maintaining interest level in a relationship

[SecondHalf]

After 7 months another relationship has bit the dust.

I suspect that cause of the breakup was ultimately interest level and suffocation.
In general, a good woman, but recovering from a bad marriage.
I'm OK with that typical red flag as I'm recovering from my bad marriage and in about the same time line.
In short, we're both pretty jittery and have a all or nothing way of thinking.

Our relationship evolved until we had fixed nights and days that we would spend together doing ... whatever - always fun.
Sex was great, future plans were good (lots of travel and sports...). Seemed perfect.

However, given we both work an additional 20 hours per week on top of our day jobs, those fixed weekends and extra week night completely ate all of our remaining disposable time.

It was inevitable that we'd eventually have to claw back some "me" time, but rather than her doing it, she supplicated and smothered herself. So after a while, with resentment mounting, I got dumped for a text.

Her reasoning was crap, to save face and shift blame, but the outcome was the same. We're done.

It's upsetting as there was quite a connection there, families intertwined, just a really close match.

Disclaimer: She's an investment banker and deals with Multi-million dollar meatballs every day. It could be my meager (in comparison) 200k per year paled in comparison and hypergamy prevailed. No evidence of that.

The issue high level problem was the same - interest level.

My question(s)...

How do you maintain interest level in a long term relationship?
I'm on the fence, I'm having difficulty seeing this rationally. Should I accept this breakup, or fix it and surrender the frame?

Could really use some opinions on this one guys!!

Thanks,

SH

 

[backbreaker]

just because you broke up doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

This is a bit complicated. i will go with my very very first reaction when i read this and that this particular woman thinks her market value is higher than what it really is. I just get that vibe.

I mean, you aren't smothering her, you aren't sending her stupid love poems trouble: right) I mean what are you goign to do.

If she isn't interested in you that's not your problem. you are a catch. just move on. some people just do not have the abilty to function in a normal relationship. my mom is like that. gets all types of good men interested in them and managed to fvck it all up with her indpendant woman bit

 

[SecondHalf]

Nope, no love poems or notes.
I was a gentleman and opened doors for her, but never pathetic.
She loved the attention she received (PDA, grabbing private area on stairs ...).

I didn't go AFC, but I was very attentive, not intrusive. First texts were always hers. She wanted the time as much as I.

Regarding market value, yep!
I suppose I built up her confidence to the point where I created a monster.
I'm 49, look 40, great shape and healthy.
She is 48, looks it, was a former fatty, therefore barrel chest and a lot of loose skin.

Do you have to game a partner, or was it just poor partner choice on my side?

SH

 

[Iceberg]

Do you have to game a partner, or was it just poor partner choice on my side?

SH

Not to sound like a girl, but there is something to be said for the concept of "chemistry".

You can't go getting worried, thinking that you have to change a dozen things about yourself every time a relationship doesn't work out.

This girl had other plans for herself, and that's her issue. Whatever she didn't like about you might be EXACTLY what your next LTR loves about you.

I mean, there's game involved in getting the relationship, but I think after you're settled in for a while it stops becoming game. Ultimately, you are who you are. It'd be way too stressful to always have this doubt in the back of your mind, "Was that alpha?" "Did I play that right?" when you're years into a relationship.

Certain things about my personality happen to fit under the concept of "game". I'm not overly-emotional. I've never been the type to call a girlfriend every day. But over all, once I'm dating a girl for a year or so, it's just about maintaining some level of the attraction that drew her to me in the first place. Keeping in shape. Continue exploring hobbies. Continue staying, well, interesting.

And stop doubting yourself just because you didn't keep this girl. Relationships end every day.

 

[5string]

Iceberg has great insight.

The way I see this is that you did nothing wrong. It just wasn't a match plain and simple. As said, don't doubt yourself on this one. Do not, repeat, do not doubt yourself here. I just don't think this woman truly knows what she wants. Remember, the gina is fueled by emotions, not logic.

