reconsider, then you can answer your own questions.

 

[Zerotwoonenine]

She's just kinda moody sometimes but doesn't do anything severe or extreme.
I wouldn't go as far as calling her BPD cuz she never cut no wrist or made up stories or has done anything illegal.

Moody girls seem a lot easier to get close to because you can simply lend them your 'ear' and then boom you're instantly their best friend... but I guess at some point you have to find a way to make them think of you as more than friends or you're just stuck in the friend-zone forever and ever.

I have been keeping a distance in the last few days, because I want her to appreciate me more. :crackup:

wait till you have them, then you are in a world of pain. Trust me, those girls know how to fck with your mind cos they are fcked up.

 

[suaveboy]

she says it felt like eternity... and then sobs about her x

wait till you have them, then you are in a world of pain. Trust me, those girls know how to fck with your mind cos they are fcked up.

Ok I wasn't really looking for a moral lecture, lol.. but you're right... I have never had an affair. I've given it some thought and beginning to see clearly somewhat, maybe it's not worth risking my marriage over... or what's left of it.... but another side of me wants that thrill simply for the sake of having that thrill.

It's becoming something along the lines of "Can I get her to fall for me, even if she knows I'm taken?".
I remember the game of seduction was really fun when I was single... half the time I was in it for the juice. Sometimes I wondered if there's life after a DJ gets married. I'm not talking about marriage-life but the life of a DJ. As you know already, it's a challenge to go after a girl who's taken, but it becomes a REAL challenge when YOU'RE the one who's taken. Plus if you've known a particular female friend for so long,
wouldn't you become curious too and see her as a challenge as well. Don't get me wrong though it's not like I woke up one morning at decided to get these curiosities and thoughts...

Man, now I just want to bang her cuz she somehow got on my radar. Last time we were at a bar, I couldn't take my eyes off her. She kept looking at my lips every time I talked... and maybe that's what kinda gave me ideas. Just kept thinking of what it might be like tossing her around in bed.

But do you know what really made me curious? It's when I saw a porn flic where the actress looked remarkably similar to her. That's what's really gotten me curious. It wasn't really an affair that I was after... I think I'd be satisfied with a quick one to satiate that curiosity, LOL (I realize this sounds bad but just being honest), but I guess I'm playing with fire here. True, I did somehow develop feelings over the past few months but it's nothing compared to the love I have for wifee. Am I contradicting myself here?

So yes, zerotwooneine is right... it's probably nothing but lust. Cuz I probably won't leave my wife for her, although I still like her enough to want to bang her.

I guess most normal guys would have that thought too even if they don't act on it. But the endless sobs about her x boyfriend is non stop.

Just now she called me (1am) and says it felt like eternity that we didn't talk. what the heck. I deliberately didn't communicate with her for a few days and then nothing's really different. She's still trying to get over her x. I'm tired of these sob stories... but being a long time friend, it's somewhat understandable. She claims she really appreciates me for taking all her ****, and that i give her so much but she doesn't have anything to give me. (I'm thinking, 'well, there IS something you can give me'. lol. ahem)

Maybe I'll just take out my testosterone at the local strip club instead
rather than playing with fire...

 

[Warrior74]

I like the way you ignored my post.

What's the real story with you and your wife? That's the root of everything right there.

And yah...the way you treated that woman was real afc, when you gotta yell and fight because she contacts you too much... BDP. My ex was the same way. Trust me buddy I'm trying to help you but you gotta help your self. Stop thinking with your **** for a minute and figure out who you are as a man. Go read my last post in this tread and get back to me with some anwsers. Otherwise, enjoy your doomed life, it'll take you a few years to learn the things I'm trying to get across to you. Take the shortcut. Read the last post and adress it. You need to do that as a man.

 

[VenusDoom]

why would you want to be in a marriage without passion?

 

[suaveboy]

are you trying to help or are you trying to make ego remarks

Seems to me you might be a bit insecure of your masculinity, if you have to emphasize 'being a man' so many times in a single post. I just found your response a bit offensive because I don't like insults whether direct or indirect. If you really want to help, try writing a bit nicer and with less of an ego.

Like I said, I wasn't looking for a moral lecture here. I'm neither religious nor care to believe in any of that crap. I live by pleasure and leisure, and for pleasure and leisure. I wasn't ignoring your posts at all obviously, since you did help clarify my intentions somewhat. Like you said, I know exactly what I am doing and I know exactly what I want out of this, I just don't wanna feel too bad about it.
Yes, I'm thinking with my ****... and I don't feel too bad about thinking with my other head either, because, trust me, all my life I've been thinking with my head and an occasional change is sometimes needed.

Also, this has nothing to do with wifee, honestly. I just want to flirt around a little bit for a change... haven't done that ever since I got married, lol. I am realizing that it's in my blood.

If you were sincere about helping, skip the moral and masculinity lectures... cuz that's like walking into a gay bar and giving them a sermon on why one should be straight.

I like the way you ignored my post.

What's the real story with you and your wife? That's the root of everything right there.

And yah...the way you treated that woman was real afc, when you gotta yell and fight because she contacts you too much... BDP. My ex was the same way. Trust me buddy I'm trying to help you but you gotta help your self. Stop thinking with your **** for a minute and figure out who you are as a man. Go read my last post in this tread and get back to me with some anwsers. Otherwise, enjoy your doomed life, it'll take you a few years to learn the things I'm trying to get across to you. Take the shortcut. Read the last post and adress it. You need to do that as a man.