LTR - Trust vs. Jealousy

[forward]

I'm having trouble responding to a situation. If your LTR mentions a "red flag" situation to you.... what's the proper response?

Now of course, a woman shouldn't be mentioning "red flag" situations frequently, but what if things are going alone fine for a long time and then one pops up. For example, I just spoke with her and then:

"There's this guy, this friend of Ashley's, I said I'd meet with him one on one to discuss blah blah blah"

TOTALLY caught me off guard. I didn't even respond (was on the phone with her, told her I suddenly had to go). I thought I had a grip on things (been a happy LTR for a year) but this threw me for a loop. Does that not sound totally suspicious to you? It sure sounds like a test to me. But I can't figure out for the life of me how/if I should react (which, in a test situation, likely means you're failing).

My Thoughts:
1) React. Let her know I don't believe her meeting "one on one" with any new "guy" she has met (for vague, clearly BS reasons) has its place alongside our relationship. Make it clear I don't tolerate this, for "obvious" reasons.

Pros: She knows she can't just blatantly get away with "sh*t".
Cons: Might I come across as insecure, jealous, or controlling? Or are these just shaming words to persuade guys to let their girls do whatever they want?

2) Ignore.

Pros: This is what I would do if I had just met the girl, and we weren't in a relationship. Of course, in that situation, she's free to meet and f*ck any guy she wants, but my point is that not reacting to her mentioning of other guys usually causes her interest/attraction to focus completely on me.
Cons: Would this not communicate an unreasonable level of trust? Would I basically be saying, "I'm a sucker! You can go do whatever obviously suspicious activities you'd like, and I won't question them or bat an eye."

3) End the LTR.

Pros: I set a clear boundary and communicate it to myself. I will not limit my options by being in a relationship with a woman who doesn't admit/realize that private meetings with new dudes are basically asking for infidelity.
Cons: I have to admit, this feels like overreacting in this case. (But perhaps the relationship is muddying my view of things? I've noticed they can make it difficult to see things clearly).


What do you guys think? I'm I just overreacting to nothing? Trust my gut? My gut tells me: she's not looking to cheat on me with this particular "guy", but she may be trying to open a window for herself so she can freely explore cheating on me with other "guys" in the future.

Help me see, Men.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Might I come across as insecure, jealous, or controlling?


I would react, but not in those ways. You missed your chance, so don't bring it up again until she does, with him or with any other guy. But I would just matter-of-factly point out that the other guy wants to fvck her. She'll act surprised and say that he just wants to talk. Then you point out the obvious that he is just using that as an excuse. Then she'll ask if you're mad, and you'll say of course not, he has good taste, you want the same thing. After that, whenever his name comes up, he's "that guy who wants to do you" and the two of you laugh about it. She will never be able to take him seriously, and she won't have sex with him.

This is a 'cut through the bvllsh!t' approach. She can't really argue, because she knows you're right. It is ultimately a complement to her. And good for her...good for you as well, if you are secure enough to see that having other guys hit on your girl is only a sign that you have an attractive girl. That is the test of her mentioning it to you, how secure you are about it and how you handle it. Women are probably not even aware that they are doing it. You have to be secure enough in yourself to know that you could replace her if she left. The irony in achieving that is that when you do, she never will.

 

[mrRuckus]

I never understood how "you don't trust me" is turned into MY problem when it's one's job to earn another's trust.

If i don't trust you, it's your fault.

 

[samspade]

Might I come across as insecure, jealous, or controlling?


I would react, but not in those ways. You missed your chance, so don't bring it up again until she does, with him or with any other guy. But I would just matter-of-factly point out that the other guy wants to fvck her. She'll act surprised and say that he just wants to talk. Then you point out the obvious that he is just using that as an excuse. Then she'll ask if you're mad, and you'll say of course not, he has good taste, you want the same thing. After that, whenever his name comes up, he's "that guy who wants to do you" and the two of you laugh about it. She will never be able to take him seriously, and she won't have sex with him.

This is a 'cut through the bvllsh!t' approach. She can't really argue, because she knows you're right. It is ultimately a complement to her. And good for her...good for you as well, if you are secure enough to see that having other guys hit on your girl is only a sign that you have an attractive girl. That is the test of her mentioning it to you, how secure you are about it and how you handle it. Women are probably not even aware that they are doing it. You have to be secure enough in yourself to know that you could replace her if she left. The irony in achieving that is that when you do, she never will.

Good stuff.

 

[jophil28]

Why didn't you let her tell you why she was meeting him?
There may be several harmeless reasons.
He may be selling insurance or Amway or such.

 

[PlaysToWin]

Ok, here's my favourite way of responding to this type of situation.

Her: "Hey PTW, listen there's this guy and I want/need to meet him face to face for whatever reason blah blah blah. Is that ok with you? You don't mind?"

Me: Give her an analysing look for a few seconds and then say, without smiling in a calm but firm tone of voice: "You are your own person. Do whatever you want." And then just walk off and do something else.

She wants your permission because it absolves her from guilt. Don't give her this reassurance but also don't forbid her from going because that just comes across as controlling which she can also hold against you. She has to now decide whether she is willing to take the risk into going without knowing what the consequences will be with you or even if there will be consequences.

 

[zekko]

Why didn't you let her tell you why she was meeting him?
There may be several harmeless reasons.
He may be selling insurance or Amway or such.

Yeah, there isn't enough information.

Give her an analysing look for a few seconds and then say, without smiling in a calm but firm tone of voice: "You are your own person. Do whatever you want." And then just walk off and do something else.

This is pretty much how I handle this sort of thing. There's an implied tone of "do what you have to do, and I'll do what I have to do". If a girl wants to cheat on you, she's going to cheat on you, you're not going to be able to talk her out of it. All you can control is how you respond.

 

[AMDG]

Help me see, Men.

Mention meeting a girl in the same circumstances and see how she reacts ( if you are unaware why is she meeting "this guy" - if not, come back with the info first )