To answer your other question, I maintain interest with my gal by being unpredictable. By that I mean she never knows what's next. I may go read a book one minute, or grab her by her thong and tell her we're going out. She just never knows what's gonna happen from one moment to the next. This really does work for me. Yesterday, I took her to the range to shoot a .45 and an M-4. Then I took her to lunch. How many women get that sort of action? Not that this is a day to day thing, just an example. Another thing, I'm usually pretty upbeat and that rubs off on her. You know, if you are around people who are in a good mood, it generally puts you in a good mood as well. Lastly, confidence in yourself is everything.

Secondhalf....this one just wasn't in the cards for you.

Good hunting.

 

[The Duke]

Nope, no love poems or notes.
I was a gentleman and opened doors for her, but never pathetic.
She loved the attention she received (PDA, grabbing private area on stairs ...).

I didn't go AFC, but I was very attentive, not intrusive. First texts were always hers. She wanted the time as much as I.

Regarding market value, yep!
I suppose I built up her confidence to the point where I created a monster.
I'm 49, look 40, great shape and healthy.
She is 48, looks it, was a former fatty, therefore barrel chest and a lot of loose skin.

Do you have to game a partner, or was it just poor partner choice on my side?

SH

Sometimes when women date someone that has them out-gunned in one category or another they'll feel intimidated and see it as a threat to the future security of the relationship. Perhaps you had her outgunned in the looks department and she felt this way? Sure you boosted her ego but deep down she may saw you as a threat. I'd say the way you describe yourself you'd be a hot commodity and although women are attracted to what you have to offer, they also fear what you are capable of! Sometimes that fear is enough to bring the relationship to an end. I have no idea if this scenario pertains to your relationship but its something to consider.

Another thing.......can a woman that is a high powered investment banker and puts her career first be a good choice for a long term relationship???
I've dated those types and yes they were always less drama and were very rational thinkers by female standards, but they also lacked the willingness to put things aside to cater to their man. A woman is supposed to compliment her man and be an addition to his life, not the other way around.

Sounds like you were both career oriented, not willing to give much. It comes down to what you want in a woman. But next time I think I'd look for someone that isn't so career driven and is willing to accomodate you and value what you have to offer.

In the end, the only kind of woman to have is one that thinks you are the world.

And to answer your question about do you have to game a partner........to some extent yes.....its what makes her gina tingle and her feelings feel. It keeps her realed in.

 

[SecondHalf]

Not to sound like a girl, but there is something to be said for the concept of "chemistry".

There was great chemistry. For seven months, the woman adored me. Blew up in 24 hours. She supplicated until she exploded.

It'd be way too stressful to always have this doubt in the back of your mind, "Was that alpha?" "Did I play that right?" when you're years into a relationship.

Thank goodness, was worried about that.

Another thing, I'm usually pretty upbeat and that rubs off on her. You know, if you are around people who are in a good mood, it generally puts you in a good mood as well

She mentioned that she takes responsibility for moods. I was a little down that day (work stress). Good point 5string.

...out-gunned in one category or another they'll feel intimidated and see it as a threat to the future security of the relationship

I don't think this was the case. She did feel secure with me. I gave her that.

Another thing.......can a woman that is a high powered investment banker and puts her career first be a good choice for a long term relationship???
I've dated those types and yes they were always less drama and were very rational thinkers by female standards, but they also lacked the willingness to put things aside to cater to their man. A woman is supposed to compliment her man and be an addition to his life, not the other way around.

I did have these concerns. She wasn't yet a success, but showed great potential and it did concern me. Given her lack of experience with men and success, I worried "Great power corrupts".

These have been great responses guys.

I'm saddened by this turn of events. It means I have to go back to dating.... Uggh.
I'm very good at it, but prefer a relationship.

SH

 

[5string]

Secondhalf

Troubles me a bit that you "prefer" a relationship. Agree though that dating pretty much svcks and is a pain. Lotsa work for sure.

Might I suggest that you don't look for a relationship too hard? It'll find you eventually. It really will.

 

[SecondHalf]

Dating

The thing about dating is that I'm like a kid in a candy store.
I was juggling 4 or 5 women when I was dating. It's exhausting.
Also, there was always the risk of getting the name wrong (worked them to the 'hon' nickname quickly).
I do get tired of the games, and frankly lying to women (even if it's none of their business anyway). i.e. two date requests the same night, one gets lied to (or at least a half truth).

I suppose I like the connection of a relationship.
I get what you're driving at though, and I acknowledge it.
I shouldn't like / or rather "need" that "connection" a relationship offers.
Yep, I've got a couple issues, working on them(ish).

I won't be able to date as vigorously as I had in the past as I'm the primary parent to a 14 year old boy.

 

[Greasy Pig]

I had a similar situation recently.
Got along great, she showed really high IL, and we just got along.
Then within a 24 hour period, she went from texting me how she wanted me to fvck her that night, to absolutely zero interest.
She knew other girls wanted me and I followed Rollo's 3:2 ratio but she still flaked.
I guess sometimes, things just don't work out and I know she dropped off because she branch swung but I felt my game was fairly tight and she still left.
You'll bounce back and hopefully see the signs early.

 

[SecondHalf]

Conclusion ...

Interesting week...

Wednesday evening when she came over to return my possessions, we had a talk and she wanted back... badly.

Gave a bunch of excuses that were really quite petty, but not so much transference as the Tuesday.
Story was she cried all Tuesday evening and Wednesday and realized what she had lost???

I accepted.
It put a band-aid on the disappointment and hurt I felt on Tuesday, but now I no longer see the woman as mentally stable and it's really bothering me.

Not sure what will happen, but I'll need to distance myself from this one.

Thanks for all the previous posts guys, they really helped me out.

SH

 

[speed dawg]

In short, we're both pretty jittery and have a all or nothing way of thinking.SH

You are saying alot with this sentence. Fairly certain you're probably a needy guy. Feel like you need a relationship. You don't.

There was great chemistry. For seven months, the woman adored me. Blew up in 24 hours. She supplicated until she exploded.

You and I both know better than this. You've started this thread where she met up with another guy. Before that you started this thread where she was comparing you to her ex-husband.

In each one of these threads, you basically tell us how great it is except for......(fill in the blank). You were looking for a particular type of advice, that would make you feel better.

Basically, at this point, you haven't "gotten it" yet. It's all good though, we've all been where you are. Sounds to me like your relationship was too structured and probably was boring for her, so she dumped you. Then, apparently she had no other options, so she came back to you. She'll eventually leave again, if you don't shape up.

Not sure what to advise you to do, but one thing is for certain, you need to retake the frame. You need to be more independent, and ONLY see her when it will be a fun and exciting time. Don't take about drama and the relationship. Just have a good time with her, try to fvck her. But honestly, I'm not sure you have a future with her, because her IL has dropped low enough to dump you once, so rest assured there's a level of respect for you that you'll never get back.

As far as maintaining IL in a relationship, you have to internalize Game, like another poster mentioned. You can't fake it and use techniques forever. You have to be a man. You have to have your own satisfying life without the woman. In short, you have to be able to live without her happily and she has to know that. If a woman ever senses that she is the focal point of your life, game over.

 

[SecondHalf]

Thanks speed dawg,

I suppose I cannot argue with a few of your points.
Needy ... don't think so, I mean jittery in the context of an un-trusting divorced person.
I did seek a relationship after a while of dating as I didn't have the time to keep up with dating.

She never met up with the other guy and apologized to me for even considering it. She apparently told him she no and why.
I accepted it.

I do acknowledge this woman has pissed me off a few times. She seems to have a hiccup ever couple months then gets it together.

I hear you with the IL. I'll have to prepare for the exit I think.
And good advice with the dates. If we're not "doing", we should be apart.

SH

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Second Half,
Seems like a matter of priorities....Anyhow I think a 49 year old in good shape should be looking in the 35-40 age bracket...a former fatty will ALWAYS revert to type,surely but inexorably,as she feels more secure with the relationship....Moody,pre menopausal Women are a dime a dozen....I would demote her to plate status,see her once a week...As you move with ever increasing confidence into the dating scene,you will become more attractive to her....no need to make a fuss about it just act!